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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and money

254 replies

Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 19:15

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 03/01/2022 19:45

YABU

Your parents have no obligation to lend you money for your business. Particularly when you have a history of poor business decisions.

If your business is as viable as you say, then the bank should help and this way you're not mixing money and family in a way that could be much more damaging to your relationship.

The wider stuff is separate and you should go NC if that's what's best for you and your sanity.

OP Would you honestly do the NC thing knowing you're likely going to inherit some of they money?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2022 19:48

For the nasty laughing and demeaning of your skill set I’d be taking a good long break from seeing them at all. But she stood by while your dad abused you, so you know what she’s like.

I hope the bank can help you.

Is there any come back on the money you leant other people?

rainyskylight · 03/01/2022 19:49

It is not possible to say if you’re being unreasonable without knowing more about the series of bad decisions you made.

2pinkginsplease · 03/01/2022 19:50

I personally wouldn’t and couldn’t see my children struggling for money however you’ve tried at your business and it hasn’t worked out so it’s time to go and get a job and then you can save enough money to restart your business if you wish so I can see it from your mums point of view too,

We all need to work and earn our own money and not expect handouts from anyone.

Bagelsandbrie · 03/01/2022 19:52

If I was your parent I’d give you the money. But - I’m curious why she thinks your business is some sort of hobby? If it’s done well so far and the potential is there, why does she think this? It raises some alarm bells for me.

Original poster
Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 19:53

So to clear up a few things, I’ve never asked them for money before.

By series of bad decisions I mean I helped someone who had lost their job and didn’t knock it on the head when I could see he was taking advantage of us financially. Honestly it’s it’s own thread and very boring and complicated. We are going to court and will win but we won’t get into small claims until next July. In the meantime I need to replace machinery that the former “friend” has stolen to get us back on our feet (Police not interested as I lent him the machinery ). Yes I was stupid but it was a one off.

My mother really did need help with her iPad. She retired at 50 and can get around but was out of the working world before the internet really took apps and the internet really took a hold of the working world. She can do it but it was quicker for me to do it iyswim.

My business isn’t failing @SeasonFinale. Are you my mother. You sound just like her. I made a decision to help someone out, lent them machinery we need for a few days while we were on break. they’ve pretty much stolen it and I now need to replace it while I get it back because without it we can’t weld. Financially, with the machinery back we can get back on our feet. That is not a failing business.

OP posts:
LoannaJumley · 03/01/2022 19:53

So you've made bad decisions but think the business is viable but you need a 10k cash injection? No I wouldn't lend you the money unless I saw a concrete business plan with future projections. You being my D.C. means nothing when it comes to a business loan.

Iwonder08 · 03/01/2022 19:54

If I were your parent I would make sure your home is warm in winter and you have food. I wouldn't help you with your failed business. If it was previously successfully and you had relevant experience she wouldn't make a comment about stacking shelves however mean it sounds.

Derbee · 03/01/2022 20:02

I can understand their reluctance to lend you money, when you have shown bad judgment and got yourself into a desperate place financially.

However, the nasty comments from your mother are unnecessary and unacceptable.

Did you approach your parents for a business loan in the same way you approached the bank? Ie business plans, projections etc etc. If you asked for money because they’re rich, and you’re not, I can imagine it putting their backs up a bit

Original poster
Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 20:05

I don’t know why she sees it as a hobby really.

My BIL and sister have started an import business. It’s doing really well but again my parents seem to think it’s doomed to failure. As my father said today. ‘You have to realise it’s better to work for someone else and so will BIL when he has to go back to his day job (GP) because that load of bollocks he’s trying to run isn’t working’.

They both had high ranking public service jobs (very outing to say what). They earned very well but don’t realise today is a very different world.

OP posts:
scaredsadandstuck · 03/01/2022 20:05

So, out of kindness (if misplaced, in hindsight) you helped a friend who turned out to be an arsehole. If I was your mum I'd be proud of you for trying to do the right thing (and hope you'd learnt your lesson). As PP have said I would absolutely give my child 1% of the cash on my bank account on this situation.

Am eternally baffled by parents who think it's some kind of badge of honour to not help their kids out.

