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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

227 replies

buckeejit · 03/01/2022 20:02

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 03/01/2022 20:05

Did you actually ask her to come?

Hunderland · 03/01/2022 20:05

YANBU and sorry for your loss Flowers

Tellmeagain · 03/01/2022 20:06

I had the same with close friends not attending my mum's funeral and was desperately hurt. I understand.

Slicedbread · 03/01/2022 20:07

Sorry to hear this, and sorry for your loss Flowers

Is there any chance at all that she could've suddenly become seriously ill and rushed into hospital? Is she usually a reliable person? Would you consider it out of character for her to just not turn up?

Monpetitpoisson · 03/01/2022 20:08

Seems odd you want her to support you from a car park ? Can’t blame her for not wanting to stand about in the cold n her own

Kshhuxnxk · 03/01/2022 20:09

Have you checked she is ok?

ManicPixie · 03/01/2022 20:10

Don’t ask us, ask her.

Laiste · 03/01/2022 20:12

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Honestly i'm not sure i would have come to stand in the car park if that was the only option.

I would have thought she'd have messaged you yesterday. When did you last hear from her?

FangsForTheMemory · 03/01/2022 20:14

None of my friends came to the funeral of either of my parents and I wouldn't have expected it, tbh. Did she know your mum well?

HeddaGarbled · 03/01/2022 20:15

I think I’d be more surprised that she hadn’t messaged something supportive on the day of the funeral, rather than that she hadn’t turned up for a video link in the car park.

Original poster
buckeejit · 03/01/2022 20:19

She had messaged a few days ago to say she hoped to be there.

I would have loved it if we could have safely been allowed the church to be full, rather than having to have people in the car park but that wasn't my call. My mum was very active in the community & church so there were a lot of people who wanted to pay their respects.

I think she can be selfish & that's why I'm reluctant to text her as if it's a breezy 'I wasn't feeling up to it' or similar, I can't formulate a response to that right now & don't feel up to saying directly to her how desperately hurtful her absence is. As she's a non driver i often collect her & always drive if we're going anywhere.

There's a different culture to funerals here in NI than in England-I don't go to as many as most people & wouldn't go to anyone's funeral if I didn't know them well, but she knew my mum for 30+ years since we were at school & my mum did plenty for her.

OP posts:
MrsWinters · 03/01/2022 20:21

You wanted her to stand in a car park in January? She can’t support you from outside? So I’m not sure what you wanted apart from to show a ‘good turnout’

BeyondMyWits · 03/01/2022 20:21

I'm a sobber... I can't help it, it is some sort of auto-response to emotion, so I don't attend funerals (or weddings to be honest) because it's not about me. People have all sorts of reasons.

carlygirly · 03/01/2022 20:21

I have realised over time that different people have very different attitudes to funerals. I haven't been to many (very fortunately) and in some circumstances might feel I were intruding unless specifically asked. Other people I know go to the funeral of anyone they've ever encountered and would see it as disrespectful not to.

That said, it's the lack of message from your friend which is less easy to understand.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks

Mustardfan · 03/01/2022 20:43

I live in England (and am English). I was really surprised when a close friend (of 30 years) suggested I go to her father’s funeral. I’d met him once. I went, of course. I didn’t really realise that going to your friend’s parents funerals was a thing. I was glad I went. I get it now, and will go to others I’m sure. If I was in your shoes I’d mention to my friend how I felt and that I’d hoped she would come. Better than let it go unsaid. Sorry for your loss.

notanothertakeaway · 03/01/2022 20:49

I think it's not always clear what would be expected / appropriate. Sometimes I think its really clear that I should (not) attend a funeral. Other times, really unclear

A friend's mother died recently. I would gladly go to the funeral to show support, but am hesitant in case it seems intrusive

Please don't be too hasty to assume she didn't care

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/01/2022 20:50

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.

I really sympathise. I lost my own DM in July. It really mattered to me that we had as many people attend the funeral as possible. Every face, every person who made the effort was valued. A handful of my closest friends really went all out to support me. I have thanked them all very sincerely.

I am still hurt by the absence from the funeral of 2 cousins (my DM’s nieces whom she had done a lot for over the years). Numbers were not limited and they knew they were welcome. They did not even contact me to express sympathy; no card, no message, no flowers or donation. I received Christmas cards from them both, with no reference to my DM having died, and it really hurt. I have tried to rationalise how I feel and the truth is some people are just thoughtless and, well not particularly nice. It is disappointing. It sounds as though your friend might be similar to my cousins. Being hurt by the conduct of your friend is natural. If she has been a good friend to you in other ways I’d probably not end the friendship on account of this. But I’d leave her to make the next move.

I wish you well in dealing with your grief. It is very hard indeed.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 03/01/2022 20:53

YANBU, op. Really sorry to hear about your mum.

turnaroundtime · 03/01/2022 20:54

@BeyondMyWits

I'm a sobber... I can't help it, it is some sort of auto-response to emotion, so I don't attend funerals (or weddings to be honest) because it's not about me. People have all sorts of reasons.
Oh me too. What is it?? Why are we like this?!
OverByYer · 03/01/2022 20:54

I've never really understood going to friend's parents funerals unless you know the parent?
I'm not saying I am right but I only go to funerals of people I actually knew, otherwise I'd feel like I was intruding.

Original poster
buckeejit · 03/01/2022 20:55

Thank you for all your condolences.

You're right that it's not much of a support standing in the car park. I think I'm so upset though because as a friend I never really ask for anything & I wouldn't think twice about attending the service outside or sitting in a friends car for someone this close. We both live in NI, she is aware of the 'norm' & got the train when she lived an hour away to attend another friends parent funeral.

She's fairly young & fit, it was a dry day & I understand that nobody wants to sit/stand listening to a service, but I feel very let down, especially when many people that weren't as close to me made the effort.

I will leave it until tomorrow & if I haven't heard from her will text to check if she's ok & just play it by ear I guess.

OP posts:
Mamette · 03/01/2022 20:57

I am in Ireland and it would be unthinkable to miss the funeral of a good friend’s parent. Could she possibly have covid? I think you should message her.

Moonface123 · 03/01/2022 20:59

l am very sorry for your loss.
People show their respects in different ways, when my husband died, people attended the funeral but eight years on never saw or heard from them again, where as some didn' t attend but have stayed close by in my life since.

GreyTS · 03/01/2022 20:59

I don't think anyone else really 'gets' the whole funeral culture here in Ireland, you attend to support the bereaved not because you knew the deceased, it would be unheard of not to attend a friends parents funeral, particularly one you'd known since primary school. I'm so sorry for your loss darling, and yea she's let you down, you're not unreasonable to feel hurt 😔

Viviennemary · 03/01/2022 21:00

She shoukd have contacted you. But I don't think it was bad for her not to come to the funeral especially if numbers were restricted.

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