Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

its not really relevant to this thread though is it there are many different people in all generations and lots of people have help from parents with mortgage , inheritance etc your just tarring everyone with the same brush from one generation and not actually contributing anything helpful or answering the OP question
You sound a little bitter , its easy to think other generations had it easier but in the 80's there were some very high interest rates on mortgages and many lost equity and had to hand in keys etc

@worriedatthemoment
Different generations very definitely did find themselves dealing with very different circumstances, and some did have it easier, and that is my point, and it is an extremely pertinent point wrt the OP and the position she is in.

Fwiw, the 1980s saw a huge net expansion in home ownership, which has been a key part of fostering the growth of credit, and the ability of millions of people to build wealth based on home equity, and pass that on to children and grandchildren.

Fyi, I am in my late 50s. I just about made it into the boomer generation. So you can wind your neck in.

I generally speak to my mum two/three times a day but maybe I need to be less available to them. Thinking about the conversations we have, she never has anything positive to say about my life and I need to stop being such a doormat for her constant criticism. They don't go anywhere or do anything so I may be the only other person she speaks to some days. My long term plan was originally to move to be closer to them as they get older to assist with care but that needs to be reassessed as I think it would be a one ways street. I've settled in my mind that I am unlikely to ever receive any of their money but as they focus on making sure they are ok financially, I need to do the same and that means I won't be working less to look after them, take them to appointments as they years go by.

They can use their money to hire a fleet of carers.

Stop taking your mum's calls. She doesn't deserve your time. You are allowing her to use you as a doormat.

Get therapy. Start talking to your sister about the childhoods you had.

@mathanxiety i don't need to wind my neck in and you will also know that the 1980's saw the highest interest rates for mortgages ever over 10% so not all found it easier and its still not relevant to what the OP asked , she asked if her parents were being fair ? How easy people have had it or not isn't relevant many people still have helped their kids the same age and circumstances as the op , you cannot generalise a whole age group and say they all had it easy

As you pointed out to her they’re absolutely insane to have all the money on deposit - they aren’t protected if the bank goes bust and we’re in a time of high inflation and low interest rates, so they’re literally losing money. Then it’ll all go on care and then to the taxman so they hardly sound like they’re financially smart themselves.

Hope you get back on your feet soon. I think you’ve done the right thing. They sound toxic.