Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

Mine is like this too, though not all the time.

When we're leaving the house he always has to stand and mentally tick off a list of everything he needs (wallet, phone, baby stuff, bag etc), and go through that list a few times. If a noise or I disturb him he has to restart the list, even slower....

Sometimes I watch him standing there, his lips twitching as he silently mouths out his list, and I think oooo I could punch you.

I love him though.

He also blames his mum for making him do a wee right as they were about to go anywhere - but he's in his 40s now FFS!

But this is truuuueeee! 😂

I can get the rest of ready but the wee needs to be last

My ex would do this . We were leaving about 2am for the airport. His only responsibility was the car but he then tells me he needs petrol !! We drove on a wing and a prayer to the motorway services and paid a fortune . He would always set off without any cash and have to stop at s machine making us late . I wonder if he just wanted me to pay every time !

I used to have an ex boyfriend like this. I'd tell him what time I needed to leave in the morning for work and he'd say he'd go with me, only for him to arse about for 15 minutes when I had to go. I think it was a control thing - he knew I'd get in trouble for being late because I'd told him, but he was self-employed so he had no strict times.

In the end I just used to tell him what time I was going and then I would go at that time, regardless of whether he was ready. If he got annoyed (which he often did), I'd just tell him that he was given plenty of notice and if he's not ready on time it's his fault. He was a barrister and I'd point out to him that he'd never do this to a court.

You need to work out why he does it.
Then take it from there.

My DH is a bit like this
He 9hates shopping but went out the week before Xmas with teen DD. (I'm sure online shopping would be way less stressful for him but he had probably left too late)
DH to DD the day before : I'm going to wake you at 8am, we must leave by 8.30 , it's going to be hideous and awful if we go later.
DD complained and appealed to go later. He ignored and woke her at 8. She came down at 8.30 ready to go.
He had made himself a cooked breakfast and was still eating it.
Then had to go to the loo.
Then couldn't find wallet and went off to look for it.
Then faffed about looking for mask and car keys.
Then went to the loo again.
They left at 8.50.
DD was aggrieved she could have had longer in bed.

You need to work out why he does it.
Then take it from there

Why does the op need to do this. Its his behaviour not hers. She's responsible only fir herself. She's supposed to be his partner not his mother.

My DP is a flapper/faffer
It drives me demented but after a friend and myself confronted him on how ridiculous his time keeping was due to this he has improved to some extent. I don’t think he realised the impact it was having on other people.

My ex-husband was like this - so I always was sure to have my own passport and papers, have whatever I needed on my person etc, and then I would completely disregard his faffing and carry on regardless of what he was or wasn't doing. The very worst thing you can do is try to lecture and prescribe to them - it does nothing, and it gets you frustrated.

The best approach is like OP did at the beach - and what I always did.

When we moved house, I sent him up to dismantle the cot and me and the removal men loaded the rest onto the van. They then waited around for him and the cot while I went to the new house and opened up.

I've literally got on trains without him in the past. Me and my sister once visited the Wallace Monument while he was faffing in a toilet somewhere in Stirling. He was once unable to find me in the cinema because the film had started while he was faffing, and so we watched it separately. He missed a baptism because I went without him - but this meant he was very promptly ready for the various funerals we attended after that.

You learn to ignore the faffing, and actually, he was much less faffy by the time we divorced.

I thought this was just me. I love my DH dearly but fucking hell his slowness and his faffing make me ragey in the extreme.

After years of careful study I've realised it comes down to a difference in approach. I hate the idea that someone might be waiting for me, or inconvenienced by me etc so I try my best to make everything run like clockwork. Whereas it doesn't occur to DH that someone might be waiting for him, or that his actions might inconvenience someone. He is purely focused on the situation right in front him, ie getting himself ready. He doesn't seem to see himself in the global picture of what else might be going on ie someone waiting for him, or needing a hand getting the kids ready etc.

My in-laws are the worst faffers ever and I think he has just learned it from them. They are even faffy in the way they speak to one another. Every single phone call will begin with the same faffy convoluted routine of conversation about how people are (fine) how the weather is (fine) etc etc. After a full 10 minutes of repetitive meaningless patter they'll eventually get round to mentioning that they'd better go as there's a bear chasing them or their leg has fallen off and they need an ambulance... just get to the fucking POINT!

I used to give DH a lift home from his office every Friday night as I'd have the car in the city for work on a Friday. Every fucking week he'd leave me waiting for 20+ minutes while he dicked about in his office. I couldn't get stopped outside his office so would be circling the streets for that full time. It was meant to be a nice thing to drive home together and every week I'd be fuming and planning our divorce. So glad we wfh now...

I grew up in a household where we were often running late - partly due to my Dad's faffing, partly because the house was always in a mess so things would be lost, partly because we were poor so unexpected things would go wrong like the car wouldn't start. Consequently I like to leave a good amount of time to get places and get to places early, although it took me until my mid to late 20s to sort myself out in this way.

DH on the other hand hates being early and "hanging about" and will consequently leave at what seems to be to be the very last minute. I really hate it and it makes me anxious. He on the other hand hates what he perceives as me rushing him and fretting unnecessarily. He is right that we are rarely really late to things, although often five to ten minutes late, and if we are it seems not to make that much difference, but I can't help but feel that since he knows how stressed I get (and so does DS2) he could at least take that into account , but it's like the more I stress the more he deliberately takes things slowly.

