Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

I wouldn't say so. As I've got older and mums got older we've got closer and support each other more so and she's brilliant with my kids. Even if it's just a little phone call to rant (she doesn't live near me). That said when I was younger we never saw eye to eye, and we did have a lot of arguments.

I think this does happen but I don't think it's caring less about you as a whole person. It is just feeling less responsible for every detail of your life, like she was when you were little. My kids are still children but as a generally unsympathetic person (it's a fault) I sort of sympathise. I love them with every fibre of my being but I will be quite glad when I'm not in charge of the length of their toenails.

If you're feeling distanced from her the answer is seldom to distance yourself further but maybe make a particular effort to arrange seeing her/ speak to her more regularly.

I do wonder how much you all support your mothers?

[quote Feeldoublemyage]@Pinkchicken85 I definitely don’t expect money, I’m not fussed about it. I think it’s the fact it was always just done before, a certain amount as special birthday money.
She never was massively hands on, she looks uncomfortable with the effort I put into Dds birthday etc (she’s still little and I’m
just a cheeseball like that, I get she’s different) but some effort or sympathy when I’m struggling/ill would be nice. She’s fine replying if I’m texting about something nice or lighthearted though[/quote]
I'm not quite clear, has she stopped acknowledging your birthday altogether or just reduced the amount she gives/spends on you?

If it's the latter I can understand that. Until my DD was 25/26 I would spoil her with quite generous gifts but since commenced 'proper' adulthood e.g. well paid job, own house, partner and new baby I give a smaller monetary gift and give her partner the same on his birthday.

I think this is fairly normal and it's inline with what my parents did once I was well into adulthood.

I'm not sure what is going on with the emotional support stuff. It could be that the physical distance between you makes things seem, well... distant.

Perhaps she is not okay in herself either. The last couple of years haven't been easy for most people. Could she be depressed? Poor mental health can make people appear uncaring and distant without realising.

How frequently do you actually talk to each other?
Texting is such a cold tool for warm communication.Many people find it hard to understand the tone of a text unless it's very straightforward, such as fixing an appointment.
And as others have mentioned, what's going on in your mum's life?
You live abroad, visiting has been difficult this past 2 years, maybe she's feeling miserable and doesn't want to worry you?

Sadly this sounds familiar to me. I don’t think it’s an age thing (my grandma wasn’t like this). I think it’s a personality thing? My mum does the identical thing that yours does; l mention l am struggling with work or IVF. She then drops off the face of the planet without acknowledgement. Then surfaces at some point, contacts me all bright and breezy. Makes zero reference to what l said or how l am, acts like it never happened. Irony is then when she may want support. I’ve taken a step back, it’s clear support is a one way street for her

My mum died in her 60s, and so never reached that stage, but I have noticed this with MIL over the last few years, in her 70s. She is becoming increasingly focused on herself and her little world like what her neighbour is up to, with less interest in her family. I think to some extent its about feeling a bit alienated and unsure of what's going on in the world now. She hears less well, and is less mobile, so generally experiences and participates less, and her world and interests have shrunk. Lockdown hasn't helped either.

When I was aged 4 when she left me with my dad and moved to America

My mum's always been like this. Doesn't message when she knows I'm unwell/need support etc. Had to have my second child at home as she didn't even enquire what would happen with my first. Total disinterest. I can't imagine being like that either. After 40 odd years, I've stopped giving family any headspace that don't care 🤷

Also... so many people on MN say their mothers are unsupportive, then say "I live abroad". How actively supportive can a mother be of a child who has chosen to live abroad? It's hardly giving your mother the message that you want her in your life on a daily or even monthly basis.

I think this must be a British thing, I see it so often on Mn -- the idea that going to live in another country is some kind of 'screw you' message to your family.

@Feeldoublemyage

She’s in her late 60’s now.

I’m always asking after her and check up on her, a few months ago, she had a hard time with her health and I texted a few times per week to check on her and sent gifts.
With this for coming up to almost 2 years, she’s barely acknowledged it. When I’ve spoken about it when she’s come to stay, she just doesn’t say much, listens, I think…hope 🤷🏻‍♀️But doesn’t really give much advice.

