Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I sometimes wonder if situations like the airport are a control thing? He stopped our progress as I was the one leading it??

It sounds. to me as if it's more of a security thing - he wanted everything organised before you got there, he didn't want to be standing with a large queue behind you trying to find the right bits of paperwork.

@NdujaWannaDance

Retirement means they can barely function at all

This is why I do not want my DH to retire

Are they socialised to be this useless or to expect the world to revolve around them, or is it a conscious decision to be so ineffectual that someone - a woman - will come along and sort everything out for them

This is what gets me..besides the hygiene lecture in high school we had no extra lessons in this life skill stuff. We had to just work ut out for ourselves. No one handed us an.instruction.manual with the baby or the job. We just had to get on with it.

DH and his mum are like this, they just seem to be incapable of planning ahead, so everything has to be done at the last possible minute which results in running late all the time.

There've been a few occasions where DH has commented on how stressed I seem just before leaving the house, while I'm watching the clock hands whizz past the time we were meant to leave.

For context, when not being slowed down by him, I like to always be at least 15 minutes early so I'm not rushing.

Are you married to my DH? No answers but you have my sympathy

DH is a bit like this. If we've agreed to go somewhere at 10:00, at 09:50 I'll pee, check my wallet and keys are in my pockets, etc, at 09:55 I'll put on my coat and shoes and at 09:58 I'll be standing at the door. Whereas at 10:00 he'll get up from the computer, go to the toilet, brush his teeth, style his hair...

However, the queen of it is MIL. At 10:05 she'll get up, go to the toilet, get FIL to fill a water bottle... No, not that water bottle, Nigel! You know I don't like that one! Get the red one with the thingy, you know, the thingy! Oh, I'll do it myself. Should we pack a snack? Do we have any snacks? What if we get stuck in traffic? Where are those packs of raisins, Nigel, I know I put them in the cupboard! Handbag, where's my handbag... No, that's the big one and I wanted to bring the medium-sized one! Right, need to move my wallet and keys... Oh. My keys are in the small handbag. Nigel, did you move my small handbag? Oh, for heaven's sake! I'll use the small one... Where is my kindle? Nigel, get the car. Oh, I haven't brushed my hair yet, I can't leave the house like this! Nigel, where's your other glove? Honestly.

We basically know to add 45 minutes to an hour onto any estimate of their arrival.

This all is infuriating.

Just leave these pricks behind and go off without them.
It's the only way.
Cause and consequence.
That'll learn them.

In my house this is down to dyslexia and ADHD. However, we have learned strategies so as not to piss the rest of the world off.

I have a 16 year old DS that's like this. I have to tell him we are leaving at least 15 mins before we are actually leaving. He takes at least 5 minutes to tie his shoes even when I'm saying Hurry Up we're leaving NOW. Absolutely no urgency to the kid at all. I hoped he'd grow out of it but maybe not.

I’d change the clocks in your house and his phone clock so it always looks like he’s running late, might speed him up a bit?

DP is the same. We’ve got a toddler and she’s ready to go long before he is. Then he starts faffing – “We’re at the door, ready to go, come on” and he goes “I’m ready – just need to put my shoes on, find my coat, get my bag and have some water, quick wee then I’m there”, all of which he’s had time to do but instead hid upstairs on his phone – and in the faffing time toddler gets bored and either has to be frogmarched on ahead and DP catches up, or she’ll take her coat off/need another wee/want an extra banana/do something annoying.

There’s no cure except fucking murder.

Just reading your OP made me feel murderous. I think I’d have to kill him and then faff around for a while in his honour - might as while have a drink - before I efficiently buried him under the the patio.

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

I sometimes wonder if situations like the airport are a control thing? He stopped our progress as I was the one leading it??

It sounds. to me as if it's more of a security thing - he wanted everything organised before you got there, he didn't want to be standing with a large queue behind you trying to find the right bits of paperwork.

Or he could organise himself on the plane! It’s not like there isn’t time to kill 😂

I can't bear being with my DH when he does anything on the computer. It's like he has to read and contemplate the entire page rather than just clicking on the obvious link for what he needs to do. Hovering his cursor all over the place and all the irrelevant things when CLICK HERE DH is flashing at him in the middle of the page. It makes me want to grab the laptop off him, what takes me 2 seconds seems to take him minutes.

Dh is not like this, he’s also rushing me places and acting like going to a cafe for lunch needs the same level of timing as a rocket launch. He doesn’t try to control me at all, famously I bought a house while he was at work, he hadn’t even seen it online

EXCEPT when we get to a bloody airport! He keeps trying to take all the passports and tickets and keep the in a weird folder, stressing when I hold my own boarding pass when we are bloody boarding. It’s weird as hell, kids are teenagers so I give their boarding passes and passports when heading to the gate and he actually went white. My conclusion is when they separate girls and boys for sex Ed this is what they are getting taught about. I have no solution except to arrive at the airport 3 days before the flight and keep showing him I have my passport.

If its not a disorder of any kind, I would just leave them behind, or make it clear as to why we are late when we get there and it wouldn't be a haha you know what they are like, it would be x didn't get ready in time, I was sitting in the car waiting to go.

