Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

Yanbu but there's a lack of detail here. Your "business" could be an MLM for all we know.

Was the business generating you a decent taxable income pre Covid problems (eg. More than £20k each p.a) because if not, you probably would be better off in paid employment when you factor in paid leave, pensions, reduced risk etc.

Most small business fail, there's a reason your parents are being cautious, although it's a pity they arent willing to lend what to them is a small sum.

@2bazookas by mentally vulnerable I meant not on top form like I normally am.

Maybe mentally vulnerable are the wrong words but life is hardly a bed of roses at the moment.

OP I am really sorry. She sounds like my mum. She wouldnt help me if I lived on the streets or her grand children were homeless.

Sorry OP,
I would not “lend” you £10k if you were my adult child who had run their business into bankruptcy by bad decisions. You mention they said it would be “throwing good money after bad” which makes me think this is not the first time they have had to bail you and your DH out of a financial pickle. You refuse to work and start the business as a side hustle like any normal unentitled person does, and only brought up the “I might have to get job” to try and guilt trip your mother.

I notice how you deftly put in “over a million in cash plus property” so your parents do not have a million in cash right now...why are you even counting their home which may or may not be full paid off in your total?

You’re an adult. I think you’re getting a bit of tough love so you and your DH learn to stand on your own two feet.

People r strange when it comes to money right. I sent my parents my bank details and inadvertently sent them my balance. I had no money in there. Concerned they sent me some money. Despite telling them I had a little in savings. Didn't even ask. I would do the same for my child. I think your parents r arsewads.

People like your parents who have managed to acquire that level of money are not financial fools. If there have been a lot of times when your business and also you personally have been stretched financially maybe they do not think that the business is going to give you a good steady income.

How often have they loaned you money in the past and did they always get the same sum paid back to them. Maybe also with a box of chocs etc.
How do they feel about your DH? Do they think you have been led into these tight financial states because of him? Has DH asked your parents for money with or without your knowledge? Have you asked DH's family for loans to get through while you business has caused these financial situations? Maybe they do not wish to be seen as a cash cow while the other set of parents do not part with a penny.
A lot more to be thought over than just my parents have plenty money and I am a bit short. Look at the bigger picture before you judge your parents

Yes the business was viable but young. We were turning over enough income to start paying ourselves a wage every month.

No MLM. We produce parts for classic vehicles, lazer cut, bend etc.

We are three years in and had put everything back in during those years. (Machinery and tooling is expensive). We had been making a living wage since March before I chose to lend equipment we couldn’t afford to lose. It’s a hard lesson learnt.

If 10k was everything I had then honestly I probably wouldn't help. But given your parents are sitting on upward of a million quid in cash I actually think they are being mean unless there is a massive back story to this and they have bailed you out on other ventures etc.

There have been no other loans from any parent in the past on either side of the family.

Many millionaires (including the former US president) have run businesses into bankruptcy at numerous stages of their lives and managed to come back from it. All these sanctimonious people on this thread who wouldn't help out their kids are pretty disgusting.

What are you going to tell the bank? Honestly I don't think any bank would give you the money if you told them what you've told us here.

Don't you have business insurance to claim the loss of machinery ??

@phishy

I usually get very annoyed at people who expect handouts or house deposits from their parents, but it does seem a bit mean not to lend you £10k when they have £1m.

Unless you’re in la la land about your business idea and they can see it.

I wouldn’t go NC, that money will be coming to you one day, unless you think they will leave it to a cat refuge?

This. Agree with not going NC.

And tbh even if I thought your business was a bag of crap I'd give you 10k if you were my child.

No @EmpressCixi by a million in cash plus property, i mean just that. A million pounds in cash plus their home so around £1.4/5 million. The house has been paid off for 20 years. Their only outgoings are food and general bills.

When your mother said "maxed out at three banks" you interpreted it to mean they both had more than the bank-guarantee figure in three banks. Have you considered she might mean " their CREDIT is maxed out at three banks? That they have high credit debt?

You also said, your dad is not at all well. They may well be expecting to have to pay for private treatment, to adapt the house for disability, or for years of quality care either at home or in residential care

IOW, when she told you they could not afford to bail you out, she may have told the exact truth.

As for your suggestion to get an "office management job"; was that based on your previous career/ employment and work experience?
If not, maybe that's why she suggested care work/smkt would be more likely?

