Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

@BootsScootsAndToots

Crikeys, I'm 44 and my mum still mothers me 🧐

She will ask how I am, tell me when I look tired, listen to me moan about my job dc sometimes and I listen to her.

What's this magical age your mum is supposed to stop caring?

God I wish! I'm 37, my Mum is 77 and she pays ZERO interest in me! She's great with my DD when she's physically with her but again, pays little attention to what is going on in her life. It's sad.

OP wasn't looking for advice from her DM per se, she was hoping for emotional support. Ever heard of that??

But how much emotional support is someone really, meaningfully, able to provide from overseas and by text?
"Gaaah mum, the baby was up 15 times last night!"
"Oh dear. She'll get there eventually."

"My long Covid is flaring up again :("
"Oh dear. Hope you're better soon."

I mean, really?! It's not like they can actually do anything.

It might not be this, but when my mum doesn’t reply if I’ve said something like I’m not feeling good etc, I usually assume I’m being a bit whingy and she can’t be bothered with it. Is it a pattern? Or do you have lots of positive conversations too? And does it work both ways?

I wouldn't expect large gifts or money from my mum as an adult. And gifts/money =/= caring

However, it sounds as thought she might be pretty distant when she messages etc.. You say she asks how you are - do you ever ask how she is? Do you offer support when she's having a bad day?

@Feeldoublemyage

I wasn’t really asking for advice when I said I was ill, it just would be nice to have *Some feedback, some questions, even as to what have doctors said, is there anything I could take…just..anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc. They love to talk and talk about those things to us, whilst we sit and listen with much more stressful problems if our own

It sounds to me as if your parents are choosing trivial topics, like the garden, as safe small talk. Please don't misinterpret that as them having no worries. Your assumption that your problems are so much more stressful than your mum's is patronising and lacks empathy. No wonder she sticks to safe subjects.

I talk to a lot of older people about their concerns (GP) and I can promise you that they have just as many big worries as younger people - plus they are confronting ageing and mortality. But they often don't want to burden children with these concerns.

Do you encourage your mother to talk to you about what's really on her mind? Fear of ageing, regrets about things not done, health anxieties, more and more of her friends getting older and dying, sadness about you living abroad? If not, what makes you think that she wants to hear the ins and outs of your own concerns?

It sounds to me that your DM is signalling that she wants a more reciprocal relationship with you.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I do thing our way of caring changes. I'm not sure if the PPs have adult children, but it does definitely change. Of course we do t have to show that, but the love you give out to an adult child is very different in my experience. I have both adult and young children and I can see that.

I think it's a natural progression.
I am always there for my kids and I love all of them equally but as adults my role in their life is a different one. I will only 'mother' them when they really need it. Then they will ask for it.

It is the same for all the women I know with adult children. We've spoken about it a lot. I think the women we've spoken to who do t get it are those who aren't there yet.

It's an interestingb stance because it comes from the mother's pov but there is nothing about the adult children feel about it. Are the suppose to just suck it up even if they are finding hurtful like the OP does?

My dcs are on the cups of being adults. I am finding a balance that is working both for me and dc is hard to find. Different needs and expectations on both sides iyswim. But I would want to find a balance that works for both of us.

If I look at it from me as an adukt child and my own parents, i'd be hurt of my parents just stopped 'caring about me' and didn't answer to a message saying I am struggling iyswim.

@Bubblesgun

As hard as it may sounds, and I am not trying to have a dig at you, have you tried seeing it the other way around?

How is your mum feeling? You are now a mother and so on the other side. Of coureenit is nice to have support from our mums but equally she may loves support from you. Maybe she is going through some stuffs, maybe she would like you to grow up in a way that it is not all about you anymore? Maybe she would like your relationship to be in a mpte equal footing?

You dont say how old you are and if your DD is the first grand child or not, but presumably you had a child because you could afford it.
Therefore, your mother gifts should be just that gifts if she wants to. Maybe you could gift to her as well.

I live abroad too and I had a difficult relationship with my mum for a long time for a lot of reasons. But one of them was to keep seeing things with my perspective.
Now on anti depressants for 6 weeks, finally I made the jump, things have finally cleared up. Whilst I need to move on from the things she did to me, I am now ready for an adult relationship with her and seeing things with her perspective ie.

