To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

Sorry for your loss.

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine

I'm quite taken aback by the fierce reactions expressed by some on the thread and the rigid expectations they have for others to behave in a prescribed manner.

I love the way that being there for a friend in their time of need is turned into ‘rigid expectations to behave in a prescribed manner’.

Most thinking/feeling people want to be there - they are not subscribing to ‘expectations’.

I’m not Irish, nor English.

But I would unquestioningly be there for a a friend if I possibly could in these circumstances.

Of course, you can reject that expectation. There is no actual law. But you can also be sure that most people would judge you for it, unless of course you have a (I’d suggest ‘very’) good reason not to be. And in which case, you’d do the simple and easy courtesy of letting them know that you couldn’t be there and express another way of sending your sympathies on their loss.

‘Expectations to behave in a prescribed manner’, indeed….

It reads to me as if some people are suddenly realising how their past behaviour (or they way they would fully intend to behave) is being perceived. And it’s quite an eye-opener.

And again. Why the the anger directed towards a differing perspective?

Your "reading" of my post is judgemental and incorrect.

I was reflecting on my experiences as a bereaved daughter whose parents died within 10 months of each other just over a year ago.

Friends supported me in many ways. I felt no hurt by those who didn't attend their funerals.

I’m so sorry for your double loss @LublinToDublin.

If you had friend who both didn’t turn up to your parents’ funerals - and also didn’t turn up in any other way, or apologise for their complete absence (and you were OK with that), you’re a much, much (much) better person than I am.

@Craftgirlx

I find a lot of these responses shocking to read. Of course YANBU! I’m Scottish and it’s very much the norm to go to funerals to support the bereaved. Regardless of covid, you would have expected her to be there. In my town, people would line the street to pay their respects as the hearse and family cars passed on the way to the cemetery. The streets would be full. Many would also go and stand in the cemetery at a distance to the family as you cannot stop people from being there. I could not imagine not having the support of my friends at family funerals or not going to support them in return. Some of these replies seem so cold.

I don't recognise any of that in the Scotland I grew up in. I wasn't even allowed to go to my granddad's and papa's funerals when I was 15!

I’m so sorry for you loss OP

YANBU. I’m another NI MNer and agree she should have been there. It’s about respect and support for the family. You stand in the car park or (as has happened in our area many many times in the last two years) park the car on the funeral route and stand in a gateway watching it pass. You turn up.

I'm from an Irish family living in the U.K. so I totally get that you attend all funerals unless you have a good reason not to. So I'm going to assume your friend had (what seemed to her at least) a good reason not to be there. Given the situation with CoVid in NI atm it might just been that she didn't want to expose herself to risk particularly knowing that the limited number of mourners meant there was no chance she would be able to approach you or hug you or otherwise support you. Or she might be isolating or had a very heavy period...or anything really.

Or it could just be that she is a totally selfish bitch - but that seems unlikely given that you say she has gone a lot further for other funerals.

Whatever the reason I hope you can resolve it. It would be a shame to lose 30 years of friendship.

Thanks @RussiasGreatestLoveMachine I really appreciate your condolences.

I'm honestly not a "better" person than you or anyone else.

I commented on another thread the other day about funerals in which many commented about direct burials with no service. I wouldn't have wanted that for my parents but respect that is what others choose.
Between these 2 threads, there has been such a spread of views and it illustrates how individual we all are. I think its so interesting and helpful to read differing views and experiences.

The services for my parents - and perhaps even more so, the process of preparing the content of those services - were massively important to me and my immediate family. Those attending, less so.

I accept that I might feel differently if I'd been brought up or live in a different culture. But maybe not, who knows? I just hope the OP doesn't lose an otherwise good friend.

Sorry direct cremations not burials

Was there live streaming - she may have “participated” from home.

I think her comment that she was “hoping to be there” was telling - I think she had other plans over the New Year bank holiday weekend that she wasn’t going to disrupt. This would have been an indicator to me - especially on a Sunday as unlikely to have an immovable appointment.

Am so sorry about your lovely Mum.They are so special in many of our lives Unfortunately out of my 10 close friends , four were unable to attend my Mums funeral..all for valid reasons ,but they were and still are fabulous supportive friends .
Hopefully your friend will have'q good explanation.

OP Just read that you are in N.I that adds a different slant, you have the same "rules" as we do in S.W Scotland. Your friend should have been there unless she is has covid or is dying herself in which case flowers should have been sent and she should have called you this morning. In England funerals aren't such a mine field as they are here. I understand how hurt you are, let her be the first to contact, after all she has snubbed you and your family.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine Every community is different and some do have rigid rules. A local family i our village is still talked about because the Grandfather didn't attend a funeral decades ago, it will never be forgotten and was seen as a snub to the bereaved family. Even during this pandemic you were expected to line the route and lay flowers.

Sorry for your loss OP
I'm Irish and I would see that as hurtful in normal times, but now with numbers being restricted, she might have feared she was taking the place of somebody else closer to your mum?

I was reading something on line where the police in the UK were apparently ''tipped off'' to a person's guilt because he attended the funeral when he didn't know the person all that well. I thought, well, the gardai wouldn't be able to read a thing in to who showed up to a funeral.

Sorry for your loss OP. Some of my closest friends didn’t attend dd’s funeral (and didn’t send a message on the anniversary yesterday). I know it hurts but honestly, focus on the people that did come to support you. This time is about grieving for your mum.

