New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

Does your mum know how much guilt she laying on you, while you are grieving? She might not know what she is doing, unintentionally.
It’s not wrong or too soon to date, if you feel ready. Just make sure you are in it for the right reasons, and that it is right for you.

OP join WAY - widowed and young. They have great Facebook groups, including one for widowed and dating. You will get much more thoughtful advice and support there from other people who have a similar experience and understand the pain and disorientation of becoming a widow at a young age.

I'm not sure if my mother realises how much it hurts when she says things like that. I am not a very confident person and ted to just take the comments on the chin, almost as if i deserve them.

sessell Thank you, I will definitely have a look at that group. I can do with all the support I can get at the minute

My granny was widowed at 54 and stayed in her own till her death - 45 years later.
Very sad.
Her son - my dad was widowed at 43 .
He met his 2nd love 2 years later and they were together for over 30 years , till his death.
Op - don't be alone.
You've done nothing wrong

Maybe a good goal for 2022 would be to forgive yourself

Your response isn’t unusual at all, so please don’t be too hard on yourself

Oh God OP that is rough.

You have had to endure what I hope and pray is something I'll never understand and have to go through and losing your husband suddenly at such a young age and with young children is more than I even want to try and imagine.

There is never a time or appropriate length to leave before starting a new relationship with someone whether it's someone as young as you or someone in their 70's or even 80's that has found companionship and a little ray of hope and happiness again.

That your Mum is trying to blag you down and guilt trip you is appalling - I'm amazed you haven't already given her the business and ripped her into next year. Not defending or excusing her behaviour but I'm assuming she is from the older generation and lives in a world where woman should marry and lay with one man and one man only and if / when he dies, you should spend forever grieving horrendously and going nowhere without a black net covering your face.

I'm being facetious of course but in the same breath – I'm also aware and have met people like that.

It's easier said than done and will take a while for you to get enough up and tackle the shitters with confidence but God in Heaven woman - you have been afforded the blessing of a second chance at happiness and you deserve it, should take it and stop second guessing, questioning whether you're doing the right thing or not. If it's what feels right for you and this guy makes you happy – it's right.

You are not doing anything that takes away what you had with your husband and the father of your kids. Your kids may well surprise you and be more adult about the whole thing than most adults.

Don't beat yourself up, dwell and feel guilty for having dealt with your loss by just going off the rails and doing things you'd never normally do because your situation was and is by no means "normal" or comes with a standard manual and textbook.

You had a blowout, you met someone that sounds like a decent guy and you absolute deserve to let him into your life and not feel bad.

My advice would be still take things nice and steady away, speak with the kids about it in a casual way they will be able to understand (wouldn't have a sit down and make it a thing I find kids are way smarter and more resilient and come up with the most incredible shit when you're just chatting in the car or putting out recycling)

The kids need to know none of this changes things and how they feel about their Dad / means you love him any less which I'm sure is the case already. Their feelings and thoughts do count and need hearing out of course but I think given time and if things are taken slowly, they will possibly come round a lot sooner than you think. They also deserve to be happy and are absolutely entitled to like and welcome him too.

Once the kids are aware and have had chance to get their head around it / meet this guy casually over a McDonald's or whatever, you can tackle and take things at a pace to suit you and from that point on – nobody else's opinions, thoughts, comments and remarks are worth a shiny shit.

Honestly I think anyone including the arsehole comments on here already that really thinks you're doing the wrong thing is either just bitter and unpleasant by nature or not quite a full set.

Let yourself be happy. This is gonna be the year for you to start picking up and starting over and you can be happy.

Giving you some daffodils cos they make me super happy when I see the little green shoots appear that says Spring is on its way

I want updates on this so please keep us posted.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't diss yourself for anything you've done. It's your grief and your reaction. Talk.to.people.so.they.understand.
While your children are cared for
by you that's great. Please always put them first you second. How does anyone have the right to judge you as long as you still provide a secure home.
It's your life. It's your personal grief. As you will know life is precious. Don't ever disrespect yourself or your loved ones.
Not that I'd know but I wish you strength and happiness and nurse the grief when you need to just don't hurt anyone particularly his memory or those that loved him too.
I hope you find peace in your heart.

