To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

I am sure she had her own reasons for not attending.

I don't think there is any mileage in getting to the bottom of it. It will only make both of you feel worse, and wobble your relationship.

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt on top of the death of your mother.

But I do think you need to accept that different people have different expectations around funerals.

For my family, funerals are important for those who need them or want them to be. They aren't the community event of others' experience. I wouldn't 'expect' anyone to be there necessarily.

It sounds like your mother had many friends and lives she touched and those people were there to remember, grieve and celebrate her life.

Please try not to focus on the hurt you feel- it sounds as if it wouldn't be intentional.

I wonder if it is 'easier' to focus on this hurt and anger rather than the hurt and anger of your grief?

Under the circs.:

• She got the train when she lived an hour away to attend another friends parent funeral.

• she knew your mum for 30 years

• she said she'd try and go

• your mum did lots for her

• she's only 20 mins up the road

YA definitely NBU

It's easier to make excuses for her than to say ''she's been a shit friend here, i'm sorry OP''. I think that's what people have been doing on the thread so far.

I don't think anyone else really 'gets' the whole funeral culture here in Ireland, you attend to support the bereaved not because you knew the deceased

Yes!! This!!

Restricted numbers!

I wouldn't go to a funeral where I had to stand outside in a car park in January either.

I don't think anyone else really 'gets' the whole funeral culture here in Ireland, you attend to support the bereaved not because you knew the deceased

I don't live in Ireland and I would think this way.

BUT

First thing is friends can let you down at the hard times for all sorts of reasons. I've found it's best to tell them how you feel / what you need abs a good friend will try.

Secondly however if she hasn't lost someone herself then she may not have realised how important this would be to you. She may have thought you wouldn't notice. She may have been unwell.

Maybe give her chance to show her support in other ways.

@GreyTS

I don't think anyone else really 'gets' the whole funeral culture here in Ireland, you attend to support the bereaved not because you knew the deceased, it would be unheard of not to attend a friends parents funeral, particularly one you'd known since primary school. I'm so sorry for your loss darling, and yea she's let you down, you're not unreasonable to feel hurt 😔

I am not Irish but this is how I feel. You don’t always attend funerals to mourn a personal loss, you attend to show compassion and support for those left behind. A friend of 30 years who knew your mum, for her firstly not to attend is strange to me but to also not even drop you a message of support…

That is not someone who cares about others very much in my opinion.

Those who cite “not wanting to intrude” or feeling awkward etc. why not let the person let you know.
“I’d like to attend and show my respect and give you some support but I completely understand if you’d rather it was close family only” etc - 2 lines in a text message.
Hardly hard is it.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I hope it turns out your friend was temporarily indisposed etc.

@2bazookas

Restricted numbers!

I wouldn't go to a funeral where I had to stand outside in a car park in January either.

What even someone you’d know 30 years who has done lots for you and for your small community? Plus being a very significant loss to a close friend of yours?

Seriously? You wouldn’t?

Different strokes I guess

Condolences OP

Tbh You aren't going to know unless you ask her.

If she initially said she was going but didn't attend then there must be a reason.

It could be as mundane as she had a funny tummy and thought there wouldn't be a loo in the car park. Also didn't want to burden you with something so unimportant on the day off the funeral. Figured you wouldn't notice she wasn't there as you'd be inside so might say something next time you meet.

She also could just be not a good friend.

Eitherway ask

Sorry to hear of your loss. One thing l have noticed about big challenges in life, is our real friends show themselves (or don’t). She should have made the effort

@buckeejit but yeah the funeral culture is definitely different in Ireland

Did you ask her to come?

It genuinely wouldn't occur to me to go to my friend's parent's funeral unless they asked. My dad's funeral was last April and I didn't ask or expect any of my friends to come, even the ones who knew him

I’ve sadly been to too many funerals over the past two years. Half of them I stood in the car park because of the limited numbers. People lined the driveway up and paid their respects that way. And it was beautiful. Boo how. Cold car park. It’s not about your comfort. It’s not a bloody jolly.

As for my dad’s funeral in November. 2/3 and one of the mums of my very old friends managed to make it. And it meant the world to me that they came.

I suspect she might have had heavy NY celebrations - or went away?

It was odd that she didn’t confirm her attendance straight away - seems she was fudging from the start.

V sorry for the loss of your mother. Concentrate on your family and your own grief process if you can.

My best friend of 25 years didn't come to my mum's funeral either, also NI, it was a week before Christmas and she had a hair appointment booked.

