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Original poster

Personal Moral Issue with partner

193 replies

Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 12:35

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

OP posts:
givemushypeasachance · 05/01/2022 13:39

You aren't compatible. It would be the same if person A was a vegan, to the point of being uncomfortable around meat and not wanting it in the house, and person B believed a meal wasn't complete without meat. Or if person A was teetotal and believes alcohol ruins lives, can't be around anyone who is drinking, and the other person drinks six nights a week and can't imagine how to celebrate an event or unwind if it isn't with a few beers. Unless one party wanted to change, they would always resent each other if they tried to live with the other person.

itwasntaparty · 05/01/2022 13:41

You're fundamentally incompatible, it's not a 'moral issue', it's a personal issue.

1forAll74 · 05/01/2022 13:44

Cannabis is widely used now, I know someone who had a police raid at their house some months ago, and had a huge amount of weed removed, The man was a user of cannabis, but also peddled it around to lots of people. This is when I would be judging a cannabis smoking person..

This person was making money,with selling it to all who were addicted to the stuff, He himself was a long time user of weed, he managed to work at some insignificant jobs at times, but had little incentive, to do anything else in his life. Permanently chilled out all the time, I doubt he would have left the house, if a bomb had dropped in his garden. or someone had stolen his car off the drive etc.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 05/01/2022 13:45

Oh waa waa waa, something's ILLEEEEEEEEGAL...
The laws around recreational drugs are not logical and not particularly morality-based. They are a mixture of prissiness and indifference on behalf of the authorities.
I wouldn't date someone who based their entire morality on what is and is not legal, as I would expect them to be smug, blinkered and tiresome.

I wouldn't call it prissy the fact that substances that are found to cause addiction, long and short term mental and physical health issues and increased levels of violent crimes are illegal.

Recreational is a dangerous word. There's nothing recreational about drug addiction.

oakleaffy · 05/01/2022 13:45

@Swindonia22
I used to smoke a lot of weed and quit
I agree with you
Not a moral issue, but a lifestyle issue.
He can do it elsewhere.

ashorterday · 05/01/2022 13:46

You're not being unreasonable, but it sounds like you need to end it. It's a big difference of opinion/lifestyle and not something I could get over.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 13:48

I don't do drugs and I don't like them, but I have friends and colleagues who take drugs. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who too drugs though.

Is he smoking weed regularly or does he nog do it, but just not disapprove of it as strongly as you do?

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/01/2022 13:48

I used cannabis occasionally as a teen. My then BF used it a lot and was a complete bore. Sadly when he stopped using it he was even worse Grin

As an adult I can’t think of anything worse than being around someone who did this regularly. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It’s a fundamental difference in lifestyles and attitudes as much as morals. Let him/her get stoned on his/her own. Find someone with a bit more about them.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 13:50

Oh he does smoke weed! Sorry - re read your op.

No, of course you can't date him if you're a drugs counsellor or something?? I wouldn't date him either.

Derbee · 05/01/2022 13:50

I wouldn’t date a cannabis user. The smell, the waste of money etc would drive me mad.

You’re not compatible. Don’t force it, just move on and find someone better suited.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 05/01/2022 13:51

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. But if drug use is a deal breaker for you then you can't be in a relationship with this man.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 05/01/2022 13:53

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. This is a distinctly important issue on which to disagree, and it makes the two of you entirely incompatible. This relationship has no future.

5128gap · 05/01/2022 13:57

Is it a big part if his life, as in every day, or just occasional? If the latter and he is great in other ways you could maybe compromise that he doesn't do it around you/before spending time with you. If it's an everyday day or multiple times a day thing then I'm not sure you have a future, as that's impossible to compartmentalise, and you won't be able to avoid the smell and the behavioural impact, which even if minor, is there, and can be really irritating. Also if its the second, be very wary of him saying he will stop, as its unlikely he'll stick to that, and it will be more painful to end it further down the line.

UniversalAunt · 05/01/2022 13:57

Step away.
You are not compatible on this matter, it is more than a matter of occasional lifestyle choice.

If it helps to unpick what you see as a moral issue, as a thought experiment try substituting cannabis with regular & committed smoking, gambling, alcohol, & other drugs - all are lifestyle choices (up to the point of addiction & all the stuff that comes with that) & all of these choices chew up time, money & personal energy. I see it as a matter of commoner sense.

Stay great friends if you can, just do not commit into a relationship or bind your lives together in any way.

Topseyt · 05/01/2022 13:58

I could never accept this. It would be a deal breaker for me. I think it sounds as though you are incompatible.

jewel1968 · 05/01/2022 13:59

Depends. Is he a boring fucker when using it? And does he do it a lot?

If he used it a little and it had no great impact on his personality then I would be fairly relaxed.

I agree that it's no the drug so much as how it impacts his behaviour. Alcohol could be problematic too if used in a damaging way. Or opioid painkillers.

Full disclosure I don't use cannabis but as someone with chronic pain I have pondered using it or CBD oil. But I tend to follow rules so haven't.

Trying2611 · 05/01/2022 13:59

waiting to find out where OP lives as it's not actually 'illegal' in some parts of the world..

Personal opinion though I'm not against it however if you are and he's not the your not always going to agree on everything however he should respect your boundaries like anything in a relationship

godmum56 · 05/01/2022 14:00

@Etinoxaurus

You have every right to not date someone for any reason. It’s called having boundaries.
This, but also I would think its not a good idea to have a relationship with someone who is involved with something addictive that is a part of your job.
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/01/2022 14:02

One of your core values is not compatible with your partner's. That's not a failure to be open-minded, but it does mean your relationship is unlikely to be a happy one in future. YANBU to stand by your own core values but you can't force your partner to change and it sounds as if he wont. It's painful but I would end it now before you get more deeply involved with him.

eagerlywaitingfor · 05/01/2022 14:03

Smoked it a few times when they were younger but haven't had any for years, fine.

Current user and/or thinks there's nothing wrong with smoking it, not fine.

AndTime · 05/01/2022 14:04

This isn't something that can be compromised on, I have tried and it just doesn't work. this guy is not for you.

The smell is vile! if you hate it your hate it.

RobotValkyrie · 05/01/2022 14:04

You're not wrong OP, and I wish more people were more picky when it comes to dating people with similar self-destructive addictions, including legal ones like alcohol, tobacco, or gambling.

I know, boooring. Adulting is boring. And dating is adult business.
If you intend to build your life with someone else, it's boring but vital to make sure your values and priorities align. And self-destructive people are best avoided. Especially if children are planned somewhere down the line (or even if they are an unplanned possibility)

ilssagain · 05/01/2022 14:06

Your lifestyles aren't compatible.

I wouldn't be with a cannabis smoker, nor a tobacco smoker, and after very unpleasant experiences with my ex, I wouldn't want to be with someone who drank too much alcohol either.

Original poster
Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 14:07

Firstly, thanks for all the replies. I'll be honest, I expected more people to be against my opinion.

Indeed, and to answer that point, she is a indeed a female and I am male. I feel this is more of a backwards scenario than usual, not that gender should make a difference.

To answer some of the other questions, I am in the UK. It is a bit of everything which bothers me though. I do worry that if they are happy to break the law here, then where is the line drawn. That being said, it is the other reasons too. The trafficking is an example where it makes me feel this goes against my belief etc.

OP posts:
Restart10 · 05/01/2022 14:08

I'm with you. It's non negotiable for me, so is a smoker. Can you picture your kids growing up around this?

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