New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

While I understand that you’ve gone through a lot you need to understand that your kids’ grief will not be the same as yours. Aa long as you’re prepared for a negative reaction, particularly from your older children who held down the fort while you grieved, and listen to them (and don’t rush moving your bf in) then it should be ok to introduce them.

@MaxNormal

I would also like to offer a perspective as someone who father died prematurely. I wasn't a child but I was a very young adult. It was hard for me, of course it was, but it was clearly and obviously far harder for my mother. I would have been more than happy if she'd had another relationship that made her happy, unfortunately that didn't happen for her.

My DH’s aunt remarried six months after her DH died when DH’s cousin was in his early teens. The trauma of losing his dad, welcoming a new stepdad, and school etc is something he’s still coping with twenty years later. He has major abandonment issues now, grew up trying to force himself to be independant because he couldn’t trust his mum, and for a long time felt that if he died his mum would replace him just as quickly and so he blamed her a lot . It is significantly different losing a parent as a child than an adult - OP needs to make allowances for them being kids and tread really carefully. Provided she does and she listens to them and prioritises them there’s no reason why she can’t introduce them to her dp.

Ignore all the judgy bastards. Many people go off the rails after a death, and you pulled it back. Talk openly to the kids about this time and let them express how it was for them. Take any criticism on the chin.
As for meeting someone else, I regularly tell DH if I die he absolutely must find someone else to be with as he is quite a loner and I would hate to see him all alone. 2 years is more than reasonable. However the 6 month part would be very upsetting for the children.
Do they know about him? (kids are far more astute then often given credit for). If so that will be harder.
When you decide to tell them give them lots of time before you actually introduce your man. Remember they will all feel differently. Sound out the eldest first and then the others.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways and absolutely no-one has the right to judge anyone else for how they deal with it. You were grieving in your own way, it’s done now, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.

YANBU at all for having a new relationship. Some people take years before they can move on, others are ready sooner. As long as you’re sensitive to your kids’ needs and take things at a pace that suits them I think it’s fine.

Everyone judging you needs to mind their own business. It’s your life, not theirs.

Wanted to add my experience as the child in this scenario. My mum died when I was 14. My father started dating again about 15 months later. I was genuinely happy that he had someone who cared about him and could give him support that I couldn't. Yes there were hiccups, mostly due to my father not thinking some stuff through, (however my stepmother handled it admirably) whilst I established my relationship with my stepmom. They are still together nearly 30 years later. Talk to your eldest, or have a full family chat (you know the best way to do this with your children) make it clear you're not replacing their father but that you need adult companionship. Do make it slow and steady (my stepmother was already known to me so this made it more straight forward for us) Everyone grieves differently and you've been treated harshly by a lot on here. Your mother is talking cobblers btw!

YANBU. The right time is whenever it feels right for you. We're not in the Victorian where there were social protocols around mourning.

I lost my partner very suddenly 14 months ago, and I envy you. But I know it's too soon for me, although I desperately need to have some fun.

There seems like a lot of judgement in your life from people who have no idea what it’s like to be in your position.
It’s your life and your decision to make. If you worry about what your mother and friends are saying it may cloud your own judgement.
You know your children best. Talk to them, explain how you feel and ask them how they feel about your new partner.
Also if you aren’t sure about merging your 2 lives just yet then maybe the time isn’t right.
No bad thing will come from waiting a little longer and it’s likely that, with time, you’ll be able to make a decision that you feel confident with.

I would say go for it. But slowly. Introduce him as a friend at first
Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for.
At 39 you are far to young to be alone for the rest of your life
Good luck!!

I'm glad you've found happiness after that trauma and I hope you can forgive yourself for going off the rails, it doesn't sound that unusual a reaction. It also sounds like you're really considering your children in this and only you can decide how and when is best for them to meet the new guy.

One thought I had about your friends judgement, might they be wary that he is an element of your self destructive months that's stuck with you, and that your self destruction isn't fully over? It sounds like you consider him to genuinely be a good guy but they might not know that yet.

If they're being judgy about you dating again at all then they can just piss off.

I’m in a similar situation (widowed with young kids).

Ultimately there is no right or wrong in terms of moving forwards with your life. My concern for you, is that with the cluster that has been the pandemic, it may have been a distraction which has helped you to bury a lot of your feelings which you may need to work through. I’m a strong believer that you can only be part of a healthy couple, if you’ve done the work on yourself and your own trauma first.

With the kids, I think you need to be careful that they don’t tell you they’re ok with you having a new relationship, when in reality they’re not. My kids and I have had some really honest conversations about this now that they’re a bit older and both of them have said that if in the future I meet someone they want me to be happy. But, they wouldn’t want to have someone move in and have it feel like their dad is being replaced, which I completely respect.

While the kids are young, I feel that their feelings about this are a priority as they’ve been hurt so badly they deserve the space to heal without a new figure being thrust into their lives. If my husband and I had split up rather than him dying, I don’t think I would feel so strongly about this.

