New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

Maybe this should be moved to the bereavemnt section, instead of AIBU?

@Oblomov22

I would want my Dh to find someone new. How soon is too soon? Who knows. I wonder how soon my teen sons would think is too soon. If you read earlier posts from children who lost parents young, damage is done. How soon? Clearly different strokes for different folks. I wouldn't want Dh alone and sad. I'd prefer it if he didn't find someone before i was cold though. Not over a cucumber sandwich, consumating it at the actual funeral, preferably not.

Who is consummating at funerals?

‘Kids are resilient’ is an easy thing to say, but rarely has any bearing on the individuals actually involved. Some kids are, some aren’t. I also know a lot of people say ‘well the kids will deal, it’s not up to them’ and that is true, but any decisions made now will impact on your relationships with your children, now and going forward. I’ve known more than one parent who has taken the hardline stance of ‘my children will not run my life’ find themselves deeply unhappy later on when their independent children have cut them off. Centering your children imo isn’t having them run your life, its taking into account the feelings and needs of people you’ve chosen to bring into the world and are responsible for.

Your timelines are up to you, and I would never judge. You’ve gone through something awful and there’s nothing wrong with moving on and finding happiness again. However, I would say proceed cautiously with your children. They’ve also suffered a horrible loss and they need to see and feel that they are your priority.

Oh @CommonPersonLikeMe I am so sorry for the loss of your darling husband and I am happy that you have found someone else. You could be alone forever but it won’t bring your husband back. The only person that can judge you after what you have gone through is yourself. So please be kind to yourself.
Wishing you happiness for yourself and your children 💝

” I'd prefer it if he didn't find someone before i was cold though. Not over a cucumber sandwich, consumating it at the actual funeral, preferably not.”

This is an unbelievably inappropriate post and completely lacking in empathy.

OP, I think you’d benefit from this thread being moved because you’ll avoid posts from people who are basing their responses on their limited life experience. You’ve been through a trauma that cannot be understood by others. I hate how anyone feels they have a right to judge your pain and how you live your life. Clearly, you’ve all had a traumatic time and I wonder if you’d benefit from family counselling with a specialist bereavement service to help you work out how to move forward.

I think it's best to respect ones partner in their choice of when they want to meet somebody new, rather than have them feel guilty if they met somebody sooner than people 'approve' of.

My Mum used to say she'd haunt my father if she died and he found a new partner. She did die, and, though I can't stand him, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. If you love someone, you don't even prevent them from being with someone they love when you're alive; you let them go, to do what makes them happy, and you deal with your emotional consequences yourself.

When my partner died, she said she wanted me to go back out into the world, find someone lovely, and be happy with them. It would have rather have taken the edge off if she'd said 'But not for at least a year, you're not allowed!'

It's simply controlling to expect somebody not to love someone new for a set period. It happens when it happens. It can happen because you're grieving.

You've literally spent no time on your own since your DH died. Had you been unhappy with your H for some time? I mean, I don't know your optional state when he died. But you don't seem to have spent any time on your own.

I was widowed three years ago and felt the same as your mother - being a widow would be my fate for life, and I would never want or need another partner. Until a couple of weeks ago I still subscribed to that but had a crush on someone unsuitable, then decided to dip my toes in the water of OLD. I have met a man I have an instant connection with and he is most excellent. He will never replace DH but he is different - my feelings for him don't stop my love for DH. I know exactly what you mean.

A statistic for you, OP: 25 months after a husband's death, 19% of women have re-married (and 61% of men after a wife's death!). Don't worry, it's great that you have found love again. I'm really sorry your mother is so judgemental and you should try to ignore her views and look to your own happiness. I'm also really sorry that many posters on this thread are so judgemental of you, when you've been so engagingly honest about how you dealt with the trauma of your DH's death in the first few months afterwards. Just ignore them, too.

The opinions that matter are yours, your DP's and most importantly right now, your DC. No one else should even be on your radar.

I'd be a bit suspicious that your DP met you when you were very vulnerable and not yourself; but if you take small slow baby steps in blending his life into yours, you can adapt and pull back if you need to.

Just make sure that your kids feel that they can be honest with you.

I'm still here and reading all the comments.
Just to answer a few questions....
Yes my eldest daughter and I have spoken at length about how I behaved in the aftermath. I have apologised and tried my best to explain my actions. We are now closer than ever and can talk to each other about anything.
I didn't mention moving the new man in to live with me as someone suggested as this is not something I would consider even if the children knew him and were happy. After 2 years of living my life by my rules and suiting myself, I don't think I could live with anyone ever again. To be honest he would probably say exactly the same as he has his own house and no children so it suits us both to live apart.
I think I will continue to keep things separate for now and just see how things turn out.
I will keep you all up dated as you have been so kind to offer support and tell your own stories of grief. It really is amazing how many widows there are here.

I don’t think you’re the slightest bit unreasonable - I was widowed of much loved H at 37 so I can empathise to some degree. My children were very young, but I too did the babysitters, drink and partying. I was pressured into a relationship which very quickly fell apart (thank goodness).

I continued to grieve for years and agree the children must be your priority. However- two years is a relatively short period for you, but depending on their ages it can be a very long time ago for a child. They may be ready to accept change.

I am very fortunate that my family and ILs have been nothing but supportive over the last decades. IME those who say ‘never again’ are those whose marriage didn’t encourage them to repeat the experience.