He also faffs at the dinner table. So I will call everyone for dinner - the kids will come and sit down, I will sit down, then we are waiting for him to amble in - and then he doesn't sit down but will always find something missing from the table that he needs -hot sauce, or cheese, or a different drink - and wander about getting that, while we are all sitting there waiting. I did once fill the table with every condiment we owned, to stop him doing that, and he laughed but it didn't do much.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He also blames his mum for making him do a wee right as they were about to go anywhere - but he's in his 40s now FFS!

But this is truuuueeee! 😂

I can get the rest of ready but the wee needs to be last

Ha! My DC will hopefully be blaming me for this at 40 too. Wee before you leave the house! Always haha

My occasionally wise mother once said to me, you need to find a way to accept this because he isn't going to change.

I am still working on that.

He doesn't like to be rushed and you don't like to be slowed down. You both just need to compromise where you can. But when you can't, it's a "nope, Cya!" moment.

I think some people do this as a passive aggressive form of behaviour. It's asserting their control, or annoyance silently in the most annoying way possible. Could this be on purpose OP?

My DH is like this slightly out of anxiety. He is getting treatment for this and it has improved. A lot of it is him needing his thoughts and concerns acknowledged, it’s attention seeking. I have learnt to ignore and push him to manage it. He manages for work so can for other things! I have noticed his family are all like it. They faff and fuss to try and dominate situations and get attention. It’s crazy and I think all stems from their mum being a very controlling person.

I have learnt that if I want us to do something as a family I have to be the driving force. I don’t mind this if it’s something I want. If I am not so invested I let him get on with it and if his faffing causes problems it’s on him!

@OnaBegonia

Do any of these men work? Odd they don't seem to let their controlling behaviour result in job loss, it's not faffing it's control, everything and everyone will dance to their tune.

100%.

They enjoy the resistance of obstructing, frustrating and controlling someone else who is taking the lead - I suspect in activities they haven’t organised. They don’t like being “organised” by someone else. It’s passive aggressive.

Don’t see this behaviour on a daily basis when they are late for work etc.

Needs some “spot-lighting” at a calm time with consequences spelt out. “I have noticed that you do x when we are due to go out. It makes me feel y. On Saturday we need to leave at 2 - if you are not in the car before then I will go on ahead and you will have to sort your own travel arrangements”

I also think building in extra time for these people is wrong - because they are not addressing there issues.

@Nidan2Sandan

*I cannot count the amount of times he’s said he’ll be at ours at say 8:00pm

He’s been known to show up at midnight!*

@Buytoomuchonebay I hear ya! My SIL is well known for this. One particularly memorable occasion was when she was due at ours at 2PM, she finally arrived at 9PM and was surprised to find all my young kids already in bed.

She was also due here a few weeks ago for lunch, we had the food ready but no SIL. DH called her and turned out she decided to "pop in" and visit another friend first and didnt realise she was late. She finally arrived 3 hours late and was annoyed at no food being left.

I think your sister in law is my aunt!lol

She’s just as bad-I cannot count the amount of times,as children we where left waiting for her to show up

We went on holiday with her once-she got there 4 hours late,pissed about unloading suitcases,faffed about getting my cousins washed and changed to go down for dinner (10 year age gap-one was a baby) and then finally came down

We’d been to the beach in that time,gone on the rides and where heading back to eat

I felt so sorry for my cousin who’d missed out on the fun while she faffed

I’m nc now but I’ve heard she’s still the same

I work with a lady who’s the same

If she’s due in for say 11am,you just know you won’t see her before half 12 (she just strolls in-no phone call) but she’ll make sure she leaves early,every single time,even if it’s just half an hour

The best excuse I heard was ‘it’s not my fault!I got talking to someone at the bus stop’

Work are sick of it but they don’t do anything about it-they might have a half hearted word but one time a young mum was ten minutes late due to childcare issues (she did ring to let them know) and she got hauled over the coals for it and they made her catch up on those lost minutes at the end of her shift

It amazes me that people enable it!

If your more than ten minutes late,I’m off

Text me when you get there and it’s 50/50 if I can be arsed to go back-often I’m on my way home-I have a friend who’s always early-it’s normally me that shows up ten minutes early only to find she’s been waiting half hour for me!

Is he possibly dyslexic? Time is a linear concept, and people with dyslexia can struggle with linear thinking.

Mine does this. Or he'll decide that the living room absolutely must be hoovered before we leave the house. Despite the fact there is NO ONE in the house and he could just hoover when we get back. It baffles me, it really does.

Keep your own passport and documents and luggage on you and leave the moron standing there next time.

ADHD? There are a lot of undiagnosed adults out there!

procrastination and poor time management are common ADHD flags

My friend's husband was (partly) cured of this with a little help from me.
She had a toddler to wrangle, and a musician DH (who was never late for paying gigs) if she wanted to arrive early at church for rehearsal using the one family car. He would need to entertain the toddler while rehearsal proceeded, so put off the hassle by disappearing for a leisurely poo at the critical moment, meaning that she either waited for him, and was late, or used public transport (Sunday bus service not so reliable).
So I suggested that it would be easier if I diverted my route slightly, collected her in my car, and left him to follow on with their DS in the family car.
The first time I did this, I remember the wail of dismay drifting out from the toilet as he realised that he could take as long as he needed, but would be in sole charge of his DS when he emerged. He was cross about it, but constrained by the need to keep up the "nice guy" appearance.