BrilliantBetty · 03/01/2022 20:06

YANBU they could easily help you and are making the choice not to. You are normal to feel upset and frustrated by that.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/01/2022 20:08

I'd be straight down to sign up with a few temp agencies. What with Covid, there should be quite a bit of demand right now for all sorts of roles.

Parents can be a bit clueless about careers in technology more advanced than they've handled. Ignore, and prove to your mum just how wrong and outdated her notions are! Making her eat her hat will be sweet revenge Grin Best of luck.

scaredsadandstuck · 03/01/2022 20:08

Ah - was going to say did they work in public sector. My parents did and cannot understand what it's like to be self employed. My mum is always confused that I can't just not work when I'm ill/it's school hols etc.

FlamingoDust · 03/01/2022 20:09

It would depend on how much as a parent I had already lent out to my child

2bazookas · 03/01/2022 20:10

Wait a minute.

You describe your situation as ;

you are mentally vulnerable

you made a series of bad decisions.

You made a comment your mother interpreted as a possible suicide risk (and you said that knowing how vulnerable she is to any hint of suicide).

You're flat broke

You didn't mention your Other. The person jointly responsible for the business and the bad decisions.

Your parents clearly do NOT share your belief that the business you bust can be saved with 10K. And all we know about them is that you're surprised by their assets (so clearly, they don't flaunt it in any way; must live quite modestly that their own DD had no idea).That suggests they know more about finance and asset management than you give them credit for.

I think your mother refused in order to save you from further loss and worse debt. and you would do well to listen to her advice.

BooksAndGin · 03/01/2022 20:11

What's to stop you having the money off them and then making more bad decisions and then unable to repay the loan back though?
You've said you've learnt your lesson but it doesn't prove you won't make more mistakes unfortunately. £10,000 is a lot of money to loose. YABU.

phishy · 03/01/2022 20:12

@scaredsadandstuck

So, out of kindness (if misplaced, in hindsight) you helped a friend who turned out to be an arsehole. If I was your mum I'd be proud of you for trying to do the right thing (and hope you'd learnt your lesson). As PP have said I would absolutely give my child 1% of the cash on my bank account on this situation.

Am eternally baffled by parents who think it's some kind of badge of honour to not help their kids out.

I think I’d be more exasperated at my child lending away expensive equipment that they need for their fledgling business rather than proud.

It doesn’t show sound business sense.

Original poster
Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 20:12

This is the thing @Derbee. I never asked them for anything. The initial conversation was a before you ask don’t bother because we haven’t got it. This was in response to me telling them I was going to get a loan.

I was shocked that they had so much money but whatever.

It’s just today. The nasty comments about my capabilities. The constant badgering to give it all up and go and work for someone else.

I think what I’m trying to get from this thread is whether my parents actually care about me in general. They turned up because they thought I might hurt myself but left because it was too cold to sit in the house. Their actions say contradicting things constantly.

I think I’m trying to ascertain whether I would be better distancing myself from them.

OP posts:
NannaMcPhoo · 03/01/2022 20:12

You might have viable business in theory but due to poor decisions you have made it is not currently viable, not matter what you claim.

Yes if they have millions but perhaps you have a history of poor decisions or money management and they think you will benefit from having a guaranteed income of a regular 9-5. It is their decision and no matter how many people agree with you on there it will not change their mind.

Mummapenguin20 · 03/01/2022 20:13

My child. Yes i would no matter what

ManicPixie · 03/01/2022 20:15

Rightly or wrongly she obviously doesn’t take your business seriously so would see a bailout as money down the drain. You say yourself you (or a business partner?) have made bad decisions to get to this point.

I can see why it would hurt all the same. It’s not much to them in the scheme of things.

2TurtleDovesInARow · 03/01/2022 20:16

I think they sound crackers. If it were my kids and I had it, yes I would give it or at least lend it. I'd also be incredibly proud of a kid that had the balls to start and run their own business. They sound awful and I really hope you get back on your feet soon.

NannaMcPhoo · 03/01/2022 20:16

Have they loaned or gifted you money previously?

scaredsadandstuck · 03/01/2022 20:17

@phishy I guess it depends on your personal values.