New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. I think you should practice self compassion- I can completely understand why you went off the rails in response to such trauma. Your Mum is being very unhelpful in projecting onto you what she thinks she'd do in the same situation but without experiencing any of the shock and trauma. She's definitely unqualified to be judging.

Do your kids know your new partner exists? How about talking to them about the possibility of meeting?

Please be kind to yourself x

OP. I'm really happy for you that you have found someone. My mum was widowed at 46 years of age, the same age I am now. She never had remarried or had another relationship and she found it very hard at times always being the single person at the table on nights out with her friends. She's in her 80s now and leads a happy life, but I really wish she hadn't been on her own for so long. There have been some great suggestions re. WAY etc on this thread. Good luck for the future, wishing you much happiness!

I feel terrible for you OP, you've been through hell.

Another young widow story- my BF from childhood lost her dad when she was 6. Her Mum, whom I was close to when BF & I were in school and after, never remarried or even dated. I wish she had, and so does her daughter.

She's now a bitter, lonely drinker with barely a relationship left in her life. Now, I'm not saying having a partner would've necessarily changed that, but I wish she'd given herself a chance at finding new happiness with someone.

I wish you all the best xx

Stop agonising. It's just a bunch of drama, it's self created, and you don't need it.

The fact is, there are no rules. There are lots of judgy people who will tell you their rules as if they are 'the' rules (as you can see on this thread, and from your mother), but all you can do is follow your own rules. Internal ones. They are emotions. They tell you what's right for you; they tell you what's good for you.

So, you feel he's a good guy, you want to stay with him, and you feel he'd be a good person to be in your children's lives. This doesn't reflect in any way for you your feelings about your husband. That's it. No drama. Tell your children about your new relationship when you feel you're ready and they are ready. No more drama, no more self torture. You've got yourself on a big hook and you're insisting on keeping yourself there in a sort of emotional hell, but it is what it is. Let yourself off that hook and avoid anyone who makes you feel shit for having your own natural feelings. It's the most basic form of disrespect.

I am so sorry you were widowed so young. It sounds as if you have a close relationship with your children. My father died when I was a teen. I’m in my 50s. I was never comforted at all by my mother and she didn’t speak of him unless it was to make me feel guilty. To this day, I would never talk about him to her as she could say something barbed to me; sometimes she tells me things about her life from her perspective. Different generation and narcissistic tendencies play a role. In fact, I was the one in my grief, who partied and got drunk. I totally understand your reactions.

As for your children, have you apologised and discussed your behaviour properly with them? Ensured you / they have therapy if needed? I think this is the first point to tackle before starting to phase this man in. They aren’t going to understand that this guy helped you through it if they feel under-supported or misunderstood need help themselves. My mother got ‘help’ by getting a new man. Never occurred to her I might need help myself. I couldn’t exactly go out and get a new father.

Although I agree that it's no one else's business who you date I think you're going to have to brace yourself because, rightly or wrongly, people do like judge others, especially single women who dare to make choices that suit them. Your mum and your friend are showing you the type of reactions you're going to get from others. Whether that's school gate gossip or wider family giving their opinion after too many sherries you'd better start learning to ignore it.

I am single 5 years after separating from my ex and I get the opposite comments - people presuming that there's something wrong with me because I've got no interest in dating or thinking I must be lonely and sad (like the comments on this thread about widows who don't remarry for example). My only advice is to develop a thick skin because people love to tell you that you're doing it wrong.

I completely understand your behaviour after your dh's death and would think it's probably quite normal. If you had met this man after 2 years I would feel more positive about it, but you met him after 6 months and if it were me I wouldn't know if I could trust my judgement properly. I would feel more confident with a period of time alone so that I could get my head straight. I watched my dm go straight in and maybe it was fear of being alone or maybe he preyed on a vulnerable woman? It's worked out OK, but we dc would have wanted her to help us through our grief first, whereas she hit the bottle, then took off with another man who was not interested in a relationship with us.

If you do decide to bring this guy into your children's lives, please please please get them counselling.

OP, my only concerns about this would be that (a) you actually don’t sound that happy about the relationship yourself and (b) whether a decision you made in shock and grief only a few months after such a traumatic bereavement is likely to have been a good one for you, especially if you were drinking — I would worry about the kind of person who would start dating a very shocked new widow who’s had no time to process anything. And its likely impact on the children if you introduce him. I don’t think any of it has any bearing on loving your husband.

I think life goes on, you’ve been through hell, no one should judge and do what makes you happy :)

OP I can see why your initial reaction to your DH's death seemed so bizarre to others and also, it would seem, to yourself. Have you had counselling to help you understand and accept the way that you reacted rather than holding on to these feelings of shame and disbelief that others are unhelpfully endorsing? Especially given the disconnect between how you acted then and who you normally are led to suicidal feelings? I just feel it's extraordinarily cruel for people to burden you with their opprobrium on this matter when as you say you're still very much grieving the loss of your husband and your children's loss of their father. People are very different in their grief and it's not for one person to tell another that they're "doing it all wrong" as it were.

As for integrating the new partner more into your family life after just 18 months of you knowing him, I think it will be very hard going for your children and probably a bit too soon for them. That is not to say that you should keep them separate forever but you may need to give it a bit more time and take things a little more slowly, not just for their sakes but yours too.

