Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

I’m really interested in this transition from parent-child to adult-adult relationships between children and parents.

Because surely adult-adult is never going to be fully reciprocal? Surely there’s always an element on parent-child?

Yes definitely there is @Gaxillion - but it's about the proportion of time you spend being a parent to your child. As you get older, you expect the relationship you have with your children to be mostly adult-adult, surely?

Naturally if something goes wrong - an illness, perhaps - then it will (or should) shift back to parent:child, but most of the time - especially when your children are of an adult age and live away from the parental home - it will/should be adult:adult.

I know you say that SHE texts YOU, but her generation are still not completely used to that way of communicating. Older eyes and fingers get more tired typing on a screen. Try to speak, not text. To be honest I'd advise this even if you were talking about a relationship with someone your own age. I know you live in different countries and time zones may be an issue but not an insurmountable one. I lived in Asia for years with my Mum in the UK. She's dead now, I wish we had talked more.

I’d find that really hard, OP. I can understand how you feel.

Maybe she is just slowing down and getting more tired of all the mental load of caring for a home and Christmas, presents, birthdays and so on. My mum is very hands on with childcare and a similar age, and has just given up on thoughtful presents etc, and just gives money.

Also does she have other children and grandchildren she sees more often and has a real relationship with? Living abroad may feel like desertion by her and she may feel the need to emotionally distance herself from you and your family to help with her feelings of loss because of your move? Seeing family via screens will never make up for real interaction. Maybe she is just protecting her mental health?

I know some mums are uncaring or downright neglectful (I’m not talking about these) but isn’t there sometimes too many expectations placed on even the good ones?

I have found that in recent years my mum has become much more self-centred and focused on her own health etc. I think it can be a part of ageing, and she seems to almost expect me to take the caring role. She used to be really interested in my life, but now, she'll sometimes call, tel me latest ailments, tell me all the neighbour's news and say goodbye, without asking what's going on with me and the children. In retrospect, I think it coincided with her starting to get a few minor ailments, but not having much distraction from them.

As others have said, I found it hard initially, and still do at those times when I just want to chat to my mum.

But you don't necessarily know
a) what troubles they have
b) what things they find stressful

It's not a competition. Again, it varies but I find I can cope with less at 45 than at 25 so I can't think I'll cope with much if I get another twenty years older.

I'm not a parent but the point made by a pp, about her mum feeling she was "just a mum" really struck me. If you feel that way, and of course not all parents do, there might come a time when you just want to feel like a separate entity again.

My mum went through that phase in her 60s I think. But being in the same country makes a big difference....I saw her trying new stuff and was pleased for her. You are doing the communication without face to face.

From about my mid twenties, I actively wanted to support my mum, not for her to spend her time worrying about me. I was a grown adult, after all.

Sadly, my mum died quite suddenly when I was 30 so I don’t feel I got the chance to properly care for her as I’d have liked to. (Dad died when I was a teen.)

I have adult children and young grandchildren and leave them to get on with their lives, by and large. If I lived nearer, I’d probably offer to be more hands on with the grandchildren, but I’ve brought them up to be capable individuals so I’m a bit flummoxed by the idea that some of you would expect me to continue being their devoted mum forever, and to forget about living my own life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was going to say exactly what @80sMum already did:

This seems to me that your mum feels unable to take on board other people's problems, including yours. Maybe she's feeling very low herself, or has a lot of her own troubles or health issues of her own.

She's happy to chat to you, but she's signalling to you that she can't cope with any difficulties you may be going through and can't support you through them.

I think if you're able to accept that, then your relationship with your mum would improve. Tell her all the good things, focus on all the positive things in your life, as she clearly doesn't want to be burdened by your problems (she probably has enough of her own).

I feel a bit like this just now after taking a hammering from my own mother during a call. The mental guilt for never doing enough is real. I therefore don’t often bother telling her when I feel stressed/tired and therefore she thinks I’m always fine

It’s very hurtful as she spends a lot of time telling me how hard the lives of my siblings are whilst expecting a great deal from me

Anyway OP I don’t think it’s normal but it is certainly common

Yes I agree @BIWI but I guess it’s a very complex dynamic. I don’t think even adult-adult between parents and children can be a total level playing field…

@Feeldoublemyage

I wasn’t really asking for advice when I said I was ill, it just would be nice to have *Some feedback, some questions, even as to what have doctors said, is there anything I could take…just..anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc. They love to talk and talk about those things to us, whilst we sit and listen with much more stressful problems if our own

With all due respect she might feel this way about you having your baby. I think if you expect consideration you should definitely give it.

Roles change. Your mum isn't interested in parenting you any more. It becomes more about you taking a caring and supportive role in her life.

