Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@StaplesCorner

15 pages of this so its clearly an issue, but the thing that's standing out for me is the word "faffing" because it makes it sound like a jolly little foible. To me this is non-negotiable, it would be a deal breaker because I see it as controlling and vindictive.

My H would stay in bed, then come downstairs at noon knowing the kids wanted to go out and had been waiting all morning and then start to prepare breakfast; if I challenged him he'd say "am I not even allowed to have any breakfast in my own house?" I think some (but not all) of the accounts in the previous posts are on this level yet they are written as anecdotes, what a cheeky chappie etc. I just don't get it, but its thought provoking - I find it so upsetting, others seem to just laugh it off

@StaplesCorner I have said on an earlier page that i think there is a control element to it. My DP is not a faffer as such but we are always late for my things.

One year many years ago we went to a theme park as a surprise for the kids, one had been before and the other 2 hadnt. We didnt live too far from it so it wasnt a long journey.

On the day, i made sure everyone had breakfast, except DP who didnt want any. We finally arrived, the kids were bouncing off the ceiling with excitement and the first thing we did? DP decided he wanted breakfast, we had to go and sit in a cafe whilst he had breakfast, he was the only one who ate, me and the 3 kids were sat with him at the table whilst he slowly ate his breakfast. The youngest 2 were nearly crying as they were so excited and had to sit in the cafe watching him eat.

I was fucking furious and knew it was control. I didnt say anything as it would have caused a row and ruined the day, if i had gone off with the kids whilst he took forever to fucking eat it would have caused a huge row.

Thankfully he has got better over the years as i dont hold back anymore and we have had huge arguments over it.

Not rtft but felt I had to comment after reading people saying it’s a control thing.
My DH is exactly like this - last minute for doing everything, thinks about things to do on way out the door…..I could go on and on.
Turns out he is dyslexic (diagnosed as an adult) therefore this is what causes him to have no sense of time/urgency etc.
Maybe worth considering!

[quote banivani]On a light-hearted note - nobody has put up the links to the Wait But Why posts on procrastination and lateness so I'm going to because they're internet classics.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html[/quote]
This is amazing

BackInBlackAgain

One year many years ago we went to a theme park as a surprise for the kids, one had been before and the other 2 hadnt. We didnt live too far from it so it wasnt a long journey.

On the day, i made sure everyone had breakfast, except DP who didnt want any. We finally arrived, the kids were bouncing off the ceiling with excitement and the first thing we did? DP decided he wanted breakfast, we had to go and sit in a cafe whilst he had breakfast, he was the only one who ate, me and the 3 kids were sat with him at the table whilst he slowly ate his breakfast. The youngest 2 were nearly crying as they were so excited and had to sit in the cafe watching him eat.

I was fucking furious and knew it was control. I didnt say anything as it would have caused a row and ruined the day, if i had gone off with the kids whilst he took forever to fucking eat it would have caused a huge row.

Thankfully he has got better over the years as i dont hold back anymore and we have had huge arguments over it.

That is horrendous.
I would kick the hole off him. What a prick.

@banivani oh my goodness I live in the dark playground and I actually think I am the monkey as opposed to being led astray by him. Definitely a different thing to dithering, which I don't do but I've just seen my life and brain in diagram form.

@GiantHaystacks2021

BackInBlackAgain

One year many years ago we went to a theme park as a surprise for the kids, one had been before and the other 2 hadnt. We didnt live too far from it so it wasnt a long journey.

On the day, i made sure everyone had breakfast, except DP who didnt want any. We finally arrived, the kids were bouncing off the ceiling with excitement and the first thing we did? DP decided he wanted breakfast, we had to go and sit in a cafe whilst he had breakfast, he was the only one who ate, me and the 3 kids were sat with him at the table whilst he slowly ate his breakfast. The youngest 2 were nearly crying as they were so excited and had to sit in the cafe watching him eat.

I was fucking furious and knew it was control. I didnt say anything as it would have caused a row and ruined the day, if i had gone off with the kids whilst he took forever to fucking eat it would have caused a huge row.

Thankfully he has got better over the years as i dont hold back anymore and we have had huge arguments over it.

That is horrendous.
I would kick the hole off him. What a prick.

It was a low point in our relationship i have to admit and we very nearly split up over that and several other things.

He has to his credit, never done anything like that again,

I was furious at the time but trying to keep it nice and happy so the kids didnt have their day spoilt as any pointing out of DP's short comings would result in a vicious rebuke to me and a huge row.

