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Original poster

Slow Faffing DH

510 replies

LibbyVonTrap · 05/01/2022 09:56

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/01/2022 11:32

My entire family are like this and it drives me INSANE. It's made me go completely the other way and I cannot bear faffing. I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful to other people's time and efforts.

Do people who do it know they're doing it? Do they ever explain why they're like it, whether they understand how infuriating it is for others, and maybe fucking well do something about it?

mushroom3 · 05/01/2022 11:34

ADHD screening tool for adults
adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey/

NdujaWannaDance · 05/01/2022 11:37

He sounds exactly like my FIL! A lovely man but I always wanted to put a rocket up his arse. SOOO frustrating.

Juletide · 05/01/2022 11:37

Just to warn you all, it gets far, far worse when they get older.

Retirement means they can barely function at all.

NdujaWannaDance · 05/01/2022 11:38

Retirement means they can barely function at all

Grin
spiderlight · 05/01/2022 11:38

Mine is exactly like this. What drives me the most mad is that he will sit on his arse while I run around getting everything ready to go out and then start faffing. It's usually a last-minute poo and/or remembering that he has to take half a dozen muddy spades from the allotment out of the car. The other thing he does is to appear right in front of me and walk really slowly when I'm just trying to zoom to the end of the kitchen to grab something quickly - we have a long narrow house and his ability to be right underfoot while accomplishing nothing is rivalled only by that of our dog!

PositiveLife · 05/01/2022 11:38

God, yes. My dp is like this and it drives me insane because I'm a stressy organised person that needs to be early for everything.

It's just how he is and I'm sure it's far more healthy because he's never stressed. He's like it at work (luckily he's self-employed) and with his own stuff. He often makes plans to do something then ends up not doing it because he was faffing and the parking was busy when he got there so he came home, he's had fines for being late with hmrc payments, etc.

I actually demanded to stay at his house so I could get him organised and up in time to do an activity that a friend had offered to help with because I didn't want him to let my friend down.

Woodlandwater · 05/01/2022 11:39

My DH doesn't faff but he won't leave early for anything. I like to leave early to allow for wiggle room. I'd prefer to wait at the venue for 10 mins knowing I'm there rather than wait at home for 10 mins so we can then leave and arrive bang on time. 90% of the time he gets there on time, but of course 10% of the time we get stuck behind a bin lorry or DD forgets something and then we are late which irritates me so much!

Mulhollandmagoo · 05/01/2022 11:40

I am also married to a ditherer, and I am the opposite! it drives me insane and I pulled him up on it once, and he replied that he really tries not to do it but I get him a bit flustered sometimes and I felt horrible because I am a lot more assertive than him! Its just something we've tried to work on together and understand about each other. We both just take charge of situations that suit our personalities.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/01/2022 11:40

A lot of what OP describes isn't faffing, it's just leaving preparation for going somewhere until the point that you've already arrived.

In the airport and beach case, he could have checked his bags and documents on the way there but didn't, instead only 'realising' at the point he had already arrived, that he was 'about to arrive'.

Or he's somehow only doing half a job of preparing before setting off in the morning. Why did his bags or documents even need checking?

In those sorts of cases, it's something about people getting lost in the moment, in the present and finding it difficult to prepare and transition to the next activity. I have a friend with dyslexia who is bad at this, gets stuck in each moment, and I suspect it's connected.

The other thing is it's maybe to do with not feeling competent at preparatory tasks. Somehow not having learnt to do them properly and feeling panicky about them. Even deliberately leaving them half done, as he feels there's something reassuring about doing them with or in front of other people.

Then there's the standard underestimation of how long each thing takes, so never completing anything and always being on the back foot.

CheshireKitten123 · 05/01/2022 11:40

@barbrahunter

Sounds really annoying. My friend has a DH like this and she routinely lies to him about timings, always saying they need to be at places earlier than the real time. I don't think there's a 'cure' for this behaviour.
I agree with this ^

No cure sadly...

Rosegoldivy · 05/01/2022 11:41

Glad I'm not alone

I can get myself ready, a toddler ready, 8 month old twins ready, get twins go bag ready, clean kitchen, stick a washing on and STILL be waiting on DH to finish getting ready.

Fry's my tits.

I also lie about what time we need to leave. Always.

And then Hel ask "where's my jacket/jumper" etc. Where you fuckin left it.

