Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

t is hard setting boundaries for everyone' benefit and not unusual to get it wrong, have a look at some posts on here about mother/MIL interfering and being too involved. You can't win really.

Yep. To be absolutely honest, I've lost a lot of confidence in my mothering of my adult DDs since I joined Mumsnet. Everything I do/don't do seems to be wrong for a proportion of people here.

I actually get you. Don't listen to everyone saying you choose to live abroad etc. Its nice to be remembered by your parent. As you get older, its you family and few friends you that help you celebrate the achievements in you life. I have so many friends who calls their mother as their best friend. Would have their mother with them in labor. Talk numerous times of the day. Bring them out for lunch on their birthday special xmas drinks etc . This is not something my mother does. She came for dinner on new years day to me, brought me processco ( i cant stand processco) to me that is something a mother wouldn't do if she would make an effort. that is a long list of things that she does that shows me she doesn't know nor cares to know. And its not about money , i don't care if my mother doesn't give me anything, i just want her to acknowledge , bring me out for a cup of tea or just come to my house for cake . You want someone who is a mother figure to you. Unfortunately i think you will have to let go now i think and learn she is not what you are expect. Something i have had to do also. You cant change her but you can change how she affects you .

I have found this with my own DM, but she has always been terrible with dealing with feelings and MH issues. She’s very much you have to get on with things (and she had a tough life in her early years). So if I rang saying I was struggling she tends to just be, “oh dear”. Baby issues, “well in my day it was all different so you are better asking a friend”. I wonder sometimes if there’s an element of coping mechanism.

The dilemma that mothers of adults face is that they are told in no uncertain terms to butt out of their childrens lives. Advice is out of date, love is suffocating, concern is infantilising, support can undermine the primary relationships they have with their partners and children. And don’t get me started on the sibling rivalries that can continue until death. Everything has to be scrupulously weighted and fair, even though everyone’s circumstances can be very different. But if we aren’t prioritising all our children, and their partners and children, we are cold unnatural neglectful. . I think learning to say “ that’s nice, dear” is a sensible alternative , frankly.

For me, it was prob when I was about 6 or 7yo. When I got pregnant with D.C.1, there was a sudden upsurge in interest. I think she only actually likes the under 5s

After my father died last year, my mother more or less became my dependent for a year (now she is my sister's dependent).

I think I grieved having a "mother figure" alongside grieving my father. It has been over a year, and I don't think we'll be able to reverse this relationship again.

Mine was when I was 11 once I started secondary school there was no interest whatsoever I thought this was normal until I was around 14 when I realised my friends parents were not like this, when you friends mum can take an j retest in you and say something nice but yours can’t x

It might be that she finds the distance hard, so it's easier for her not to be as much in contact. Everyone is different, I'm not as hands on with my girls as they are adults

@ShippingNews

I don't think it's to do with age. I'm 63, DD is 36 and we're very close despite some distance. Just today we were talking and she said how stressed she was about the house being a mess because of work and kids . I got onto a cleaning service near her home, and organised a cleaner to go and help her to get the house tidied up. To me that's what mothers do. I always used to say to my kids, love isn't a word you say, it's something that you do. Getting a cleaning lady was love in action .

Maybe your mum isn't feeling the love from you, op ? It has to go both ways. Best wishes to you xx

I am glad that works for you and your DD. Some adult children would hate that though and see it as interference. And that is what so hard getting that balance right.

@ShippingNews what a lovely thing to do.

@ShippingNews

I don't think it's to do with age. I'm 63, DD is 36 and we're very close despite some distance. Just today we were talking and she said how stressed she was about the house being a mess because of work and kids . I got onto a cleaning service near her home, and organised a cleaner to go and help her to get the house tidied up. To me that's what mothers do. I always used to say to my kids, love isn't a word you say, it's something that you do. Getting a cleaning lady was love in action .

Maybe your mum isn't feeling the love from you, op ? It has to go both ways. Best wishes to you xx

The problem is a lot of adult children would consider this infantilising and controlling. So you can’t sort out your own problems/put up with them and have to run to mummy to work it out. Wouldn’t a lot of people be horrified if a cleaning lady turned up, particularly if their house was in a complete mess?

As sad as you feel about this @Feeldoublemyage I suggest you try to find a way to reconnect with your DM. You have both changed as people and have distance between you that almost inevitably leads to a loss of connection.

She doesn’t respond to sad or difficult news so don’t offer it to her. Find something you both relate to such as reading, tv shows, aligned views on something and chat about that. Have proper calls and/ or video calls and really ask her about herself. My adult DC don’t very often really ask me about me, it would be nice sometimes.

Does she have any caring responsibilities herself? That and health issues of her own are incredibly draining especially as you get older. As time goes by you will find the roles between you start to reverse- you are the one encouraging her and worrying about her. Unfortunately it’s how it is. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, more that she has less capacity to fret and do the tiny things that mean so much to you.

@jerometheturnipking That would be something, some feedback. Not to just ignore the texts when I have an issue, which is rare, I rarely bother her, but have noticed a pattern with it now.

@ShippingNews

I don't think it's to do with age. I'm 63, DD is 36 and we're very close despite some distance. Just today we were talking and she said how stressed she was about the house being a mess because of work and kids . I got onto a cleaning service near her home, and organised a cleaner to go and help her to get the house tidied up. To me that's what mothers do. I always used to say to my kids, love isn't a word you say, it's something that you do. Getting a cleaning lady was love in action .

Maybe your mum isn't feeling the love from you, op ? It has to go both ways. Best wishes to you xx

But that's the problem isn't it, some people would feel that was overstepping the mark. I remember my mum visiting my brother, she gathered up his washing to do it for him, he was furious and they had a big row about her minding her own business.

