To be upset with partner over no engagement?

[bluenewyear23]

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

@TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain

He doesn't want to marry you. I've seen this happen lots of times: the man pisses about and strings the woman along with coy talk about proposals, then claims he's not ready. If you decide to leave him, prepare for him to get together with another woman very quickly and marry her. I don't know why they do that, but they do.

Because whatever excuses they give e.g.. I don't believe in marriage, we will do it on my time, when the baby is older etc,etc..Funda mentally it means I don't want to marry YOU, simply I don't love you enough to tie myself to you in that way. I know I told you in the past I said I wanted to get married, I was not lying but I just don't want to marry you. I want to keep my options open in case I meet someone I really care about, her I will marry

Don't feel silly. It is nothing you have done wrong. It's all on him being a dick.

I was able to convert the holiday I accrued on mat leave into wages, which got me another month's pay for month 10. Worth looking into.

Pregnancy was actually planned - I'm in the last few years I can have a child, so wanted one even if it came before the marriage I thought we had planned. Feel a bit silly about that now, clearly couldn't really trust him. I wish a marriage wasn't important to me, but it is - unsure how to feel otherwise.

You are not silly.

He's being an a-hole.

He may step up and sort things out once he realises you are going to make step up to his responsibilities but not make life cushy for him.

I do feel sorry for you bluenewyear23 but why wait for a man to propose to you in this day and age?
Getting married should be a joint decision, like. having a ‘shall we get married then?’ conversation.
Then you know exactly where you are and can’t be disappointed when he doesn’t propose.

I’m sorry to hear your updates. But you do sound as though you are taking on board all comments.

If he’s around the same age as you, and you refer to being at the last few years when you can have a child, neither of you therefore are young early twenties.

Sadly if he doesn’t want to marry you now I don’t feel he wants to marry you at all. Do you really want to stay with someone who has strung you along so badly and let you down like this?

It’s the start of a New Year, you are pregnant with a new future and he’s stormed out. I’m so sorry but this really doesn’t bode well.

@LaChanticleer

The complicating factor here is that you’re pregnant.

If you split your DP will be responsible for child maintenance but you’ll not be entitled to any of the usual protections of marriage in terms of property etc.
So if you don’t get married DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Unless you’re a much higher earner than your DP, DO NOT become financially dependent on your DP after having children. You’ll be screwed.

^ This

@CandyLeBonBon

What is the matter with these men? Happy to procreate but think that marriage is somehow the more difficult commitment

In most cases, they aren't frightened of commitment at all. They are often quite happy to marry the OW.

Even if marriage isn't important to one person, as long as they are not actively against it, then surely they should do it for the person they care about?

Don’t allow him to crawl back and string you along with the promise of a big wedding. If you do patch things up, book a registry office and get married well before baby arrives. Marriage is the really important bit (if it’s what you want). Don’t let him bamboozle you with the promise of a big party. It won’t happen.

you aren’t silly, you believed someone who you thought you could trust.
He’s the one who has lied and treated you quite shockingly. I’m sorry you’re in this position but you sound like you have your head screwed on and won’t let him get away with treating you like this.

I'll never understand folks who think that having a baby together is so much less of a commitment than a marriage.

OP I totally get why you want to be married. I was exactly the same and I am far from traditional or religious. I wanted the security and protection a marriage provides. I also thought that it just makes things simpler and if he wasn't prepared to do that well I wouldn't be producing any children.

If he doesn't understand this then I'm afraid you may have to just move on.

@bluenewyear23

We own and it's in both names, will have to figure out if I can manage mortgage alone if we split.

Pregnancy was actually planned - I'm in the last few years I can have a child, so wanted one even if it came before the marriage I thought we had planned. Feel a bit silly about that now, clearly couldn't really trust him. I wish a marriage wasn't important to me, but it is - unsure how to feel otherwise.

In which case you want the baby… so that’s one decision made.

Surname is a good idea and you should progress whatever his protests.

I would be looking into childcare and mat leave and how you’ll finance now.
I would discuss “saving” for maternity and childcare now. Get your DP start saving and if possible get him to put the savings into an account which you hold in your name if at all possible.

I only say this as I am pregnant and was shocked that our nursery full time will be £2.1k per month which is a serious outlay

Unsurprisingly, now you're pregnant suddenly he's changed his mind about marriage

And all the legal protections it gives you!

If he doesn't want to get married fine. His choice.
If you want to stay with him, unmarried then protect yourself financially. Don't give up your job, don't reduce your hours.

Give the child your surname.
Sort out as much of the legal stuff as possible that would normally come as part of the marriage contract.

