Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I'm a faffer but I hope no-one thinks I do it as some kind of weird control thing or attention seeking

I'm just really poor at estimating how long it will take me to get ready. So I know I need to leave at 10:30 but then I forget that means I need to get downstairs around 10:15 to do my last bits to leave. I also have anxiety about leaving anywhere without having a last wee (even if I just went 10 minutes ago). Sometimes I stall as I am running through everything in my head to check I've not forgotten something as I'm a real "just in case" person.

I don't just stand there gormlessly though I just start the process too late then run around last minute!

Faffing contributed substantially to my decision to leave my ex-husband, I just couldn't do it anymore. The thought of a lifetime of it made me feel so depressed.

Why do people always assume that any abusive or controlling behaviour or selfish behaviour is because there's something wrong with them besides the fact they are an arse.

Many people with these problems are well.aware of them and work extremely hard to not do what these husbands are doing.

I ditched a friend for this behaviour and I feel so much better for it.

She has children around the same ages as mine and asked if we could share lifts as her DD did swimming with my DS, and our older DDs went to Brownies together. Fine. Schedule arranged.

She was late dropping the girls to Brownies every single week because she "just had to" fill the car with fuel, pop into the shop, speak to her mum, whatever. Faffing jobs which could have waited. After about a month I called a halt to the whole thing, it was just so disorganised.

Mine does this. Not, thankfully, for time-critical events, but if we're going out for the day, he'll say 'I just need to do x and y - it'll take me about an hour', which is fine, no rush, but in my heart I know that x will take over an hour by itself, before he's even started on y, so I might as well resign myself to having some lunch at home, instead of eating out, except that he insists we'll be out by 11. We never ever are. And to put the tin lid on it, when he finally is ready to depart, I'm expected to spring immediately to the door, as if I've been in stasis for the last three hours and can now be released.

Hmm... it might sometimes be a deliberate passive aggressive sabotaging strategy, but for some people, I believe it's just a form of (mild) disability: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction
(just like some people struggle with spelling, or some people stutter, etc.)

My DH is always late. Everywhere. All the time. Including with work tasks (I know because we share a work-from-home office...)
It's embarrassing and infuriating at times. But he genuinely does not know how to function efficiently when time is concerned. I'm not sure he even perceives time properly: his estimates of how much time something has taken are just as bad as his estimates of how much time something will take.

On the plus side, he doesn't mind waiting.
And he's great at doing household finances. Weird. (as in, he can function perfectly well in other areas that involve "budgeting", he just seems to be lacking some mind of "internal hourglass")

@Whatwouldscullydo

Why do people always assume that any abusive or controlling behaviour or selfish behaviour is because there's something wrong with them besides the fact they are an arse.

Many people with these problems are well.aware of them and work extremely hard to not do what these husbands are doing.

I don't see anyone assuming that. You said yourself that many people are well aware - so that means some are not.

I wonder sometimes if I’m the faffer, but I’m never late and I like to be early.
My DH however is like the anti-faffer. If we go out for breakfast at the weekend he can go from fast asleep in bed to dressed and out of the door with the engine running in about three minutes with absolutely no notice apart from him waking up and saying ‘RIGHT’, which is the signal that he’s ready to start his day.
Meanwhile I’ve been up for ages, fed the dogs, put them out for a wee, then I’m racing round doing normal things like brushing my hair, putting a bra on, shutting the dogs away, locking up.
I’m not a faffer in airports or shops so I’m not as bad as some people’s husbands!

@JaffaCakeGal

I'm a faffer but I hope no-one thinks I do it as some kind of weird control thing or attention seeking

I'm just really poor at estimating how long it will take me to get ready. So I know I need to leave at 10:30 but then I forget that means I need to get downstairs around 10:15 to do my last bits to leave. I also have anxiety about leaving anywhere without having a last wee (even if I just went 10 minutes ago). Sometimes I stall as I am running through everything in my head to check I've not forgotten something as I'm a real "just in case" person.

I don't just stand there gormlessly though I just start the process too late then run around last minute!

Do you care how this impacts others you are travelling with?

Can you see that it’s disrespectful to bring your stress to others?

Do you take any accountability or responsibility for your issues?

Have you thought of using alarms on your phone?!

We have a word for this!

Badgerflapping (verb): to suddenly undertake a difficult or time-consuming task at an inopportune or inconvenient moment.

Named after the time my uncle suddenly decided to cut a ‘badger flap’ in the side gate so that the badger who lived in the back garden could get through to the front garden, just as my aunt and cousins had packed all the suitcases to go on holiday and were sitting ready and waiting in the car…

I have an ex that took 10 minutes to out his socks on. Toes first, faff faff faff. Then foot. Faff. Then up to ankles. The pick each toe out for further 5 mins.

Jesus how I didn't leave sooner I'll never know.

This is my MIL. We do on occasion have to leave without her.

