Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

227 replies

buckeejit · 03/01/2022 20:02

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 03/01/2022 23:58

I don’t attend funerals. I don’t because even if I don’t know the person well they make me cry and I get really embarrassed sobbing when it’s not my family.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. She may have her own reasons.

GaryLurcher19 · 04/01/2022 00:03

@Kshhuxnxk

Have you checked she is ok?
This. There could be many reasons for her non-attendance.

Also, was she directly invited? She may be under the impression, as numbers are limited, that the service was for family and friends of your mum. Did she know your mum well? It can be a bit complicated, some friends might worry about intruding if they don't know the departed personally and were not asked to attend.

Sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad, it's a difficult time.

GaryLurcher19 · 04/01/2022 00:08

I committed the sin of failing to RTFT! Sorry, Op.

I see you answered most of my questions already.

LadyEloise1 · 04/01/2022 00:10

Sorry for your loss @buckeejit
I would expect my friend of 30 years to be there.
Perhaps she has Omicron?

Chocolatehamper · 04/01/2022 00:13

@GreyTS

I don't think anyone else really 'gets' the whole funeral culture here in Ireland, you attend to support the bereaved not because you knew the deceased, it would be unheard of not to attend a friends parents funeral, particularly one you'd known since primary school. I'm so sorry for your loss darling, and yea she's let you down, you're not unreasonable to feel hurt 😔

Exactly this! I grew up in Ireland and despite living in the UK for over 35 years, I'll still stop and wait for a hearse to pass, never 'cut up' the family cars behind a hearse as I've seen so many do and never wait for an invitation to a funeral...

Op, sorry for your loss, I hope time heals the ache.

Nathlash · 04/01/2022 00:13

@GaryLurcher19, no one is ever ‘invited’ to funerals in Ireland. You just go, even if, during Covid restrictions, you had to stand on the side of the road along the funeral route, and regardless of whether or not you knew the person. All my mother’s childhood neighbours drove 40 miles to her FIL’s funeral in the city, despite having only met him once at her wedding, 20 years before.

OP, I’m sorry. Maybe check she’s not ill.

NeverTalksToStrangers · 04/01/2022 00:15

I'm also in NI and my dad passed away last year. All of my local friends either came into the church (numbers had just returned to normal) or stood outside (for a bit at least). I totally understand why you'd be hurt.

NeverTalksToStrangers · 04/01/2022 00:17

I reckon she has covid or something similar .

OkPedro · 04/01/2022 00:25

When my Mam died my primary school friends who I hadn't seen for a long time came to her funeral. My Mam was very popular and the church was packed, many people had to stand outside in the cold in November.. I'm in Ireland too..it would be unusual to not attend a good friends parents funeral.. I know culture is different all over the world but I can't understand why anyone would "not even consider" going to the funeral of their good friends parent..

TerribleCustomerCervix · 04/01/2022 00:31

Another NI MNetter here.

Really shocking from your friend. It’s not even the not turning up, it’s the lack of communication. If she was self isolating etc, a thirty second text would clear that up.

I think a lot of people just don’t “get” how the Irish do funerals. You don’t wait on an invite. You hear someone that you have a connection to has died, and you then look for the funeral details on the likes of rip.ie, the paper or by checking with family.

If any member of my family died tomorrow, my employer would ask another member of staff to go to the funeral to represent the wider team and company. Same if it’s someone connected to a school or sports team etc.

Craftgirlx · 04/01/2022 00:32

I find a lot of these responses shocking to read. Of course YANBU! I’m Scottish and it’s very much the norm to go to funerals to support the bereaved. Regardless of covid, you would have expected her to be there. In my town, people would line the street to pay their respects as the hearse and family cars passed on the way to the cemetery. The streets would be full. Many would also go and stand in the cemetery at a distance to the family as you cannot stop people from being there. I could not imagine not having the support of my friends at family funerals or not going to support them in return. Some of these replies seem so cold.

OhWhyNot · 04/01/2022 00:37

I am sorry to hear about your mum

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I would be very upset too. My best friends mum died last year of course I was there why wouldn’t I be I love my friend very much and loved her mum

Please ignore some of the harsh replies it’s totally unnecessary

RuthW · 04/01/2022 00:39

Sorry for your loss.

It wouldn't occur to me to go to a friend's parent's funeral.

Sorry

Yaya26 · 04/01/2022 00:41

YANBU. I left my little ones and drove 5 hrs on Boxing Day to upport a good friend at her Dads funeral. She has done the same for me. Im sorry for your loss. Xx

LublinToDublin · 04/01/2022 00:52

@Craftgirlx

I find a lot of these responses shocking to read. Of course YANBU! I’m Scottish and it’s very much the norm to go to funerals to support the bereaved. Regardless of covid, you would have expected her to be there. In my town, people would line the street to pay their respects as the hearse and family cars passed on the way to the cemetery. The streets would be full. Many would also go and stand in the cemetery at a distance to the family as you cannot stop people from being there. I could not imagine not having the support of my friends at family funerals or not going to support them in return. Some of these replies seem so cold.
Why is it so difficult to understand that cultural norms vary from place to place. And individuals vary within the norms. I'm not cold. I just do things differently.

