To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

And although you don't technically need an invite to go I would feel that I was imposing on a family during a difficult time.

@maddening

I would never go to a friend's relative's funeral unless I knew the relative well and/or was asked.

If not asked specifically I would not go and hang around in a car park outside a funeral.

Hanging around in a car park ? Somehow you've managed to make it sound a bit grubby.

I'm amazed that so many people wouldn't go to a CLOSE friends parents funeral. If they are that close, you have usually met their parents anyway at least once have you not?? Maybe thats because I'm from a small town... I would be very very hurt if my friends had not come to my mums funerals - in fact I couldn't have forgiven them unless there was a really good reason

I didn't go to my friend's mum's funeral. She has cut all contact with me since.
It was a week day and there is no way my LA employer would have given me time off. We have very rigid policies, that just about include our own family members never mind the parents of a friend.

@MrsWinters

You wanted her to stand in a car park in January? She can’t support you from outside? So I’m not sure what you wanted apart from to show a ‘good turnout’

We had 10 at the graveside on a cold day Our only service was at the graveside People stood on the pavement as we drove to the cemetry My friends were in the car park at the cemetery It meant the world to me

@maddening

And although you don't technically need an invite to go I would feel that I was imposing on a family during a difficult time.

That’s the difference between Irish and English attitudes to funerals — here you’re not ‘imposing’ on a family at a difficult time, you’re doing something entirely ordinary and expected to support them at a sad time. It would be vanishingly rare for there to be an invitation — local radio in rural areas announces funeral times and places, as do local papers, and rip.ie.

YANBU, though this is mostly because she seemingly knew your mother quite well.

When my MIL died during the great freeze of 2010, my manager from work walked through the snow from work to the cemetery and stood in minus 20degree cold with mourners at the graveside. He had never met my MIL. He didn’t know anybody else there but me. That’s just the done thing in NI

I've inly ever been to a funerals that has had "invites" (nobody sends you an invitation but you are told the date). But it seems like the culture is different and she should have known the etiquette. Could be a cv19 miscommunication or something else. Might be worth to check in on her and see if she asks something when you bring up the funeral.

Hanging around in a car park ? Somehow you've managed to make it sound a bit grubby.

Agree.

Honestly? This thread is not making English people come off well. Somehow a bit clueless / unfeeling / emotionally stunted. Not all, of course.

Dh (English) worked in Scotland for a short time - when the mother of one of his team passed, a local pulled dh aside and told him he was expected to go to the funeral, he was really glad someone had understood it wasn't a done thing in England but in Scotland, it was very much expected. He went of course.

@NeverTalksToStrangers this resonated about the Covid rhetoric being an issue-she was keen to stress that her bro had much more severe symptoms than she did, (I believe he is vaccinated, she isn’t). Perhaps the breezy response & acting like I would somehow know she had symptoms was a bizarre deflection attempt. A while later she messaged to say sorry she should have said the day before that she couldn’t come & doesn’t know why she didn’t & is there anything I want & she’ll arrange asap.

Yes she is a counsellor, not solely grief but does counsel on it apparently @borderlinehappy You’re right, it’s not the first time she’s behaved seemingly selfishly & avoided discussing the issue - I find the lack of self awareness strange at best given her profession. I do enjoy her company & we have a long history. I’m usually loyal to a fault but even if I somehow got past this, I’d be constantly worried about how unreliable she would be if I ever needed her, (I’m not a remotely needy friend normally but last couple of times she’s let me down & it stings). What’s the point in having a friend who isn’t there when you need them? Why wouldn’t you just send a text? Will still give it some thought. I don’t think it was deliberately malicious but I don’t know how else to explain it.

This thread has helped cement how I feel about the issue & I’m so grateful for all the opinions. An upside is that I’ve realised how much the people who did show up mean. I’ve had a hard road nursing my my with 3 brothers, who have all mightily pissed me off through the last few months in their own ways but I guess it has still brought us all closer. I have a lovely black & white photo of my parents in their younger days, so going to get copies made tomorrow for each of them & my uncle too maybe.

@mournerone I’m sorry you experienced that. Some people are really shit with death & illness but they’ll know when it comes to their door.

Sorry to anyone else who is grieving too. I hope you can draw on happy memories to give you some comfort.

When my dd died a teacher from her primary school came to her funeral and sent a Mass Card. She hadn't seen dd for years. Also, several employees from DH's work came some of them had never met dd.