Anyway I’ve rambled but my general advice is to really think about whether you and the kids are ready to move forward. It may be that you need to keep your relationship separate for a while longer.

Go for it OP. Ignore the trolls and idiots who frequent this board looking for any opportunity to stick the knife in.

I joined an online widows group when my DH died and the behaviour you experienced after your loss was fairly common, from memory I’d say about 15-20% met someone quite quickly ( it’s more common for men than women) Lots of women drank far more than normal. Bereavement messes with your head big time.
One of the friends I made met a widower and they married 10 months later. As she said, they’d both known devastating loss and how short life could be. They’re still together 8 years on. On the other hand I cannot bear the thought of ever kissing another man —- and my DH died 10 years ago.
What I’m trying to say is everyone is different. There’s no right or wrong, just different.
Your personality might be more impulsive, more extrovert than mine which is very introvert.
As your DH died less than 2 years ago and died suddenly ( huge trauma for you, never underestimate the effects of shock) I’d say leave it another 6 months and then introduce gradually and slowly.
Wish you well, everyone deserves to be happy and you know what a long, happy marriage felt like, of course you want that again.

I think your friends and family know you better than anyone on the Internet op and seemed concerned. 6 months after losing someone is no time and I'd question someone who would get with a widow after a short period of time. It sounds like alot of the care of the younger children fell on your eldest whilst you went drinking. Your friends and family sound concerned for your dc they are still young and grieving and had alot to deal with especially the eldest. I'd keep him separate for now. Its interesting the responses as there was a thread a week ago where a woman got with a mam who lost his wife within a couple of months she was roasted for it and judged for it being too quick not thinking of his girls but when it's a woman who's lost her husband people's attitudes to them moving on are different.

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

But how the hell did you manage all that partying and drinking while looking after 4 young-ish DCs. Not great for them, and their need for you being around

Unless you've been there you shoudn't judge.

OP, please ignore the judgy posts from people who haven't been through this. I was widowed at 35 with three young children. I was so devastated that I did go out a lot following his death, never intending to meet anyone else, just to blank out the depression of lonely evenings. Friends and family were supportive. I met my second husband about a year later and married him a few years after being widowed. What people who haven't been through this fail to understand is that you do not stop loving your first husband, the second is in no way a "replacement" and that finding him is more a compliment to the successful marriage you had than anything else. We all only have one life and have to make the best of it, whatever fate throws at us. Of course children need attention and support but having a wonderful new partner will help you achieve this. I've been married to my second husband for many years now. He has been a great father and grandad, and although my children still use his first name rather than "dad" (out of respect to their father) the grandkids are his and they adore him. Good luck for 2022 and the rest of your life!

@CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal

Gobsmacked by some of the early responses here so have stopped reading. No one else can judge how you reacted and certainly it’s not for anyone else to say whether it’s ‘too soon’. You’ve been through a horrendously sad thing - does living in miserable loneliness make it any better for anyone?? Of course not. If you’ve been lucky enough to find someone else, good for you.

Given the OP asks "did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?" I think it's reasonable for people to answer her question.

Personally I feel that starting a relationship so soon (six months!) after the previous one is a little uncomfortable given they'd been together for twenty years. Once you're in a long-term-and-ideally-forever-relationship, with children, it's weird to be forming a replacement relationship so soon.

It sounds like a typical "rebound" relationship, albeit in different circumstances to usual. The OP suddenly has a huge hole in her life, at first she tries to fill it with drink and drugs, realises that isn't helpful and moves onto the next "logical" step of filling the hole with a new partner.

It's a standard behaviour pattern, it's not "wrong" it's just human nature to do this. The trouble is, the rebound relationship is often not the best one. The person rebounding is desperate to fill the missing piece in their life and is more interested in that than in the quality of the piece that fills it.

Nobody can tell the OP what to do, but I think she should consider this relationship very carefully. It would be wise to avoid dating for a good few years, that way she would learn how to cope with life on her own.

It is early in my opinion but nobody bats an eyelid when men do it so why the double standard for women? You'll do what you think is best and you know your children better than we do. At this moment in time your mum needs to keep the judginess to herself and support you and her grandkids. We don't get to control the lives of adult children you can make your own judgements and your own mistakes.

Grief affects us all in different ways and lasts as long as it does, for many it ebbs and flows. Noone has the right to judge your grief and you don't need to apologise for your behaviour. Best of luck op. x

I was widowed around your age after being with him for similar length of time but I don't have kids
I'm now married again. Met now 2nd husband after about 3 years. When I told my family I'd met someone they were relieved that I wasn't going to be on my own forever. It hadn't occurred to me that they were concerned about that
When I lost my first husband, what stopped me looking for someone else for a long time was the thought of going through all that pain again. But then I got to the point where I thought if I live until say 80, that's 40 years on my own.
You do what's right for you and your kids. It's not for anyone else to judge

Take things slowly OP and be kind to yourself. If dc are older have a chat with them and ask if they would like to meet boyfriend.