Thing is we can’t win as millions of threads here prove. Giving advice is a dangerous thing and us oldies are frequently condemned as interfering and overbearing.

If we give advice on baby care we’re slated as out of date. My babies started weaning at 12 weeks and slept on their stomachs as was the medical advice at the time. No one would dare suggest that now here. It’s no wonder she tells you to ask your friends.

As a MIL I tread on eggshells not to “interfere” and as a mother I know my adult children have their own lives now so again I’m careful to try to not over step the mark.

There is a lot I don’t share with them myself as I don’t want them to worry. It’s a way of protecting them .

Sorry to hear this OP. My mum has been like this since oh, the day I was born and now can’t understand why I don’t revolve my life round her.

Try to detach yourself as much as possible, it’s hard but try and accept who she is but at the same time don’t expect anything from her.

She might not be very well. When do you think you will be next able to visit her? Or are you able to?

Do you have a supportive partner? My mum definitely took a step back when I got married because she felt my DH was there to be that day to day support (and he was). After he died, she became more present in my life.

Is she Unwell herself?

I have many chronic health diseases, and when my mum stared having problems I instantly knew how to support her and that brought us closer together as we're always checking on each other. It may be that she's seeking support from you but doesn't want to hassle you.

I wasn’t really asking for advice when I said I was ill, it just would be nice to have *Some feedback, some questions, even as to what have doctors said, is there anything I could take…just..anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc. They love to talk and talk about those things to us, whilst we sit and listen with much more stressful problems if our own

Having health problems is exhausting. I know when I was ill for two years I had little contact with more physically distant family members. I didn't have the energy.
When you are physically distant it is hard to really know what is going on in someone life and therefore whether they are facing real issues, are depressed, or just uncaring. You simply cant tell often long distance.

I've never had a nice or supportive mother so can't really answer your question but I would agree with the poster that said maybe she has things going on in her life? Is she feeling well? The pandemic has been tough on lots of people, she might have health issues either physical or mental, she might have money worries, be feeling lonely, so many things. I think it is important to remember that she is a person too and her main function now that you are an adult isn't mothering you.

Like I said though I've never had a mother that mothers so have always been very independent so maybe my view on it is skewed.

Sorry but I have to agree it is not particularly an age thing. Though distance will obviously play a role.

We've brought our children up in the country their grandmothers were both born, but a long distance from where they are/were and where we grew up. So both had the "been there done that" understanding of what it is like to have babies and young children without your mother around to help. And in some practical ways the world is so much smaller than it used to be, albeit covid has put some of the size back!

We've had a couple of occasions in particular where my mother dropped everything to come and help - once when my eldest was sick and in hospital, I remember it didn't feel quite so properly serious until my mother asked me on the phone, should I come over?, and after pausing a moment I realised the answer was, yes please. Later she ceased her self-employed teaching and came and stayed with me for most of two years so I could finish postgrad work while she helped with the house and children, school runs etc.

We are in a transition phase at the moment, as she is now in her 80s and trying to downsize, not so well anymore and it will be good when she is closer to us being able to give her a hand in return at last. But she still cares ++ - only the other day she instigated a serious conversation with me about just how she could help me get my weight problems sorted out, as she has pointed out before we have family history of overweight people with heart problems from their 50s, and I'm not far off that age now :(

Having said all of that, there are different ways of showing you care, and with the world's changes some are more difficult or seem less worth pursuing than they used to be. Also, some mothers perhaps feel it is most important to allow you to have your own family - maybe your mother had a bad experience of her own mother or mil trying to control and dominate how she brought you up, and wants to keep things at arms length.

I hope you can forge a new form of your relationship that works for you.

