New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

Shout out to all the widows on Mumsnet- there's quite a lot of us!

I will not be commenting on the 'too soon' or whether he's the right guy or any of that stuff. That's all very personal to you and fine by me.

I would have a think, though, about how you want to approach this with the kids. I think you need to start up some conversations, both with the older and the younger ones (sounds like you have an age spread) about all kinds of things- their dad (which it sounds like you do brilliantly), dating and meeting someone else, what life might look like if you did that, how they would feel, what types of things they are concerned about- and that takes time.

I wouldn't rush to have him over for tea, let's just put it that way. You might find a couple of kids are fine with it, one might not be. They might need counselling or more conversations to work out how they would feel. They might think they would be fine with your new guy and then feel really angry when he actually turns up. Somewhere for them to talk, preferably not you (e.g. counsellor, teacher, auntie perhaps?) and then talk with you is what's needed here.

Presumably they know you are in a relationship if you don't have anyone else caring for them?

So this is more about starting conversations than acting. I wouldn't worry yet about what your actions are going to be til the conversations are up and running.

I know my teens are delighted I'm dating again, happy if I meet someone- but would really not like anyone to move in, for example. Our home is our 'safe space' during what has been a horrendous few years and no-one wants to rock that boat. That's fine with me as I don't want to live with a man right now anyway!

If you had asked me this 2 years ago OP I would have responded much like your mother.

However, a good friend of mine died 2 years ago, in an unexpected death. I would be delighted if their wife found a new partner who would make them happy! My friend would have wanted that too.

Kids is a bit different. After my ex left I didn't introduce any one to my kids for several years, it was a very traumatic separation for them and I felt responsible for their emotional well being. I had relationships, just kept it separate for a long while.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP, you deserve happiness.

Your grieving process is faster than others because you live with it all day, every day. Every aspect of your life has been affected. Family only feel it at family events, maybe once a week or month or however often you got together. So they process it slower than you do.

Such a valid point.

When I was seven our beloved family cat died. About six months later my parents were talking about getting some new kittens. I got really upset and said that I was worried if I loved a new cat, it would mean that I couldn’t have loved the old one. I remember distinctly my mum saying “there’s not a finite amount of love: you’ve got the capacity to love an infinite amount of people”. That’s always stayed with me.

Now, I’m not for a second comparing your husband of 20yrs to my cat, but the sentiment stays the same: love is not like a huge of water that only has a certain amount in it. You can love your new partner and still love your husband. You can love your new partner and still miss your husband.

A friend of mine lost his wife in harrowing circumstances. He was remarried within 18months. Many people raised their eyebrows at this and were quite mean; I always thought that was unfair. The human heart isn’t a mechanical thing with a set of instructions to it; love is complicated.

Ignore your mum and listen to mine instead @CommonPersonLikeMe. I’m glad you’ve found some happiness.

@MazzleDazzle

Your father when you were in your 20’s, an adult and she met someone else, after 2 years. Mine died when I was a teen so probably 10 years younger. Can you not see you’re judging your mother in exactly the same way as op’s mother is judging her?

I don't think your situation now has to be related to your poor coping mechanisms after the shock of your husband's death. Those were a shame but you have acknowledged that and hopefully you have talked to your children about how sorry you are that you weren't better able to support them in those early days.
But no one can say how long it "should" take to meet someone else. For some people it will never happen; for others it will happen quickly because the right person will come along sooner. I have an uncle who remarried within 2 years of being widowed (with young children) and whose family remains close and supportive (although his late wife's parents never forgave him); I have a widowed friend with young children who took 9 years to meet her next husband; I have another who says they'll never marry again/have another partner.
There isn't a right or wrong approach to this in terms of timing - just be very mindful of your children's feelings and be kind if they struggle with it. Your mother is not being kind - ensure that you don't do the same so if your children are struggling then acknowledge that and ask how you can make the process easier for them etc.

I think it’s past time for anyone judging you to sod right off. You’ve been through one of the worst things in the world and the only thing that matters is you and your DC. Nobody can tell how they’d react in that situation.

Is there some sort of bereavement charity you can talk to who can advise you on the best way to introduce this man into your life in a way that doesn’t upset your DC?

The timeframe in terms of finding someone wouldnt concern be but Id worry a little about you in terms of you, your grieving and relationship with you children. No judgement for how you dealt with the death of the man you d spent half your live with, it happening right as lockdown started must have made it so so much more difficult for you, but that 'checking out' imo took a year out of that grieving process so emotionally im not sure you are that far down the roadvthe your DHs second anniversary next month would indicate if that makes sense? Also given tgat the woman the new man met was behaving very differently and had different prioriries to the woman you are now id be inclined to take things v slowly.

Oh @CommonPersonLikeMe my heart breaks for you. There is no right or wrong way to be, you've had a lot to deal with. Have you had counselling? I really think this could help you in coming to terms with things. I don't think grief ever goes away, we grow and develop around it. And loving and grieving for your husband does not preclude you from loving someone else. It is a shame your mothers' view is so...ridged hopefully over time you can bring her around to the need for you to continue to live. Counselling might also help you navigate how you tell your children. A close friend of mine got together with a widower and one thing I found interesting was how his late wife's parents accepted his new partner. Late wife's mother was really pleased - both to see her SIL happy and with a new partner and that her grandchildren now have a mother role in their life. Late wife's father was initially very rude and distant...and then one day he sought my friend out and apologised and said how sorry he was for the way he'd been and actually broke down and cried and said it was hard for him seeing a woman take his daughters place and he felt angry that she'd died so young...but he realised that wasn't my friend's fault and he could see how good it was for the grandchildren having her in their lives. Good luck x

@Mummyoflittledragon there’s so much more about my mother’s behaviour that I haven’t gone into. Looking back, she wasn’t a great parent before my Dad died so how she behaved afterwards only exacerbated things.

