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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with partner over no engagement?

256 replies

bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:08

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Coop80 · 01/01/2022 15:11

Why not propose to him then?

Fizzgigg · 01/01/2022 15:11

Doesn't sound like he wants to get married so you need to focus on what's within your control now.

Can you be happy unmarried or is it a deal-breaker for you?
What were your plans for returning to work after maternity leave? Do you need to revise them now (do not go part time or become a SAHM if not married)?
What is your living situation? Rental or owned?

You need to make sure you're protected and secure regardless of whether you stay together or not

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/01/2022 15:12

I would now be saying (when he reappears and can discuss it like an adult) 'fine, if that's your last word then I'll get ready to be a single parent and obviously baby will have my surname'.

Horst · 01/01/2022 15:12

Sounds like he doesn’t want marriage. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t give up work. Make sure he pays his fair share of all child related costs.

bcc89 · 01/01/2022 15:13

You need to start/continue protecting yourself financially as a single mum.

CheshireCats · 01/01/2022 15:14

Definitely give baby your surname

M0rT · 01/01/2022 15:15

It's the lying that would worry me, if he can string you along about getting married to the point of planning the type of event what else is he stringing you along about?
Does he have any intention of helping you care for your baby? Will he be supportive financially, emotionally, practically?
Or is he thinking that a baby and a wedding would leave him financially vulnerable in case you split up?
You know him and your relationship, but instead of worrying about how he feels and what he wants have a think about how you feel and what you want.

2pinkginsplease · 01/01/2022 15:15

Doesnt sound like he wants to get married. You now have a baby on the way and a proposal is the last thing on his mind.

The older I've got i've noticed that if a man hasnt proposed before you have a baby then they rarely do!

Newnamefor2021 · 01/01/2022 15:15

Sure a difficult place to be. I think you need to not be thinking of it as a partnership in the sense you hold your own. Don't stop work, stay full time. Make sure he pays for half the costs of the baby. Don't give baby his last name.

He doesn't want to give you that security then don't give him the benefits. Look out for your own interests.

You can still have a loving relationship, but just be careful to make sure you look out for your interests.

DdraigGoch · 01/01/2022 15:16

If he doesn't want to get married, then he can't expect any of the benefits of marriage. That means that your career must not suffer (in comparison with his) because you won't have the financial protection.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2022 15:16

You've been played, op. He has absolutely no intention of ever marrying you and he never did. He was just saying what you wanted to hear. You need to get yourself prepared to be a single parent.

notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2022 15:17

He doesn't want to marry you, sorry

Please be aware of the financial implications of this eg dont give up work and be dependent on him, as you could be left high and dry

Fireflygal · 01/01/2022 15:17

Sadly it does seem like he has strung you along. Disappearing and leaving you is very immature and doesn't bode well for when the baby arrives. He will literally leave you holding the baby.

It is time to focus on you. This man doesn't want to marry you so plan for a solo life. Really tough to face that prospect when you assumed you would be a couple. However he seems to have decided he has the power so time to make him see you have choices as well.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/01/2022 15:18

Sounds like he doesn’t want marriage. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t give up work. Make sure he pays his fair share of all child related costs.
I agree unfortunately. If he can't commit now, he never will. I would start to make plans alone, it'll be easier in the long run.

RedCandyApple · 01/01/2022 15:19

You couldn’t have been that fussed about marriage if you got pregnant before marriage, I agree with a pp he’s much less likely to propose now. I wouldn’t propose to him as suggested as it doesn’t actually sound like he wants to get married.

QueenofDestruction · 01/01/2022 15:21

If he doesnt want to marry you whilst pregnant with his child, its doubtful he ever will. I would leave as without marriage you have no financial protection if you take a career break to be a mother, also the if he knows how important it is to you, and he won't even though you are pregnant he wants to keep his options open and isn't enough into you. This happened to my SIL and they had a fight about it when she was pregnant with no.2. He just didn't believe in marriage until a year after the breakup when he married his next girlfriend.

Viviennemary · 01/01/2022 15:23

He wants to leave his options open. Is it finances thst is making him drag his feet.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/01/2022 15:25

Oh Dear… firstly FlowersFlowersFlowers
What a shit situation
I am guessing the baby isn’t planned?

I will start by saying I don’t represent most people on here but a child out of wedlock was NOT an option I wanted. I knew I wanted a full family experience with commitment from my partner which for me included marriage.

I would be having a totally serious conversation with yourself and him.
What do you want?
For me if I wanted to be with him I would issue an ultimatum on marriage or you go to a registry ASAP now before the baby is born.
If he isn’t agreeable I would end the relationship and terminate asap. That is a pretty nuclear option but I know myself and that would be the right choice for me. I couldn’t bear to share a child and be tied to a man for 20+ years who didn’t love me and for me personally, while I realise marriages can go wrong I would never want to be a “foreseeably single parent”

PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2022 15:25

Get over yourself and insist.

TooWicked · 01/01/2022 15:26

Well for starters…

Give the child your surname, not his.

Don’t quit work.

Tell him he’ll be paying half the childcare costs and he will need to do 50% of the nursery drop offs, pick ups, take time off work if your child is sick, etc.

AhNowTed · 01/01/2022 15:27

You've been played and now you're pregnant anyway there's no incentive.. that was the card you had and I'm afraid you wasted it.

As previous posters have said, plan everything as if you're a single parent.

SocialConnection · 01/01/2022 15:27

He doesn't want to marry you.

He doesn't want to be your husband.

He doesn't want you to be his wife.

You've established that already.

Give baby your own surname.

Keep working, separate income, bank account, savings etc.

Don't become dependant on him.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 15:28

Start saving up to leave him and focus on your career as much as you can. Either leave now or after mat leave if he is going to financially support you through this.

Vapeyvapevape · 01/01/2022 15:28

He doesn’t want to get married and probably never did, but is happy to have a child with you, which in my book is a much bigger commitment. I’d be unhappy with this too Op and the fact that he can’t discuss it like an adult but strops off in the car 🙄

AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 15:29

Do not do any more 'wait and see', now is not the time. Other posters and the ones above all make very important and necessary suggestions. To pack up/drive off and leave you over this argument is worrying, it doesn't sound like you even know where you are with him/the situation.

Partners can and do change dramatically in pregnancy. If his preference for marriage has changed before pregnancy he should have had the decency of letting you know. Not ok.

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