@Gaxillion

I’m really interested in this transition from parent-child to adult-adult relationships between children and parents.

Because surely adult-adult is never going to be fully reciprocal? Surely there’s always an element on parent-child?

I think that, as some point, it flips, unless your parent dies quite young and never needs any support from adult children.

I had to support my mother more than she supported me from when I was 15ish. It has been hard and I really missed having the emotional support that my friends had from their mothers. So I get where the OP is coming from but, at some point, I think you have got to accept that, as a daughter (or son), your role is now to support, not to be supported.

I think when your children opt to live a distance away you have to distance yourself emotionally and come to terms with not seeing your grandchildren

That, plus of course come to terms with not seeing your DD/DS

I don't think those who move abroad quite understand the effect it has on the parents. It's almost impossible to have the same sort of relationship at a distance, and whether it's conscious or subconscious, it makes sense for the parents to detach to a degree, in order to feel less sad.

We didn't move abroad, but we did move somewhere which made it difficult for my much loved PILs to visit. They didn't complain at all, or make us feel guilty. But I do remember my FIL once saying quite wistfully "I wish I could just pop in to see you for a cup of tea"
It wasn't until my own kids were adults, that I understood and realised just how hard they must have found it.

Also, with the long covid, does she realise you want her to take an interest?

I think there's a long covid thread on here and I hope you feel 100% asap

I think some of you are ignoring the fact from older posters on here that it can be a deliberate choice - literally sometimes you cannot be arsed to be the 999 call, the firefighter . The fact that you can have also instant communication sometimes means that things which are " important " in that minute are not really so - they are a gripe which has been forgotten by the next day . Many mothers have spent years responding to this kind of thing and trying to help and you reach a point where you think " that are adults now ". Helicopter parents ? I think it is more helicopter children .

@RoyalFamilyFan You seem to have a good insight into what is going on for Grandparents currently.
I am a Grandmother who retreated. I used to babysit for various parents and children (in the family). I was even out in the middle of the night due to demands at midnight to 3 am. I also "lent" money on demand. I use the term "lent" very loosely as a loan usually incurs repayment which the loans I made did not. I also acted as cleaner/ housekeeper during the babysitting. Responded to all emergencies. I was also the butt of many a "joke" which could be viewed as gaslighting.
One day for a very specific reason I decided no more babysitting, money lending or domestic services. Since then I have had various criticisms but never any pleasant contact. I keep out the way and do not make any attempt to contact anyone.
It seems to me from MN and in real life that persons who are granparenting age are only barely acceptable it they are providing services and cash. I am so much more than a service provider. I would have appreciated a few kind words when I had a run of deaths and health problems but that was more than I could be provided with.

It’s not my experience, I’m 43 and my mum is 72, she is still very attentive. I think more so since I had DD to be honest.

@Pinkchicken85

She’s probably forgotten all the new baby stuff, and to be honest would you really want outdated advise? I wouldn’t expect money of my mum, that’s just a bit weird. But she should be replying to your messages a bit more that’s a bit rough. Since having kids I speak to mum almost every other day (I live in a different country to her) plus my mum has always been quite generous with gifts, my 2DC get lavished.

OP wasn't looking for advice from her DM per se, she was hoping for emotional support. Ever heard of that??

No advice on the mum front, but I think in general some people really struggle with the concept of chronic illnesses, they don’t understand that people don’t always get better. As someone with multiple chronic conditions and disabilities it takes a special kind of person to understand that it is just about being there for support without expecting the person to get better. I’ve lost some friends in the past because they didn’t understand chronic conditions.

You made the choice to live in another country from your parent(s), thus you have to own any resultant dwindling of emotional connection; for very obvious reasons, a distance relationship wont be anything remotely akin to an in person relationship! Perhaps she feels resentful in the knowledge that, as she grows older, there will be zero opportunity for any practical help from you. I say this as someone who is incredibly close to my elderly Dad. I see him regularly, and my proximity and practical help (which actually isnt a great deal) has allowed him to stay in his own home. Im not saying that anyone should feel obliged to their parents, absolutely not, and my Dad would never have (nor has) expected anything of me. However neither can you complain if your own choices impact that relationship.

Several posters have mentioned that their mum just gives meaningless platitudes when they have a problem.
I’m in my 60’s and one of the things I regret in my life is all of the time I have spent worrying about different ‘problems’, whether that be children, jobs, relationships.
When I look back most things worked out ok and the ones that didn’t (eg miscarriage) I have managed to cope with.
So when it comes down to it generally most people do cope.

If I had a sister I'd assume you were her. My mum is basically the same. A bit worse but it's not a competition.