Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@JustUseTheDoorSanta oh god yes this happens all the time here! As soon as we are ready we will go, and I'm leaving the house with wet hair he has had a lovely long shower and shave, sometimes even cut his hair!

I know the feeling. My dh is the same. I've started saying we need to leave 15 minutes before we go, otherwise dh will decide to stack the dishwasher, hoover the floors of whatever when we have an appointment/dc has a club. Same on recent holiday. Arrived late, pool closed within 1 hour of us arriving. Getting to the pool was all dc could talk about all day. Arrive at room and dc started putting swimming costumes on and dh says he wants to unpack suitcase and have a look around the complex! So I said you do that and I'll take dc swimming. He did come eventually but I could tell he was frustrated. I think we just have different ways of doing things. Mostly we find middle ground.

@Sonex

The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.

Thank fuck for that. I thought it was just my DH that does this.

Literally waits until I'm standing at the front door, with keys in hand, before declaring "I'm just going to go to the loo", then returning triumphantly 5 mins later saying "well come on then" as if it's me holding him up! Even my DM was on the receiving end of it this Christmas and the DDog was going mental that he now had to wait for his walk for another 5 mins!

In fairness to DH he does have some toilet phobia issues and he is a hell of a lot better than he used to be, and he knows how much it winds me up.

DD is like this, so am I to a lesser extent, we are both autistic and slow processors. She has absolutely no sense of urgent at all. I have some but I would still have to sort the paperwork before approaching the security desk at an airport. It's not at all for attention or passive aggressive for us, it's just who we are.

@Whatwouldscullydo

These people would be dead, unemployed ,and friendless if they really were as useless, disorganised, difficult as they fire you to live with them being.

Its control. Pure and simple.

Don't pander to it. Leave him.to be late..sort yourself out. Do not give it the attention he wants and don't let it stop u being where u need to be when u need to be there

Oh.

What things does he like to do that are scheduled? I would be deciding I urgently needed to cut my toenails just before he wanted to leave to get to an activity he was really keen on, and then point out how annoying that is later.

My DH is a faffer.

In fact it was MN that introduced me to the term 'inter faff faffing' . when an exponent of the above personality trait can faff within an already prolonged faff.

It does drive me crackers but I have found a tonne of coping mechanisms.

My DP tried doing this, and it's a real trigger for me as my dad is the king of control faffers. DP tried fannying about before we left for a family meal so I just said fine, you do that, I'm off, and took my own car forcing him to bring his car which he hated as he's a real environmentalist. Never did it again!

My dad is incredible at it, doing things like cleaning grouting before leaving etc. Don't know how my mum hasn't had a coronary.

I have a friend who’s like this

I cannot count the amount of times he’s said he’ll be at ours at say 8:00pm

He’s been known to show up at midnight!

Drives me mad but everyone seems to enable him and they find it funny-eyerolls and ‘it’s just the way he is’

We where once having the dog while they went on holiday

They showed up an hour and a half late,due to him faffing about at home,he started yapping about his fave topic (fish) half hour later while his mum was trying to drag him away-that turned into saying a long emotional goodbye to the dog (who we’ve had loads of times and knows us well) then pissing about trying to find the dog lead which was in my partners hand and that turned into checking the dog food (he knows I keep tins in for my sons dog) I then got a speech about how I should mix the biscuits in with the meat,completed with him trying to show me how to mix them (which must have been a special way of doing it as it’s not rocket science) which then his mum lost it,dragged him by the scruff of his neck and finally they drove off

Turned out,they where 5 hours late checking into the hotel due to him pratting about in every services on the way

It’s just laughed off but it would drive me mad

My son used to do the same as a teenager but he learnt fast that he was either ready or I’d just go and leave him-he’s early now for everything as an adult

Yes I do find it really annoying when people are like this! Exh in particular I swear would drag his feet to annoy me.

Dithering, is agony for me, its physically uncomfortable. Makes my teeth itch.

I usually say if you are coming, its now, & plough off
That’s exactly how I am, dithering literally makes me uncomfortable and anxious. I also have adhd so standing watching someone dithering is almost painful.

^^
This is all me!

Although, Ds has suspect adhd too and he’s a ditherer too - but can’t stand it when others do!

I often need to go to the loo when out - this is probably very annoying for others but I honestly can’t help it! So need to learn to be more patient with others I guess (but not deliberate dithered!)

I call DP Captain Faff for this exact reason. He'll say we need to leave at 2pm so I'll run around getting ready while he sits on his phone, waits for me to get my coat on then starts with the "right, where's my keys, wallet ......".

Sympathies; it drives me nuts.

Do any of these men work?
Odd they don't seem to let their controlling behaviour result in job loss, it's not faffing it's control, everything and everyone will dance to their tune.

oh

What do you mean " oh*

Op has mentioned nothing about about aby kind.of disability that causes this.

Merely listed behaviours many of us have witnessed or lived with that seem to.materialise selectively. And which seem to disappear when it's something they want to do.

Literally waits until I'm standing at the front door, with keys in hand, before declaring "I'm just going to go to the loo", then returning triumphantly 5 mins later saying "well come on then" as if it's me holding him up!

I’m really sorry but this is me too (I’m such a hypocrite). I have toilet anxiety so I have to go at the very last minute (due to my parents forever saying “last minute wee!” when we were little). I have to have everyone else completely ready and at the door and then have a wee, and walk straight out of the door after it, with nothing intervening or I need to go again. This is if I need to be out for any reasonable length of time, not the school run or something short.

It's the same as people who are chronically late, their time is more important than yours.

