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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slow Faffing DH

510 replies

LibbyVonTrap · 05/01/2022 09:56

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

OP posts:
barbrahunter · 05/01/2022 09:59

Sounds really annoying. My friend has a DH like this and she routinely lies to him about timings, always saying they need to be at places earlier than the real time. I don't think there's a 'cure' for this behaviour.

Original poster
LibbyVonTrap · 05/01/2022 10:00

@barbrahunter

Sounds really annoying. My friend has a DH like this and she routinely lies to him about timings, always saying they need to be at places earlier than the real time. I don't think there's a 'cure' for this behaviour.
I’ve started doing this!
OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 05/01/2022 10:01

He is a faffer, you are organised. Sounds like us, so I will lurk in case someone has useful advice.

Mix56 · 05/01/2022 10:02

It would does drive me mental,
Have you ever asked him why he does it? Is it because he wants to "dominate" or simply has no confidence.
Dithering, is agony for me, its physically uncomfortable. Makes my teeth itch.

I usually say if you are coming, its now, & plough off

CriminalOrator · 05/01/2022 10:02

How old is he? Has he always been like it?

Sonex · 05/01/2022 10:03

The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.

Original poster
LibbyVonTrap · 05/01/2022 10:05

@Mix56

It would does drive me mental, Have you ever asked him why he does it? Is it because he wants to "dominate" or simply has no confidence. Dithering, is agony for me, its physically uncomfortable. Makes my teeth itch.

I usually say if you are coming, its now, & plough off

That’s exactly how I am, dithering literally makes me uncomfortable and anxious. I also have adhd so standing watching someone dithering is almost painful.

I sometimes wonder if situations like the airport are a control thing? He stopped our progress as I was the one leading it??

OP posts:
Original poster
LibbyVonTrap · 05/01/2022 10:06

@Sonex

The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.
Yes!! He does this too … just as we’re leaving he’ll say “I just need to try and have a quick poo” - he’s been sat all morning!! He could have had a poo half hour ago!!
OP posts:
BlusteryLake · 05/01/2022 10:08

I think lots of people do this for attention and to make the situation about them. I hate it.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 05/01/2022 10:10

I think my DP does it as a passive aggressive thing. I also tell him different times but still he takes forever to lock up the house or get his shoes on, seriously it's worse than my DS6.

BurbageBrook · 05/01/2022 10:12

My DP is a ditherer as well. It drives me mad. He’s not at all dominant or controlling of situations though, he just moves through life slowly whilst i’m a whirlwind. It’s one of the one things we ever argue about!

Wagsandclaws · 05/01/2022 10:12

My Dh is like this too, I've be her seen anyone empty a tumble dryer or washing machine so slowly.

I'm convinced it is so I don't ask for him to do it again ( as it is actually easier to do myself.

Ohpulltheotherone · 05/01/2022 10:13

@BlusteryLake

I think lots of people do this for attention and to make the situation about them. I hate it.
I think this too.

If someone else is taking the lead they don’t like it and have to bring the attention and control back round to themselves.

DingDongDenny · 05/01/2022 10:14

My DH is like this. I'll say 'We need to go in 10mins' He'll say 'I'm ready' Then 10 mins later I'm ready to walk through the door an he'll 'just' need to go to the loo, brush his teeth, find his shoes, put the bins out etc

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2022 10:15

Ask him if he dithers like this at work and how on earth he hasn't been fired yet!

Scotabroad24 · 05/01/2022 10:16

@Sonex

The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.

Are you me?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/01/2022 10:16

I honestly think it's innate and almost impossible for the person to change unless they really, really want to.

My son does this and it drives me insane. I've left him at home before due to it. I find it utterly disrespectful because 90% of the time it's MY plans that's impacted, not his. So I get less time at the gym, am rushing to find parking and end up spending more because we don't have time to park cheaply and walk, I miss my doctor appointment then have to wait another half hour, etc.

It is absolutely infuriating and yes it makes me physically uncomfortable.

Therealjudgejudy · 05/01/2022 10:16

I literally would refuse to live with someone like this. Just reading these posts is making me anxious!

NeedsCharging · 05/01/2022 10:18

No idea why but just reading your OP made me angry/frustrated!
That behaviour would drive me nuts.
EXSIL is a faffer/always late for everything including her own father funeral and her nephews wedding.
We used to change the timings of things where possible and say so and so is happening earlier than it actual was.

You deserve a medal OP as I could not cope with your DH and his faffing.

DobbleDobble · 05/01/2022 10:19

I think some people are like children and need plenty of time to get ready.Just tell him you need to be at xyz or do xyz half an hour before the actual time.It’s poor time management of himself on his part but alas there are people of the world that are always early or on time and those that run late for everything in the world Grin

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 05/01/2022 10:21

I have got DH organised for some things; enough pestering in the past and time built into the morning routine for his faff means he's always ready to take DS to school on time. It's less expected outings where he drives me crazy. For example, in the holidays we decided the morning was bright so we'd go somewhere. He asked what time, I said "when we're ready"' He took 2 hours 15 min!!! I had me and DS ready, water and snacks packed, multiple jigsaws done and books read when he strolls downstairs still in just boxers, having had a luxurious shave... Then he says "but you didn't specify a time and I was only getting ready". Aaaaargh. It is being distracted rather than controlling for him. I think basically he works if I give him strict times that are a bit earlier than needed. So "be back to the kitchen fully ready by 8.15" will have him strolling in without socks, shoes nor coat at about 8.20; but "as fast as possible" would be more like 9.30 because he's not got a target to aim at so it's easier to lose focus.

LondonWolf · 05/01/2022 10:22

My blood pressure rose just reading that OP.

My ex H was like this but for him it was about pretending I was a silly, emotional, overreacting female who needed to be shown how to deal with life properly. We nearly missed flights more than once and one time he did it at JFK - went off for an amble around just as the flight was called asking ds if he wanted to go too - I said no to ds gathered our belongings and went straight to the plane, kids were stressed and scared “what if Dad misses the plane?!” I said “well it will be his own fault if he does but we won’t” and got on without him. He made it - just.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2022 10:22

What would happen if you said 'we are leaving in 15' irrespective of what activities you suddenly discover have to be done. And then when he goes for a poo or starts to faff around at 1 minute to leaving time, you start to drive off?

I doubt it is controlling unless he is organised when he is on his own and just faffs to ruin your activities. In these examples he would be cutting off his nose to spite his face if he was somehow inadvertently trying to ruin your time by ruining his own as well. I doubt anyone consciously wants to get to the beach and spend the 30 mins looking through bags or standing at the queue at the airport instead of getting through security and sitting down earlier etc

Wallawallakoala · 05/01/2022 10:26

Yep. The timing of his poos like PP says!

I've known him cut the grass an hour before we have to be somewhere because "it'll only take a minute" then he has to shower and we arr an hour late.

It's so difficult leaving the house with him and 2 kids. Sometimes when we are all loaded up in the car he will start something it's unbelievable

Whatwouldscullydo · 05/01/2022 10:27

These people would be dead, unemployed ,and friendless if they really were as useless, disorganised, difficult as they fire you to live with them being.

Its control. Pure and simple.

Don't pander to it. Leave him.to be late..sort yourself out. Do not give it the attention he wants and don't let it stop u being where u need to be when u need to be there