OP, I was widowed at 35, and I would caution you to slow down a little.
Two years post bereavement is still very early, and I doubt that you are anywhere near finished processing your shock, grief and loss.
Diving straight into another relationship is almost a form of denial, or a panic response to the distress of being alone. And we rarely make good decisions on the rebound, or while seriously upset and traumatised.
This man might turn out to be a good partner for you, but he might not.
Don't rush it. Have some counselling, work through your grief properly, and if this relationship is good it will be worth waiting a little longer before merging him with your DC and home life.
Be prepared for your DC to be potentially angry, to feel that you have forgotten and replaced their dad. It will need sensitive handling.
I never remarried after losing DH. I am still alone 30 years later, despite two brief unsuitable relationships early on. They were the result of fear of loneliness, and wanting a father figure for my DDs - neither could possibly have replaced DH, who remains my soulmate.
And I eventually realised that and accepted it. As a Christian, I hope to be reunited with DH at my death.
I am not saying that you too should remain single - just that you need to take time to grieve properly, and to be very sure that this new partner is right for you. Best wishes for your future happiness, either with or without a partner.

I am so sorry that you lost your DH at such a young age. Your mother and friends have said some very hurtful things. Who knows how any of us would behave in those circumstances?

I can’t imagine how I’d cope if I lost my DH. Sadly, I lost my own DF when I was in my 20s, so I can see things from your DC’s point of view too.

Have you spoken to your eldest daughter about how you behaved at the time? Going forward, I think it’s important to address what happened and not gloss over it. You sound like a very caring mum, so you may well have apologised already and mended this bridge.

When my Dad died suddenly, it was devastating. My DM completely changed. She did as she pleased and thought only of herself. It felt like I didn’t just lose my Dad, but I lost my Mum too. Overnight I lost the security of having a family home and parents. It affected me deeply. I felt completely lost and alone. I also had the burden of an unpredictable mother who acted more like a child.

She met someone else two years later. Despite me telling her that although I was happy for her, I didn’t want to meet him, she turned up with him unannounced. She’s also take him to family gatherings as her plus one without prior warning. It was upsetting for everyone to see them together because we couldn’t help but think that it should be my Dad standing there, not him. Also, he might have been one of many (he wasn’t - they’re still together) and I certainly didn’t want to meet every man she dated.

They’re still together and everyone has completely accepted them as couple. She deserves to be happy, and so do you.

However, my relationship with her has never been the same due to her selfish behaviour.

I don’t think you’re selfish at all OP, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here for advice. Tread carefully though, especially where it involves your DC.

I say grab the opportunity with this man. These opportunities don't come often ....

It sounds like you've had a really tough time 💐

Recognising your destructive behaviour is the first step to changing it and it sounds like your there.

What your mum said was really unhelpful. Everyone deals with grief differently. Have you considered any form of counselling? It sounds like your doing great, but this may help you on your journey.

@CommonPersonLikeMe

I'm not sure if my mother realises how much it hurts when she says things like that. I am not a very confident person and ted to just take the comments on the chin, almost as if i deserve them.

Maybe this is a golden opportunity to increase your confidence by starting to practice refusing to take it on the chin.

"Mother - I'm the bereaved woman here, not you, & it's hard to hear nothing but disapproval when I needed support & affection."

"I'm sorry I didn't throw myself on his burning pyre to satisfy your sense of decorum. I'm sure you'd have preferred to boast to the neighbours about me committing sati, than allow me a second chance at happiness."

You'll soon get yourself expert enough to deliver what she actually deserves - "fuck off you judgemental old cunt."

Same goes to PP here who had the temerity to scold you for going off the rails. People turn to alcohol/drugs for many reasons - if they could 'just stop', they'd do so without being preached at by the sanctimonious.

You experienced a terrible trauma which the disapproving ones obviously don't have the imagination to conceive of, & you went off the rails for 6 months. Big deal. You're back now, & as the head teacher confirmed, your kids are doing fine.
I wish you would STOP beating yourself up for a reaction you could not have anticipated, & for not being able to do Performative Widowhood for your mother & her stupid neighbours. Let me tell you - you do NOT deserve your mother's comments. Tell her so. You might be pleasantly surprised: it might make her wind her sour neck in.

@CommonPersonLikeMe

sparepantsandtoothbrush my mother is very traditional and often says things like "oh when your father dies I wouldn't take on another man for all the money in the world" I don't think any time frame would be acceptable to her. She seems to think that being a widow is for life.

In some cultures, women who are widowed are expected to be largely in morning for the rest of their lives...

However, I believe it is different if you're widowed at 90 or very young.

Everyone deserves to make their own choices.

Im older than you, I've told my partner if I suddenly died, I'd want him to find someone else. He says the same for me too.

Your mum soubds vile with her comments