@LowlandLucky

OP Just read that you are in N.I that adds a different slant, you have the same "rules" as we do in S.W Scotland. Your friend should have been there unless she is has covid or is dying herself in which case flowers should have been sent and she should have called you this morning. In England funerals aren't such a mine field as they are here. I understand how hurt you are, let her be the first to contact, after all she has snubbed you and your family.

‘Snubbed you and your family’ WTF🙄

That is really disappointing that she didn’t come or at least text you that morning with a “I’m sorry I can’t be there but you are in my thoughts” kind of message.

I’d wonder how mutual the friendship really was, to be honest.

Dear OP, gentle hugs at this heart breaking time, your poor Mam, I am Irish and I think that it's abysmal. I would have gone and stood outside to show my support. For people posting that it's unreasonable to expect people to stand outside in the cold shows a level of coldness that I am not used to. It could be a cultural thing as Irish funerals ( particularly in rural areas are very big). It's a mark of respect to the person who passed and their survivors. The friendship is gone. Hmm a counsellor who shies away from uncomfortable situations sounds rubbish. May your mams soul rest in peace

I lost my mum last June really suddenly at a young age & I was in a whirlwind of emotion for weeks after. It was during the height of the pandemic and we were only allowed 20 inside the service. I actively said to people don't worry about coming & that they would need to stand outside etc but actually when we were driving up & I seen the walkway was lined with people I found it really lovely, that people had gone out of their way to stand outside in the rain to support us. It was still a horrendous day but after the service has finished coming outside to see friendly and familiar faces made the world of difference. I didnt know how much I needed them there until they were if they makes sense. I will never forget it. So I can understand why you were hurt OP, but until I was in that situation I genuinely didn't realise how much comfort being there can offer a grieving person. I had heard all the tales of 'they won't even remember who was there' etc. If they are a good friend otherwise I would gently suggest to them that you were hoping they could attend and you still need support. What I will say though is not one of my in-laws attended - none of them. Me & DP had been together for 14 years at that point and they had mostly all met my mum but didnt come. I thought badly of them at the time and still do.

No Ones children should pass before them. Sincere sympathy on your daughters anniversary

I'll add that i am Scottish and haven't experienced the same expectations for funerals as other Scottish people are stating here. I did go to a work colleague's funeral many years ago, but apart from us and his parents and sister, he had nobody else. I've been to my grandmothers' funerals but only family attended, same with my uncle.

Maybe my parents just haven't brought me up properly in terms of funeral etiquette- that is entirely possible tbh as they aren't sociable and don't really think of other people. So I may have missed the expectation to attend funerals of people outside of the family. My DH is Irish and I was surprised when he talked about attending funerals of friends parents.

I am Scottish, which maybe makes a difference, but I think it’s weird. I’d definitely have gone along in these circumstances and have done so.

I do think that in my experience it’s those whom you’d expect to be supportive at these times who can be the worst. And unexpected people can be a godsend.

I'm Scottish and have attended funerals of friends' parents - as they did for me. It's certainly the culture where I was brought up. I can completely understand why the OP is upset. Apart from anything else I found that my friends were the ones who offered me support when I needed it at my own parent's funeral whilst I was expected to offer support to random cousins who had come out of the woodwork (after not being seen for years) and were hysterical

OP, so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing okay.

Def an NI/IRE thing. For those posters who haven’t experienced it before, it is a huge part of culture that tbh is so much of the culture that it’s not really talked about except when you contrast it to others! (It seems to be England with which it varies the most).

Where I am from in NI is a very strong and interwoven community, quite old fashioned seeming maybe to some, but bonds of family and friendships that last sometimes generations are quite normal. I lived in England for a long time so know it’s not always the same.

Also the cultural norm is that we acknowledge and celebrate the dead, and yes, you go as much to support the living as to respect the dead. It’s often not an all day thing, it’s maybe an hour out of your day.

OP, sometimes I think it helps in life to realise that people just let you down. I deal with this these days by just consciously deprioritising people like this. Like, you still like them, they are good craic on a night out, you still like their children etc, but you KNOW that when you needed them or expected them to be there for you, they weren’t, and so there’s no need for you to be over investing in the relationship or running round after her in the future. Think about the people who have really had your back!

Thanks all. Update, I messaged this morning checking if she was ok. She replied straight away & said she's tired & has a rash but that's part of it apparently.

I asked part of what? As she hasn't said
Anything before. Asked if she had tested positive & when she did the test. She said she hasn't tested but has symptoms & her brother & partner have tested positive.

Not exactly a drip feed as was not relevant to the thread but although she is normally an intelligent person, she is a Covid sceptic for want of a better word, she won't take a vaccine & won't test as there's no point in her testing apparently, (she doesn't like the fact that 'they'll' be making money off testing I guess). We've clashed a little on the issue of Covid.

She says she didn't want to bother me in the run up to things by messaging. Not sure why she didn't message in the evening of the funeral or anytime since but now we know.

I appreciate all the points about different cultures etc -I've lived in England & know the unspoken rules there are different, but she lives in this country & culture & has been here her whole life. She counsels people on grief as her job. I'm still agog that she didn't send a short text of support until I messaged her. I will take a few days to think as grief definitely puts a filter on things but I can't see how not to be hurt by the lack of communication here.

It has helped me get it all out of my head by posting here so thank you for all the replies & condolences to all of you that are going through similar losses

Yanbu at all. You're quite right in that for us in NI/Ireland it's an expectation to go to a funeral for a friends parent. I have heard more people not going now though to allow others to get in with covid etc, but it doesn't excuse no message or call. Sorry for your loss