Thanks again to you all for taking the time to comment.

Such judgemental comments! There is no right time...just when you feel ready. My friend's mum died when she was 2 and her sister 4. Her dad remarried after 6 months to her mum's best friend! They've been together for 40 plus years!! They have a framed picture of her mum up and both talk about her and keep her memory alive. My friend is happy that her dad had someone and that someone also loved her mum and understood the pain that her dad was going through. Love is complicated and loss is painful. Do what feels right for you and your children. Ignore what others say! Big hugs to you xx

I'm surprised at some of the judgey responses here. Who knows how any of us would react to such a sudden loss of a spouse? I know when I experienced a traumatic experience in the past I threw myself into partying, drinking and some really reckless behaviours. It's a coping strategy at the end of the day. Yes you have children, but you're a human too. You need to learn to forgive yourself, it sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time over it.

Some people have no idea what it’s like to lose a life partner. This probably isn’t the best forum for advice. There’s some lovely people in WAY who will have been through a similar experience, such a good organisation. Glad you’re open to giving them a try as I would say that is more appropriate to what you need.

And be kind to yourself. Ignore the judgmental people.
There is no need at all to feel guilty. You coped in the immediate aftermath, you’ve started to heal, your kids are doing alright. You deserve love and intimacy, you’re young! Go out there and have a great life.

@Freecuthbert

I'm surprised at some of the judgey responses here. Who knows how any of us would react to such a sudden loss of a spouse? I know when I experienced a traumatic experience in the past I threw myself into partying, drinking and some really reckless behaviours. It's a coping strategy at the end of the day. Yes you have children, but you're a human too. You need to learn to forgive yourself, it sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time over it.

What I was trying to say. Clumsily. ♥️

My kids are my number one priority, hence the agonising over whether or not to introduce this guy in to their lives. I am aware of the trauma they have already endured in their short lives and the last thing I want is to cause any more pain. One thing I have learned though is that when I am happy and fully functioning then by default my kids are happy too.
We talk about their daddy every day, just in small funny antidotes or stories from when they were babies.
Life is so precious and we never know when our time will be up. I intend to move forward this new year without any regrets and try to forgive myself for mistakes I made in the past.

My mother was widowed at a relatively young age - I was in my teens.

We all loved my father very, very much, but I really do wish she had been able to move on. She has been single ever since, with no interest in dating, and is now in her mid-70s.

It makes me sad.

PinniGig I had to laugh at your description of my mother because it is spot on
She is very religious and I think she means well but I just don't have the mental energy or desire to argue with her.
I know for a fact that if DH is looking down from wherever and listening he will be telling her to butt out, in not very polite terms either

Some self righteous judgy people here. Wow. One person said for you to take a step away from the relationship just to make sure that you have your head on straight and thats the best advice so far. Make sure your kids are ok and if your head is on straight, integrate him nice and slowly, like you would after a divorce.
Don't punish yourself for grieving. How you grieved was normal for you and your situation at that time. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. We live and learn.
As for everyone telling you that you are not parenting your children and you should be grieving in a more pious way, tell them all to go fuck themselves. Are they paying your bills? Are they giving you the emotional support you need? (on here not your mum and friend. Tell them, what your intentions are and that they either support you or shut up)
This is 2022 not pre first world war ffs, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to move on. Needing to move on.

It sounds as though you are taking things slowly op, and grief impacts on us in different ways. Don't beat yourself up for how you responded to that trauma in the early days. 2 years in I don't see any harm in gently starting to introduce your partner to your children and the rest of your life. I would second joining widowed and young as well. You will get support from people who have gone through similar trauma and advice on how to start moving forward with that.
Best of luck op.

