To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

@Tellmeagain

I had the same with close friends not attending my mum's funeral and was desperately hurt. I understand.

Likewise, I had the same thing from a very close friend of decades. I stopped contact with her afterwards as I was too hurt to continue the friendship.

OP YANBU.

@peachgreen It was a harsh inhumane time from the usual send off we offer a loved one. I'm sorry for your loss.

@buckeejit - firstly I'm sorry for your loss.

I would be hurt too particularly if friend hadn't said they couldn't come / hadn't given a reason. I drove 100+ miles to the funeral of one of my oldest friend's mum a few years ago, I also went to the funeral of one of her grandparents. I'd only met her mum a handful of times but I went to support my friend who had lost her mum, and having done all the care for her mum for years had then done all the organisation following her death.

I agree with other posters who say attending a funeral can be as much about supporting the bereaved as remembering the deceased.

My family is Irish Catholic by background, maybe there's something I just absorbed from childhood but when friend's mum died I just asked about funeral arrangements. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't go if I could.

If she has Covid symptoms she shouldn’t and couldn’t have come.

Don’t know why she couldn’t have just told you that.

It’s bizarre to me that she said she would let you know - in NI funerals are usually within 3 days - she would have known what she was doing - so I suspect she had New Years plans that she wasn’t going to disrupt (unless she already had Covid symptoms or at that time knew her partner and brother had and was waiting to find out if she had?)

Thank you @emeraldshamrock. In some ways it was a blessing - I gave the eulogy at his funeral and I'm not sure I could have done it to a full church - but I am so sad that so many of his friends weren't able to be there.

@buckeejit

Thanks all. Update, I messaged this morning checking if she was ok. She replied straight away & said she's tired & has a rash but that's part of it apparently.

I asked part of what? As she hasn't said
Anything before. Asked if she had tested positive & when she did the test. She said she hasn't tested but has symptoms & her brother & partner have tested positive.

Not exactly a drip feed as was not relevant to the thread but although she is normally an intelligent person, she is a Covid sceptic for want of a better word, she won't take a vaccine & won't test as there's no point in her testing apparently, (she doesn't like the fact that 'they'll' be making money off testing I guess). We've clashed a little on the issue of Covid.

She says she didn't want to bother me in the run up to things by messaging. Not sure why she didn't message in the evening of the funeral or anytime since but now we know.

I appreciate all the points about different cultures etc -I've lived in England & know the unspoken rules there are different, but she lives in this country & culture & has been here her whole life. She counsels people on grief as her job. I'm still agog that she didn't send a short text of support until I messaged her. I will take a few days to think as grief definitely puts a filter on things but I can't see how not to be hurt by the lack of communication here.

It has helped me get it all out of my head by posting here so thank you for all the replies & condolences to all of you that are going through similar losses

There's a lot of this goes on with covid deniers and antivaxxers. If something doesn't fit in with their rhetoric they ignore it. In this case, she didn't even bother telling you why she wasn't there. You had to text her. Even her response. Ugh.

My dad had been in hospital for 2 weeks when he caught covid. He wasn't a well man, getting progressively worse but not dying yet. I knew he wouldn't survive covid and had been saying that for a year. It was my worst fear. I was so relieved when he'd had his first vaccine but it wasn't enough.

My dh had phoned his sister to tell her that my dad had tested positive. I cried down the phone to her I was so worried. None of my in-laws were vaccinated at that stage.

We then heard nothing from them until he died week later, when my other SIL (DH's brother's wife) texted me to say she was so sorry for my loss, she'd heard he had covid from SIL but didn't know he was so unwell etc. I was so cross. My tears and worries didn't fit in with their narrative, you see.

And when my FIL collapsed in October and they had to call an ambulance, who tested him for covid (what a surprise, he was positive) THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL MY DH. We found out several days later from his vaccinated brother. Not willing to get vaccinated but happy to use the NHS when sick with covid. SIL also had covid at that stage and she now has heart trouble. Hmmm. Wonder why.

OP, sorry for your loss. Poor show from your friend - she should have text you beforehand to say she was ill and couldn't attend. That she did not is very hurtful. 💐

I've name changed because friends know I'm on Mumsnet and I've told this story in rl.
My dm died just at the start of Covid restrictions in Ireland - severe lockdown - confined to our counties and 2 km range etc.
She had been ill for a number of years.
I fully understood that people couldn't make the funeral and am so appreciative of the 9 or 10 people who were there.
We got lovely cards and letters sympathising with us from many people.
When lockdown finished I met an acquaintance, call her Y, of my Mums, she was saying how much she missed her as did X. X had phoned her, tearfully saying so.

X had never visited Mum in the 4 years she was unwell. Had never phoned her or sent a card. Mum had been so kind to X when X was going through very difficult times. We never got a sympathy card or message from X.
So, in no uncertain terms I called out the bullshit.
I think Y is still reeling. Y wasn't great at keeping in touch herself. I know i touched a nerve.

There are 8 of us on a Whatsapp, we share a hobby. Some are friends of friends, so some are more acquaintances really.
One never bothered commenting when my Mum died. Or my ds got married.
Do I judge her ?
You betcha 

@buckeejit thinking of you.