Sundancerintherain · 05/01/2022 11:41

@Juletide mine only started doing it after he retired Shock

Thievesoil · 05/01/2022 11:41

This raises my blood pressure

My friends DH is like this and wonders if he has ADHD.

The ability to plan ahead - must do loo now as leaving soon/get stuff ready.

BlingLoving · 05/01/2022 11:41

Your DH sounds like mine. He is not naturally organised and he cannot do things on the fly. He just can't. DS has been diagnosed as having poor executive function (planning etc) and there is no doubt in my mind that it is genetic and he gets it from DH.

So the airline thing is something that absolutely happens with us. We have sorted this by both compromising:

  1. I have accepted that we are NEVER going to be in the front of the queue. Being rushed, even if it's just in his head, is a huge stressor for DH and he can't cope.
  1. DH makes more effort to think ahead. So I will find it annoying that he starts packing everyone's hang luggage 30 minutes before we are even landing, but I let it go because I see that is what he needs to do to be prepared to get off the plane and moving.

The benefit of the 2 combined is that actually, we're no longer at the back of the queue either.

I think some faffing/lateness is rudeness and lack of consideration. And some is genuine inability to manage thing. Certainly, DH has never been able to function in any kind of office environment which requires administration. He freelances in two ways and another thing I've had to accept is that for a job that is two hours, he will need about an hour prep time.

For Christmas, I got him a sort of organiser thing for his cords and electronics (that he needs for work). He keeps coming to tell me that it has been LIFE CHANGING for him. I have cords etc for work too, but I am fine with them stuffed in the bag, can find the one I want and plug it in. He would be unable to do that until he'd got all the cords out, re-rolled them, sorted them etc. Now he doesn't have to do that.

thisplaceisweird · 05/01/2022 11:43

One of the reasons I married DH is because he is very efficient like me! Always thought it was an odd reason now realising the importance!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/01/2022 11:44

It strikes me from this thread how many of these faffers and ditherers are men. Are they socialised to be this useless or to expect the world to revolve around them, or is it a conscious decision to be so ineffectual that someone - a woman - will come along and sort everything out for them?

Bichette · 05/01/2022 11:44

This is a timely thread.
I am sat here coat and shoes on ready to go out.
DH announced this morning "we should leave at 11.30"
He's been in the bathroom for the last 20 mins and I can still hear the shower running 😡

BlingLoving · 05/01/2022 11:45

The other thing is it's maybe to do with not feeling competent at preparatory tasks. Somehow not having learnt to do them properly and feeling panicky about them. Even deliberately leaving them half done, as he feels there's something reassuring about doing them with or in front of other people.

DH definitely has this. He was a SAHD for a while when DS was a baby. At first, it was a nightmare - they never went anywhere, missed activities etc because he would get so stressed out. Eventually, he sat down and wrote this list of things he needed to pack in DS' bag, timed himself doing it etc so that he could then organise accordingly.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/01/2022 11:45

They're men because this thread is mostly heterosexual women talking.

OnaBegonia · 05/01/2022 11:46

@JaffaCakeGal
Using the excuse of I'm poor at judging time, is that,an excuse.
You're an adult you know how long tasks take, set an alarm, look at your watch/clock.
As an adult and being aware of what you're doing means you're able to change.

codexa · 05/01/2022 11:46

Sounds to me like many faffers do not WANT to go to certain things and thus delay in order to shorten the pain.

Goawayangryman · 05/01/2022 11:46

My ex was like this. It drove me to absolute distraction and I am so pleased to be free of it now. With him it was poor time management and also a complete disregard for the consequences of his faffing/ lateness, on others. It would never have occurred to him to worry about keeping others waiting or disrupting their plans. He would also sit there saying "stop pestering, I'm ready!" When the kids were little and sitting there with no socks and shoes on, no nappies/snacks packed. God, I'm so grateful to not have to deal with that anymore!

NeedsCharging · 05/01/2022 11:46

Bichette I would just leave without him!

While I am enjoying this thread it is also making my blood pressure rise...its like I should walk away but I can't Grin

turbonerd · 05/01/2022 11:46

My ex used to faff. For everything. Definitely a control mechanism.

After separation he took the kids on holidays, faffed, and missed their flight back. They never went on hols with him again with flights involved. In fact only one of them bothers to see him at all.

It was expensive, infuriating, dangerous (think coffeemaker «accidently» left on whilst on holiday in France) and disrespectful.

I still always need a wee just before going out, but DH knows this and we are still never late!

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