To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

[buckeejit]

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

@MrsWinters

You wanted her to stand in a car park in January? She can’t support you from outside? So I’m not sure what you wanted apart from to show a ‘good turnout’

OPs mother's funeral was yesterday. Try to show a little compassion.

Sorry for your loss . I'm sorry about your friend, but some people certainly show their true colours at a time when they ought to be supportive (one of my friends was the same earlier this year and I'm no longer in touch).

Value the ones who have been there for you, the ones who will continue to help you through rough times. x

I'm so sorry OP, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you feel so hurt that your friend wasn't there for you.

I think you probably need to have the conversation with her but not now while you're so fragile, give it time.

I would definitely go for a good friend now but before my parents does I didn't really understand the importance. I do now.

Be gentle with yourself. Feelings will be very strong so try to give yourself space to rage, weep etc

@OverByYer

I've never really understood going to friend's parents funerals unless you know the parent? I'm not saying I am right but I only go to funerals of people I actually knew, otherwise I'd feel like I was intruding.

You will when your mum dies.

Funerals are for the living. The dead have gone.

@LowlandLucky

OP Just read that you are in N.I that adds a different slant, you have the same "rules" as we do in S.W Scotland. Your friend should have been there unless she is has covid or is dying herself in which case flowers should have been sent and she should have called you this morning. In England funerals aren't such a mine field as they are here. I understand how hurt you are, let her be the first to contact, after all she has snubbed you and your family.

See, I think funerals in England are way more of a minefield than they are in Ireland, and have far more 'rules'. You would never see an Irish adult living in Ireland going onto a forum in a panic asking what to wear to a funeral, or whether or not to bring the children, or how he or she will know what to do, or what to do if tears start. Or about whether they should even go. I think the main difference is the timing (in Ireland they are virtually always immediately after the death), and the fact that, because everyone attends funerals, they're such a common event in your day to day life, that they're not as feared or unusual. Most of us will have been attending funerals of neighbours or distant relatives long before we lose anyone close.

OP. I'm sorry that this hasn't turned out to have an explanation you were less hurt by -- though her Covid denier stuff probably goes some way towards explaining some of it, though not in any comforting way...?

Unless she's ill or had an emergency its very bad of her. Try not to dwell on it too much though, as the important thing is that you said goodbye, and that there were lots of people there to pay their respects. Don't let the behaviour of one person become a distraction from that. I'd wait a few days before contacting her as your emotions are naturally very high at present. A breather will give you time to decide if it's something you can get past.

You will when your mum dies

You can only speak for yourself @sweetbellyhigh.

As I've posted already, my feelings and reactions are different from yours. Both equally valid. Nothing is universal.

I continue to wish more people were open to accepting differences and less ready to leap to offence.

@LublinToDublin

You will when your mum dies

You can only speak for yourself @sweetbellyhigh.

As I've posted already, my feelings and reactions are different from yours. Both equally valid. Nothing is universal.

I continue to wish more people were open to accepting differences and less ready to leap to offence.

This has nothing to do with 'leaping to offence' or 'differences', it's an act of appalling ignorance and coldness in the context of the culture the OP and her friend live in, if there are no mitigating circumstances.

@LublinToDublin

You will when your mum dies

You can only speak for yourself @sweetbellyhigh.

As I've posted already, my feelings and reactions are different from yours. Both equally valid. Nothing is universal.

I continue to wish more people were open to accepting differences and less ready to leap to offence.

Your (one's) reactions and feelings are only valid when speaking of their own bereavements. If you are bereaved you have every right to decide how you wish those around you to respond. When the bereaved person is not you, but a friend, their feelings and reactions are more important than yours, and the very least you can do is put your coat on and stand in a carpark if that's what will comfort them. Whether you understand it or not. That to me is accepting and accommodating difference.

If you are bereaved you have every right to decide how you wish those around you to respond

Whilst I understand the sentiment of your views @5128gap I do not agree with this assertion.

@LublinToDublin

You will when your mum dies

You can only speak for yourself @sweetbellyhigh.

As I've posted already, my feelings and reactions are different from yours. Both equally valid. Nothing is universal.

I continue to wish more people were open to accepting differences and less ready to leap to offence.

You don't know that. And I'm not offended. I'm just telling you what to expect.

You could listen and learn (rather than keep hammering the point that you "don't get it")

My best friend asked me if I wanted her to come to my dad's funeral. I told her no. I wasn't feeling in the least bit social, and knew she'd know literally no-one there, apart from me.

That being said, I was very pleased she asked, and I will of course do the same thing for her, when her time unfortunately comes.

I think, the thing is, people have a lot of different ideas around funerals. Some people will just turn up, invited or not, whereas others will wait for a direct invitation.
Also, people often carry a lot of baggage/trauma around death and funerals, and often react in ways they wouldn't do normally. Personally, I'd let this one go.

I appreciate that this is in NI so the expectation is different from where I am (England) and that the funeral took place at a weekend, which they tend not to here. So there is no good reason for her not to attend.

