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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt that my good friend didn't come to my mum's funeral?

227 replies

buckeejit · 03/01/2022 20:02

Funeral was yesterday.

We've been close friends for over 30 years. She knew that numbers were restricted in the church but service was relayed to the car park. I didn't see her when we came out of the church, although there were a lot of people & it was hard to look at them but other mutual friends who were in the car park didn't see her, (I asked them later if they'd seen any other friends as wanted to message thanks to those for coming & apologise that I couldn't stop to talk).

I haven't received any message from her. She doesn't work on Sundays & lives a 20 minute walk from the church, (non driver). Another friend drove 130 miles without telling me just to be there.

Frankly I'm baffled but it really feels like there's no other explanation other than she doesn't care about supporting me. She's a counsellor & should know quite a bit about grief.

AIBU to think that unless you're in a real bad way you'd have messaged me by now?

OP posts:
TripleSeptic · 03/01/2022 21:53

I completely don't want to hijack, I'm so sorry OP, I was trying to demonstrate that you are not alone, and when you lose your mum, or anyone close for that matter, you tend to lose other folk too. It might not be the same story at all with your friend, but a loss has a strange way of showing you who is really there for you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/01/2022 21:54

As others have said, it may be cultural. In Ireland we attend funerals of friends' or colleagues' parents, neighbours, old teachers...you name it. You show your face and you tell them you are sorry for their loss.

In England it doesn't seem to be as much of a thing, and it may be that your friend felt it would be odd to attend.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2022 21:54

Sorry for your losses Flowers My parents are from quite a traditional community where funeral attendance is expected quite widely. I agree it’s to support the bereaved.

@TripleSeptic what a let down.

@buckeejit can you ask a mutual friend to ask why she wasn’t there?

maddy68 · 03/01/2022 21:56

I didn't go to my own family funeral as I knew there were restricted numbers. I really wanted to be there I suspect that's the reason

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2022 22:00

Some really horrible replies here, takes all sorts I suppose. I would stand in the pouring rain if it meant I could support my best friend, she came to my Dads funeral when we were both 18.

UsernameNotSavedAgain · 03/01/2022 22:00

If you were my close friend, I’d put some warm clothes on and a rain coat and come to the funeral. If I had to stand out in the cold and rain for an hour then so be it. But I would want you to know that I was there for you. Even if I WAS unseen outside!
Isn’t that what you do for close friends whose parent you’ve known for years? Confused

WhatDidISayAlan · 03/01/2022 22:00

It’s definitely a cultural thing - my school friends all attended my parents funerals and I’d do the same for them - we are all catholic in England. We all actually went to the last one’s mum’s anniversary mass a few weeks ago. A year ago we did stand outside and listened to the service due to restrictions, and attended the burial. The non-catholic friends I’ve made since school didn’t attend - it wouldn’t even have entered their heads. But if she’s from the same NI culture as you then yes, I’d be disappointed in her.

DeedIDo · 03/01/2022 22:04

That's poor. The funeral etiquette I understand says she should have been there.

Lindaloo08 · 03/01/2022 22:05

@Mamette

I am in Ireland and it would be unthinkable to miss the funeral of a good friend’s parent. Could she possibly have covid? I think you should message her.
Me too, I can't believe that people wouldnt go to support a friend and show respect to the person and family. It would be a massive fracture to my friendship if a good friend was a no show particularly if they said it was cos it was cold or not wanting to be outside!
Original poster
buckeejit · 03/01/2022 22:06

So sorry to hear of others stories with similar issues.

My friend shies away from any form of conflict so she may be avoiding contacting me. I'm terrible for holding a grudge & if it is worst case scenario that she just couldn't be arsed coming, (she knows the value it means to be present at a funeral in this community), then I'm not sure if there's much mileage left in our friendship. Well, we'll see tomorrow & will update.

Although it's a bit overwhelming, it does mean a lot to have people there & shows respect & support, however I did tell several other friends who wanted to come, not to, as I knew they would have distances to travel & childcare issues etc but let them know that I was grateful of their support.

Thanks for all the input, lots to think about

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 03/01/2022 22:10

I would also be hurt by that.
I would have definitely come to the funeral even if I had to stand in a car park.
Mostly ALL of my friends came to my parent's funerals and so did my sibling's friends.
Sorry for your loss 💞
I went to a friend of my mums funeral before Christmas 2 of my siblings also went. I hadn't seen her for years but still went to pay our respects and sent flowers.

conflictednow · 03/01/2022 22:25

I think she's been a crap friend. Scottish culture also usually has funerals as a place to show support for the living, my employer makes a point of ensuring someone is there to represent them at a employee's family member funeral. Your friend knows the culture. Sorry for your loss Thanks

RavingAnnie · 03/01/2022 22:27

@BeyondMyWits

I'm a sobber... I can't help it, it is some sort of auto-response to emotion, so I don't attend funerals (or weddings to be honest) because it's not about me. People have all sorts of reasons.
Oh my good me too!!. I had to really stop myself sobbing at my husband's Nan's funeral. I was there to support him, had never met the woman. Something about funerals and all the sad people. I had a cry watching prince Philips funeral on TV. I only watched 5 mins and had to turn it over!

