New Relationship after the death of Spouse

[CommonPersonLikeMe]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to deal with the reactions of my family and friends regarding my new relationship.
My DP died very suddenly 2 years ago leaving me and our 4 DC devastated. To my absolute shame I initially dealt with the pain and loss by drinking, partying and basically acting in ways that are completely out of character for me. About 6 months in I met someone and we started dating very casually.
At the time it was for me at least just a distraction and did not relate in any way to my feelings for my late husband. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like a parallel universe.
Anyway over the past year or so I have come to realise what a good person he is, how he has helped me cope emotionally and it has become more "real" in the sense that I can now see a possible future for us.
So far I have kept my normal everyday life and my life with him completely separate, which has been difficult at times. I have now decided that I would like to try to integrate both of my worlds. Things like meeting the kids and nights out with my friends etc, all of which I have previously refused to do.
The problem is that my parents, in particular my mother is making me feel so guilty that I am questioning myself. She says things like well you cant have loved DH that much since you moved on so quick. A few friends too have said things like you my not be grieving still but your children are.
The fact is I am still grieving and the emotions around it all are complicated and complex. I am 39 years old and was with my DH for 20 years when he died.
AIBU? Did I move on too soon and when would have been the right time frame for all this?
Please be kind as I am feeling extremely fragile due to Christmas.

Really disgusted in some of these posts.

Who are you all to judge? Everyone copes, acts differently.

You do what you need to OP this is YOUR life. If this man makes you happy and helps you see a happier future you go for it. No one can comment, you are still young for goodness sake, just because you want happiness does not mean you didn't live your DH i hope that if i died mybhusband would find happiness.

After all a happy mum is the best thing for children.

My mum passed away still young last September, we did everything together, i cared for her the last months of her illness and the end. I haven't reacted the way i thought i would and i couldn't of lived that women anymore she was my world.

Be kind to yourself please, look after you and kids and everything else will fall into place

Wow! The judgemental pricks of Mumsnet are out in force on this post, aren't they? So you went a bit mental after suffering a huge trauma. And maybe you weren't thinking straight. But I am sure your kids will forgive you and want you to be happy. And sometimes, good things come from bad. Please don't let people kick you when you're already down. If you think your new partner is a keeper, do what YOU think is best and start getting your kids used to the idea of someone new. Just take your time and it will all work out. Good luck!

OP, I once read that people who were happily married tend to move on more quickly than people who weren't.

My ex left me to come out as gay. I know it is not the same, but it felt very much like a bereavement. The man I thought I was married to 'vanished' almost overnight and I felt bereft.

I met someone else very shortly afterwards. We were both recently separated and of the few people who who knew about us, more than one said it was too soon, we were just propping each other up in a difficult time, etc. I felt so much shame/guilt at falling for someone so quickly that I broke it off. What would people think of me? (OK, it was a bit more complicated than that, but that was a big part of it. My ex wasn't out yet, I thought people would think I'd had an affair).

Anyway, the new man and I kept in touch and we got back together about 18 months ago. We are really good together, but integrating our lives very slowly. Not least because both our exes introduced new partners to our respective children very quickly and neither of us wants to burden them with more change, too fast. When we first met, it probably was too soon for both of us, but that doesn't mean that the relationship was/is the wrong one. I can see why people think you were vulnerable, but perhaps your partner is just a very caring person who felt a connection and wanted to support you. Relationships are so much more nuanced and complex than a post can convey.

Your mum is just wrong, in my opinion. And quite cruel, really.

I don't think it's a good idea to keep the different areas of your life completely separate, but that doesn't mean you have to merge them fully either. It could also be positive for your children to see that you can find happiness again after a loss. I also think it's been helpful for my children to meet my new partner occasionally. They know who it is I spend time with when they're not around, so they don't worry about me being alone or who I'm with, but they also know that my time with them is my time with them and there is only a little overlap between these two parts of my life. I hope to increase the overlap a bit over time, but definitely no plans to blend.