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch and @liveforsummer - right! the "not this minute, next minute! not this minute, next minute! bit is my life. I am seldom late though, I'm more a three hours early at the airport type.

@banivani yep I set times to start doing something then increase when it gets to that time and on and on until it's too late and I might as well remain in the dark playground and try again tomorrow. Similarly I am never late though. Will just get ready at the last minute and if I have somewhere to be I find it hard to get anything else done in the wait time before leaving. Always super early to the airport and very organised (probably because I enjoy every part of that) but the suitcase absolutely won't be packed until the final moments with panic monster screaming in my ears 😆

@DingDongDenny

My DH is like this. I'll say 'We need to go in 10mins' He'll say 'I'm ready' Then 10 mins later I'm ready to walk through the door an he'll 'just' need to go to the loo, brush his teeth, find his shoes, put the bins out etc

Are we married to the same man?!

BackInBlackAgain

It was a low point in our relationship i have to admit and we very nearly split up over that and several other things.

He has to his credit, never done anything like that again,

I was furious at the time but trying to keep it nice and happy so the kids didnt have their day spoilt as any pointing out of DP's short comings would result in a vicious rebuke to me and a huge row.

He's very lucky you didn't split up with him.
I honestly would have kicked the head off him.
What a selfish bastard.

I hope you served him his arse.

@toxic44

It can be anxiety-driven. Mine is the same and it does my head in. It's not he wants to control me, he wants to put off dealing with the event. And he gets waylaid. Me: Come to the table please, I'm just serving up. Him: oh, I left my phone upstairs. Disappears for 10 mins, runs in all a-fluster. Sorry, I forgot. Aagghh!

I sort of get wanting to put off an event, party/wedding whatever but dinner? What's to worry about eating dinner?

And of course if these faffers are young then yeah I get that it's all scary until you figure out that actually no ones looking at you and no one cares what you look like, what you say, everyone else is not thinking about you.
But once you've lived a while, to say maybe your late 20s, surely at some point you recognise that; events aren't all that long; sometimes you have to just suck it up and attend events; fake a personality until you make a personality; all the other wisdom that comes with age.

I do think a lot of faffers are controlling, some are lazy, some have anxiety about looking after their own children/attending events and some just plain faff about.

It drives me crazy (yes mine does this too) I now lie about the time we need to be somewhere and I sneakily move the clocks in the house forward a wee bit (the car clock too) it does help a bit.

My sister's other half is like this, but with him it really does seem like a control thing.

He is NOTORIOUS for wanting to take the "scenic route" when driving somewhere, just for the fun of driving. One time the whole family was gathering to take our dad on a steam train for his 60th birthday. Who had the tickets, AND was nearly late because he was taking the scenic route? Dear sis and her obnoxious partner. He just wanted them to pull up in his sports car and us all to watch him. Instead we were like "fucking come on!! MOVE YOURSELVES!"

Another time he wanted to drive the scenic route to the bloody CREMATORIUM for a family funeral!! We were like, "NO YOU DON'T!"

Another time he volunteered to buy 4 tickets to the Royal Albert Hall for a concert mum wanted to attend for her birthday. Sent ME a link for a private box costing nearly a grand... I told him absolutely not, buy regular person seats. His reply? "We'll see..." I couldn't stand the thought of watching him make it all about him AGAIN. So I just hopped on the website and booked them myself.

It's not quite faffing, but it's making things just inconvenient and annoying for everyone else. My sister doesn't seem to mind, but god, it gets my goat.

@chami1982

Some men could be just slow if their body has become slow. Some men have health conditions like sleep apnoea which makes them not get good sleep and they feel lethargic and tired all day. Then each action may end up very slow. They may have low energy in particular times of day when they feel like sleeping/relaxing. Just another perspective....

I can probably agree with this but then why does he not explain that or do something about it? That and they are like this for decades before they get anywhere near old. It just worsens when they get old. I'm menopausal and getting my large arse out of bed after less than an hours sleep is torture, but I'm getting on with that, take HRT, if I need a nap at some point and its possible then i do nap, etc etc. Those we are talking about are like this from day one, not 10/15/20 years in.

I've found my people!! Drives me crazy. It's the slow saunter to the car from the front door while we're all sat there waiting that really gets the red mist rising.

My boss at work is like this. If you are leading an idea, he does everything to slow you down and I give up and he finds a way to take control and acts all blank like it was his idea all along.