• she is no longer the main chief operating officer as she is a grandmother to 11 kids;
• i will know better because medicine, advices and parenting have evolved;
• i live abroad by choice so see her less;
• i am a strong independant woman so dont need her everyday advice;
• she has just sold her company and has retired so needs to re invent herself for the next 10,20,30 years;
• she hasnt been able to travel and visit us for 2 years now;
• my dad is VERY independant so she is quite alone. Not lonely but alone;
• she cant see her grandkids as much as she likes;
• etc and so much more.
• she is getting older, a bit more foregetful and tired

I now believe it is HER turn to be supported and looked after.

Maybe have a little think.

Please remember I mean it in respect and kindly. I went through the same journey as you.

Good luck

PS: Of course that is if there is no back story of neglect, etc

This ^

@Walking4You the point is it becomes first a bit more equal with you both caring about each other. And then as mothers get older the adult child does usually end up giving more care than they are getting back. It is a natural progression. We can't be needy children forever.

Would love parents who live happy independent lives who treat their adult children as adults. Do we really need elderly parents to give token gift money to their child's 45th birthday like in their teens. Will these children ever grow up?

There is only so much someone can do for family living abroad. Its not a competition of who has bigger problems. Do you think they don't sense your lack of interest in their topics?

She's almost 70? You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming you are in your 40's. Seems a bit odd that your Mum would be still sending you an Advent Calendar? Shlepping to the shops, parcelling it up and then doing another schlep to the post office to send it abroad (with the associated cost of that). I think she probably just thinks it's a bit silly.

My DD moved to the US in October. She's 23. I used to still buy her an Advent Calendar when she lived at home, but it would be ridiculous to post one to the States, so I didn't. And I didn't even think to make any mention of it.

I remember, how at about 70 years of age, my Mum stopped talking very much when she was around my sister and her DH, because they are such know-it-alls, that almost anything she said was shot down in flames. So in the end, she just tended to be very quiet around them. When my Mum came to visit, she was chatty the whole time. My sister asked me whether she had been quiet, as "she doesn't contribute much to conversations anymore". I'm not saying this is the case with you AT ALL, but could she be reacting to something? Maybe at her age she can't cope with anything negative?

It does change, I think it has to for your own sanity as a mother. I have 4 adult kids, they have partners and there are 6 GC. So that's 14 of them to think about and worry about. I do fret/worry about them but to be honest I keep it to myself as they are adults and don't need me fussing and you probably wouldn't want your mother having the same input as she did when you were a baby/10 years old/teenager.

It is hard setting boundaries for everyone' benefit and not unusual to get it wrong, have a look at some posts on here about mother/MIL interfering and being too involved. You can't win really.

My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc.

How do you know they aren’t stressful to them?! You’re mum is in her late 60s, maybe she doesn’t want Bt be involved in your day to day issues. Honestly you really do need to grow up OP, you’re an adult not a child.

Definitely don't think it's an age thing. Is she quite codependent, or someone who got a lot of her worth from being a mother? Once I reached a certain age (mid 20s) and was very clearly living my own life, not 'needing' my mum in the same way I had as a child, there was a definite switch. Mine gets a lot of her self-worth through 'caring' for people (I say 'caring' because it's much more about her than the other person), almost making them dependent on her or feel obligated to her.

I think she almost took it personally that I was an adult and I didn't need her the same way I had when I was 8. She doesn't really know how to have that sort of mutual adult relationship. All of her friends are people she is 'helping' or who need rescuing in some way. She chose a partner later in life who also needed 'fixing' and that became a preoccupation (unfortunately, a quite unhealthy one). I think because I'm quite independent, she doesn't get the sort of fill from me that she does from others, so she has lost interest.

It's a more complicated story than that, but we are now largely NC. She hasn't acknowledged by birthday for the past few years, or my dc's birthdays. She sends sad messages from time to time saying how she feels upset she doesn't have us in her life. I communicate back asking her to work on our relationship, but then I don't hear from her again for 6 months. I certainly don't see the same with my dh or other friends and their parents of the same age. I think it's just because my mum is sadly fairly dysfunctional, and that's played out in most of her adult relationships. It's just most stark with me.

Also - as silly as it seems - enjoy the peace! My Dad is 80 and calls me every single day - at least 5 times, but often more, to just talk about nothing. He also can't do much for himself (well, he could but he chooses to expect the children to do it all). It's quite exhausting.

I think the relationship becomes more reciprocal and two-way. Eg I wouldn’t dream of sending my mum an advent calendar and so no longer expect her to send me one.

I also have friends who just didn’t take to motherhood. It was hard and a regret. They don’t want to be hands-on with their adult children or grandchildren.