I can understand that OP is saddened and hurt by her friend's absence, but I'm quite taken aback by the fierce reactions expressed by some on the thread and the rigid expectations they have for others to behave in a prescribed manner.

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/01/2022 00:59

I'm in Ireland too and you're friend is completely out of line..... I would be so disappointed if a friend of mine for over thirty years couldn't support me at a close relatives funeral.

Condolences to you op.

Kitkat151 · 04/01/2022 01:02

@Craftgirlx

I find a lot of these responses shocking to read. Of course YANBU! I’m Scottish and it’s very much the norm to go to funerals to support the bereaved. Regardless of covid, you would have expected her to be there. In my town, people would line the street to pay their respects as the hearse and family cars passed on the way to the cemetery. The streets would be full. Many would also go and stand in the cemetery at a distance to the family as you cannot stop people from being there. I could not imagine not having the support of my friends at family funerals or not going to support them in return. Some of these replies seem so cold.
Very judgemental post 🙄 you can keep your ‘shock’ ....lots of people don’t attend funerals for many many reasons.....does it make you a better person that you do? Best get off this thread and go polish your 😇
peachgreen · 04/01/2022 01:04

Ach, I'm sorry @buckeejit. I think cultural differences are coming into play here with some of these responses. I'm English living in NI and before I moved her it wouldn't have occurred to me to go to a friend's parents' funeral unless I was actively invited. But I would absolutely go now, especially if it was in NI. When my husband died all my colleagues drove over an hour to stand outside the church - it still makes me cry thinking of it now. It meant the world.

I'm so sorry. I hope your friend has a good explanation. And I'm so sorry about your mum.

Emerald5hamrock · 04/01/2022 01:25

I think cultural differences are coming into play here with some of these responses.
Most definitely.
The time frame too, 3/5 days makes the funeral day still raw, extended family, good friends are there for the 3 days prior at the wake. 😉
As you're on this side of the water OP yanbu however I suspect that she has a good reason. Flowers

Clymene · 04/01/2022 01:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not from NI but I would go to a friend's parent's funeral and I've been to several. Even if I've not known them for 30 years. Because they're my friends and I love them.

Also it's not bitterly cold at the minute. Warmest January on record!

I'm sorry your friend is such a flake. I'd be very hurt too in your shoes Thanks

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 04/01/2022 03:26

I'm quite taken aback by the fierce reactions expressed by some on the thread and the rigid expectations they have for others to behave in a prescribed manner.

I love the way that being there for a friend in their time of need is turned into ‘rigid expectations to behave in a prescribed manner’.

Most thinking/feeling people want to be there - they are not subscribing to ‘expectations’.

I’m not Irish, nor English.

But I would unquestioningly be there for a a friend if I possibly could in these circumstances.

Of course, you can reject that expectation. There is no actual law. But you can also be sure that most people would judge you for it, unless of course you have a (I’d suggest ‘very’) good reason not to be. And in which case, you’d do the simple and easy courtesy of letting them know that you couldn’t be there and express another way of sending your sympathies on their loss.

‘Expectations to behave in a prescribed manner’, indeed….

It reads to me as if some people are suddenly realising how their past behaviour (or they way they would fully intend to behave) is being perceived. And it’s quite an eye-opener.

Monty27 · 04/01/2022 03:46

It's so important to support a friend in grief. So so important. A hug. That means such a lot. How hard is that? It's not a lot to ask for even you have to wait outside in the pissing rain you'd do it.
Bless you OP. Deepest condolences.
I hope your friend is ok. If you know what I mean.

backtolifebacktoreality · 04/01/2022 03:48

She SHOULD have been there regardless of whether or not she was in a car park. She should be paying her respects to your mum and supporting you!

Gooseysgirl · 04/01/2022 04:23

YANBU, it is odd if she didn't attend. but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps she has a very good reason for not being there? The dad of one of my closest friends died a couple of months ago in Ireland. One of our group has been very slow with support for our friend but rather than being critical of her we are worried about her because it is very out of character.

I am so very sorry for your loss OP 💐

1forAll74 · 04/01/2022 04:43

She may have had a good reason not to attend,, I would just leave things as they are.. I wouldn't question why someone didn't attend a funeral. Especially me, I have been to too many funerals over the years, and don't wish to go to any more. especially burials which I dislike.