Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

@empresscixi Again. My mother said they were maxed out for FCA protection at 3 other banks when I asked why there was so much money in the current and online savings account.

2 x £85000 x 3 + the 574000 I saw with my own eyes is over 1 million.

“ People like your parents who have managed to acquire that level of money are not financial fools.”

Maybe not, but maybe they were like my parents who were lucky enough to have inherited money and bought cheap properties before the housing market became a nightmare for the generations who followed. Just because you’ve played the game well doesn’t mean it’s not also rigged.

@dittymcdit
The thread grew by a page as I was typing. So sue me for missing a few posts that popped up in the in the interim.

And million in cash plus property can be read differently from
Million in cash.....plus more in property or as I read as
Million in......cash plus property. As in cash + property= 1 million.

All these sanctimonious people on this thread who wouldn't help out their kids are pretty disgusting.

Some of us are very good with business, I'd never just hand over a huge cash sum without knowing the ins and outs no matter how much I had even if they were my child.

To clarify abusive as it means many different things to me it was physical

He cheated on my mum many many times. She never left.

Maybe you’ve got a point about wanting to protect herself though @2bazookas

@Wreath21

Some people think that everyone should be employed rather than work for themselves. Yes, a lot of small businesses fail, but plenty succeed - at least as far as making a decent living for the people who run them. OP's description of her business sounds entirely viable - she is only in trouble because someone stole from her. Also, a RTFT moment - OP has an appointment with the bank to apply for a loan. OP has not actually asked her parents for money, they just told her they couldn't spare any, and she was willing to accept this. OP is not unreasonable to be hurt by the fact that her parents won't offer her money it sounds like they could afford to lend her, because they would prefer to see her employed (ie having to obey someone else and know her place...)

Stolen from her by keeping expensive equipment lent to them.

Even OP admits it was a stupid thing to do.

However, as I said, it’s a bit mean not to lend the money when they have so much.

I sincerely hope you are able to get your business up and running again OP and are able to prove your parents wrong.

[quote Potsofpetals]@empresscixi Again. My mother said they were maxed out for FCA protection at 3 other banks when I asked why there was so much money in the current and online savings account.

2 x £85000 x 3 + the 574000 I saw with my own eyes is over 1 million.[/quote]
Where does the 2 come from? Are you assuming they have individual accounts at 3 banks, so 6 accounts maxed out? I thought from your post “their current account” that they were joint account type people.

[quote scaredsadandstuck]@phishy I guess it depends on your personal values.[/quote]
And on your level of stupidity.

You asked whether your parents cared about you. I don't think you should equate handing over cash or not as proof of whether they care.

They cared enough when you made a vague enough comment that scared your mum into thinking you were suicidal to call round straightaway. Please don't lump the refusal to support a business with no liquid assets as lack of care

YANBU

I would give you the money, no strings..... But I would actually offer it, not wait to be asked. That is based on knowing full well what was going on with you, and caring.

It sounds horrible, and I m not sure what to advise with regard to the future of your relationship. Money does not HAVE to colour everything, but it can.....

I always feel like it is a bit like a sex life - a good one is 10% of a marriage, and a bad one is 90% of a marriage...... In terms of how it affects you.
Same with money - if you have enough/plenty etc., then you don't generally have it at the forefront of yor mind - but if you are broke, for whatever reason, you can think of nothing else.

My own father is a millionaire (and getting on quiite a bit); he stood by when I became homeless and did not help me even when I asked..... It is awful when you KNOW they could (not necessarily "should") but they actually won't.

[quote Potsofpetals]@empresscixi Again. My mother said they were maxed out for FCA protection at 3 other banks when I asked why there was so much money in the current and online savings account.

2 x £85000 x 3 + the 574000 I saw with my own eyes is over 1 million.[/quote]
The protection is 85,000 not 850,000.

@EmpressCixi

Where does the 2 come from? Are you assuming they have individual accounts at 3 banks, so 6 accounts maxed out? I thought from your post “their current account” that they were joint account type people.

A joint account is protected up to £170k.

@phishy
Ah thank you, maths is not my strong suit. (Obviously)

Have they given you money before?

@IamGusFring

The protection is 85,000 not 850,000.

It’s pretty obvious from the context OP means 85k, not £850k.

NRFT....they should have lent it to you its mean not to. Can't change that. Don't cut your nose to spite your face though, one day a large part of what they have now will be your pension and provide you with a comfortable retirement.

I think your parents love you in their own controlling/potentially abusive way.

The fact that your DM knew of your money issues, and could have sorted the banking stuff herself, albeit it would have taken her more time, but asked you to do it knowing it would show how much was in the account, and didn't then explain that's either set aside for X or Y already etc makes me think she did it on purpose.

I've never asked my DM for money, but she likes me to know how much she has and when I don't react to her every whim, she likes to subtly remind me about her money/my inheritance or lack of if I don't do X or Y. This might be clouding my judgement but it sounds similar sort of behaviour.

10k is a drop in the ocean considering how much money they have so yes of course I would lend it, unless there is further backstory like them having lent you money before.

@2bazookas

When your mother said "maxed out at three banks" you interpreted it to mean they both had more than the bank-guarantee figure in three banks. Have you considered she might mean " their CREDIT is maxed out at three banks? That they have high credit debt?

This doesn’t make any sense. Why would her parents have £574k savings in one account and yet be in debt in 3 other accounts?

It’s pretty clear from the context that her mum meant they have savings up to or above the compensation limit.

Having seen a very similar situation in my own family that ended badly I would not lend the money.

I would provide any help and guidance within my ability to put forward a business case for a bank, but I would not put money up.

Right now, you have more immediate concerns than what on earth your Mum is thinking about. Push it out of your head and focus on bringing some money in fast. Can you sell a car? Rent the equipment you need for a few months? Get a lodger? You have the talent, you have the customers, you just need to survive for a few weeks....

[quote EmpressCixi]@phishy
Ah thank you, maths is not my strong suit. (Obviously)[/quote]
No worries it was a perfectly reasonable question

They have never lent me a penny before. Wish I’d put that in my op.

I funded my own education. Scholarship at expensive private school. Tennis scholarship at us university. Got off the plane and walked straight into a London job with money Id saved while working in the states for three summers.

Business was funded by savings and three years of working 7 days a week. Company assets sit in the region of £330000 less a bit of depreciation I haven’t yet accounted for.

If I had the money and you were my dc, I would absolutely help out. I cant believe they also would leave you in a cold house and laugh at your face. It reminds me my own parents, my brother, his wife and tiny baby got made homeless. They didn’t ask my parents for money, they asked them if they could be guarantor on their new flat. They point blank refused to. My older brother helped them instead (I couldn’t as I’m living in the uk and they are abroad)