Some people think that everyone should be employed rather than work for themselves. Yes, a lot of small businesses fail, but plenty succeed - at least as far as making a decent living for the people who run them.
OP's description of her business sounds entirely viable - she is only in trouble because someone stole from her.
Also, a RTFT moment - OP has an appointment with the bank to apply for a loan. OP has not actually asked her parents for money, they just told her they couldn't spare any, and she was willing to accept this.
OP is not unreasonable to be hurt by the fact that her parents won't offer her money it sounds like they could afford to lend her, because they would prefer to see her employed (ie having to obey someone else and know her place...)

Another thought is that a pot of a million £ including value of property is not that much for a couple close to or in retirement. You mentioned your mother retired at 50. Is your father retired too? How old are they? This money has probably been scrimped and saved specifically to last the rest of their lives. They are not obligated to bail two working age, fully abled adults out whose business has failed but they want to try and make a second go of it, and don’t want to get jobs in the meantime.

I’m kind of where you are. My DH lost his job during Covid and started a business. It is making income/profit but he still went and got a 30hr/week job and I also work a job plus help his business so we can pay our bills until the business grows enough. We would never expect or ask family to support us while building or rebuilding a business. You’ve had a setback, so regroup, get jobs, rebuild as a side hustle until the business is big enough again to pay your bills.

Yanbu. 10K in the scheme of 1m is nothing. They sound toxic as well.

@Potsofpetals

No *@EmpressCixi* by a million in cash plus property, i mean just that. A million pounds in cash plus their home so around £1.4/5 million. The house has been paid off for 20 years. Their only outgoings are food and general bills.

Sorry I read that incorrectly. But again as a pp pointed out, you have speculated that they have a million in cash as youve not actually seen accounts adding up to that figure.

I’m going to tell the bank the truth @Monday55.

Our insurance doesn’t cover my stupidity unfortunately.

I am mother to to adults in their 30's I wouldn't hesitate it giving them anything I could afford, especially as they both work hard and do their best in life. Shame on your parents.

@Potsofpetals

So to clear up a few things, I’ve never asked them for money before.

By series of bad decisions I mean I helped someone who had lost their job and didn’t knock it on the head when I could see he was taking advantage of us financially. Honestly it’s it’s own thread and very boring and complicated. We are going to court and will win but we won’t get into small claims until next July. In the meantime I need to replace machinery that the former “friend” has stolen to get us back on our feet (Police not interested as I lent him the machinery ). Yes I was stupid but it was a one off.

My mother really did need help with her iPad. She retired at 50 and can get around but was out of the working world before the internet really took apps and the internet really took a hold of the working world. She can do it but it was quicker for me to do it iyswim.

My business isn’t failing @SeasonFinale. Are you my mother. You sound just like her. I made a decision to help someone out, lent them machinery we need for a few days while we were on break. they’ve pretty much stolen it and I now need to replace it while I get it back because without it we can’t weld. Financially, with the machinery back we can get back on our feet. That is not a failing business.

Your business is failing I am afraid if you are in the situation you find yourself in. If it cannot survive 2 weeks without a cash injection from your parents immediately it is failing. Perhaps it is your lack of awareness and refusal to accept this that is preventing your parents throwing good money after bad.

@EmpressCixi

Sorry OP, I would not “lend” you £10k if you were my adult child who had run their business into bankruptcy by bad decisions. You mention they said it would be “throwing good money after bad” which makes me think this is not the first time they have had to bail you and your DH out of a financial pickle. You refuse to work and start the business as a side hustle like any normal unentitled person does, and only brought up the “I might have to get job” to try and guilt trip your mother.

I notice how you deftly put in “over a million in cash plus property” so your parents do not have a million in cash right now...why are you even counting their home which may or may not be full paid off in your total?

You’re an adult. I think you’re getting a bit of tough love so you and your DH learn to stand on your own two feet.

How does "a million in cash plus property" mean they don't have a million in cash? The OP has said in other posts that they don't have a mortgage, either.

@Potsofpetals your parents sound awful and unfortunately typical of some of that generation. I really hope you get back on your feet. Good luck

I wouldn't hesitate it giving them anything I could afford

Same here, but I think the bone of contention is while the OP thinks her parents could afford to lend/risk £10k on their business, her parents have stated they cannot afford to, so don’t even ask.

No one on here can know who is correct. And ultimately it is the person with the money that decides what they can and cannot afford.

@AnneLovesGilbert

For the nasty laughing and demeaning of your skill set I’d be taking a good long break from seeing them at all. But she stood by while your dad abused you, so you know what she’s like.

I hope the bank can help you.

Is there any come back on the money you leant other people?

It wasn't clear that the person he abused was OP. "Cheating" suggests the victim was his wife.

In which case, maybe Mother learned the hard way, to protect her financial independence in old age.