IME those who say ‘never again’ are those whose marriage didn’t encourage them to repeat the experience @NoBetterthanSheShouldBe there is lots of evidence that people who move on relatively quickly are those who had very happy relationships, because they know what they're missing

So bollocks to judgemental people who think there is a time limit on grief, and as long as you and your children are happy OP then do what works for you

I would broach it with your DC first provided they’re all old enough to understand and see how they feel about meeting him. I wouldn’t tell them you met him so soon after their Dad died, I’d maybe say you met a year ago and have taken things slowly but you are fond of him and he’d love to meet them.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about moving on (although I do understand why you do), 37 is a very young age to be suddenly widowed and I don’t think anyone should expect you to be alone for the rest of your life.

My concern would be whether you've had therapy/counselling and actually dealt with the emotions around finding your husband dead..as it sounds like you done a lot of 'escapism' in the form of partying, drinking etc - it's a coping mechanism along the lines of 'putting ones head in the sand' and distracting yourself with something, ANYTHING, that will stop you sitting with your reality.

Love comes to us, at times, when we least expect it. And that is fine. However, you do need to make sure you're truly healed, or you may find yourself suddenly dumbstruck one day, when that trauma response wears off and you relive all that you ran away from.

I absolutely don't think you should be single forevermore, no way, you're so young. But your children have been through a lot - as have you - and I think you owe it to them to slow yourself down a bit and just be present now. If this new guy is a keeper, he will understand and continue to let you grieve and grow.

Someone I went to high school with, on my facebook, buried her husband a year ago and I admit I am shocked she is already in another relationship - I personally think it's too soon. But each to their own.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and I wish you peace and a happy future

I’m not judging your behaviour at all and you should’ve either, you have been through something terrible and none of us could say how we might react. There is nothing wrong with you moving on and seeing someone and your dm should be more worried about you than the opinions of others.

That being said, I would not introduce your partner to your dc yet. Friends are separate and that would be fine, but your kids have also been through a terrible trauma and I think you should give them more time. Carry on as you are with this chap and socialise together with friends, but don’t bring your kids into it at this stage.

*shouldn’t

Please don't feel guilty. You been through an awful trauma and your body has coped by going into protect mode. You have been in shock.
Many divorced women go out and party and they are celebrated for getting it out of their system.
I have been through exactly the same as yourself.
My auntie lost her husband back in 1990. Three weeks later she started dating. She enjoyed her life. Please do the same, you know as well as me you only have one Iife.
Best wishes x

@CommonPersonLikeMe

I think it’s plenty of time.
Also no one can critique you for how you coped
It’s not an unusual approach you took and no one knows your exact situation.

Be happy but listen to you kids but they can’t expect you to be a nun for ever.

But take it gently

What a massive shock that must of been. My heart breaks for you. No one can say how they would react to such awful events and grief so these judgey posts need to be ignored!

What's done is done. You can't change your reaction to your husbands death. What you can do is look after your children now. There is also no reason why you can't have that new relationship. Ask your kids what they think. Would they like to meet him? Follow their lead. As for other family members, are you really bothered what they think?

One thing to take from this tragedy is that life is so short. If this person makes you happy then grab it and hold on tight. There is no perfect timing. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy. Just make sure the lines of communication are flowing with your kids.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, after what you have been through you sure deserve it x

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new.

No you wouldn't @Oblomov22 - because you'd be dead, you plank.

& unless you have woken to a dying husband who you attempted CPR on in your panic & grief, you've got no business getting pious with OP about falling off the rails for 6 months.
You failed to comment on the positive feedback from the school head about how well the DC are doing, so are clearly cherry-picking the bits which allow you to feel self-righteous.

I think OP should be commended for getting her act together so fast. She's a human being, who underwent a totally traumatic event, but managed to hold her remaining family together.

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new. sorry but I am somewhat at this statement. You really wouldn’t be hurt. In fact you’d be oblivious. Because you’d be dead.

Ffs @CommonPersonLikeMe had to deal with a traumatic event of finding your husband/trying to do CPR then while also dealing with the death of your partner having children and their grief too.

How dare people judge your initial reactions and actions when grieving! No one knows how any of us will react to grief and trauma. @CommonPersonLikeMe has admitted her behaviour was out of character and not like her. It was obviously a response to the events she had suffered. We don’t need to pile on I’m sure she feels bad enough for her children. The children are ok and op calmed her behaviour.

It’s been two years it’s not been a few weeks. If you are ready to move on and show your children the next step in your life, you know them best. You will get judged but that could be now or in 5 years by the looks of it. Good luck with your future.

@SarahBop

My concern would be whether you've had therapy/counselling and actually dealt with the emotions around finding your husband dead..as it sounds like you done a lot of 'escapism' in the form of partying, drinking etc - it's a coping mechanism along the lines of 'putting ones head in the sand' and distracting yourself with something, ANYTHING, that will stop you sitting with your reality.

Love comes to us, at times, when we least expect it. And that is fine. However, you do need to make sure you're truly healed, or you may find yourself suddenly dumbstruck one day, when that trauma response wears off and you relive all that you ran away from.

I absolutely don't think you should be single forevermore, no way, you're so young. But your children have been through a lot - as have you - and I think you owe it to them to slow yourself down a bit and just be present now. If this new guy is a keeper, he will understand and continue to let you grieve and grow.

Someone I went to high school with, on my facebook, buried her husband a year ago and I admit I am shocked she is already in another relationship - I personally think it's too soon. But each to their own.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and I wish you peace and a happy future

Out of interest how long should a widow wait? Surely an event like asudden or young death reinforces life if short. I’m not talking straight away but when is the ‘right’ acceptable timeframe to move on?

OP my advice would be just keep doing what your doing, no rush , got whole life ahead of you. Enjoy what you have here and now.
Be very careful with regards to your financial situation, alot of sharks out there, most men think young widows are well off.
Also concentrate on doing some things without your partner, keep rebuilding new way of life with children, and also strenghten your social circle as much as you can, so if things don't go to plan further down the line you still have a full and interesting life to fall back on.