Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

I have (very active) friends in their 80s whose DD (53) has had long covid for over 18 months. They are extremely concerned about her and want to do whatever they can to help. Whenever I see them they mention her and how worried they are. They've done lots of research into the condition and suggested specialists for DD to see. I think that's much more normal parental behaviour than the OP's mother. I think a lot of posters are giving OP a hard time and it sounds like her life is tough enough without a seemingly uncaring mother thrown into the mix. So sorry you're having such a hrd time, OP

As I said I'm sympathetic to both sides but I'm puzzled by the posts saying that people can't be expected to maintain interest or concern for chronic health conditions and that people can't expect any sympathy for anything that 'comes with the territory' of their life stage (like being tired if you have young children). If this is true surely the same applies to the challenges and physical hardships of growing older, but the OP is also being told she should be more understanding of these?

@HardbackWriter

As I said I'm sympathetic to both sides but I'm puzzled by the posts saying that people can't be expected to maintain interest or concern for chronic health conditions and that people can't expect any sympathy for anything that 'comes with the territory' of their life stage (like being tired if you have young children). If this is true surely the same applies to the challenges and physical hardships of growing older, but the OP is also being told she should be more understanding of these?

@HardbackWriter I think the difference is we have all been through stages like lack of sleep with children, but eventually your children will sleep through (even if it takes until their teen years!). However the problems of old age are generally only solved in one way and that’s by death. It’s a pretty scary proposition facing our own mortality isn’t it, even though we know it comes to us all.

interesting article about long Covid in the Guardian this morning btw. www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jan/05/long-covid-research-microclots

I think the difference is we have all been through stages like lack of sleep with children, but eventually your children will sleep through (even if it takes until their teen years!).

I think that's actually quite a breath-takingly self-centred view: 'I've already done it and I know I don't have to again so I don't feel any sympathy for anyone going through it now'. I had university lecturer colleagues who were a bit like that with the undergrads - 'I've already done the thing you're doing so I think it's easy and refuse to see how it could be challenging for you' - and I always thought they were complete twats. If you think a problem is real when it's yours but trivial when it's someone else's then the real problem is you.

@BlondeDogLady

With my 30th coming up she has asked if I'd like to go out to eat on the day, and it was very much up to me to say yes or no, she didn't seem eager or positive about wanting to spend time together

Tbh, I don't think some Mum's to adult children can win!! I always ask my son what he wants to do about his birthday, what day would suit him to see me and his stepdad (if any), because he has a Partner, another parent and so many friends, and I don't feel that it's my place to say that I am taking priority on his birthday. If I were to express huge excitement about us and him going out on his birthday, it piles on huge pressure for him to see me on the day, when for him it might be more suitable for him to see me the week before or after. I also have an adult daughter, but she is in another Country.

For context, I am single and live on my own. My birthday is on a weekday. I have few local friends. I had already indicated I would be hoping to do something (meal and drinks) with friends from further afield the following weekend.

Just compared to say my teen years through to my 21st, just no enthusiasm. I get that my 20s are unimportant birthdays. But 30th feels quite big? I have memories of my mum turning 30 and the family having a party and her going on a big night out with all her friends. She knows I'm not doing similar

@HardbackWriter I disagree. I sympathise with people going through temporary problems. But as I get older and I do wish my problems were simply the type I had when young. To deal with stress I used to ask myself will I still be worried about this in 5 years time? And invariably the answer was no. Now the answer is it will be worse. And that is scary.
It doesn't mean I cant sympathise with others. But some of the small things I hear people getting worked up about are so minor.

@LampLighter414 yes maybe your mum is being unfair. But just say yes and go out somewhere with her. I hope you have a nice birthday.

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@HardbackWriter I disagree. I sympathise with people going through temporary problems. But as I get older and I do wish my problems were simply the type I had when young. To deal with stress I used to ask myself will I still be worried about this in 5 years time? And invariably the answer was no. Now the answer is it will be worse. And that is scary.
It doesn't mean I cant sympathise with others. But some of the small things I hear people getting worked up about are so minor.[/quote]
You are right but the young don't get it .

