New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

@WaterBottle123

Non widowed posters need to come down from their ivory towers, unless you lived the living hell of suddenly losing your spouse and being left to pick up the pieces you don't get to judge, you really don't

Well said.

Wow, everyone went straight in there with the guilt didn't they?
I lost my partner and had to put up with mutual friends treating me like a scumbag for DARING to think about dating again.
They weren't there for me when I was a mess, crushing loneliness and struggling to cope, but fuck me did they have something to say when I sought company.
It's difficult, but try to ignore them, they have no idea whatsoever what you are going through, you get through it in any way you can, and if you've met someone special already, good for you!

To everyone attacking OP immediately about the kids (she's addressed this...)
You can't pour from an empty cup.
The pain is almost physical. Stop trying to make her feel worse by taking care of herself so she can support others. She's not a bloody stepford widow

Not quite the same as you OP, but a friend lost her husband (sort of expected). She was dating again (someone she knew already), in three months. People judged, but she held fast. Three years later, still together and it's great to see her so recovered.

To the people that are judging you, offer them your shoes to walk a mile in.

I haven't read the whole thread, I found the judgmental posts at the start of the thread quite upsetting considering what OP has been through. My first thought was to tell OP that her friends will be happy that she's found some happiness, but seeing what others have commented maybe that won't be the case.

I hope the people criticizing OP are thanking God that they aren't walking in her shoes.

My heart goes out to you OP, grief is so difficult. I'm glad you've found someone, I'm sorry your mum is saying what she's saying.

OP you've been through hell, how dare anyone judge you?

Whatever the circumstances of meeting this current man, you've now been seeing him fir a while and have got to genuinely know him so there is nothing wrong with thinking about integrating him more into your life.

So you’ve found happiness now only 2 years after loosing your DH. That’s a huge achievement that should be celebrated. Your period of self destruction is very normal. What isn’t normal is how well and how quickly you’ve come out of it whilst still grieving. Well done. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. The only thing that matters now is how and when to sensitively introduce this guy to your kids.

Non widowed posters need to come down from their ivory towers, unless you lived the living hell of suddenly losing your spouse and being left to pick up the pieces you don't get to judge, you really don't.

Another voice to add to the "This!"

This is one of the truest statements I have ever seen regarding close bereavement. I found it was the least supportive people that took issue with my timescales too.
The ones that would pretend not to have seen me in the street in case my grief was catching. The ones who thought I should be over it now because the funeral was done and dusted. The self absorbed nobbers.

Your posts are all about you. Although I'm sure you love and are concerned for your DCs they seem to be secondary to all your worries and lovelife. I would think the partying time they did not get much support for dealing with their DF's death. Then 6 months in you had a new bf.
I think slow down a bit. Ensure DCs are ok. Bringing in someone when they are still upset might cause long term relationship problems - long term ie for the rest of your life!

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread. I'm so sorry about the terrible experience of your dh's death. I lost my dh suddenly and traumatically almost 4 years ago now.

I have to say that your 'drinking and partying' doesn't sound very unusual or extreme to me. The night before my husband's funeral i put out a distress call to pretty much everyone I knew that I did not want to be alone, and I had 30 people rammed into my house chatting and drinking. That's what it was like for some time - I wanted the healing company of my friends and family and that didn't involve sitting with a cup of tea wearing black, I wanted full blooded life. I'm sure some people judged me but I didn't give a crap then and I don't now. Of course there were quiet times with ds but he was a child - he jumped into and out of grief and needed his own friends and not to have to support me.

My sex life was another thing- just to say that I started sex dating within a year of my dh's death because I was unable to cope any other way. It may have been a dysfunctional coping strategy but as dysfunctional coping strategies go, it was one of the most enjoyable. I'm now seeing a nice man and ds has met him, though I am going very slowly on that front - he certainly won't be moving in any time soon.

Try not to hear your mother's words as judgement- from what you're saying she is just telling you how she feels about her own situation. Before dh died I would have said the same, that I wouldn't have bothered with another relationship, because all LTRs are hard, especially when your partner is ill and needs you very much. But when it actually came to it, my wishes were completely different. Why not just ask your mum a bit more about what she means?

Yes I would spend time talking to your kids, especially the eldest, and I wouldn't rush to integrate your worlds too quickly. But you're not doing anything wrong.

WAY was no good for me im afraid - I found that nobody seemed to be grieving the way I was. I have a friend who lost her husband very young 12 years ago and she still considers herself married, in love with her husband etc. That seems to be more common in WAY. Its not wrong either.

@CommonPersonLikeMe google the blog Forever 39, it is an open blog on Facebook. I stumbled upon it through friends on FB and very loosely know the family.

She describes being in very similar circumstances and her journey through the last few years. It may help you to see that you are definitely not alone.

Actually, I think a few other posters could do with reading it too. Finding new relationships doesn't suggest that you have forgotten or didn't love your DH, it just confirms that you are human, with years ahead of you.

@PermanentTemporary sending out a distress call at the hardest time of your life and having 30 people turn up brought a tear to my eye!