You are my dh, and I am your dh op!
Dh has adhd, is always pacing around waiting for me, getting irritated by my dithering,
I am very much a ditherer, easily get distracted from what we are meant to be doing, running around the house when we are already 5 mins late saying "I just need to..."
And no, its not a control thing! What a silly thing to say, just because he's a man 🙄

DPiL were terrible faffers. They would ask to take DGC out to the zoo. On the chosen day DH would deliver DCs at the chosen hour; clean, dressed, breakfasted, ready to go.

DPiL would still be in dressing gowns eating a leisurely breakfast. They would then decide that a second breakfast was needed. Eventually DFiL would go and have a shower. Then DMiL would have a shower. It would then be time for a cup of coffee. By this time it would be nearly lunchtime so DFiL would be sent off to the shop to get something for lunch. Lunch would be leisurely and followed by a cup of coffee.

By this time it would be mid afternoon so too late to go to the zoo.

DCs were good at hiding their disappointment but eventually one day they rebelled and said they didn't want to 'go to the zoo' with DGPs. They loved visiting but didn't want to be promised a zoo trip which would then not happen.

The next time a zoo trip was suggested DH took charge and said he would do the driving. DPiL would be picked up. There was still a certain amount of faffing but they were only about 30 minutes late setting off.

Our husbands must be twins. It is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. No advice, just sympathy.

On the day, i made sure everyone had breakfast, except DP who didnt want any. We finally arrived, the kids were bouncing off the ceiling with excitement and the first thing we did? DP decided he wanted breakfast, we had to go and sit in a cafe whilst he had breakfast, he was the only one who ate, me and the 3 kids were sat with him at the table whilst he slowly ate his breakfast. The youngest 2 were nearly crying as they were so excited and had to sit in the cafe watching him eat.

As you said, not faffing, control.

The needing to eat as soon as you get somewhere is a pain and women do it too, alongside needing the loo last minute.

I have 2 friends who'll complain about being hungry as soon as we go out, even though we've not gone to eat (theatre, gig, or similar) and we'll have to wander round looking for food before we can settle. They don't compute how faffy and annoying it is. Sister does it too, often about her daughter who's 5, saying she needs to eat so we have to go searching for a Gregg's or coop or something e.g. say we've gone out to a museum or hiking. If your kid can't manage more than an hour without food then take a bag of snacks out with you rather than inconveniencing everyone else!

@KatherineJaneway

On the day, i made sure everyone had breakfast, except DP who didnt want any. We finally arrived, the kids were bouncing off the ceiling with excitement and the first thing we did? DP decided he wanted breakfast, we had to go and sit in a cafe whilst he had breakfast, he was the only one who ate, me and the 3 kids were sat with him at the table whilst he slowly ate his breakfast. The youngest 2 were nearly crying as they were so excited and had to sit in the cafe watching him eat.

As you said, not faffing, control.

Such nasty behaviour towards your children, so fxxking unkind.

I just couldn't be with a man who would do that to his own children.

@BackInBlackAgain you sound so reasonable, how did you move on from that fury?

Genuine question.

@VTechnophobe

I've found my people!! Drives me crazy. It's the slow saunter to the car from the front door while we're all sat there waiting that really gets the red mist rising.

AND the slow driving. I quite often have to drive to events because my blood pressure is so high that if I have to sit in the passenger seat while he drives at 25mph I'll go crazy after all the faffing just to get out the door.

We took two cars to an event the other day and I landed up following him home. I have long maintained he must be that driver that makes everyone else get road rage and I am now 100% certain of it. He's slow, he stops to let EVERYONE in etc etc. It was a 10 minute drive and I think I counted 6 times he slowed (even more) unnecessarily to let a car in. It was a quiet day, on suburban roads.... not ONE of those people he was letting in had been waiting or would have waited. Infuriating.

My DM operates on a completely different time scale to the rest of the human race, she takes probably 5x as long to do any given task that anyone else would take and the sheer amount of pointless, time consuming faffing she does is mind boggling.

I think it's a combination of her barely ever working in her entire life so she has no concept of having to do anything in a timely and efficient manner and also having quite an obsessive personality meaning meaning she'll often get drawn into completing an often pointless and unimportant task no matter how long it takes.

Just one example I called round to see her the other day, she got up to make herself some lunch (didn't ask if I wanted anything, but that's a different story) and then spent 45 minutes in the kitchen making herself a ham salad sandwich and a cup of tea!

On the 2 UK based holidays we went on last year we took separate cars, him and DD in his, mine and DS in mine. Ridiculous that it's had to come to that but the relief of just being able to pack and leave at both ends of the holiday without the interminable faff was immense. Also meant I could just get up and go out in the mornings on said holidays as the rest of the family seem to struggle with the concept of being "ready" before at least 12 noon...