Some posters on here are acting like you’re debating bringing another man into their lives after 2wks. I’d gently approach it with your kids and go slowly.

Hi OP, I dated a man who had lost his wife in awful circumstances so wanted to offer a view from “the other side” - I was his first relationship after his bereavement, he was very reluctant to tell his wife’s family but they were very supportive when he finally did. Are you on good terms with your PIL? Perhaps they will be more supportive than your own mother.

It didn’t work out for us, and apparently it’s quite common that the first relationship after bereavement is a bit of a practice run. So don’t feel that this man must be The One.

We talked about his wife a lot; he loved her, his kids loved her and that was part of the package.

I'm upset by all the judgement you are facing here too.
Sounds to me like you psychologically 'stuffed' all the trauma down deep and went partying just to keep your head out of facing it. People manage shock and trauma in different ways. Your kind of shocking death experience has probably led you to a bit of PTSD and flashbacks

Two years....absolutely fine. Just take it really carefully. Four kids might give you the strongest judgement yet, and they will react differently from each other as well x
Good luck!

You seem completely naieve and in denial as to how much damage you did during that time. A few months of looking after them recently won't undo that.

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new. And we all know men are often quicker to start dating.

You need a reality check. But I don't think you are yet ready to hear this.

You've been through a really difficult, traumatic experience. I think if you can find something that makes you happy then you should do it.

OP, I posted a thread here a while ago about mentioning a deceased partner to a new partner, and I was horrified by the amount of vitriol in the responses. Lots of people haven't lost a partner, and have no understanding whatsoever about how it feels.

Don't take on board the judgment on the thread. Lots of it isn't even about the question you asked. Everybody is different and what's right for you wouldn't be right for everybody, and that's fine. Let yourself be.

Wow I’m shocked by all of the judgement here.
OP I’m so sorry for your loss and the trauma and I am happy that you have found someone else that you believe you can have a lovely relationship with.
I remember reading many years ago about how a healthy relationship with the deceased often meant that you could get over the grief faster. Personally I would want my husband to move on as quickly as possible back to a state of happiness if anything happened to me!
It would be worth getting counselling for yourself and your kids as it’s true that they might not feel the same way that you do. However I am sure that if they don’t already, they will realise in time that your partying etc was a reaction to the sudden shock. Be kind to yourself, but also try to be kind to your mum who is probably worried about you and also judging you by her own standards. Has she met your new partner?

Personally I would want my husband to move on as quickly as possible back to a state of happiness if anything happened to me

I'd say the same. If you actually love your partner, what you would want for them after your death isn't about your ego, it's about their wellbeing. I'd like my partner to be in a healthy relationship, whether it's with me or not, whether I'm dead or alive.

OP I think your reaction while initially grieving was very normal.

You needed an outlet and were able to do so thanks to support. So what if it wasn't a perfectly healthy way of doing it, as all the vultures on here imply

There's nothing you've said here that indicates your DC will experience any detriment from this new relationship, as other posters have said introducing anyone new is always hard.

Take it slow, and be happy

Lovely to read all the judgemental comments from the non widows on here.

OP I was widowed at 33 with young children. Hand on heart I also drink too much once kids on bed and I even (GASP) left them with a babysitter once or twice a week so I could meet friends and not feel like my life was over. I also held down a professional job, learnt to drive and took the kids to Disney - all in the first year. My husband died, I didn't, we had to LIVE.

The average time frame for a male widow to date is 6 months, with re-marriage at 2 years. No one judges them as the poor menz cannot be expected to manage without a woman but if you're a woman you get MUCH more judgement.

Your timeframe is fine. And I'm sure your kids are very well cared for. A bit of early days evening drinking won't have affected them.

Non widowed posters need to come down from their ivory towers, unless you lived the living hell of suddenly losing your spouse and being left to pick up the pieces you don't get to judge, you really don't.

Non widowed posters need to come down from their ivory towers, unless you lived the living hell of suddenly losing your spouse and being left to pick up the pieces you don't get to judge, you really don't

Absolutely this.

@Youcunnyfunt

There are some seriously judgy posts here, please ignore them!

I think because you have kids, you need to take that into consideration above anything else, so you really need to dip your toes in slowly. I wouldn’t do anything drastic or any big shocks like announcing a boyfriend or moving him in. Could you introduce him to your friends, and then the kids meet him as a friend, in a group of your friends, then slowly bring him into your circle to see how they react so you can guage when it would be best to tell them it’s a romantic relationship. I just think you need to be careful and have conversations with them over a period of time about how they’d feel about a stepdad, and everything that comes with that. Get them used to the ide first before dropping a bomb on them.

This. I think your reaction (the partying etc) was totally understandable, perhaps not the best for the kids but the horror of what happened meant you were trying to block it out, plus prove to yourself that YOU were still alive.

I think it would be a great idea to get some counselling around the fusion of your two worlds, and take things slowly, I’m not sure what conversations you’ve had with the kids on the topic of your partying phase but it feels important that you do that, in an age appropriate way and explain how it happened, and apologise each of to them if that feels appropriate.

Good luck, OP, do take things slowly, it’s hard when other people (your Mum) want to stop you building a new life