@CommonPersonLikeMe firstly I want to send you a massive hug and 💐
My father died in almost the same circumstances, my Mum performed CPR on the phone to emergency services but knowing he was already gone.
Grief is so personal and how no one can judge how you react. Cruse (if you’re in the UK) is a fabulous organisation who can offer counselling and support from none judgemental people.
I really wish you well, no one except you knows what is right for you and your family in regards to a new relationship. All grief is valid but losing a spouse is up there as world shattering. Much love and support x

Op I'm not one to judge as I thankfully have not been through what you've been through, but my overall thoughts from reading your posts are that you really need to take a breather, and to take some time out for yourself (and your children). Counselling, exercise, head space, hobbies, days out and nights in with the dcs, but all for yourself and nobody else.

If this new man is worth it, he will respect that. There is no rush to jump into a new relationship yet. It's great you've found someone but fgs do take it slowly. It really doesn't feel that long since the March 2020 lockdown. It will be worth in in the long term for your dcs' sake.

@YourenutsmiLord

Your posts are all about you. Although I'm sure you love and are concerned for your DCs they seem to be secondary to all your worries and lovelife. I would think the partying time they did not get much support for dealing with their DF's death. Then 6 months in you had a new bf. I think slow down a bit. Ensure DCs are ok. Bringing in someone when they are still upset might cause long term relationship problems - long term ie for the rest of your life!

You sound like OP's mother.

How very unhelpful of you.

Very happy for you op. Just take it at your own pace and I wish you every happiness. There's no right or wrong as to how fast things happen, sometimes you meet the right person quickly, if he's kind, loving and understanding of your situation then why not?

Your posts are all about you

Yes she came here to find some support for herself. It's not unreasonable.

I would initially talk to your eldest and then sit the rest down and tell them you have met someone who makes you happy but they will never replace their dad etc

@CommonPersonLikeMe

If someone had told me before that my reaction would be what it was I would have laughed in disbelief. I'm certainly not laughing now and find myself crying with shame, guilt, fear, grief, anger and every emotion in between

Kindly, stop prioritising your relationship with your BF, and prioritise your relationship with yourself first. My husband died almost four years ago, and whilst I didn’t go “off the rails”, I definitely made a few choices that seemingly offered me respite from the constant wall of grief I was facing. It wasn’t until I had bereavement counselling, both singly and with my kids, that I was able to focus clearly, and realise that actually, I wasn’t ok.

At the very least, you need to ascertain your kids’ views regarding you being in a relationship, before you spring it on them. You need to be led by them, and them only - ignore your mum’s opinions.

I feel the death of a partner is different to the death of a parent.
In a lifetime you can have many partners (that were loved) but you only get 2 parents who are irreplaceable.

Your reaction to grief was your reaction and no one on this thread or RL has the right to judge or comment.

Your mothers opinion, on not seeking out another partner after the death of her husband (when that happens) will also be many older women don't want a relationship after 70/80 as you're potentially signing yourself up to be someone's unpiad carer in a relatively short time.

You do you, but be aware your children have lost a parent, not a partner so may need more time to adjust to the situation so maybe just integrate him in your social life and hold off from the family integration just yet.

@Undecidedandtorn

You have been through the most awful time and I think it's great that you have found someone.

This 100%. I can't understand why anyone would think differently.

Unless you've been in the same situation how can you criticise the OP? Really????

To the people judging, here’s the thing. What do you think that keeping the memory alive actually achieves? Let’s be honest here, and this is genuinely not meant to sound insensitive to anyone who has suffered a loss, but when someone dies, they’re gone. They’re not coming back. No amount of waiting is going to change that, life has to go on, and in truth it has to start to go on from the time that person has gone.

Now that doesn’t mean that friends and family should be telling the bereaved it’s time to move on at the funeral, but the friends and family are not living the life of the bereaved. It’s been two years. so she was casually seeing this man after 6 months. And? She hadn’t involved her children at that point. It’s not like she had him staying over within weeks (I know someone who did exactly that,) she has been allowing herself to have something for her and it’s no-one else’s place to judge that.

For people who spend the rest of their lives in mourning, the only people who are affected by that is them. The living have to go on living after loved ones have passed away. That’s a part of life.

I have a life limiting illness, and I have told my DP in no uncertain terms that if I die then I sure as hell wouldn’t expect him to grieve me for the rest of his life. In fact I’d be mightily disappointed if he didn’t find someone else. I admit that I was a bit at his manager telling him while I was in ICU that he shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on and finding someone else because that was really normal, except I wasn’t actually dead yet, but if I’d died and if I do in the future then I’ll be gone and there will be nothing to be achieved by mourning my memory to keep it alive forever.

OP this is your life. You have a right to live it.

Gobsmacked by some of the early responses here so have stopped reading. No one else can judge how you reacted and certainly it’s not for anyone else to say whether it’s ‘too soon’. You’ve been through a horrendously sad thing - does living in miserable loneliness make it any better for anyone?? Of course not. If you’ve been lucky enough to find someone else, good for you.

I would also like to offer a perspective as someone who father died prematurely. I wasn't a child but I was a very young adult.
It was hard for me, of course it was, but it was clearly and obviously far harder for my mother. I would have been more than happy if she'd had another relationship that made her happy, unfortunately that didn't happen for her.