@RoyalFamilyFan out of interest, did you think that getting old was the only real problem in life worthy of consideration before you yourself were older?

@HardbackWriter I am not that old, my late fifties. And getting older personally is not my individual issue for the next five years. This is seeing older family and friends and understanding the impact.
Of course, young people have some individual issues that are horrific. Children die, people are murdered, families get evicted and have to live in one room bed and breakfasts. But if a problem wont be an issue in five years time, or you will struggle to even remember it, then it is an everyday challenge rather than a serious issue.

@IamGusFring when I was diagnosed with M.E I was unable to walk up my stairs. Unable to make myself food. Couldn’t wash myself many days. Yet my disease was only ‘moderate’. I was doing far less than my 90 year old Nan at the time. It is pure luck that I got better. There was no hope from any angle. No treatment. Many people didn’t even believe me. Growing old isn’t easy, neither is feeling old when you’re young. Both instances deserve sympathy and care. Long covid is not just a ‘temporary problem’. My point is that this isn’t a young people problem. It’s just a problem. One that surely deserves some sympathy from your own mother.

Chronic health problems are not just an old person problem although they are more common as you get older.
But I know some people think long covid does not exist. Alongside those who think covid does not exist.

I have health issues. I have noticed that my dd doesn’t respond well to any discussion about it much like the ops mum.

I don’t believe for one second that she doesn’t care about me. I think she feels scared and upset and can’t do anything so naturally avoids it.

@MarbleQueen

I have health issues. I have noticed that my dd doesn’t respond well to any discussion about it much like the ops mum.

I don’t believe for one second that she doesn’t care about me. I think she feels scared and upset and can’t do anything so naturally avoids it.

This

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@HardbackWriter I disagree. I sympathise with people going through temporary problems. But as I get older and I do wish my problems were simply the type I had when young. To deal with stress I used to ask myself will I still be worried about this in 5 years time? And invariably the answer was no. Now the answer is it will be worse. And that is scary.
It doesn't mean I cant sympathise with others. But some of the small things I hear people getting worked up about are so minor.[/quote]
You do realise that people much younger than you have chronic health issue that will NOT get better, do you?

That those issues will reduce their abilities to next to nothing. Yes ME etc.. but not just that. I’ve seen people with bowel issues in a similar state. MS, etc etc…

It so happens that you are realising that getting older means more health issues and be more restricted with your life. And you don’t get better. Well… welcome to the world of many chronically ill people.

My DCs are a bit younger, but they've left home and I'm in the process of adjusting the relationships to save my sanity. There are some issues that I'm struggling with.

Firstly, DS only contacts me when things are going badly. I get a panic stricken text, then he's angry because I'm phoning to check up on him while he's busy (and completely fine) an hour later.

DD swings from high to low within days. If you follow up on a problem she mentioned in an earlier call she denies that there was ever an issue.

As a mother, I'm emotionally invested in their wellbeing, so I put myself through hell when they're unhappy. But you never get the upside or the relief of knowing when things are fine.

Another problem is that they expect me to be able to solve problems that are unsolvable, either emotionally or practically. I can only say 'that sucks' or give advice that is scornfully rejected.

The final problem is that, as previous posters have mentioned, they have absolutely no consideration for any problems that I might be facing. The only solution for me is to try to emotionally disconnect, just a bit, and to look after my own emotional wellbeing. Sounds selfish, but I'm done in.

Firstly, DS only contacts me when things are going badly. I get a panic stricken text, then he's angry because I'm phoning to check up on him while he's busy (and completely fine) an hour later

I’m familiar with this. And it’s really not fair to do that.

@Walking4You I actually have a life-limiting illness that was diagnosed in my early twenties. Ill health gets harder as you get older.

@HardbackWriter

I think the difference is we have all been through stages like lack of sleep with children, but eventually your children will sleep through (even if it takes until their teen years!).

