Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

OP,

You sound like an amazing young woman.
A tennis scholarship is an extraordinary achievement.

My friends son has recently been awarded one for next year.

She has spent years following him around to tournaments and has spent many, many thousands on his coaching.

Your parents don't sound very supportive of you unfortunately so stepping away from them whilst you focus on your business is wise.

Their need to belittle and criticise you is not helpful.

I can't imagine not giving my child such a small amount to help.

I mean this kindly, but I really hope you have learned from the experience of being taken advantage of and never allow it to happen again.

Best of luck.

I'd gently distance myself and reduce contact with your parents, because they are unpleasant, unsupportive and insulting about your abilities. Not because they won't give you money (I know you didn't ask them for any) but because they don't show any empathy towards you and it's affecting your MH.

@RandomLondoner many people struggle consider yourself fortunate that you have not , i deal with people daily who cannot afford to heat their homes and its not because they don't work or are lazy , you are detached from many peoples reality
If you have a child who is struggling and you can help why wouldn't you or vice versa you have a parent struggling and you can easily help
I can't believe people can't understand fuel poverty and look down on others with such ease

@RandomLondoner the op Has no idea if they have investments as she didn't know what kind of money they had
Plus not everyone is in to investments no matter how low risk as there is no such thing as zero risk

[quote worriedatthemoment]@RandomLondoner many people struggle consider yourself fortunate that you have not , i deal with people daily who cannot afford to heat their homes and its not because they don't work or are lazy , you are detached from many peoples reality
If you have a child who is struggling and you can help why wouldn't you or vice versa you have a parent struggling and you can easily help
I can't believe people can't understand fuel poverty and look down on others with such ease [/quote]
There really is a night-and-day difference between "many people" and someone who got a scholarship to study in the US, worked in the finance industry for 13 years, and currently owns a business with assets of 330K.

I honestly struggle to understand families like this... My own widowed mum has a similar cash amount to yours, and is probably of a similar vintage.
I have quite a low-paid zero hours contract type job, which I took in order to protect my mental health, which was declining. I am now much, much better, but still not at a point of wanting to step back into a more serious job.
My mum helped me out financially during the first and third lockdowns, and gave me AND my sister a large cash sum each for our birthdays this year (MUCH more than you have asked for from yours).

Has yours actually given you a reason as to WHY she won't help you out? She's clearly got zero faith in your ability to make the business work... Have you put more money in than you've got back? Helping out others, at the expense of yourself during covid, seems a very strange strategy to an outsider. You will have had your reasons, all of which were very well-meaning and noble, I'm sure. But they don't seem very business-savvy, and indicate that you don't care much about profit margins etc.

Perhaps mum's view is that it's better that the business does just fold now, rather than getting you into more and more financial strife.

HOWEVER, if mum is just being a knob... at least you can mentally scrub your hands of any future care that may be required as your parents age!

This is an awful situation. Your father was violent and your mother didn’t stop the abuse. They didn’t help with your education in spite of being sat on that amount of money. Your mother in particular seems desperate to hold you back and stop you from progressing which is abusive in itself. I would honestly go nc based on this alone.

Re the business, I don’t believe that parents should provide an endless supply of cash to their dc, but I couldn’t see mine in this sort of situation and not help them. It seems like another example of your parents trying to stifle you. Take a step back from them and try to focus on ways to help yourself because they will bend over backwards to make things more difficult so they can gloat about your perceived failure.

@RandomLondoner not really when you hit hard times you hit hard times
A millionaire can loose it all overnight even and need help
They had a tennis scholarship obviously didn't go on to earn mega money from it and worked and have put in to a business , assets are not the same as cash
Many people live in a £500000 house but don't have much in way of money , my own parents had a house worth £600000 in london just because prices went up , they had to sell and move out of the area as they couldn't afford to live there and stay in small house as no pensions etc , so asset wise on paper they looked good , put available money was low

Most college sports scholarships, especially in the less watched sports don't continue onto careers in the industry. I was good but I have hypermobility syndrome and flat feet that are now becoming painful. I need an operation that would see me off my feet twice for 8 weeks at a time. Who has the time for that kind of nonsense. In short I am no Serena.