Sadly he won't marry you. If he was really excited about the birth of his baby and really loved you he would love to marry you. He's go out of his way to propose.
It sounds to me as if he can't be bothered about either.
I'd be thinking about protecting myself from 50/50 custody right now and making sure you have a job to go to.
Better to leave now, make sure you don't have his name on the birth certificate and your baby has your last name.
Watch out for those baby hormones they can cause you to soften up and trust people you can't trust.
Do you have any relatives who will support you?

Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future?

How long are you prepared to wait waste your time on this man?

You said you wanted a baby even if that meant having one before marriage so you've got what you wanted and I think you now need to focus on raising your child alone. I would think if he hasn't proposed in years then he isn't ever going to propose and the fact he keeps saying 'on my own terms' would raise alarm bells with me because surely getting engaged and married is something you should both agree on? He's been stringing you along and now you're pregnant he's left. If you earn more than him then start working out your finances and how you will do it all on your own.

He sounds like a complete twat; stringing you along & making it all HIS decision! You're 3mths pregnant with his child & he's disappeared in a childish strop & turned his phone off? Absolute dick.

You're 3mths pregnant with his child & he's disappeared in a childish strop & turned his phone off? Absolute dick.

I'd dump him for that alone. How fucking dare he? He's an absolute fuckwit.

Mortgage - play around with a mortgage calculator and take the current balance outstanding (plus any equity you may need to give him) and extend it to the maximum term, ie nationwide take it upto 70. This may mean you can afford it then and downsize when child is independent to pay off outstanding mortgage.

Lots of good advice upthread. My DP was somewhat like this, our DS is 11 now and we are still not married. I somewhat regret not giving DS my surname (my Grandma advised me to, but I didn't listen).

So glad property is in joint names and you may be able to buy him out as the higher earner. You and your baby deserve the great start you have been working towards. So sorry the marriage plan is not going as you would like .
Look into when you have to go back to work to earn enough to cover higher mortgage costs/your share of childcare costs . What worries me about posts on MN is it seems in a lot of cases child maintenance does not cover childcare costs (just a percentage of NRP earnings, and then the NRP takes the child on a day when they do not need expensive childcare costs). One of the benefits of marriage seems to be if you do divorce you can get a settlement through solicitors/court that appears to take individual circumstances more into account.

@bluenewyear23

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it's confirmed what my head was telling me. And the back and forth/messing around has just been painful.

I'll definitely give the child my surname,
I was thinking this.
We were going to split maternity 9months me and 3 months him. I earn more than him and can return to my job anytime within 12 months. How would it work as a single parent? I don't think I could afford on statutory - so perhaps I'll have to return to work earlier?

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's shit to find out the man you loved was a Future Faker, stringing you along. But now you know the truth, you can plan based on that truth and not the fantasy he spun.

I returned to work after 4 months maternity leave, because we simply couldn't pay the bills otherwise. It was fine. I found a lovely childminder for my son, and I went into work safe in the knowledge that he was happy and cared for. I'd start asking around for recommendations for childminders and/or nurseries soon, to give yourself lots of time to find the right one for you.

Yeah I’m sorry OP, but in my experience it’s rare for men to propose after babies. All my friends who are married did so pre-babies, and out of the ones who didn’t, they either have partners who ‘don’t believe in marriage’ or they’re engaged for years and years, but the bloke manages to dodge actually getting down the aisle. Usually a second DC coming along provides a distraction.

I think you need to financially protect yourself and think about whether being unmarried forever is for you.

@Aquamarine1029

You've been played, op. He has absolutely no intention of ever marrying you and he never did. He was just saying what you wanted to hear. You need to get yourself prepared to be a single parent.

Absolutely this.

100% played.

Do you really want to be a single parent?

I would seriously re think what you want from life.

His messying you around was a big flag.

He now has really fxxked you over.
He won't marry you.

You are pregnant and going into single parenthood and all the challenges that it brings.

Are you really going to be in a position to move forward with your life from him?
With a new baby?

He has maneuvered you into a tight spot.
Deliberately.

Obviously I am very pro choice.
If you were MY daughter, I would be telling you to think long and hard about what sort of life you want.

Do you really want a baby with someone who would do this to you?

Having to co parent for the next 20+ years with the type of guy who would string you along like this.

'Cos he clearly isn't madly in love with you.
If he was, he would have followed through.

Do not allow his dishonesty and duplicity to define your life?.

Forget about him, he's a loser.
Think solely about yourself.

Do you really want this baby, on your own, and all that that brings, parenting alone?

The very best of luck whatever you decide.

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound like a good bet for a supportive dad even if he did stick around. If you wish to go ahead with the pregnancy you should start preparing to be a single parent, and sort out your finances etc as he clearly cannot be relied on. I'm sure there are many many mothers who wish they have got married before getting pregnant, as much as some pooh-pooh the idea of marriage it is still surely preferable when there are children to consider.