The woman can easily take an hour to make a cup of tea and piece of toast and we made the mistake of once booking a holiday cottage with only one shower and inviting her...

Men and their control shits, I'd leave without them

I can image the future partner of my Ds (12) writing exactly this about his faffing. Ieaving the house is a nightmare. I tell him to be ready 15 minutes before the rest of the family.

@Wagsandclaws

My Dh is like this too, I've be her seen anyone empty a tumble dryer or washing machine so slowly.

I'm convinced it is so I don't ask for him to do it again ( as it is actually easier to do myself.

I reckon it’s this. DH is now given a time an hour before the actual one. It drives me mad, I think it’s rude and arrogant to say the least. I feel like kick him. The only time he’s going to be on time will be at his funeral 😡🤬

I haven't read all the replies but my DH is like this. I feel I have been late for everything in the last 20 years waiting for him. Just before Christmas my DD2 and I went on a little break, just the two of us and we were on time or a little early for everything. It was a revelation! It was so nice to not be stressed or sweating because we are running. My new year's resolution is to leave him to it and just deal with myself and kids. The other day we were booked into family ice skating. He was doing his usual faffing so I just left with the kids. He caught us up eventually but it was nice for me to not be rushing and we were all on time. He is very similar to DD1 who has ASD and now I am thinking it might be some neurological thing, he does show signs of ADHD in other things...

Oh my GOD, the "well, come on then" is entirely my DH! Thankfully my lovely teenage sons can now be relied upon to roll their eyes at him and point out that it was him, rather than anyone else holding things up 🥰

It’s just laughed off but it would drive me mad

This is what drove me mad about my ex-friend who I used to liftshare with. Every week when she was late it was "Ooooh ha ha what am I like!" "Ha ha the time ran away with me again!!" "Massive queue at the petrol station ha ha the Brown Owl was quite cross with me!"

While everyone else is standing there seething, thinking she's a fucking nightmare, that's what she's like.

Mine is like this and he has ADHD. But I also think he's just thoughtless at times.

He WON'T learn to clean his teeth at the same time he showers....he actually showers and then gets dressed, ready to go out of the door and EVERY FUCKING TIME he says "Oh...I forgot to brush my teeth"

Almost twenty years of me saying "why don't you do it in the shower?" and he wont or can't.

Bear in mind he doesn't eat breakfast....so could easily do them when he showers.

@Nidan2Sandan

*I cannot count the amount of times he’s said he’ll be at ours at say 8:00pm

He’s been known to show up at midnight!*

@Buytoomuchonebay I hear ya! My SIL is well known for this. One particularly memorable occasion was when she was due at ours at 2PM, she finally arrived at 9PM and was surprised to find all my young kids already in bed.

She was also due here a few weeks ago for lunch, we had the food ready but no SIL. DH called her and turned out she decided to "pop in" and visit another friend first and didnt realise she was late. She finally arrived 3 hours late and was annoyed at no food being left.

That's the only way she might begin to realise that actually not turning up at the time she was supposed to, has consequences.

I remember reading something similar on another forum. One family member held everyone else up by always being late for meals out, for example. So they just started going ahead without that person. The faffer was most put out when that started to happen. It was taking away their sense of importance at holding everyone else up until they deigned to arrive.

OP , get hold of the Roald Dahl short story, “The way up to heaven”! I think you will enjoy it.

So does he dither when he’s doing something for himself or for example you are going to see his family? I am willing to bet not. Solution is not to make yourself more responsible but less. So agree a time if he’s not ready then go without him. Doing something for him = mirror behaviour be late, detach from situation / make him do all the thinking.

I think different people do this for different reason.

Some are passive

Some are controlling

Some are very poor at time management

Some are wading through treacle-like anxiety which hampers their every thought and move

Sounds like ADHD and/or poor executive function. It presents differently in different people.

I can be a faffer or hyper focused in a crack on type of way.

The faffing is extremely annoying but if someone interrupts me and wants me to change focus my brain is literally ten minutes behind. I tend to deal with it by trying to be ahead and planning. It all falls apart when someone wants me to drop everything and suddenly do something else I wasn't expecting. It can literally send me into a meltdown where I can't think straight.

Don't be annoyed with him. It's just the way his brain is wired in the same way you have to drop everything and act impulsively which would be bloody annoying to me!

DH is occasionally like this.
Example- NYD we had a slot to see his elderly aunt who is in a nursing home.
I'm ready to leave .
Him - I'll just check the oil tank

• I'll let the dogs out for a wee ( I'd already done it )
• let's take the other car ( the one that's blocked in )

And finally......... I need another shower after checking the oil tank ( sad face) I admit I lost my shit at this point and told him that it was incredibly selfish to book the slot and not use it so I was going without him. He was then apologising/ rushing to get out of the door. In his case I think its because it wasnt how he saw the day going, we had never had to book a slot before so he , in his little mind, thought it could be flexible.