How fucking date people judge you???!!!!

I am horrified by your family and friends and the fucking judging posters in here, and really, really angry, and you should be too.

It has been shown many times over that those in happy marriages are more likely to find someone quickly. The hurt they are suffering is the loss of a partner, not a betrayal etc like is often the case in divorce.

Please remember you deserve to be happy and your love for your new partner does not in any way diminish the love you felt for your husband. Your grieving process is faster than others because you live with it all day, every day. Every aspect of your life has been affected. Family only feel it at family events, maybe once a week or month or however often you got together. So they process it slower than you do.

You deserve happiness again and two years is plenty of time to leave before turning over a new page of your life’s book.

Your mum sounds like she is more afraid of what others will think than your happiness. Could your sisters intervene and tell her to butt out?
Good luck OP

In their admirable book, "Coping With Grief", Val and Dianne McKissock note the kind of behaviour that so shames you now. It's far from uncommon. What they say is that if your own account of your feelings and motivations satisfies you, that is all that is needed. If you are still unhappy about it, counselling would be useful.

The very circumstances of your DH's death are called traumatic bereavement, not worse than others as it's no ta competition, but very special.

The one thing I noticed was that you said you were still grieving and have complicated feelings about your partner's death. I'm not suggesting that you have to be over it/moved on because I don't think it describes the feelings of the bereaved when they meet a new love, but what you say argues something very raw and I wonder if this also needs to be explored, for your own sake as well as your new chap.

As for the critics, both in your personal life on on this thread, stuff 'em. You deserve a chance of happiness. I'm going to say this, I notice not one widow has come on to say you're being dreadful. I was suddenly and expectedly widowed myself over five years ago, and the shock was frightful.

All the best to you the future, CommonPersonLike Me

[thanks}

Your mum is really unreasonable and unkind talking to you the way she has. Your response isn't unusual. The drinking and partying may have been self destructive but you've managed to move on from that phase. Casual relationships after a loss can be distracting and comforting, neither of which are bad ways to help cope with grief (though, I'm sure you've found, not sufficient by themselves).

It's great but also, I think, a bit unusual that you were fortunate enough find someone at the beginning you could be casual with for 18 months who you also, now, find to be worth going a bit deeper with.

So my only caution would be to perhaps talk to a counselor. Explore your feelings a bit. Because it does sound like you got with your DH young and then once alone again found this guy and stuck with him. Just a check that you aren't falling into this because you're now looking for something more and he's easier/not so scary/etc than trying out a few more men.

Introducing someone new to your kids will always be tricky. I think you just have to go slow, play it by ear and be responsive to their feelings. Though I don't think you should let them dictate whether or not you can have romantic friendships, you might need to go a lot slower or keep things more separate than you'd ideally like.

CommonPersonLikeMe, you might want this thread moved to Bereavement. AIBU does just what it says on the tin, not always what is needed in such circumstances as yours.

@CommonPersonLikeMe

PinniGig I had to laugh at your description of my mother because it is spot on She is very religious and I think she means well but I just don't have the mental energy or desire to argue with her. I know for a fact that if DH is looking down from wherever and listening he will be telling her to butt out, in not very polite terms either

Would he say something to her that sounds similar to “Oh fet gucked!!” ??

I bet he would

People are being absolutely awful to you, I'm sorry

Grief is a very complicated process to go through and experienced differently for all. You dealt with it the best you could at the times. Do not feel guilty l, it is in the past

A friend of my husband's died suddenly about 2 years ago too just before lockdown. I'd be so happy for her if she found someone new to support her and the kids as it was devastating for them all and I hate to think how lonely she must be, especially battling with lockdowns. I think your family and friends are not ones to judge. Do what makes you happy but introduce him slowly and carefully. You may find anger from the children but understand they are in their own grief cycle & you need to support & honour that. Are you all getting any bereavement counseling to help with this at all