Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

Yes I’d lend it - actually no I’d just give it- awful behaviour of your parents OP

So out of £330k of current company assets, you cannot liquidate any of those business assets to come up with £10k cash for the business?

That doesn’t sound right, surely you can sell something, downsize the business to raise the cash yourself?

@lonelyapple

That's boomers for you...

Equally I guess you could say that is entitled youngsters for you expecting handouts.

Unclear from your post, it if your dad was abusive, this sadly sounds like a continuation of that behaviour. Why are you overlooking the abuse for the sake of your sister? Sounds like you need to reevaluate your relationship with them more than anything, the dynamic sounds very abusive from what you have said.

I wouldn't hesitate to give my DC the money. It wouldn't be a loan.

I think they are very selfish and mean spirited and would keep them at a distance in future.

I funded my own education. Scholarship at expensive private school. Tennis scholarship at us university. Got off the plane and walked straight into a London job with money Id saved while working in the states for three summers.

Look, your Mum is clearly deluded about you and shelf-stacking. Her reality is not yours and you might have to worry about her cognitive skills at some point, but not now. You'll be fine, tell the above to the bank as well as what happened with the machine. Poor timing, lesson well learned.

So let me get this straight, they won’t help you out with 1% of the amount they basically have in cash?! It’s like someone with £300 in their joint account not helping someone out with £3 basically. I also have parents who like your parents by the sound of it, were of that generation who got A LOT. Final salary pensions, cheap housing, cheap mortgage, free university education etc. My mum has literally no idea -her house is paid off, she has healthy pensions, retired early etc etc. Meanwhile I am still paying off student loans, slowly doing up a house and trying to find the money for a cycle of ivf. Then she asks why l do extra hours, why the house isn’t more finished etc

What compounds it all is she wants to give input into things that l pay for and organise e.g. my wedding. Then to add insult to injury moans “Suzy’s daughter invited lots of her parents friends to her wedding…” (yeah her parents paid for 75% of her big wedding! We had a small one and paid for it ourselves). My mum has a big birthday coming up, she’s dropped major hints “Amanda’s daughter arranged her party, how lovely is that?” (Amanda’s daughter is giving lots of support emotionally and financially. My mum in contrast, just moaned about my last big birthday, all she had to do was turn up as l had sorted it all )

You need to take a major step back, l have with my mother. It is harsh now but is an investment for your future self. No taking her to hospital appointments, organising her bills etc. She can pay for that all herself

I call bullshit on the iPad thing, that was your mum being a bitch and rubbing your face in it (we can sure easily help you but naaah!!)

Assets are very niche and specific. It’s things like tooling at £3k a go to make parts. Our cnc machine is worth the vast majority of that money.

Everything is tooling we need to continue. It’s really difficult to explain without outing our business set up.

For comparison, in a similar situation my mother gave me POA to her accounts containing all her savings (no pension) and told me to take what I needed and put it back when I could. when she wanted to buy a small holiday flat she called to check first that I would not be needing the money.

I would do the same for my dc.

YANBU. As a parent, I think any person who’d willingly watch their child struggle in life while sitting on a fortune themselves is an absolute shit.

My folks are the same - my family and I live in a tiny flat, DH and I work on precarious contracts and we’ve never so much as taken our DC abroad. My parents are millionaires, live in a massive house, piss money away on gardeners etc, but don’t do a thing to help us. I used to think oh well, it’s their money etc etc when they refused to help me pay for uni (and I incurred huge debts as a result) but now that I’m a mother I really resent them for it as I can’t imagine denying my own kids a bit of help if I could comfortably afford it.

OP a lot of people here obsessing over the equipment and your business sense which is NOT the point.

Scores of threads we see on here with DC making bad decisions and good parents talk to them and try to help out with conditions. Even if they didn't want to help they would be sympathetic.

Your mother OTOH make nasty, disparaging remarks. Whinges about how freezing your house is. Kicking you when you're already down. I dont' think she really cares whether you live or die.

At this stage treat them as people you have to be nice to for their money (if they'll even will it for you) but try to surround yourself with people who actually love and will support you.