(I've also just remembered when I was first learning about proverbs. My mother told me that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight out of mind" were good descriptions of my two grandmothers respectively ...)

always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore
I also live abroad and have asked my family back in the UK not to send any gifts any more - the post-Brexit customs regulations are annoying (package delivery company adds wrong charges), and the cost is prohibitive. But prior to that, yes, after a few years living abroad, people become less interested in visiting. My mum has also said she won't be visiting any more as she is too old. As I'm the one who moved away, it seems fair!

barely gives any birthday money when she sees me
Maybe she reckons you're an adult with your own income and thus twenty quid here or there are not going to be such a huge hit as when you were a young person, or you just don't need it? Maybe she's not got as much money now?

The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice
I do find that "out of sight, out of mind" applies quite a lot - that is, I'd mainly put it down to the distance, personally.

My own daughter is 24 - I offer her advice but I can't say she really needs it. And I don't want to treat her like a child. Having said that, this year I told the kids that I wouldn't be doing stockings, assuming that they both thought it was stupid anyway, and they protested!

Are your parents still together? I've found it tricky trying to offer the children help while stepping back enough to let their dad do his own thing with them too.

Does she believe you are ill? You said you have had long covid for 2 years and she mainly switched off when you talk about your health?

I noticed with my in-laws the switch off if they find something distressing to talk about, like possible job loss etc, they love their kids but I think it jas to do with avoiding subjects which are painful. So maybe she finds you being ill distressing or maybe she thinks you are over-egging it (not saying you are) is she a stoic about health matters? I kind of stop moaning and get on with it kind of person.

My mother is deceased and I desperately miss talking to her. Your mother is a similar generation. You mention messaging a lot. Have you considered that your mum may be more comfortable with a traditional phone conversation. We are well practiced at conversing via message but maybe she is less comfortable communicating that way, especially about serious topics like health issues hence why she avoids those. I appreciate you are abroad and the expense is more but could you try more actual phone conversations and maybe it will help you both talk about your health issues. Also, her generation can be very secretive about health so you can’t assume she is feeling well. Do you have a relative who sees her back home who can relay information about how she is getting on? Perhaps having a long distance relationship with both you and grandchild with the pandemic on top of that has been incredibly isolating for her.

@Feeldoublemyage

I know that in a week or so she’ll just message again as if I’ve said nothing and then I just usually reply something about Dd or something lighthearted and she responds. Doesn’t feel nice though,

This seems to me that your mum feels unable to take on board other people's problems, including yours. Maybe she's feeling very low herself, or has a lot of her own troubles or health issues of her own.

She's happy to chat to you, but she's signalling to you that she can't cope with any difficulties you may be going through and can't support you through them.

I think if you're able to accept that, then your relationship with your mum would improve. Tell her all the good things, focus on all the positive things in your life, as she clearly doesn't want to be burdened by your problems (she probably has enough of her own).

@Feeldoublemyage

I wasn’t really asking for advice when I said I was ill, it just would be nice to have *Some feedback, some questions, even as to what have doctors said, is there anything I could take…just..anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc. They love to talk and talk about those things to us, whilst we sit and listen with much more stressful problems if our own

The thing is they have lived your life and have been through all the ups and downs of life with a family . Everyone goes through it . Nothing you can say is new . TBH sometimes people get fed up listening to youngsters whingeing on about life . You have stresses and they have stresses - whether it is a garden or not . They are entitled to have them . They are just not "your reality " .When your time ahead of you is less than you have lived, your focus comes back more to yourself and enjoying that time . You have chosen to live abroad too so there will be less contact but you seem to require a lot of adult babying .

I'm a bit torn on this one. Not knowing you or your mother makes it difficult to know which side of the fence to come down on!

But ...

... you're an adult now. Your DM is bound to treat you differently, and give you more independence. i certainly wouldn't have expected my parents to spend as much money on me/give me so many gifts once I'd grown up/left home/had my own children

And, she has her own life to lead now. I'm in my early 60s and recently retired, and I'm loving having time to myself to do things that are important to me and that I had so little time to do when I was working full time. I note that you are fairly dismissive of the things your parents want to talk about - so it does go both ways!

On balance, I do think you're being a little bit selfish here, and that you still expect your DM to treat you as a child rather than grown up.