I'm unaware of any investments but who the hell knows at this stage. I wouldn't be surprised. I recall share certificates being in the house when I was younger. I do remember them getting burned at some stage when the market crashed but I believe everybody was in the same boat and if I recall correctly the investments recovered. I've no idea if they still have them.

Their pensions are such that their income is nearly the same now as it was when they were working. I know this because they tell me frequently. My dad still consults a couple of days week and as such I know they are living off that and still saving money every month.

Its all irrelevant really. Its their money to do with as they chose. My original OP was me being more pissed off with the comments about my capabilities to get a potential job in an office environment. I found it very hurtful and leaving because they were cold was the straw that broke the camels back really.

We are going to sell a car (vintage stock not my every day run around). I've made a few phone calls and it will likely go by the end of the week. Not ideal but it is what it is.

Thank you to the posters that have reassured me that my parents behaviour is odd. I will be distancing myself from here on in. This is difficult because I generally speak to my mum two/three times a day but maybe I need to be less available to them. Thinking about the conversations we have, she never has anything positive to say about my life and I need to stop being such a doormat for her constant criticism. They don't go anywhere or do anything so I may be the only other person she speaks to some days. My long term plan was originally to move to be closer to them as they get older to assist with care but that needs to be reassessed as I think it would be a one ways street. I've settled in my mind that I am unlikely to ever receive any of their money but as they focus on making sure they are ok financially, I need to do the same and that means I won't be working less to look after them, take them to appointments as they years go by.

My mum complains that my sister doesn't care about them. There has been the rare occasion where my sister calls when I've been on the phone. My mum can't hang up quick enough to speak to her. My sister keeps them at arms length to a certain degree and I need to do the same. I know DSis has had counselling for childhood trauma. My mum always states that there is something that will have happened that we don't know about. DSis has never disclosed why she is undergoing counselling to me. I do wonder if nothing has happened that I don't know about and she is simply dealing with her upbringing. I'm starting to realise that I could do with some myself as there is obviously a lot that I had brushed under the carpet for an easy life.

Well done, Petals. You'll soon be back up and running again I'm sure there are some good things about your folks, but you're going to need to develop selective deafness around them. Crab bucket, I think, that's what's going on.

I have grown up children. I absolutely could not and would not sit on thousands of pounds knowing they were desperate for money. If I only had a tenner and they had nothing, I’d give it to them.

^^agreed

If I was your mum the money would have been in your bank account before Christmas as an early Christmas present. I’m really shocked that she wouldn’t give you a sum that’s peanuts to her.

Borrow money from the bank = no emotional ties

Borrow money from family or friends = emotional ties

Suggest, Borrow from the bank

@inmyslippers

That is very much how I feel about giving money to children. If I’ve got it they can have it. I don’t know if this is clouding my judgement and building resentment where Im possibly not entitled to build it.

My dd1 wanted me to buy the newsagents where her partner worked (disaster written all over it) because she will not get out of bed - crucial in this role - and her partner had dubious friends hanging round the business. She has also constantly asked me to act as a guarantor - again a no. It might sound harsh but I was already bringing up two of her children. She has now started taking money off her eldest son who has only just started out on an apprenticeship.

I have nowhere near the funds of your parents op and tbh, it is your dm's casual cruelty towards you which is so much worse than the money issue. I try to be a kind and decent parent but I do not think I would bail you out. I think the bank's decision will be telling as to the viability of the business.

That said, I am sorry for you because you sound like you have worked hard, it has taken it's toll and sometimes it really is time to call it a day.

Comparing my very viable business to someone who won’t get out of bed and using your own personal views on your DD to discredit what I’ve built @ElsieMc is as insulting as my own mother’s opinions on my capabilities.