I think that's actually quite a breath-takingly self-centred view: 'I've already done it and I know I don't have to again so I don't feel any sympathy for anyone going through it now'. I had university lecturer colleagues who were a bit like that with the undergrads - 'I've already done the thing you're doing so I think it's easy and refuse to see how it could be challenging for you' - and I always thought they were complete twats. If you think a problem is real when it's yours but trivial when it's someone else's then the real problem is you.

How old are you though? Once people are old enough to be grappling with permanent ill-health and frailty, plus the imminent death of friends and spouse, most of the worries of younger life are bound to feel small in comparison.

@CouldIhaveaword

My DCs are a bit younger, but they've left home and I'm in the process of adjusting the relationships to save my sanity. There are some issues that I'm struggling with.

Firstly, DS only contacts me when things are going badly. I get a panic stricken text, then he's angry because I'm phoning to check up on him while he's busy (and completely fine) an hour later.

DD swings from high to low within days. If you follow up on a problem she mentioned in an earlier call she denies that there was ever an issue.

As a mother, I'm emotionally invested in their wellbeing, so I put myself through hell when they're unhappy. But you never get the upside or the relief of knowing when things are fine.

Another problem is that they expect me to be able to solve problems that are unsolvable, either emotionally or practically. I can only say 'that sucks' or give advice that is scornfully rejected.

The final problem is that, as previous posters have mentioned, they have absolutely no consideration for any problems that I might be facing. The only solution for me is to try to emotionally disconnect, just a bit, and to look after my own emotional wellbeing. Sounds selfish, but I'm done in.

Oh this! In spades! I’m first stop when they experience problems and although they don’t mean for it to happen (I think!), I used to lie awake worrying while for them it’s all blown over and resolved. After a few years of this, I’ve got to admit I take some of these crises with a pinch of salt. My nerves would not take it otherwise. I have health issues, aging parents etc etc to fill my head with as well as my kids problems.

@MarbleQueen

Firstly, DS only contacts me when things are going badly. I get a panic stricken text, then he's angry because I'm phoning to check up on him while he's busy (and completely fine) an hour later

I’m familiar with this. And it’s really not fair to do that.

I can't stand this type of behaviour -family members aren't just there to support you in bad times, they need some attention the rest of the time too!

I think some adult children aren't aware that their parents are human beings who have wants and needs, e.g., for affection and attention, just like them.

I wouldn't say my mum CARES less... But I personally feel like she has mentally handed over the role of "family organiser" to me now... I don't have a problem with that per-se, but she doesn't have the same expectations of my older sister.
My older sister has high functioning autism - but isn't officially diagnosed. She has her own home, a job, a partner, but mum always jumps over her and goes straight to me for everything.
When mum and sister squabble over something, I always feel like it's on me to smooth the waters again.

I don't mind helping mum out, but I DO mind sister not pulling her weight.

Once people are old enough to be grappling with permanent ill-health and frailty, plus the imminent death of friends and spouse, most of the worries of younger life are bound to feel small in comparison.

Been said before but young people also experience permanent ill health too. And some will also have faced the death of their spouse.
But you would never hear people saying that we should be supporting and kind to middle age people with chronic health problems.
What you hear instead (esp on MN) is that living with someone who has a chronic illness is hard work and they (the one who have a chronic illness) need to make some effort for their partner etc….
Same with a young widow. You don’t hear that they have to grapple with a hard situation, their own mortality in the top of the one of their partner. The worry about maybe leaving young children too early so they’ll end up orphans etc… Nope we expect to get in with things and get over it quickly - again the threads on here….

There comes a time when the relationship shifts and the adult child is expected to look after themselves and their DC and possibly offer a caring role to the aging parents. I can't imagine expecting an advent calender or birthday money from my parents. Maybe some support/advice on a particular subject they are knowledgeable on in the same way that I would ask a friend. Its not that your mum doesn't care - she was probably a lot younger than you when she had to step up and stop relying on her mum.