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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with partner over no engagement?

256 replies

bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:08

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 01/01/2022 15:29

Consider your pregnancy options.

friendlycat · 01/01/2022 15:29

I think you need to think very very carefully about your future.

Sorry but this is not the dream situation to be in.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 15:30

Whats the housing situation is it both names on the mortgage?

PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2022 15:32

I have known several people in the situation you are in. Women that desperately wanted to get married. Their partners didn’t.

In each case these silly women gave the baby the man’s surname. In each case he married someone else.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/01/2022 15:32

What is the matter with these men? Happy to procreate but think that marriage is somehow the more difficult commitment

Outlyingtrout · 01/01/2022 15:33

Was the baby planned? Seems like he’s reluctant to give you the protections that come with marriage. He knows what these are and when he says that he doesn’t want to get married and it’s not important to him, he’s actually saying “I don’t want you to have the financial protections of marriage and it’s not important to me that you have those”.

This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. Fuck the romance and the big party. He’d either be down the registry office this month making sure I had the protection I needed, or I’d be going it alone as a single parent. That baby would absolutely have my name.

FortniteBoysMum · 01/01/2022 15:33

Been there. For heavens sake make it clear now the baby is having your name. Tell him if you get married then you will change it but it's not up for discussion.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 15:34

Is he the higher earner? If so ask if he'd marry you if you were the higher earner and then let him be SAHP?

RedWingBoots · 01/01/2022 15:34

Act like your a single mother from now on. You have already been given advice about staying in work.

If you don't want him at scans or the birth due to his flakey selfish behaviour and want one of your female relations e.g. mum, sister then make sure your midwife knows that you don't want him around. He then won't be allowed to come.

When you register the birth don't invite him. If he wants to be on the birth certificate then he can get himself put on it afterwards. It is actually very easy for a father to do this but they need to make the effort.(Funny thing this one of my own male DP bug bears and he will call out other men who can't be bothered.)

Once the child is born sort out childcare etc without relying on him.

Make sure that you avoid giving your child unfettered contact with his relations if he doesn't step up.

He needs to learn with children he has responsibilities not rights.

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 15:34

@KiloWhat

Is he the higher earner? If so ask if he'd marry you if you were the higher earner and then let him be SAHP?
Although tbh I don't think I'd want to marry someone that shallow but it will tell you a lot about him.
Original poster
bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:34

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it's confirmed what my head was telling me. And the back and forth/messing around has just been painful.

I'll definitely give the child my surname,
I was thinking this.
We were going to split maternity 9months me and 3 months him. I earn more than him and can return to my job anytime within 12 months. How would it work as a single parent? I don't think I could afford on statutory - so perhaps I'll have to return to work earlier?

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 01/01/2022 15:36

So he has changed the rules if your relationship. Don't just accept that, write some if your own. They could include

Child having your surname
Him not being in the birth certificate
You not becoming the de facto prime parent

A re-thinking of shared finances, bills etc

You now know he won't marry you and make all of that simple. So you, as the one who would lose out most, will have to set in motion plans to best protect your earning potential, ability to sustain you and your child independently.

If he has the brass neck to complain about anything you choose to do you can point out that his inaction, lack of legal commitment made it necessary. In fact, as it is him who doesn't want to get married, he should be the one leading this.

But as he has flounced out in a childish hissy fit I can only assume he won't be able to assimilate that.

sjxoxo · 01/01/2022 15:36

Agree don’t give baby his surname, and make plans to protect yourself with him 50% of child costs & support. Seems odd that he was keen before and not now.. what does he say when you ask what’s changed his mind? I think it’s easy today to brush off not getting married as a sort of ‘modern’ thing go do but I think you need to explain clearly to him, (if you are still prepared to be with him
unmarried) that this does change the lie of the land and therefore your baby will have your surname & that your finances need a clear plan. I suspect this might come as a shock to him but hold your ground. If he doesn’t want marriage and the things that come with it, that includes his child and you sharing his surname, and means that your finances need to be well defined. If he kicks up a fuss ask him what he would suggest? Does he realise the legal implications/advantages of being a married family? I think many people don’t really know what marriage means legally xo

KiloWhat · 01/01/2022 15:36

Oh that's great you're in a good position. You can still split the maternity but dump his ass when you go back?

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2022 15:36

As mumsnet always says if marriage hasnt appeared you walk, your pregnant now so he has you over a barrel

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 01/01/2022 15:37

He doesn't want to marry you. I've seen this happen lots of times: the man pisses about and strings the woman along with coy talk about proposals, then claims he's not ready. If you decide to leave him, prepare for him to get together with another woman very quickly and marry her. I don't know why they do that, but they do.

2022success · 01/01/2022 15:39

Well he will have to pay child maintenance for his baby, and you may be entitled to so e UC depending on your income (AFAIK they still don't include CM in UC calculations.)

Do you own or rent? Can you stay where you are or will you have to move? Flowers

BootySOS · 01/01/2022 15:39

He isn't in this.
Was your pregnancy planned?
Keep as much of your independence as you possibly can.

DicklessWonder · 01/01/2022 15:41

I was married 10 years before having DD. She still got my surname. Nothing stopping a man from changing his name if he wants to match so badly. (DH hasn’t. She’s now a teen.)

Original poster
bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:43

We own and it's in both names, will have to figure out if I can manage mortgage alone if we split.

Pregnancy was actually planned - I'm in the last few years I can have a child, so wanted one even if it came before the marriage I thought we had planned. Feel a bit silly about that now, clearly couldn't really trust him. I wish a marriage wasn't important to me, but it is - unsure how to feel otherwise.

OP posts:
Notamaidenname · 01/01/2022 15:43

He doesn’t want to marry you.
What more do you need to know.

Make all of your decisions on that basis.

Hes now gone and left you with no car and switched his phone off, whilst you’re pregnant? He sounds great too.

namechangedforthis1ne · 01/01/2022 15:45

@bluenewyear23 I'm so sorry op I hope your feeling ok Thanks

AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 15:50

@bluenewyear23

We own and it's in both names, will have to figure out if I can manage mortgage alone if we split.

Pregnancy was actually planned - I'm in the last few years I can have a child, so wanted one even if it came before the marriage I thought we had planned. Feel a bit silly about that now, clearly couldn't really trust him. I wish a marriage wasn't important to me, but it is - unsure how to feel otherwise.

Don't feel silly Flowers there are billions of people who have hoped for the best, hoped for better, hoped things would change. You now know you deserve better and were being fobbed off. Actions (or the lack of!) always speak louder.

You can do this! I hope you're okay, be kind to yourself, there are so many great people here who will be able to advise on every aspect you're facing.

RedWingBoots · 01/01/2022 15:50

Work out how much maternity leave you can actually afford. Then ask him how much he will take.

Then find childcare that starts from when his parental leave ends. You may have to do this in month 8 of pregnancy or as soon as they are born if the baby will start childcare under a year old.

Make sure any childcare you choose is in the right location for you to do both pick ups and drop offs.

If possible get him to sign the childcare contract but don't be surprised if you pay for it all.

LaChanticleer · 01/01/2022 15:52

The complicating factor here is that you’re pregnant.

If you split your DP will be responsible for child maintenance but you’ll not be entitled to any of the usual protections of marriage in terms of property etc.
So if you don’t get married DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Unless you’re a much higher earner than your DP, DO NOT become financially dependent on your DP after having children. You’ll be screwed.