Just because they have money does not mean that one day you may inherit it all, or indeed they will leave you anything in their will beyond and above what the law says you are legally entitled to as a child or spouse of the deceased.
My Daughter is a Law graduate, and has come across cases where a family member has left the majority of their vast estate to Charity, with only a minimum token amount to their offspring or next of kin. Very upsetting, especially when the person who has lost out has freely donated so much time and effort into caring for them before their demise, often at their own personal expense believing that their friend/relative could not afford it!

The back story about your dad seems to suggest that you think they owe you in return for your shit childhood. They don't seem to feel they owe you anything though. People don't really change so why expect someone who was mean, abusive and self-centred to be able to see things from your point of view? For all I know your mum is being wise not to lend you money, but she does also sound like a bit of a bully to me. I think it would do your self-esteem more good to distance yourself from them for the time being - not in a dramatic way, just being too busy sorting out your own life to have time to deal with their little worries. Playing hard to get does seem to have a noticeable effect on people who like to have the upper hand in a relationship.

Have you applied for the grants and loans you were entitled to as a result of Covid? I think if you have a solid business plan and particualrly cash flow analysis then a bank MAY loan you but honestly you might be better looking at other sources of finance as the banks are pathetic and totally risk adverse at the moement. When we struggled (not the last few years to be fair) we took out apersonal loan and put that into the business as capital to be repaid to us. But we were in a position where we had paid ourselves salary and could use that to evidence income.

As to your parents - at the end of the day its their money to do wth as they please. I also ran a small busness that my Mum and Dad were a bit odd about - didn't earn masses but critically I enjoyed it, it got me out, I made loads of contacts locally and it basically paid the food bill for a few years when we struggled.

I do think it sounds like you need to have a business rethink - set yourselves some ground rules (in terms of being a bit soft about others, I mean where are they now!)and set yourselves some targets and goals to work towards and put in place a plan to get there asap - look for some cash cow products whilst developing some more solid longer term prospects. 330K assets is a hell of a lot of asset to make money from - you should be making good money from that - if you are not maybe look at selling the business and look at doing something another way.

I'd be really interested for their side of this.
Maybe they're tight fisted, mean arseholes.
Or maybe they have a different interpretation of your finances and business viability.

Regardless of the money, your DM is bringing you down emotionally at a time you need building up. No one needs to be kicked when they’re down. Use the frustration to fuel your motivation, make your business a success and prove her wrong.

OP you’re getting the cruellest treatment here.

Look into grants - takes forever but pays off.

Your parents are awful.

PS it’s not just the money either. It’s the condescending and disparaging way they speak to you, l couldn’t get past either. They appears to not think a lot of you and have no concern for you

I wouldn't give ypu the money. Instead I'd pay for your groceries and your gas and electric bill for a defined period, so 6 months or so to help. I'd expect ypu to go to the bank for a loan. I'd help with rent or mortgage repayments for 6 months or so if I had the same amount of money as your parents. I don't believe it is up to them to loan you money, especially when you've made stupid decisions however kind. I wouldn't however let my kid go hungry, be cold or have a fear of losing their home if I could help it so would help in the short term.

If a child of mine was in that position I would just gift them the money.

@CatherinedeBourgh

For comparison, in a similar situation my mother gave me POA to her accounts containing all her savings (no pension) and told me to take what I needed and put it back when I could. when she wanted to buy a small holiday flat she called to check first that I would not be needing the money.

I would do the same for my dc.

This is really bad advice. POA should only be given in specific circumstances, not to give your children free reign to your savings.

*rein

@phisy - rein or reign - same effect on the savings!

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@phisy - rein or reign - same effect on the savings![/quote]
you’re right!

Your business sense is sounding worse and worse.
You have a business with £330k assets and one piece of equipment is lent out and not returned. And so presumably you need £10k to replace that one piece of equipment. Why on earth did you not have a cash account for the business able to handle the loss of 1 piece of equipment? What would you have done if this equipment had simply given up the ghost and needed to be replaced? You really should not be running your business so cash poor such that you need a loan to replace £10k piece of equipment when you are sitting on £330k in business assets.
But you did. And you can solve this yourself. You say it’s tooling at £3k for certain specialised tasks...just pick the worst selling tasks and stop offering them to customers. Cut back the business so you can sell that tooling and raise the £10k cash. Then re-expand when you have built it back up.