I think you should carry this relationship further , but slowly . I would also talk it over with your older DC. There is nothing wrong with meeting someone else after a spouse died . I lost my DH when he was 57 and we had been together for 40 years and like your DM , there's no way that I would want another man . Not because I wouldn't want to replace my DH , but because there is no way I want to be washing his socks and smalls .
Do want you need to do and ignore people criticising your decision.
Why shouldn't you have a second chance of happiness? Good luck . I hope it all works out well for you.

OP. I lost my husband when I was 30 and he was 42. Please PLEASE do not beat yourself up for going off the rails a bit. People who are judging you probably have not been through what we have. It is a massive and shocking loss.

It's a good thing you have found another relationship. It's not too soon if this is what you want.

I think you deserve to be happy and if you've got the chance of it, you should grab it with both hands.

Life really is too short.

Please don’t introduce your BF as a friend, kids aren’t stupid they’ll see right through it. It also sends the message you should be ashamed of having a romantic relationship. You shouldnt

@DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes

When I was seven our beloved family cat died. About six months later my parents were talking about getting some new kittens. I got really upset and said that I was worried if I loved a new cat, it would mean that I couldn’t have loved the old one. I remember distinctly my mum saying “there’s not a finite amount of love: you’ve got the capacity to love an infinite amount of people”. That’s always stayed with me.

Now, I’m not for a second comparing your husband of 20yrs to my cat, but the sentiment stays the same: love is not like a huge of water that only has a certain amount in it. You can love your new partner and still love your husband. You can love your new partner and still miss your husband.

A friend of mine lost his wife in harrowing circumstances. He was remarried within 18months. Many people raised their eyebrows at this and were quite mean; I always thought that was unfair. The human heart isn’t a mechanical thing with a set of instructions to it; love is complicated.

Ignore your mum and listen to mine instead @CommonPersonLikeMe. I’m glad you’ve found some happiness.

Great post!

@Oblomov22

You seem completely naieve and in denial as to how much damage you did during that time. A few months of looking after them recently won't undo that.

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new. And we all know men are often quicker to start dating.

You need a reality check. But I don't think you are yet ready to hear this.

@Oblomov22 tell me what was the point of your post except to stick the boot in? The OP woke up to a dead husband you’re a fucking moron if you think she should easily go into Mary Poppins mode during the grieving process.

Also - immediately 😂😂 i don’t think that word means what you think it’s means

I started dating 6 years after my husband died after a long illness. My mum was horrified I'd taken off my wedding rings. I think she wanted me to be the grieving widow for ever which I thought I would be. I'm older than you (48 when husband died and late teens kids)

I drank a lot when he died and was miserable. I know other older people who have lost husband at same age as me and are so lonely. I didn't want to be that person.

I have a friend whose husband died after same illness as my husband and she started dating after 2 years and now 4 years on is still together with him

There is no "right time" nor proper rules. I'm sure you feel bad for how you behaved after your husband died but grief is horrible and painful and we all do stupid things. Just keep your kids in the forefront of your mind but enjoy yourself.

I'm getting married in 4 months and my mum is mow delighted. My kids will walk me down the aisle.

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new.

Umm - no - you wouldn't be hurt...

@Bananarama21

I think your friends and family know you better than anyone on the Internet op and seemed concerned. 6 months after losing someone is no time and I'd question someone who would get with a widow after a short period of time. It sounds like alot of the care of the younger children fell on your eldest whilst you went drinking. Your friends and family sound concerned for your dc they are still young and grieving and had alot to deal with especially the eldest. I'd keep him separate for now. Its interesting the responses as there was a thread a week ago where a woman got with a mam who lost his wife within a couple of months she was roasted for it and judged for it being too quick not thinking of his girls but when it's a woman who's lost her husband people's attitudes to them moving on are different.

Except the difference is TWO YEARS

@MorningStarling where has the OP said she took drugs??? I think you’ve made that bit up dear

Speaking from my own experience as someone who lost a parent in early adulthood, I had the shock of my life and all my grief resurfaced when I was told my father was seeing someone.

I want him to be happy and I certainly didn't want him to be alone for the rest of his life, but I think being eased into the prospect gently would've made the situation much easier on my sister and I.

If he'd eased us into the prospect of dating, it would've been much easier than the shock of knowing he'd already met someone. It felt like losing our mum all over again and that she was being replaced. Would've been easier to stomach if not for the shock. Gently and gradually is best.

Oblomov22, did you leave your empathy in a glass beside your bed this morning? Is that really a sensitive thing to write given the OP found her DH dead beside her?

I would want my Dh to find someone new. How soon is too soon? Who knows. I wonder how soon my teen sons would think is too soon. If you read earlier posts from children who lost parents young, damage is done.
How soon? Clearly different strokes for different folks.
I wouldn't want Dh alone and sad. I'd prefer it if he didn't find someone before i was cold though. Not over a cucumber sandwich, consumating it at the actual funeral, preferably not.

Sorry. I missed that bit. The bit about finding him beside her.