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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

254 replies

Feeldoublemyage · 05/01/2022 09:45

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeldoublemyage · 05/01/2022 09:46

*My friends

OP posts:
Pinkchicken85 · 05/01/2022 09:54

She’s probably forgotten all the new baby stuff, and to be honest would you really want outdated advise? I wouldn’t expect money of my mum, that’s just a bit weird.
But she should be replying to your messages a bit more that’s a bit rough. Since having kids I speak to mum almost every other day (I live in a different country to her) plus my mum has always been quite generous with gifts, my 2DC get lavished.

SueSaid · 05/01/2022 09:56

This is sad for read, no it isn't an age thing. She just sounds distract, is she maybe busy with work or other issues? Some people are just so wrapped up in themselves sadly.

If my dd texted me stuff like you have I would be in touch daily to check on her, as my mum would with me. Doesn't help I know, but just to point out it isn't ok for her to be so distant about things. Is she ok, have you asked her?

Hope you have support from other people Flowers

SueSaid · 05/01/2022 09:56

To*

Bubblesgun · 05/01/2022 09:58

As hard as it may sounds, and I am not trying to have a dig at you, have you tried seeing it the other way around?

How is your mum feeling? You are now a mother and so on the other side. Of coureenit is nice to have support from our mums but equally she may loves support from you. Maybe she is going through some stuffs, maybe she would like you to grow up in a way that it is not all about you anymore? Maybe she would like your relationship to be in a mpte equal footing?

You dont say how old you are and if your DD is the first grand child or not, but presumably you had a child because you could afford it.
Therefore, your mother gifts should be just that gifts if she wants to. Maybe you could gift to her as well.

I live abroad too and I had a difficult relationship with my mum for a long time for a lot of reasons. But one of them was to keep seeing things with my perspective.
Now on anti depressants for 6 weeks, finally I made the jump, things have finally cleared up. Whilst I need to move on from the things she did to me, I am now ready for an adult relationship with her and seeing things with her perspective ie.

  • she is no longer the main chief operating officer as she is a grandmother to 11 kids;
  • i will know better because medicine, advices and parenting have evolved;
  • i live abroad by choice so see her less;
  • i am a strong independant woman so dont need her everyday advice;
  • she has just sold her company and has retired so needs to re invent herself for the next 10,20,30 years;
  • she hasnt been able to travel and visit us for 2 years now;
  • my dad is VERY independant so she is quite alone. Not lonely but alone;
  • she cant see her grandkids as much as she likes;
  • etc and so much more.
  • she is getting older, a bit more foregetful and tired

I now believe it is HER turn to be supported and looked after.

Maybe have a little think.

Please remember I mean it in respect and kindly. I went through the same journey as you.

Good luck

PS: Of course that is if there is no back story of neglect, etc

MerryMarigold · 05/01/2022 09:59

Lots of potential reasons. Maybe she is depressed. Or maybe she just sees her role and relationship with you as a bit different now. You seem to expect her to still be a 'mum' to you when really this season is usually fairly 'equal' and then soon it's your turn to look after her! My mum does offer me support but I also offer her support, it's very different to the rest you would be with your own DD. If she was loving and supportive when you were a child that's what's important.

WhiteXmas21 · 05/01/2022 09:59

How old is she?

My MIL is in her nineties and yes, she cares little for anything or anyone other than herself , but I do think that’s partly ( but only partly) down to the social isolation that has been the last 2 years.

Does she have a local support network ? It could be that she’s got very used to not having you around or she could be a little depressed.

Could you do some FaceTime calls, you and your baby to help get reconnected ?

Rainydonkey · 05/01/2022 10:00

Is she maybe expecting a more adult, equal relationship now? How is she? Does she have difficult things going on in her life that she maybe needs your support with?

KirstenBlest · 05/01/2022 10:00

Do you ask your mother how she is? There is a limit to how much help your mother can give you with your baby if you aren't even in the same country.

Original poster
Feeldoublemyage · 05/01/2022 10:01

@Pinkchicken85 I definitely don’t expect money, I’m not fussed about it. I think it’s the fact it was always just done before, a certain amount as special birthday money.
She never was massively hands on, she looks uncomfortable with the effort I put into Dds birthday etc (she’s still little and I’m
just a cheeseball like that, I get she’s different) but some effort or sympathy when I’m struggling/ill would be nice. She’s fine replying if I’m texting about something nice or lighthearted though

OP posts:
Bouncer500 · 05/01/2022 10:02

I don't think it is an age thing. I think it is her thing. I would stop allowing her to affect how you feel and would distance myself from her.