My DH drives me mad, he will get ready early and then be nagging us all to leave even though we'll get to our destination too early (think a restaurant booking 30 mins early) so I'll then refuse to leave until a more reasonable time as the kids get annoyed sitting and waiting in the car till we can go in.

But then, at the time I make us leave in perfect time to get to the restaurant for example he will suddenly decide he needs to recheck all the windows and doors are locked (that I already checked) or go to the loo, or unload the dishwasher or do the bins. Argh!!

Thank goodness my husband and I are as "stressy" as each other and get to the airport 3 hours ahead of schedule (in fact DH is probably worse than I am for being early for things). He doesn't walk as fast as I do though so we can end up at the back of queues that we would have been at the front of if we'd gone at my pace.

However, he does faff around when he's going out. This appears to have happened since covid started. He'll say he's going out for a walk to get the paper or whatever and 20 minutes later he is still here, slowly putting his shoes on or looking for his glasses or other things. I say I am going, get my bag, put my coat and shoes on, and am gone!

Oh yes. When it's "his" activity he's super organised and speedy.
If it's for us or me he becomes a bumbling distracted Mr Bean.
Take yesterday, I had to be at hospital for 12.30 for surgery.
It's an hour's drive away, we still needed to walk dogs, get some shopping and I needed to shower.
10.30 he starts fucking about on Facebook, goes extremely deaf, types messages out at about 1 word pm, I tell him it's quicker to phone, suggest he does it whilst I'm in the shower but no he needs to do it right then.
Poor dogs got a 10 minute whizz and I had to go out with wet hair.

Yup. I find it agonising.

When I finally snap and beg him to please, please get a move on, he will stop dead, look me straight in the eye and say very slowly, "I am going as fast as I can". Which is then more frustrating for me, because a dead stop is NOT 'going as fast as you can'.

After I've been waiting for ages and he's finally ready to leave, he plonks himself in front of my coat and shoes so I can't get to them, and I end up being the one asking him to wait as he's out the door while I'm still shrugging into my sleeves. I've started directly saying to him that he needs to either hand me my coat and shoes or stand out of the way, but whatever he chooses he should NOT prevent me from getting to them.

He also blames his mum for making him do a wee right as they were about to go anywhere - but he's in his 40s now FFS!

It's so PA.

I call my husband a gaffer, he says he us just checking he has everything! We are rarely late because he insists on setting off well before we need to. To be fair he allows for things to potentially go wrong, I just hope they dont!!
Both my sons have followed in his ways and will methodically go through the ' phone, check keys check
wallet, check ' routine while I just fly out the house!
We've learned to live with each others ways with one saying ' hurry up' and the other saying ' have you got everything'🤣

*I cannot count the amount of times he’s said he’ll be at ours at say 8:00pm

He’s been known to show up at midnight!*

@Buytoomuchonebay I hear ya! My SIL is well known for this. One particularly memorable occasion was when she was due at ours at 2PM, she finally arrived at 9PM and was surprised to find all my young kids already in bed.

She was also due here a few weeks ago for lunch, we had the food ready but no SIL. DH called her and turned out she decided to "pop in" and visit another friend first and didnt realise she was late. She finally arrived 3 hours late and was annoyed at no food being left.

As an expert on this the only thing that works consistently is lying about the time by an hour. If we need to leave at 8.00 am dp will internally read this as 5 minutes before 9 so I tell him 7.00 and we are generally on time. We have discussed his faffing at length and, like your airport scenario, I now ask him to get everything ready before we land and talk through the expectations when we are inside eg I'll do this if you can be doing this. It's a bloody pain to have to remember everything but if it works, it's worth it.
We are campervanners and the amount of 'stuff' he has to do last minute has driven me to tears over the last 40 years. Again, I now mention - do you need to eat, shower, toilet, empty/fill up containers, check tyres etc long before it's necessary and it's much better. I feel for all of you on this thread!

I’m highly organised so never late for stuff and would never let that queue of people get there before me because I’d have all paperwork in hand !!
When things are more spontaneous because I’m a planner I’m aware (I’ve been made aware) that I can sometime faff about. Some time ago I made a decision to change this because it was causing tiffs with dp and I saw it in myself. It can be changed. Needs some open discourse. And needs practice - it’s ok to go out without warning - if somethings been forgotten so what as long as you have essentials (keys/cards/phone) you’ll be fine usually.
Good luck.

Im not convinced by the 'men dont do this at work' thing, i have certainly worked with:

Men who are consistently late to meetings but pass it off because they are so busy and important
Men who faff and procrastinate and dont actually do what they need to, at a junior level this usually means the rest of the team picking up the slack, at a senior level its called delegating but sometimes goes beyond that
Men who wont make a decision, or when you think a decision has been made return to previous points and start to go over them again etc

This isnt solely a male trait but the thread is male focussed hence my answer. And a lot of this im so important everyone else must scurry around me because I dont have time to worry about minutiae like timekeeping etc is often rewarded if played in the right way

So yes some of them probably do faff at work, and there is probably some underling/over stetched member of the team getting equally frustrated

I do think there is an element of control with it.

DP is not a faffer in the sense of cleaning grouting or mopping floors just as we are going out but i have noticed that if its something for me that we are going out for we are normally late.

Say we had to be somewhere at 7pm he would decide at 6.30 to have a shower, except his showers last at least 20 minutes, then getting dried and dressed so we are normally 20 minutes late.

But oddly when it is something for him we are always early, so i have started playing him at his own game for this, we leave when i am ready, i dont make us late but on time, pisses me off rocking up somewhere 20 - 30 minutes early and waiting for everyone else. Now we turn up on time. I can see he gets annoyed but i take my time and make sure we dont leave too early.

We are still late for my things though.