Yanbu op xx sorry about your mum I lost mine 4ontha ago and a few people very close to me have not mentioned it at all

I posted her when my mother died 4 years ago, my friend didn’t come to the funeral or wake, could have even called to the house, even telephoned and I’d have been happy. Nothing!

I was told I was unreasonable for being upset. She blamed it on her husband. Our relationship never recovered, it was always just weird after that, strange atmosphere

@DDMAC

I posted her when my mother died 4 years ago, my friend didn’t come to the funeral or wake, could have even called to the house, even telephoned and I’d have been happy. Nothing!

I was told I was unreasonable for being upset. She blamed it on her husband. Our relationship never recovered, it was always just weird after that, strange atmosphere

Are you also Irish? If so this is particularly odd behaviour.

Covid has changed how we treat death a lot, even in Ireland. We had a wake for my dad but a lot of people just came into the garden, which was 1000% understandable, but I also know my mum was a bit offended by it. Like we had the plague or something (when none of us tested positive). But 4 years ago? Just rude and bizarre.

Buckeejit, I want to send you my sympathy for your loss. And I am also sorry about your brothers and their unhelpfulness. I have been in that position and I think a lot of other people have been, too. It is very aggravating when (I am guessing this what happened) certain siblings check out when they are most needed, and you want to be mad, but you also don't want to lose them.

@NeverTalksToStrangers we are also Irish, I understand why your Mum felt offended - my Dad died during lockdown - the house was supposed to be private but people came to wake my father, loads of people came and we couldn't turn them away - I didn't know half of them. So many came that they spilled out onto the front of the house, over two days no one wore a mask - I have no idea how it all continued without a visit from the Police - I had accepted that we would pay the £10,000 fine if required - it was the only way I could cope with the whole thing. People lined the streets on the day of his funeral - they dressed in suits and smart clothes to show their respect and support. People I hadn't met since childhood turned up to support me and share my grief and memories of my Dad - they stood outside the church because numbers were so limited - they all waited till the end to show their support - there was much hugging and consoling - I dreaded the impact of the whole event on Covid but we were fortunate that it didn't turn out to be a spreading event, nothing stops people in Ireland from paying their respects it's so much a part of the culture.

Yes Irish, but the funeral was prepandemic so I can’t say it could be anything to do with that. She literally lives 5 min drive away and her sister in law rang me from the U.K. some kind of a check in would have been nice from the person who a week before was telling me I was her best friend 🤔

@DDMAC that is very upsetting. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't chased my 'friend' I wouldn't have heard from her either.

Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in some people I think.

I also think that there is more to friendship than how a friend, or even a relative, performs on a certain occasion. Sometimes people just don't shine at certain moments. They can have a hard time dealing with death. Or, with a certain person's death. It can trigger fear or sadness or denial in them. It is hard to go to funerals for some people. Sometimes, the more you love someone, the harder it is to go to someone's funeral. On the other hand, my mother made my father's funeral private because my ex sister-in-law loved funerals and making a huge drama of them. And she was under the very mistaken impression that at my father's death, she would somehow inherit a large sum of money (which nobody did, except my mother--and she certainly never will, since she is a much hated ex, anyway). Is there evidence that your friend is a caring one in other ways?

Yes some people definitely aren’t good with funerals, but that doesn’t stop them at least sending a message or reaching out in other ways.

I dreaded the impact of the whole event on Covid but we were fortunate that it didn't turn out to be a spreading event, nothing stops people in Ireland from paying their respects it's so much a part of the culture.

I'm sorry for your loss @logoutnow, but I'm also Irish and that's not been my experience of funerals during Covid at all. I think many people have been so much more careful over the last couple of years. For ages numbers were restricted at funerals and the funerals themselves were tiny. Wakes/removals a bit bigger, but not like pre-Covid days mostly. Lots of people chose not to attend unless they were very close friends or family.

Hoping things are going/will go back to normal though.

we are also Irish, I understand why your Mum felt offended

I also lost a parent during Covid (though not from Covid) and tbh I'd have been a lot more offended if people had ignored the public health advice and just turned up for the funeral. Many of the immediate family (my parent's siblings and their husbands/wives) were elderly and I really didn't want them to be put at risk. These were pre-vaccination days and I felt we had lost enough. I dreaded the thought of one of them getting sick as a result of the (small) funeral. Thankfully they didn't.
I suppose everyone deals with things differently though.