Had to focus on the small child in the row in front in my husbands nans funeral and desperately try to not think about the funeral! Would have been completely inappropriate for me to be crying!

thisplaceisapigsty · 03/01/2022 22:32

My parents died quite a few years ago. My two best friends didn't come to either of my parent's funerals, but I've been to the funeral now of their parents and I think they now understand and feel bad about not being there for me. It hurts a lot to not have that support from friends, but I think people don't always really understand until it's them who are the ones in that position.

Alayalaya · 03/01/2022 22:36

My mother didn’t go to her own sisters funeral. The limited spaces were taken by children and grandchildren of the deceased, my mother didn’t see the point in standing around outside the church and not even being allowed to pay respects to the family. Times are different now, I don’t think you can expect people to come when they aren’t even allowed inside.

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 03/01/2022 22:38

she hoped to be there.

That's the clue. She wasn't sure she could make it. I think you are overthinking this because you are grieving.

Winniewonka · 03/01/2022 22:41

"You wanted her to stand in a car park in January? So I'm not sure what you wanted apart from to show a good turnout"

Hope no one ever treats you with such a callous remark the day after your parent's funeral.

TheCraicDealer · 03/01/2022 22:49

Could she have been there though? Sat in her car, or had to leave before you left the church to catch a train or bus? It sounds like there were a lot of people outside so she might have got lost in the crowd. If she didn't go though, I would be seriously reconsidering the friendship given the context you've given.

There's not too many things that would stop me attending a funeral of a mate's parent. I'm not even sure it's just an NI thing, although our attendance threshold is lower- when English DH's dad died last year several of his friends (male, English mid-30's) asked if they could go, but it was when numbers/restrictions were really tight and DH didn't see much point in them waiting in the rain in the car park.

Cocoabutterformula · 03/01/2022 22:50

You wanted her to stand in a car park in January? So I'm not sure what you wanted apart from to show a good turnout"

Hope no one ever treats you with such a callous remark the day after your parent's funeral.

Agree, what a horrible attitude. I would always attend the funeral of a friend's parent if they wanted me to.

weebarra · 03/01/2022 22:59

I'm Scottish and I think it's similar. I've been to two of my team members parents' funerals although I didn't know the parents. My ex boss and two of my colleagues came to my sister's funeral. For me, it's about support for the individual.
However, your friend knew your mum, she should have been there.

ElectraBlue · 03/01/2022 23:33

Maybe your friend is unwell or has some other urgent issues to deal with.

I am also not quite sure what her standing outside in a car park would have achieve practically in term of being able to support you. Some people are still worried about being amongst a large group of people because of Covid and maybe she was worried about this but did not want to explicitly mention it.

I know you see this as a matter of being polite and caring, but she might have thought that as she could not be with the church with you her being there would not make much of a difference.

You might want to drop her a message to say that you are a bit disappointed that she could not be there and see what explanation she gives.

I would attend a close friend's relative funeral if I could support them on the day on a practical and emotional level. But I would think twice if the set up meant instead standing outside in the middle of winter without any direct contact with them. The pandemic would also be a factor to consider for me. I probably would not go under these circumstances.

ParishSpinster · 03/01/2022 23:48

I'm sorry for your loss.

My MIL died in the summer (in ireland) and the church was limited to about 20 people but others could stand in the car park. DH friends did not attend because of covid restrictions and essentially it was just so, so difficult to find space for cars and people with enough distancing. Many of his friends apologised for not going to the funeral home prior to the funeral as well, again because they were unsure about restrictions and concerns about covid.

DH understood that people were supportive and that had there not been a pandemic, the church would have been full. But it wasn't something he could really change. Not everyone could make it and not everyone felt like they could make it.

I hope your friend gets in touch.

gah2teenagers · 03/01/2022 23:54

@Monpetitpoisson

Seems odd you want her to support you from a car park ? Can’t blame her for not wanting to stand about in the cold n her own
This. Sorry for your loss but you say yourself you glanced round and didn’t see her stood for over an hour in the presumably cold car park. You need to let this go.
Emerald5hamrock · 03/01/2022 23:54

Big deal if she had to stand in a car park supporting her longterm friend.
I'm sorry for your loss.
When my DM died we were restricted to 10 people, it means so much how neighbours and friends lined the streets at a time when there was real fear, April 2020.
Yanbu it was shite unless there is a very good reason she couldn't make it.

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 23:55

I never ever go to funerals outside of family....and even some of these I,ve not attended.....but I wouldn’t say I’m going then not show up...I have my own reasons for this....maybe your friend is the same? She should have said though.