I would attend a funeral of a really good friends parent if I could, but it depends on my work commitments and how much annual leave I have left. Pre Covid I attended a friend's mums funeral but it was the other side of the country and I ended up having to take 2 days annual leave to manage it. I just can't do that very often. Thankfully this year I have only attended. one funeral, and it was local, so I only had to take a half day. The idea of turning out to the funeral of anyone I've ever known is lovely in theory, but just not possible (for me) in practice

I'm glad you were not offended @sweetvalleyhigh.

I cancelled an important work event to be at the funeral of a close friend’s parent. I had only met the parent a couple of times but I went to support my friend and it was clear on the day that she needed the support. Yanbu.

It sounds more of a Covid thing, OP. You have clashed with her over Covid and it sounds like she may have it and doesn't want to admit it. I'm not saying this is all reasonable of her and that not to text etc but it probably is reasonable for her to keep away with Covid symptoms.

She's a covid sceptic who got covid. Well I suppose that's karma. No wonder she didn't tell you why she wasn't there. She sounds a delight. Take comfort from all of us NI ( and other) folk on this thread who are horrified at her lack of attendance. I am very sorry for your troubles. I hope 2022 will be better for you and your family

I am glad that you reached out and posted here and that this thread gave you to confidence to address it with her and not ruminate for too long.

Her behaviour is very poor - but you can now put this irritant out of your mind and concentrate on the warmth, comfort and compassion of your other friends and family.

@buckeejit I'm a few weeks ahead of you on this journey as my mum also died recently. Am also from NI so know the culture. I read your posts on lifelimitingillness so I know it's been a long road for you.

I also had / have similar feeling about someone close to me and they behaviour around the death and funeral.

Firstly I'd say that the funeral directors told me that people have a whole range of attitudes to covid and not to be surprised if people you expect to be at the funeral don't come.

Also that people have a range of attitudes to death and funerals. What is entirely normal to one person might be very difficult for another.

I also read something interesting about grieving, that anger is one of the stages and that this grieving anger can be directly to other people over relatively minor things that wouldn't bother you as much in normal circumstances.

Having said all that (which is basically saying cut her some slack), it is at times like this you find out who your real friends are.

Where I am in the US it would be very welcomed to attend a friends parents funeral, even if you hadn't met the deceased. It's about supporting those you love - the family remaining. I will never forget the two colleagues who came to my MIL's funeral 12 years ago. I was so touched.

@episcomama

Where I am in the US it would be very welcomed to attend a friends parents funeral, even if you hadn't met the deceased. It's about supporting those you love - the family remaining. I will never forget the two colleagues who came to my MIL's funeral 12 years ago. I was so touched.

Similar - two colleagues that I hadn’t worked with for 10 years came, similar for my sisters - it meant an awful lot at a very painful time.

@buckeejit

Thanks all. Update, I messaged this morning checking if she was ok. She replied straight away & said she's tired & has a rash but that's part of it apparently.

I asked part of what? As she hasn't said
Anything before. Asked if she had tested positive & when she did the test. She said she hasn't tested but has symptoms & her brother & partner have tested positive.

Not exactly a drip feed as was not relevant to the thread but although she is normally an intelligent person, she is a Covid sceptic for want of a better word, she won't take a vaccine & won't test as there's no point in her testing apparently, (she doesn't like the fact that 'they'll' be making money off testing I guess). We've clashed a little on the issue of Covid.

She says she didn't want to bother me in the run up to things by messaging. Not sure why she didn't message in the evening of the funeral or anytime since but now we know.

I appreciate all the points about different cultures etc -I've lived in England & know the unspoken rules there are different, but she lives in this country & culture & has been here her whole life. She counsels people on grief as her job. I'm still agog that she didn't send a short text of support until I messaged her. I will take a few days to think as grief definitely puts a filter on things but I can't see how not to be hurt by the lack of communication here.

It has helped me get it all out of my head by posting here so thank you for all the replies & condolences to all of you that are going through similar losses

I am in England and I'd be attending the funeral and standing in a car park if necessary!!!!

If I was unwell I'd send a message in advance to let you know and saying that I'll be thinking of you.

I'd also message afterwards saying that I hope the funeral went as you'd hoped and that I am here for you if you need anything!

I remember being so touched and grateful to see people at the funerals of my mother and father who I really didn’t expect to see - they didn’t really know my parents, they were there to support me and I was so moved by their thoughtfulness.
I think you should distance yourself from this friend. I would have already done so in view of her stupidity and selfishness about Covid. Her latest behaviour would be the final straw, for me.

I would love for friends to come to my parents' funerals. But I wouldn't want them to come to the car park. I would only want them to stay if there was room to sit down and hear the words that were being spoken about my parent, and perhaps to participate and share their own words. I think it's crazy to expect anyone to stand outside in the pouring rain in January!

@PrincessNutella

I would love for friends to come to my parents' funerals. But I wouldn't want them to come to the car park. I would only want them to stay if there was room to sit down and hear the words that were being spoken about my parent, and perhaps to participate and share their own words. I think it's crazy to expect anyone to stand outside in the pouring rain in January!

Irish funerals don’t usually have lengthy eulogies, they’re just a mass or other service, and standing outside in the rain in bad weather is entirely standard — even in non-Covid times, you could often be standing outside in a line for an hour or more to get inside a tiny rural funeral home. DH and I were about two hours in an outdoor queue in February 2020 for a man he’d met once a did never met at all.