She relentlessly tagged me in hundreds of shitty Facebook competitions "tag 2 friends, like and share" even through the night while I tried to doze and couldn't put my phone on silent for WEEKS leading up to losing my mum. I removed the tag and blocked the scarf shop, or whatever, asked her to stop. I couldn't block my bf, could I, she said it was her way of showing she was thinking of me.

The day we heard mum had 48 hrs or so left, I texted her to ask her to JUST STOP, there was too much going on, I didn't want to win afternoon tea or a matching purse and umbrella. I couldn't have my phone dinging at night.

She composed a text, let her husband proofread it, and sent it at 2am. She rapped and rapped the door to wake me up the day before the funeral because she had a Christmas present for me and all presents HAD to be delivered that day and it would have been in bad taste to exchange gifts at mum's funeral. I asked why she sent me the reply at 2am, she said she had guests, but she didn't want to spoil the party by asking husband to read it with visitors in the house.

The relationship has just fizzled away now.

@TripleSeptic - you poor woman being harassed by this unhinged loon at such a difficult time. Just so shocking. Keep her well out of your life when you are so vulnerable.

As awful as it is for you OP, I think YABU

I would be more than willing to go and support a friend during a parent's funeral if they asked me to but standing alone outside in a car park, in the bitterly cold January weather, with a 20 minute walk to get there (and the same home again) is not what I would class as "supporting" a friend.

You don't know that your friend didn't have a good reason for not wanting to come and stand around outside. Even something as simple as a cold - I am at the tail end of a cold (definitely not covid as I had multiple negative LFTs and PCR) and whilst I am able to get out and about with daily life, I wouldn't want to stand outside in the cold for an extended period of time - partly due to the weather but also because there is unlikely to be anywhere to sit and I know a 20 min walk, time for the service and 20 minutes home without having chance to sit and rest is beyond my energy levels right now.

I'm from a close knit community and going to friends (even estranged friends) parents funerals is almost mandatory, because of so much shared history. Sorry for your loss .

@Monpetitpoisson

Seems odd you want her to support you from a car park ? Can’t blame her for not wanting to stand about in the cold n her own

Wow - really? Glad you aren't my friend.

The moral of my story is, you can know how you'd like people to behave, but they're only going to do what they're going to do.

You can decide what you're going to do and how you're going to react. Maybe she had a reason, or maybe she's a shit friend. What will you do next? Look after yourself ❤️

YANBU - this is unforgivable in my book. Unthinkable. So sorry for your loss

Are you sure she wasn’t there though? By your own admission you are only basing this on a few mutual friends having not seen her & from the sounds of it there were a lot people there to pay their respects to your mum so maybe they just missed her in the crowd.

@TripleSeptic

That is unbelievable and completely callous of her

My DF passed away recently, also in NI and the amount of people who turned up to stand outside the service was amazing, and most of them were connections of ours not necessarily of dads: friends, colleagues of mine came from all across NI, customers of the family business . I was disappointed when none of my husbands family turned up though given that we had supported them thru bereavements of their own so can understand a little of what you feel OP. It’s definitely a cultural thing here that you go to a funeral to support the bereaved, not necessarily because you knew the deceased. I’ve been to funerals of my colleagues parents and siblings never mind those of close friends.

So yanbu to be hurt by her and I would ask if there was something wrong that day.

So sorry for your loss.
My friend wanted to come to my nannas and grandads funerals and I was horrified. I was so pleased that each time that there was a reason she couldn't get out of, not that I would have said no, others may have took comfort in her being there, but I wouldn't. First reason was work and second COVID isolation. She did know them, but not well. I would have found it really intrusive, almost voyeuristic, having friends see me so vunerable. I would never, ever go to a funeral of someone who isn't my own family or close friends. It just feels intrusive.

That said, if you need support you need to ask for it, you cant expect people to read minds, we all have different ways, different boundaries. One person's idea of support could be another person's idea of overstepping the mark.

Very sorry about your Mum.

It would have been a nice thing for your friend to have come, esp in NI I know, but she might have decided standing in the car park was a bit pointless.

It’s disappointing she didn’t text you. But if she is generally a good friend I wouldn’t fall out with her over this, people are different.

I wouldn’t text her about it though - arguments always escalate in writing. Ring her say it was a sad/joyful/whatever day, say you’d have loved her to make it, but you understand re car park and take it from there.

Can’t believe some of these replies.

Of course YANBU. Who cares that it’s cold and she might have to stand in a car park?!

I have a very old friend who I don’t see much of these days and we don’t live in the same city, but who’s Dad had a stroke a month or so ago, and I know won’t be around for much longer. I am already thinking about how I’ll need to take at least a day’s leave and book flights to literally fly in and out for the funeral.

Of course you support your friends when this happens - it’s unthinkable not to.

I’m so sorry for your loss.