To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

I am very sorry for your loss.

And your friend should have messaged, even if she could not come.

However: to give a slightly different perspective, when my mother died, she had asked in writing for no funeral, so we did not have one. But some people - including people who'd never met her, and didn't even know me all that well - kept trying to contact me with offers to 'come and be with me'; to accompany me to 'put flowers on her grave', etc. I wished for privacy and found such contacts very distressing. Fortunately, a relative was willing to deal with contacts with other people and protect me from the worst of it. For me, at times of bereavement, 'hell is other people', and the old cliche 'not wanting to intrude on your grief' really is applicable to me.

Obviously you did want your friend there, so it's very different. But maybe your friend didn't want to intrude. And she couldn't really have given much support from the car park.

You could contact her, and not reproach her about the funeral, but say you need support and would like to talk to her. That is more likely to show whether she is really a supportive friend or not; and might result in a lot of support. On the other hand, you may not be able to cope at present if she does disappoint you; so you may or may not choose to take the risk.

@PrincessNutella

I also think that there is more to friendship than how a friend, or even a relative, performs on a certain occasion. Sometimes people just don't shine at certain moments. They can have a hard time dealing with death. Or, with a certain person's death. It can trigger fear or sadness or denial in them. It is hard to go to funerals for some people. Sometimes, the more you love someone, the harder it is to go to someone's funeral. On the other hand, my mother made my father's funeral private because my ex sister-in-law loved funerals and making a huge drama of them. And she was under the very mistaken impression that at my father's death, she would somehow inherit a large sum of money (which nobody did, except my mother--and she certainly never will, since she is a much hated ex, anyway). Is there evidence that your friend is a caring one in other ways?

In many instances I would agree with this. But not in regard to bereavement. The bereaved has every right to feel whatever they feel and expect the people around them to be understanding.