Emerald5hamrock · 05/01/2022 10:02

Yes.
It is natural the relationship changes and become an adult to adult one.
It was a rebirth in my situation, we drifted from 18 to 26 then became really close again when I moved back to the area.

when she had DGM

Theballoonsinthesky · 05/01/2022 10:03

I would feel a bit hurt and unloved in your situation too but I do think it's probably different when your kids are grown up to how you feel about them as children. Can I ask, do you ever ask how she is or would you say it's a bit one-sided?

BootsScootsAndToots · 05/01/2022 10:03

Crikeys, I'm 44 and my mum still mothers me 🧐

She will ask how I am, tell me when I look tired, listen to me moan about my job dc sometimes and I listen to her.

What's this magical age your mum is supposed to stop caring?

Emerald5hamrock · 05/01/2022 10:04

Posted to soon.
When she had DGC they came first. Smile

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 05/01/2022 10:08

I do thing our way of caring changes.
I'm not sure if the PPs have adult children, but it does definitely change. Of course we do t have to show that, but the love you give out to an adult child is very different in my experience. I have both adult and young children and I can see that.

I think it's a natural progression.
I am always there for my kids and I love all of them equally but as adults my role in their life is a different one. I will only 'mother' them when they really need it. Then they will ask for it.

It is the same for all the women I know with adult children. We've spoken about it a lot. I think the women we've spoken to who do t get it are those who aren't there yet.

Emerald5hamrock · 05/01/2022 10:10

Your situation is different, it doesn't seem like she was very nurturing anyway, not helping with you or her DGD when she was born, blatantly ignoring you if you're ill.
It's like grieving when you don't get the DM you deserve one who puts you first.
I think you should try ignoring her if the self absortion is hurting you, she won't change.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2022 10:10

How old is she? I can't cope with stress like I used to and when I was going through the worst bit of the menopause I had to keep everything positive. I'd find not being able to help my DD because of distance, difficult. Does she have the same income, is there things that she wants and has decided to prioritise herself?

Kickers567 · 05/01/2022 10:12

Hmm, my mum seems like this at the moment. But I needed her support because I lost my dad this year and the first Xmas with out him was so hard. My mum went on holiday (uk). I text her on 31st saying I'm bearly holding it together, and she text me on the 1st to say happy new year and hope its better this year. Nothing since.

Fwiw, my mum and dad separated 25 years ago when I was 4 and she is happily remarried so she isn't dealing with having lost a partner.

Ponoka7 · 05/01/2022 10:13

"It's like grieving when you don't get the DM you deserve one who puts you first."

Should we put our adult children first? Exactly when do we get to come first? Why do father's not get the same pressure?

rookiemere · 05/01/2022 10:15

What age is she ?

My DM changed about 8 years ago - she was about 75 years old. She went from being very interested in DSs welfare and wanting to know about that to seemingly having little interest and mostly talking about her own ailments and neighbours.

I found it hurtful at first - still do
Sometimes- but I don't think it was her choice to change it was like switch flicked in her head and I believe it happens to many people.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 05/01/2022 10:19

As the mother in a similar situation I find that if I offer any advice or innocuous comment I get my head bitten off if it doesn't suit Madam so I am probably silently being accused of 'not caring' as I keep myself distant. You can't have it both ways, we're not mind readers.

Lostinafield · 05/01/2022 10:19

Have you checked how she is feeling?

trumpisagit · 05/01/2022 10:22

If you live a long way from her (by choice?) then she probably feels she can't really support you in the way she would like.
You need to reassess your relationship. She doesn't sound like a bad parent, and you don't know how long you will have her for. If she prefers to keep it light over a long distance that isn't unreasonable.
I might find it hard to emotionally support someone who I don't see very often.

LizzieSiddal · 05/01/2022 10:30

I’m 56 and became a grandmother a year ago and my relationship to my adult Dds has definitely changed.
To be perfectly honest although I love them both to bits, I really feel it’s time to put myself first. I was a SAHM and always put them first previously. I feel it’s my time now. (Although I look after grand daughter one day a week)
I have personal issues to deal with which I’d never burden my Dds with and I kind of want them to be the same with me. They both have loving partners, great jobs and lots and lots of friends, we see each other often, but whilst I care how they are, I’ve done enough worrying/sorting things over the years!