Thank you, Peachgreen and others, for telling me about funerals in Northern Ireland. I also attended a Zoom funeral in the UK this past year for a dear friend's brother who died of of coronavirus. A small number of mourners were there in person, but I felt honored to be able to attend from 3,000 miles away. I still remember and think about the beautiful stories I heard about this sweet man. I don't think a custom like waiting in the car park could work in my part of the world. The weather is far too harsh and the distances are far too great. It is interesting to see how geography affects how different people live.

@buckeejit

She had messaged a few days ago to say she hoped to be there.

I would have loved it if we could have safely been allowed the church to be full, rather than having to have people in the car park but that wasn't my call. My mum was very active in the community & church so there were a lot of people who wanted to pay their respects.

I think she can be selfish & that's why I'm reluctant to text her as if it's a breezy 'I wasn't feeling up to it' or similar, I can't formulate a response to that right now & don't feel up to saying directly to her how desperately hurtful her absence is. As she's a non driver i often collect her & always drive if we're going anywhere.

There's a different culture to funerals here in NI than in England-I don't go to as many as most people & wouldn't go to anyone's funeral if I didn't know them well, but she knew my mum for 30+ years since we were at school & my mum did plenty for her.

It is a very different culture of funerals in Ireland, North and Republic to what it is in England and I think some of the posters don't realise that here in Ireland, the deceased is often buried the day after death and no one is invited as such- if you hear about it and know even one of the family, even if you've only worked with the niece or nephew years ago, you can go. If you know the deceased or even one member of the immeadiate family well, it's expected that you attend! Not to do so without very good reason would be regarded as very bad form ! When my parents died, I hardly knew any of the people who came to the Funeral home and they didn't know me. At my father's, my cousin started telling people "This is Uncle's daughter!". Therefore, as even I could have gone to your mother's funeral if I'd lived nearby and barely knew her or you, I cannot for the life of me understand why you friend didn't come if she wasn't A/ Too sick. B/ Unable to walk or C/ Has a bit of an aversion to funerals. Most Irish people see going to funerals as a very usual and normal part of life!
To all the British posters here- in Britain , you have to be invited to a funeral which usually takes place about a week after the death. Not so here- you don't need an invite, anyone and everyone with even the loosest connection to the deceased comes, and as for "standing outside in the cold", it's been between 12 and 15 degrees Celcius here over Christmas and New Year, warmer than Springtime, so there was no fear of the woman getting frostbit! OP, leave her be for now and concentrate on minding yourself. I'm very sorry for your trouble and may your mother Rest in Peace, Lord have Mercy on her!

One of my oldest friends came to my parent’s funeral, it meant the world. Others didn’t bother. I think differently of them now. I’d always go.

No invitations in Scotland either. Is that a thing In England?

She's no friend of yours @buckeejit,didn't even have the decency to let you know.
You had to text her.
I bet when you think back to other times,she's always been self centered.

I'm in Dublin and when my mam died 22 years ago,I had people from my dps job come and show respect.
I didn't even know them but I thought it was a lovely gesture.

I do realize it's different elsewhere,but in NI where the op is it's done the same way.

@buckeejit I'm sorry for your loss and just look after yourself and put your friend to the back of your mind.Shes not worth the angst or the headspace.🎉

To all the British posters here- in Britain , you have to be invited to a funeral

Can this possibly be true?

I’m in NZ, where we take many of our traditions and cultures from Britain, and being ‘invited’ to a funeral is unheard of. Completely and utterly unheard of. You just go. If you know the bereaved or the family of the bereaved, you go.

When I lived in England for over a decade, I never heard of anyone being ‘invited’ to a funeral.

This is all moot anyway, since the OP and her friend are both in NI.

I've never been invited to a funeral in my life.
Everyone just goes to pay their respects.

Agree never known if the need to be invited to a funeral in England. I have been to all of my neighbours funerals - and all of our other neighbours were there as well. I wouldn’t turn up to the reception if they were a loose acquaintance unless there had been a specific invite for this part either directly from the family or announced at the church/crem or printed on the order of service.

However when my best friends Dad died who I had known since primary school and I asked for the funeral details - they had decided that it was private and family only which is relatively unusual I think.

So sorry for your loss. People can behave very weirdly around death, I hope she is there to provide you will comfort and support in the weeks to come.

I've been invited to a couple of funerals in the last couple of years due to covid limits on numbers, but never previously. Very rarely you hear of a private funeral at the request of the individual which I assume means invitations - but as a general thing absolutely not in the area of Scotland I'm from.

A private, ‘family only’ funeral is different and will be specified as such. And could potentially happen in any country, including Ireland. That wasn’t the case for the OP.

I get it op..also a bit odd as its the culture. Does she find death a tricky subject?

@malificent7

I get it op..also a bit odd as its the culture. Does she find death a tricky subject?

Hope not - the OP said she was a grief counsellor

My close friends came to my mum's funeral without even asking. I'd think it was odd if they didn't. Suppose it's what norm you've seen through your own parents and their generation.

@WouldBeGood

No invitations in Scotland either. Is that a thing In England?

I think that is not the norm in the UK and this poster was a bit off the mark.

I would never go to a friend's relative's funeral unless I knew the relative well and/or was asked.

If not asked specifically I would not go and hang around in a car park outside a funeral.