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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and money

254 replies

Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 19:15

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/01/2022 19:18

Personally I'd look on it as early inheritance.

scaredsadandstuck · 03/01/2022 19:19

If was your mum I'd give you the money. The only caveat would be if this was one in a long line of handouts due to poor choices on your part.

Comedycook · 03/01/2022 19:21

I think you might get a flaming on here op and everyone will say they're under no obligation to help you...which is true of course.

Personally, putting your business issue aside, I think it's really shitty to have so much money and watch your family struggle. My mil is like this.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 03/01/2022 19:21

Unless there is a massive backstory of you being irresponsible with money then YANBU OP. Flowers

XelaM · 03/01/2022 19:22

Your parents are selfish and I would minimise contact with them

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 19:23

Well in their dotage they can support themselves and provide any care. Gets you well off that hook op...

DreamerSeven · 03/01/2022 19:25

You say yourself you made a series of bad decisions, I’m guessing they’re aware of that and perhaps don’t want to see their money put at risk in the same way. I hope you get your business back on its feet but I really think you have to accept you have no claim on their money.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/01/2022 19:25

I have grown up children. I absolutely could not and would not sit on thousands of pounds knowing they were desperate for money. If I only had a tenner and they had nothing, I’d give it to them.

I’m so sorry your parents are such shits, @Potsofpetals, mine are too. I hope things get better for you Flowers

Bunce1 · 03/01/2022 19:26

Sounds like there is way more to this than what you’re telling us here. On the face of it it’s a no brainier to lend you some ££, but for whatever reasons she won’t.

I am a little sceptical that she couldn’t manage to set up her new iPad and accounts and needed your help- that doesn’t seem real, someone with all that money and trying to manage it??! Feels like she wanted to show you wnat you couldn’t have a push you to ask for a hand out. Feels controlling.

CrappyXmasMarket · 03/01/2022 19:27

They have a million in cash and won't lend you 10k?

I would be really hurt in your position OP. And the comments from your mother are unbelievable.

I don't know what I would do in your situation but YANBU for feeling really let down.

LolaButt · 03/01/2022 19:27

So to help you both it would take one percent of their savings? I wouldn’t see that as unreasonable to help my child out as a one off, but I would expect them to talk me through the viability of the business. More so to make sure that I gave them the right amount.

Business loan aside, if my child couldn’t afford to eat/heat their home despite being responsible but had just fallen on bad times I definitely couldn’t just walk out.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 03/01/2022 19:27

I’d possibly lend money if my DC and partner had a job but I’m not sure I would if they ran their own business as I’d worry it would get swallowed up in a failing business.
I’d never have thought to ask my parents for financial help once I was an adult.

OhChrismtasTree · 03/01/2022 19:27

They say don't mix business and family and money!

Tbh from your parents side, having watched you make bad decisions to get to this stage I'd be hesitant to lend the money. One loan becomes two, which becomes a "gift" not a loan etc etc. It's hard to mix money and family especially, in their situation I wouldn't do it either.

Ponoka7 · 03/01/2022 19:28

How do they know that there won't be another series of bad decisions? I'd give you the£10k but that would be it while you are reliant on that business for income.

CharSiu · 03/01/2022 19:30

Well on face value it seems very unkind, however they do not approve of your business model. They may even not like the business itself. It’s like there are certain charities I will not donate to, sort of that kind of reasoning.

phishy · 03/01/2022 19:30

I usually get very annoyed at people who expect handouts or house deposits from their parents, but it does seem a bit mean not to lend you £10k when they have £1m.

Unless you’re in la la land about your business idea and they can see it.

I wouldn’t go NC, that money will be coming to you one day, unless you think they will leave it to a cat refuge?

grapewine · 03/01/2022 19:32

The laughing in your face is awful. The whole thing would make me want to step back from them. I hope your bank will help. Good luck.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 03/01/2022 19:33

What do you mean, helping people who had lost their jobs? How has that led to your business going to shit?

Perhaps they’re right.

SeasonFinale · 03/01/2022 19:34

So you say you are mentally vulnerable and have a failing business and make poor decisions. I guess I wouldn't lend it to you either. Where is your DH in all this and what is he doing? Maybe if you do think there is a viable business share your actual business plan with your mum. How and when do you intend to lay her back.

Her money is probably her savings that she intends to draw down to live on during retirement.

I can't see anything in your post that suggests your business is on the up and indeed if you describe yourself as mentally vulnerable are you in a position to turn round a failing business or should you accept that trying to guilt trip your mum into handing over cash is indeed her throwing good money after bad?

saleorbouy · 03/01/2022 19:35

I'd be more worried that they get their finances in line otherwise they/you will be paying a handsome IHT tax bill, unless they get spending the £££'s.
As far as your business is concerned then it's exactly that, "your business" it's hard but you should really not run so close to the wire that you expect your parents to bail you out.
Personally I'd rather do it without their help as they will only likely gloat if it becomes successful that it's down to their seed cash injection rather than you tenacity.

ShottaSheriff · 03/01/2022 19:37

If I were them, and based on what you’ve said, I would give you the money. They clearly can afford it. As someone who is business minded, I might want to talk through the issues and understand where the £10k was going, and how further bad decisions could be avoided. I would personally find it very hard to throw away £10k so I think I’d need to know that it wouldn’t be wasted - perhaps my only red line would be a clear lack of a sustainable business plan.

I never had any financial support from my parents ever, not even the bus fare to sixth form college. They were pretty poor to be fair but also focused on their own lives and we were left without support from 16 or so on ways. I plan on supporting my own children as much as possible, as far into adulthood as they need it.

SeasonFinale · 03/01/2022 19:40

Also I suspect she meant that the supermarket job and care jobs are ones that could work around you still trying to rescue your business rather than an office managers job which would more likely be a full time thing and unlikely to be a short term contract until the business is back on its feet.

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/01/2022 19:41

You’ve said yourself that you are in trouble following a series of bad decisions (mostly from helping people). Can you not put yourself in their shoes? How do they know they’ll get their money back? You can’t guarantee that.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/01/2022 19:41

She describes your business as a hobby so that tells you how she views it so I'm not surprised she won't lend you the money. Have you gone over a business plan or explained what you'd do with it?
You say you've made poor decisions
You say you're mentally vulnerable
I'm not sure I would lend to you

AhNowTed · 03/01/2022 19:42

Depends.

Have they lent or given you money before?