I'm 70 next year by the way. I think there also comes a point where it is nice if adult children make a bit of a fuss of you instead of the other way round. That point varies but I know with my mother she needed support at 70 that I'm no where near needing but some people will feel that need

My mum went from doting on me to seemingly actively disliking me. Everything I do is wrong. I find it difficult to be around her now because she looks like my mum but doesn't feel like my mum. If that makes sense. When I was having my first baby I asked if she would batch cook me some curry (she makes my favourite curry in the world and had made me batches for uni, moving house etc) and she said No. I did genuinely think she was joking at first as it seemed so out of character.
She was married to an abusive (to all of us) man for years so that didn't help.

@Feeldoublemyage

I wasn’t really asking for advice when I said I was ill, it just would be nice to have *Some feedback, some questions, even as to what have doctors said, is there anything I could take…just..anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ My parents always seem to have one stress or other, things which in reality aren’t even that stressful! Planning of the garden etc. They love to talk and talk about those things to us, whilst we sit and listen with much more stressful problems if our own

How stressful things are does vary. You might worry about the standards at local nurseries and which one would suit your little one, a woman in say Afghanistan who hasn't food for her child might think you have nothing to worry about. So their garden isn't a stress to you but to them it might seem really big decision about how to spend their budget.

So you listen about the garden, do they listen about your long covid or cut you off? If it is that they aren't giving advice well is that a surprise, they've probably never had covid or long covid so what would their advice mean?

My mum developed early onset dementia just before my first child was born.

She has not been able to be involved with my children at all (apart from receiving photos etc) and is now in a care home. It is worse for my younger sister who has only just had her first born - she will never really know my sisters baby.

There are many other reasons (apart from illness) why your mum might not be "supporting" you as you think she should. Of course having young children is hard but I am not sure there is an automatic right to expect help from your mother with what are her grandchildren.

If you have a mother figure (your own or another lady who agrees to take that role) who is willing to support you in practical and emotional ways when your children are young count yourself as lucky - there is a fair proportion of people out there who do not have that.

For my Mum, it's since lockdown plus I think her age

We still speak and visit but nowhere near as frequently

Her tolerance levels are lower, anxiety higher and she's getting more forgetful

It's hard when the dynamics change

I think giving advice about children is so hard. My children are teenagers and the idea of what is best has changed, plus if I am honest I forget things. Someone asked me for advice about toilet training. I remember doing it, but I simply cant remember the details enough to give any meaningful advice.

My mum is very similar. When I had ds1 she’d be phoning constantly asking how I/ he was, sending us postcards telling us how much she missed us etc. She missed us so much she convinced me to move back to my hometown so that she could see dc more. Now we’re here though we barely see her. I sent her an invite for dc2’s birthday party and she didn’t get back to me, when I chased her she said she couldn’t commit to coming as she was planning on going on a run that day. She’s retired so she could do it any day she wants. I can understand not wanting to come to a kids party but I thought she’d at least tell dc seeing as he’d spent ages maki by her an invite

This is an interesting thread for me to read, especially because my mum is codependent and I'd never considered that as a reason for this shift.

My mum is much the same. But then, looking back on my childhood, although she was kinder in those days and seemed more interested in me, the way I was brought up was quite toxic and I've tried not to do the same with my own children.

My mum stopped bothering with me after I had my first baby when I was 21. Same thing with birthdays etc. For my 30th birthday she bought me a crappy packet of sweets. If she was hard up I'd understand but she isn't! Then she complains about her own mother buying her a plastic basket for her 21st. I find it unbelievable that she is incapable of any kind of self reflection. If I'm ill or upset, her response is always about her and how she feels worse than I do.

I'm autistic and I feel that she's angry with me for having a disability. I've accepted that nothing will change so I focus on things being different with my own daughters.

Sad to read this. I’m 45 and my mum has never stopped being a proper mum to me and doing nice little things for me. I know I can rely on her 100% to be there for me when I need her. My dad, who is on wife 3, is, and always has been, a waste of space.

So I guess you win some and lose some.

I don't think it's to do with age. I'm 63, DD is 36 and we're very close despite some distance. Just today we were talking and she said how stressed she was about the house being a mess because of work and kids . I got onto a cleaning service near her home, and organised a cleaner to go and help her to get the house tidied up. To me that's what mothers do. I always used to say to my kids, love isn't a word you say, it's something that you do. Getting a cleaning lady was love in action .

Maybe your mum isn't feeling the love from you, op ? It has to go both ways. Best wishes to you xx