I wouldn't be lying to them and telling them a different time, because it gives no consequences. If you are late to the film, they might not let you in, you get pissed off with them, waste of money etc, stop pandering to them

@Pedalpushers

I can't bear being with my DH when he does anything on the computer. It's like he has to read and contemplate the entire page rather than just clicking on the obvious link for what he needs to do. Hovering his cursor all over the place and all the irrelevant things when CLICK HERE DH is flashing at him in the middle of the page. It makes me want to grab the laptop off him, what takes me 2 seconds seems to take him minutes.

DH is the same when the Firestick connected to the TV conks out. It will come up with an error message and a big button that says "OK" that you have to click before solving the issue, and he will just sit there and stare and stare and stare at it....

has he changed recently or is this how he has always been? If so and you are annoyed by it, why did you marry? If he has changed then again why has he changed?

My ex husband was like this. He was even late for our wedding rehearsal because of faffing with a work thing.
I actually told him we were getting married half an hour before we really were, because l wasn't sure if he'd be late or not.
Every morning when l was on early shifts (we only had one car then, and both had to leave together) l'd be chasing him so l wasn't late for work (he started half an hour after me). And when l was on late shifts he was almost always late picking me up because he'd been 'busy', ie faffing.
I had one weekend in three off. On that weekend he'd go to bed late on the Friday night, stay in bed until almost lunchtime, faff about for a couple of hours, then announce it was too late to go anywhere because everywhere would be busy.
After we split up he was made redundant from his job, and l suspect his perpetual lateness was a factor. He'd always insisted that 'well l stay later, don't l, so it doesn't matter', but it does, when you're not working flexible hours.

It's infuriating. They're adults, and it just comes across as either being utterly disorganised, or passive aggressive.

Maybe some people should consider,that lots of faffers find very organised people very annoying. There are lots of people who have to check things before making a move somewhere, its a kind of obsession with them, to be able to feel comfortable, that all is correct before going out to do something. And it's not only men who do this. I know plenty of women who are so called faffers.

@Pedalpushers

I can't bear being with my DH when he does anything on the computer. It's like he has to read and contemplate the entire page rather than just clicking on the obvious link for what he needs to do. Hovering his cursor all over the place and all the irrelevant things when CLICK HERE DH is flashing at him in the middle of the page. It makes me want to grab the laptop off him, what takes me 2 seconds seems to take him minutes.

Oh god, yes, this too. Also DS. Not DD. Yet another reason I think it's all tied to this executive function issue.

DS is only 6 but is already 500x better at getting herself ready, or managing any normal task, than her brother. And about 100x better than her dad.....

Incidentally, I think they get it from MIL. She has ALSO learnt tools to manage herself better, but if I was married to her she'd drive me crazy because she's even worse than DH in terms of needing to allocate significantly more time to a task that would take 5 minutes. She once spent 23 minutes making boiled eggs and toast for DS (I timed her). But she lives alone and as long as I don't expect anything spontaneous from her, it's fine. I just know that if she's meeting us at 11:00, she probably starts getting ready at about 8am.

I have a faffer. And what irritates me is that I am so often late now because I don't seem to be able/willing to accept that I have to take the lead and do the extra things to get going. So I still plan all preparation on the assumption that it will be done 50/50. And I now have a reputation for being late all the time and it irritates me a LOT.

I don't make new year resolutions but I have been working really hard on accepting that my DH has some strengths and weaknesses, as do I, and to focus on his strengths rather than his weaknesses. In 2022, one of those is going to be accepting that I need to take on the burden of getting ready for things and that means I have to allocate more time. I will be irritated, but I'm hoping the joy of being on TIME is going to outweigh the irritation.

I know plenty of faffers and in my experience it's certainly not limited to domestic/home life.

I've worked with SO many people who faff in the workplace - but they disguise it as something else and they get away with it. They either have the "gift of the gab" and talk their way out of trouble or delegate their tasks to other people in the guise of "practise" or "training".

I had a boss who did both. He was a nightmare to work with and so, so stressful. He blamed his faffing on his delegate/deputies and had quite a few team members quit under him because they were so sick of him blaming everyone else.

My DH is like this.

I go somewhere with our one year old - change of clothes, nappies, wipes, snacks and some toys and out the door.

I go somewhere with our one year old and DH and it takes forever. The worst is when he leaves DS and I strapped in the car with the engine running while he faffs in the house.

I have a female partner who likes to arrive bang on time for everything, won't ever risk being early.

Inevitably something happens that means we get delayed leaving the house, or there's extra traffic ..and we always end up being late.

It really stresses me out, and I've mentioned how it me makes me feel. The last time we argued about what time we needed to leave the house to be on time for something, and she said "well 10.45 , it starts at 11.00 and takes 15 minutes to get there" , I replied , so , I take it you deliberately enjoy seeing me anxious and worked up then?

Some people seem to see being on time, or working to someone elses time line, a sign of weakness. God bless the rebels that enjoy being late or like holding people up.