I'm about to turn 30.

My mother no longer gets me an advent calendar, does for my DS though. When she visits its really to see my DS and not me per se.

I bought my first home a couple years ago (completely on my own, zero parental help). I thought she'd be all over it wanting to see the place and help with the move. She didn't do anything, Stepdad was very helpful though. I had come from a furnished houseshare so had literally nothing for the house. I had to ask if I was getting any kind of housewarming gift, in the end she gave me some money towards a microwave I'd already bought.

Last year she had an accident and hurt her leg requiring, surgery, several weeks of bed rest and ongoing physio. It was mid-pandemic with rules changing constantly. I visited a couple times on my own, and a few times with my DS, but largely left it to stepdad to deal with. Although she has never said anything, I feel she resents me for the lack of visits and support. But I feel this is a natural result of a lack of interest in me since I flew the next post-uni and transition of her effort and attention to my DS.

With my 30th coming up she has asked if I'd like to go out to eat on the day, and it was very much up to me to say yes or no, she didn't seem eager or positive about wanting to spend time together.

Relationships are complex. Mothers are complex. Add them both together... eurgh.

@MorkandMandy It’s rare I text it. U.K. usually always asking how she is, what they’ve been doing etc. The messages are often about the weather or tv, I sometimes wonder what’s the point

My DM is very much the same OP. She's 67.
She's just retired and has no social life at all, so I think she may be a little depressed, but she's very self absorbed these days. Loves to tell me not to worry that she's fine, what she's been up, what she's had for her tea - but rarely asks anything about the DGC or anything in depth about my life. I had quite a serious gynae issue last year which she knew about at the time as I was v unwell and she's never asked me about it since (better now but she doesn't know).
The ironic thing is we text every day and she'd probably say we were very close, but it feels very one sided and I just don't tell her much these days as all that happens is she turns it back to being about herself.
She never gave me advice or helped with DC when they were babies, she'd just come over and sit on the sofa and expect cups of tea etc. She never changed a single nappy or read them a story. Even now if they ask her to play she usually says no thanks ☹️
It is upsetting but I've just accepted it to some degree now.

Am I right in thinking that she used to provide you with emotional support and now she doesn't?

If that is the case I would talk to her directly about how you feel and see what she says. Otherwise you will never know how things are from her point of view, as you can see there are so many different analyses of the situation from previous posters.

Your relationship will probably improve for the talking about this.

@Zebracat

The dilemma that mothers of adults face is that they are told in no uncertain terms to butt out of their childrens lives. Advice is out of date, love is suffocating, concern is infantilising, support can undermine the primary relationships they have with their partners and children. And don’t get me started on the sibling rivalries that can continue until death. Everything has to be scrupulously weighted and fair, even though everyone’s circumstances can be very different. But if we aren’t prioritising all our children, and their partners and children, we are cold unnatural neglectful. . I think learning to say “ that’s nice, dear” is a sensible alternative , frankly.

Exactly this. You really can't win.

For context I'm an only child and my mother is early 50s!

@LizzieSiddal Excuse me?

They are stressful to them, but many times they are simply making their own stress, stress about the garden was about not being able to decide how to design it/what to spend money on etc. We sit and listen but when almost every conversation is about this or their neighbours or *their lives and not much thought for our careers, our child, being ill, it becomes a little hard. We have our own struggles too, which we don’t seem able to share.
I’m so supportive with everything and it hurts when there’s almost a deliberate ignoring of a message or conversation when it involves me still finding things a struggle at times.

My DM is mid 60s, took early retirement and is fit and well. I can't say she cares less, but I can see she seems to have massively backed off. Rarely initiates contact, I text/phone her every few days. She doesn't want to host anyone, just wants invited to everyone else's. Would drive past my house but wouldn't think to call in or text to say she's in the area and can she pop in for a cuppa. That makes me feel that I can't do the same with her. I think her parents became her dependents at a very young age and I think she might be following suit.

I saw this with my Aunty. She was a very close, attentive loving other of three until she was about 60. It's hard to describe but even though she saw them as much she was more distant, somehow less connected. For instance, one went through a divorce and she just shrugged and said 'he'll get over it. He'll meet someone else." About five years previous he'd had a relationship break-up and she was very concerned
Her daughter says she was never quite the same after breast cancer in her late 40s but don't know if that's relevant.

I think you're getting quite a hard time OP, but that there's also some really good points here. I think the problem at core is that the concerns of older, retired people and the concerns of people with young families are often not a good fit. It can feel really frustrating to hear people with all the time in the world and plenty of money (I'm not saying this is all older retired people but it is the case for many and it sounds like for OP's mum) talk about what seems like very little concerns when you're exhausted and run ragged by small children. But I think (I don't know, I'm not there yet) it is also frustrating for older people to see how absorbed those with young families often are in their own lives, and that they can feel very ignored and underappreciated and as if they're being left on the sidelines of life. I also sometimes feel that my parents are essentially 'inventing' stress and problems for themselves (treating doing the weekly shop as if it's a day-long activity, doing work on the house and then complaining about it) but of course that isn't how they see it at all, and that doesn't mean that they don't feel that these things are important and challenging for them. I also think that we all need to feel busy and stressed to some degree - we're trained from very early on to see those as signs of being worthwhile and productive people - and so it's very painful if anyone is dismissive or patronising about that.

Being too busy and feeling too needed by too many people is a real problem, but so is being not busy enough and not feeling needed enough - and the problem is that both of those states often cause people to become very self-absorbed and uninterested in those in other life stages. So a mother of young children and a woman entering her older years might not be compatible mutual supports, let alone the older continuing to act as the support for the younger. I know that's a really tough truth when it's your mum, though.

Are you. by any chance an only child, @Feeldoublemyage?