New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

But how the hell did you manage all that partying and drinking while looking after 4 young-ish DCs. Not great for them, and their need for you being around

It does sound quick to me but everyone is different I guess, are your parents the ones looking after the children whilst you date and party and drink and have nights out? maybe that’s why they are commenting

So how are your kids coping OP?

Sorry yes I should have elaborated that my drinking and partying were done at home as the first lockdown began a month after DH's death.
When I did go out my eldest DD who was 18 at the time would look after the younger ones.

Don’t worry OP you’ve been through a lot. Don’t let other people make you feel guilty. The fact you have kept this man separate till now shows you have and will always consider your children first. Everyone deserves to try to be happy without being judged for it.

Sorry but it doesn't sound as if you took much care of your children in those early days. You say that you and your 4 children were devastated, but then you were almost immediately partying and leaving the older child to look after the others.

Before you start integrating this man into your kid's lives, I think it would be a good thing to spend some quality time with them, and to find out how they are really feeling. This man has been in your life since 6 months after their father died - you might not find them very accepting of the new situation . I don't blame your parents for finding it all a bit quick -- I would too.

TheDangerOfIgnorance I don't know how I managed to cope. I am ashamed of my behaviour and actions at that time. I have been suicidal at times just thinking about it. Thankfully I have amazing sisters and friends who looked after both me and the kids. Thankfully I have stopped the destructive behaviour and I am trying to use more productive methods of coping.

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

But how the hell did you manage all that partying and drinking while looking after 4 young-ish DCs. Not great for them, and their need for you being around

What an ironic username

OP nobody can tell you if you moved on too quickly. Everyone is different. The fact that you were with your DH since you were 19 maybe influenced your behaviour though?

That's pretty shitty of your mum to question how much you loved your DH. What time frame is acceptable to her exactly?

I think your children have been through enough for now. Their father dying, you checking out, it's all just so much trauma. I think they need more time to adjust.

ShippingNews You are 100 percent right when you say that I wasn't taking care of the kids properly. I wasn't taking care of myself either.
I really cant explain the drinking and partying reaction. It was so unlike me and as if I had undergone a personality change.
Thankfully I have stopped all that and have been spending quality time with all of the kids.

You have been through the most awful time and I think it's great that you have found someone.

My200lbLife The kids are doing as well as can be expected. I was very happy when their head teacher called me in for a chat a few months ago and said that he had seen such a massive improvement in them. Obviously i can see things changing at home but to hear a professional say it means more than I can ever say. It fills my heart with hope that one day we can all be happy again

I personally think death and grief are one of the few taboos we have left. Who knows how anyone would act under such circumstances.

I don't think your Mother has a right to question your love for your late husband. But maybe she is worried that you are trying to run before you can walk - perhaps she is worried you'll be hurt again. You have told some friends and your Mother - do your children have to know? Can you not just carrying on as you have been? At least until you have been able to find out how the children feel about another man on their life.

sparepantsandtoothbrush my mother is very traditional and often says things like "oh when your father dies I wouldn't take on another man for all the money in the world"
I don't think any time frame would be acceptable to her. She seems to think that being a widow is for life.

Hi OP, I’m so happy for you that you found someone! Ignore the judgmental arseholes and pearl clutchers - I mean do they seriously think a woman should be resigned to a life of loneliness at the age of 37?!

I think 2 years is fine, and a healthy time to start integrating him into your life. I can’t think of a single reason why you should be alone. You can’t be single forever more because the children might not like it - but you will get dickhead comments (what a mean thing for your mum to say) and judgemental opinions so accept that now and square it with yourself. But otherwise, good luck!

@Aquamarine1029

I think your children have been through enough for now. Their father dying, you checking out, it's all just so much trauma. I think they need more time to adjust.

FFS a woman going on a few nights out is hardly ‘checking out’

@CommonPersonLikeMe

sparepantsandtoothbrush my mother is very traditional and often says things like "oh when your father dies I wouldn't take on another man for all the money in the world" I don't think any time frame would be acceptable to her. She seems to think that being a widow is for life.

My aunty was a young widow at 46 after my uncle died of leukaemia. She said this; wanted to stay faithful to his memory etc.

She’s now late 60’s and has been chronically depressed for years due to loneliness. Her kids are grown up so it’s things like finding someone to go to dinner/holidays/weekends away with etc. Not many single men her age kicking about now, so little she can do to change it. When my other aunty’s husband died, she found love again six months later and they were married after a year - she said she isn’t being like Jayne, she refuses to live that life. Maybe you have to witness it to understand but I’m 100% with newly married aunty here

Catflapkitkat I could almost certainly carry on as I have been doing and maybe that is the answer for now at least.
I just feel so judged that it is making me feel very depressed and anxious.
What is clear to me is that my mother is more worried about what other people will think.

I don't want to use it as an excuse ,more as a possible explanation but I actually found my DH dead in bed beside me and had to perform CPR while on the phone to the ambulance service. The trauma of that morning seemed cause my brain to block out all thoughts of death and I sort of went off the rails for a while, acting completely out of character.

I will probably get slates for this but I'm with your mother and friend.

What sort of a person even casually dates a grieving widow of 6 months? Surely mist decent people would understand that grief makes people vulnerable and that it's not the time to make a move on someone casually or otherwise. It seems somewhat manipulative to me.

Your children all still young are grieving their father. His loss has been a massive change for them,massive and 2 years later you want another massive change in their lives too.

Have you had bereavement counselling for you and your children?

Both your mother and your friend are concerned, two unconnected sources who only have your best interests at heart. Surely they wouldn't be interfering if they weren't genuinely concerned.

There are some seriously judgy posts here, please ignore them!

I think because you have kids, you need to take that into consideration above anything else, so you really need to dip your toes in slowly. I wouldn’t do anything drastic or any big shocks like announcing a boyfriend or moving him in. Could you introduce him to your friends, and then the kids meet him as a friend, in a group of your friends, then slowly bring him into your circle to see how they react so you can guage when it would be best to tell them it’s a romantic relationship. I just think you need to be careful and have conversations with them over a period of time about how they’d feel about a stepdad, and everything that comes with that. Get them used to the ide first before dropping a bomb on them.

If you were my friend, the advice I would give you, is to take a bit of time out of the relationship with your boyfriend, just make sure your head is on as straight as it can be and that would only be given if you asked me, otherwise I would just support you.

But there is no one in your life or on the internet who can tell you the right way to grieve and when it is right for you to move on. Its such a personal thing

I would just say to your mum, did you mistake me for Queen Victoria?

If someone had told me before that my reaction would be what it was I would have laughed in disbelief. I'm certainly not laughing now and find myself crying with shame, guilt, fear, grief, anger and every emotion in between

I think there are some pretty judgy comments on here, I lost my partner suddenly in my 20s and although different as I had no kids. I responded to my grief by drinking and partying 7 days a week, I can now see that it was a coping mechanism and I was on a path to self destruct.

It's done now, I can't imaging being alone suddenly after 20yrs with 4 kids. Don't punish yourself for this any longer.

At the end of the day, it sounds as though you are out the other side of that time and making more rational decisions. It's nobody's business how long it takes to be ready to rebuild after a death.

I would tell your family that, if they keep giving their opinion ask them for their personal experience of losing a spouse and how long it took them to be ready to move forward.

There's no rule book, just take it slowly.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I will re read it all again tomorrow and take on board all of the suggestions given. The only thing I would like to make clear is that I loved my husband very much and the decisions I have made after his death, both good and bad do not change that however it might appear to others.