On what grounds would you say it was time to call it a day? Have you read my replies? If every business packed in after 1 blip there would be no businesses.

It's shameful that parents in a position to help their children choose not to do so.

Your parents sound like the typical "boomer" type who believe their success was all down to their hard work and therefore anyone who is not as successful as they were isn't trying hard enough. Ignoring the facts of being able to retire at 50, buying property cheaply etc.

Do you think you'll inherit their wealth from them? If you're confident you will it's probably worth hanging on with the contact, putting up with their barbs, because in the long run you'll be able to cash in.

If they're the sort who will think nothing of leaving their estate to charity and zero to you, you may as well cut your losses and cease contact with them now.

OP,

What on earth are you doing on the phone several times a day to a mother who puts you down?

Kindly meant, but get a grip.

Stop answering the phone.
Be busy.
Earning money!

As for moving closer?

Are you out of your mind.

Stop engaging with parents that use you as an emotional punching bag.

Definitely get therapy, for being on the phone several times a day, to someone who puts you down constantly.

Get therapy for that alone.

You have a perfect excuse to no longer answer the phone.

You are busy making a living.

Simply text it after a few days and simply step away and give your head some peace and space.

@Potsofpetals No intention to insult op, you canvassed opinions. You asked posters if they would lend money in a similar situation. I said I understood you had worked hard and used my dd's situation as a polar opposite. I pointed out that you had clearly worked hard and highlighted your dm's casual cruelty and said I felt sorry for you.

You have also stated that it has had a significant impact upon you and that you had made poor decisions. You have had similar responses further back in the thread.

@Asdf12345

Having seen a very similar situation in my own family that ended badly I would not lend the money.

I would provide any help and guidance within my ability to put forward a business case for a bank, but I would not put money up.

Even when it's less than 1 per cent of your savings??

I would not stand by and let my child really struggle and sit on money that I didn't need...

Also if I had experience in business I'd be making damn sure they were using it properly and structuring the expenditure well.

I think there's a few reasons they won't help OP. They clearly have a very low appetite for risk if all of their savings are just sat in the bank, where interest rates have been pathetic for quite a while. They would get a better rate of return from a stocks and shares portfolio or property although we don't for definite know they haven't done that with some of it I suppose. They also probably don't know much about business and it soubds like they aren't interested as they've always worked in the public sector. Lending to a business does involve an element of risk that they obviously deem unacceptable.

That said as your parent I would have at least made sure you had enough money to switch the heating on and buy food until you sorted your financing, even if I didn't think your business was a good proposition.
There's also an element of them wanting to keep you in your place / keep you down?
Your mother's comments to you are cruel and I'm surprised you talk to her 2-3 times a day to listen to that. She sounds like an unhappy woman and she is taking it out on you. I think you are right that's why your sister keeps her distance and is the reason she has counselling.
I think this refusal to help you has a silver lining - if they'd lent you the money you'd feel obligated towards them. Now you are free to create a bit of distance and look after yourself, which it sounds like you need.

I'm sorry that your parents have acted this way op.

I understand your upset, OP, but the sort of people who amass a million unexpectedly are not the sort of people who loan money as bail outs.

They’re obviously (possibly understandably) risk averse. Also as others have said, your allusion to your own list of bad decisions is probably convincing them their decision is the right one.

I think you've got the right idea. Buckle down and reduce contact. It's clearly a one way street. Unbelievable as well as incredibly undermining behaviour. You can get through this and be (even more) self sufficient. I can't believe with that amount they haven't even offered a loan. Good luck op.

I'm sorry your parents are acting like arses.

I can't understand their attitude really. I simply couldn't sit on that kind of money and just watch my child struggle needlessly. I would give them the money as a gift. The only proviso might be that I may look for reassurance that it was being spent properly.

I hope you get back on your feet soon, despite your miserly parents.

Once you are back up and running I think you need to take a leaf out of your sister's book, taking a big step back from them. For your own sanity.