To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

I thought your friend was being unreasonable even before you said you were in NI.

The Irish culture around funerals is such that her actions were unspeakably rude.

I'm sorry for your loss I do understand your hurt. My DM died in December and one of my friends didn't attend the funeral. We're in Scotland with Irish heritage. It's absolutely expected that you'd attend a friend's parent's funeral.
It seems as though your friend couldn't attend because two of her close contacts have tested positive and she thinks she might have symptoms. Hopefully that means you can put your upset with her aside and focus now on grieving your loss.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

Going to the funeral of a friend's parent/relative is a no brainer to me. I'm Black British and really noticed the difference in cultural attitudes to funerals when I have lost loved ones. The Carribean approach to death and supporting those who are mourning, particularly in the first few weeks feels very different to the English culture.

@PrincessNutella

I would love for friends to come to my parents' funerals. But I wouldn't want them to come to the car park. I would only want them to stay if there was room to sit down and hear the words that were being spoken about my parent, and perhaps to participate and share their own words. I think it's crazy to expect anyone to stand outside in the pouring rain in January!

My friends 18 year old son died. The car park was full of people who couldn't see or hear the service. Three years on she speaks with pride of how many people turned out and stood in the cold for him. Its a huge comfort to her to feel he mattered to so many people. She didn't expect it, but really appreciated it.

So sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐
I really think that this a cultural thing, when living in the UK I have never attended the funeral of a friend’s parent or, even for my uncles. When in Ireland I know that it is expected of me.

Some of these responses totally miss the point. It's about showing up and showing you care. Even if that means standing in a car park for an hour in the cold! I'm quite shocked by those who say they wouldn't do that for someone they care about.

@hollielouise66

Some of these responses totally miss the point. It's about showing up and showing you care. Even if that means standing in a car park for an hour in the cold! I'm quite shocked by those who say they wouldn't do that for someone they care about.

You shouldn’t be ‘shocked’ that people do things differently to you 🙄.... standing in a carpark for an hour in the cold isn’t the only way you can show your support....any more than attending a funeral service is.

YANBU I'm sorry for your loss and your friend letting you down

I'm also in NI and not going to the funeral of a friend's parent is really unthinkable.

@hollielouise66

Some of these responses totally miss the point. It's about showing up and showing you care. Even if that means standing in a car park for an hour in the cold! I'm quite shocked by those who say they wouldn't do that for someone they care about.

Yes, so am I. I'm surprised that people can't seem to understand that support isn't about doing what you prefer and find most comfortable, but doing what the person concerned would feel supported by, even if you don't want to, or can't understand why they would want it. Its quite clear that many people see attendance at a funeral as hugely important, and it is shocking that people wouldn't tolerate minor discomfort if they knew it would help a bereaved friend.

Yes, so am I. I'm surprised that people can't seem to understand that support isn't about doing what you prefer and find most comfortable, but doing what the person concerned would feel supported by, even if you don't want to, or can't understand why they would want it. Its quite clear that many people see attendance at a funeral as hugely important, and it is shocking that people wouldn't tolerate minor discomfort if they knew it would help a bereaved friend.

I think the important thing here is in bold. People in this thread have acknowledged that different cultures, countries, communities have different expectations towards funerals. Therefore for many the issue is not the discomfort of a funeral itself but more the intrusion into a private family event particularly where there isn't a cultural/societal expectation that everyone attends. It isn't the ignoring of a friend in need more a fear of overstepping boundaries.

The OPs situation was different in that there was an expectation her friend would attend due to cultural norms and the fact she said she'd be there and then did not show up.

Annaghgloor You are right, we don't need a funeral forum. I lived in England for many years and went to few funerals but now that i am back in S.W Scotland there is rarely a month goes by without my funeral coat coming out the hall cupboard.

That is very poor of her op. When my best friends Dad died unexpectedly I travelled over 200iles by train and back from uni to be there for her.