Good luck with finding the right balance for you, your partner, and your children.

Shout out to all the widows on Mumsnet- there's quite a lot of us!

@OnwardsAndSideways1 we should start a group of there isn’t one already!

@AlternativePerspective

I would be very very hurt if my now Dh immediately started dating someone new. sorry but I am somewhat at this statement. You really wouldn’t be hurt. In fact you’d be oblivious. Because you’d be dead.

Well yes. There is this.

Fortunately I have never been in your shoes, OP, but I have often heard that the widows and widowers who remarry are the ones who had a good loving relationship first time around.

I have also heard that grief as a widowed person often takes the form of out-of-character behaviour, such partying and even promiscuity.

I really like the idea of a Mumsnet Widows group where we could ask for advice and basically bounce ideas off each other that we would normally do with our late husbands/wives/partners. Would the bereavement topic be the best place for it?

I will do something that I never usually do and start a thread for all of us affected by the death of a spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend. I will post a link to it for anyone interested in using it as a place to vent, a sounding board or just a place to feel normal

Widows, Widowers And Everyone Welcome

it is a thread I just started in the bereavement topic. Hopefully we can move our conversation to there free from judgement and full of hope for the future.

Only you and your late husband know the love shared. Obviously I don't know you, and I've never met him, but wouldn't he want you to be happy?

Not many people get a 2nd chance to be happy. Be guided by the kids, and go at their speed, but I say go for it. Best of luck to you x

I just wanted to add my voice of support OP. You have been through a nightmare but still managed to keep everything together. None of us know how we would respond after such trauma so ignore the critics (including your own inner critic!).
From experience I suggest you find a counsellor do you can talk through what happened. Otherwise the trauma is likely to derail you. Counselling would also help you make sense of where you are now and strengthen your resolve against your DM's opinions.
This man may be the one - just take it slowly and it will become clearer. And if not him there be someone else for you to share your life with in future. You are doing nothing wrong and I'm sure your DH would want you to find happiness.
Your DM sounds joyless but that is her life not yours. She will be in part the product of her upbringing. Don't let her upbringing and approach to life dominate yours. Your life is your own.

Those people who are saying they wouldn't be happy if their DP moved on quickly - you do realise you'd be DEAD so would not have the ability to feel either happy or unhappy?

OP, I commend you for what you have been through and you sound like you are taking a sensible approach to matters. I don't actually believe there is such thing as "being disrespectful to someone's memory". It is about the living - those who remain and how best they can continue to live their lives - i.e. you & your children.

Wow! I'm pretty sure the OP already realised that???

@Muddlebubble

You are right some people on Mumsnet are living in the 1950’s

I'm going to head over to Bereavement and say hi! being a widow is a complicated old business, especially when you are young. People say very weird things to you! See you over there.

Absolutely agree with @Arabelladrinkstea

You deserve happiness, I'm sure your beloved husband would not want you to be miserable and lonely. You're still so young and should have much to look forward to.
Obviously spend quality time with your children and look after them, but also allow yourself to have fun and adult company.
Your mum doesn't know how you feel, she can't and I would remind her of this.
Wishing you happiness in 2022.

Well said @Pinni

I lost a partner many years ago. No children, but my reaction was similar - drank a lot, went out, partied, slept with a few unsuitable people. Got into another relationship quite quickly - it lasted a few years but not forever. Looking back I think it was a way of feeling "alive" and living, in contrast to the unexpected death. It didn't meant I didn't love my partner, but it was a very weird time. I missed him, obviously, but I missed "me" as well.
Someone told me that in elderly people, especially re men, it's the ones who have been happily married who move on the quickest and get re-married. They were happy with what they had, and want it back.
Don't beat yourself about it - it sounds like it part of the process you needed to go through, not a stage you're stuck at now. Well done for moving on, wishing you happiness for the future xx

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

But how the hell did you manage all that partying and drinking while looking after 4 young-ish DCs. Not great for them, and their need for you being around

ODFOD.