I'm so sorry for your loss Op & that your friend has treated you so poorly. She really should have attended or contacted you to let you know she couldn't but was thinking of you.

I hope you have other better support in real life.

@PrincessNutella

I would love for friends to come to my parents' funerals. But I wouldn't want them to come to the car park. I would only want them to stay if there was room to sit down and hear the words that were being spoken about my parent, and perhaps to participate and share their own words. I think it's crazy to expect anyone to stand outside in the pouring rain in January!

You say that but until you're in that situation you don't actually know.

Thank you for sharing that. That is very different than the funerals I am used to in the US (Jewish/Protestant/Catholic). Although they are often led by a clergyperson, family members and friends usually share personal memories of the person who died, and there is a sense of reflection on the value of the individual person who died. There would not be that much value in standing in the rain outside and missing the words shared about the person, and it would distress the mourners to think of people waiting in the carpark. The burial/cremation is handled differently with different faiths. In the Jewish faith, for instance, family/loved ones do all the shoveling of dirt on the coffin--a sad and cathartic task. Also, there is usually food offered for people who come to mourn afterwards. Is that so in Northern Ireland?

@2bazookas

Restricted numbers!

I wouldn't go to a funeral where I had to stand outside in a car park in January either.

seriously? Even for a really good friend ?

I’d be very offended too. I have a number of close old school friends who live 250 miles away and I will make the journey for the funeral of all their parents. They were all there for my dad’s, and rightly so, we have supported each other through thick and thin for over 30yrs. Very odd she didn’t come.

I’ve never been to the funerals of any of my friend’s parents. I wouldn’t expect them at mine either. I’d expect some messages of support though.

@Abouttimemum

I’ve never been to the funerals of any of my friend’s parents. I wouldn’t expect them at mine either. I’d expect some messages of support though.

But are you Irish and living in Ireland? That is the context here.

Yes @PrincessNutella. In non-Covid times everyone would come back to the house (either of the deceased or whoever is organising the funeral) for refreshments. Sometimes people host it in external venues. You'd always expect a lot of people. I'm from a Protestant family so traditions are different to Catholic families who I believe would welcome people into their homes in the days between the person passing away and the funeral too.

Is bin her off. Selfish doesn't cover it.
I'd be heartbroken if my friends didn't come to my parents funeral. I'd go to theirs without a second thought. It's what you do

Because of Covid nobody was able to come back to ours after my husband's funeral and it still upsets my sister in law to this day. I think she felt it was the last thing she could have done for him and she didn't get to.

We had covid restrictions when my father died. It was close family and some of his closest friends only. The 30 people limit was for everyone so even the minister was included in our numbers.

None of my friends attended. I wasn't upset. They were all respectful and passed on their best wishes and sent flowers.

It was a deeply private time, our immediate family needed to mourn together, and laugh together.

The 30 limit to us was a great blessing. Only those that really needed to be present were present.

I didn't realise you were in NI. Yes this makes a difference and I say this with respect and fondness.

Hi OP, having seen your update I understand. I live in England but my family is Northern Irish and I get how differently the general approach to grief is. I've been struck by the sense of community and how people don't shy away from showing their support. If I mention my granny's house had a lot of visitors in the days between her death and the funeral, many people here find it bizarre. It's about being supportive and respectful; how well you knew the person or the notion of "intruding" doesn't necessarily come into it. So for a friend not to come to the funeral will have been noticeable and hurtful, but to not really explain why is even more so. I disagree with PPs who have said being in a car park is not much support. It is what it represents.

I think you are right to leave things a bit before replying, let the dust settle and focus on allowing yourself time to process the last few days/weeks for you. I do think the pandemic has altered some people's approach to their commitments and general codes of behaviour, either through choice or through fear. I've been very surprised at how some of my friends have been over the last two years but I totally appreciate its difficult to be pragmatic about that when you are grieving. I think I am just trying to reassure you not to take it too personally.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope you are able to take comfort from the many people who did attend to show their support for you and your family.