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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with partner over no engagement?

256 replies

bluenewyear23 · 01/01/2022 15:08

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
NearlyAHoarder · 01/01/2022 21:28

Self-entitlement !!

Wow. Yes in tthe good ol' days women knew were entitled to nothing.

IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2022 21:32

Ignore juliewhatever, they're on a real woman bashing spree tonight. Clearly just trying to goad

Awalkintime · 01/01/2022 21:34

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Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 01/01/2022 21:35

@5keletor

Just out of interest - why is it being suggested that his name is left off the birth certificate? I can't imagine doing that outside of cases where the father is a danger to the mother and/or child. The baby is also his, and with the exception of when baby is very small, perhaps, he deserves 50/50 custody if he wants it. I would hate only seeing my children 50% of the time if my partner and I split up, but I wouldn't try to take away his time with them. Just seems quite extreme.

Also OP, it wouldn't just be a case of affording the mortgage, you will need to buy him out beforehand as well, if he agrees to it, so definitely factor that in too.

Well why should a woman give the child the father's surname? I know a woman who has two children by two different relationships - each with the bloke's surnames. She has never had the same surname as either of her children. If you're married then your DC have the same surname as both parents. If unmarried then you are a single mother so the DC should have your name.
FredWinnie · 01/01/2022 21:37

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QueenofDestruction · 01/01/2022 21:37

You want to marry to be a team that raises your child. You maybe tge higher earner now but that can change through illness, circumstance etc. Parents that are married have the benefit of each others income, pension etc.. which ensure a more secure environment for the child .

NavigatingAdolescence · 01/01/2022 21:42

If you're married then your DC have the same surname as both parents. If unmarried then you are a single mother so the DC should have your name.

You may have missed —the last 70 years— the memo but not all married couples share a surname. Hmm

thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2022 21:43

@Floppyflopflop

What’s more important to you…a piece of paper or love??? Do you need that ring on your finger to show each other how much you mean to one another?? Everyone is entitled to change their mind, including whether they want to get married or not. You need to think about what means more to you, a marriage or being with the person you love??
Did you miss the part about him having told her he wanted to get married and then doing a screeching U-turn when she fell pregnant? Or the part about him storming off on NYE, turning off his phone and then going out to get pissed when challenged on it? I'm not finding much evidence of "love" in here and certainly not enough to justify the OP tolerating shit behaviour.
NavigatingAdolescence · 01/01/2022 21:44

@CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark

If he won’t give you his last name, do not give your baby’s his. Tough shit DP.
It’s 2022. She doesn’t need him to give her his name…….. Confused
k1233 · 01/01/2022 21:55

Why is it wrong to want to get married? OP has been clear that she would like to get married and her partner has strung her along.

@bluenewyear23 you sound like a strong person and I'm sure you will get through this. His behaviour is quite appalling. Does he plan to keep disappearing until you stop questioning his behaviour? Can't run forever.

I agree with the baby having your surname. You're not married and default child raiser is always the mother.

carlyswirly · 01/01/2022 21:55

Reading this I realise I know lots of happy, long term couples who aren't married but have dcs.

I guess the difference is that nobody in those relationships is a dick and the guy in this situation is clearly being shady.

Being married didn't save me from some shitty treatment. I wouldn't rush a marriage in this situation, especially as a higher earner. Divorce really isn't cheap, or pleasant.

Ikeameatballs · 01/01/2022 22:23

Being married to this man will give you a sense of commitment which, as you are the higher earner, may cost you in the long-term.

How you feel about being pregnant to someone who is not seriously committed to you as an individual is a slightly different matter as to whether or not marriage, as a legal contract, is a logical way forwards for you.

His behaviour about this is a different issue. He has behaved very poorly. It may all be due to fear/cold feet etc or it may be him revealing his true colours. Only time will tell but be very cautious about how you move forwards financially.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 01/01/2022 22:30

I agree with the baby having your surname. You're not married and default child raiser is always the mother

So why don’t women just give all babies their surname. Why bother changing your name, when you will be the default parent, and in the (likely) chance of divorce it means you have the same name as your child and don’t have to keep a man’s name you no longer like.

I don’t understand this determination of so many women to keep to the custom of taking a mans name and giving the children that name. If we stuck to our own names and gave the man the choice to change his name to be the same as his child, isn’t that a much better option?

Royalbloo · 01/01/2022 22:34

I would not want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me. Leg it.

HelloBunny · 01/01/2022 22:37

I don’t really understand proposing / getting engaged. When we talked about marriage, we agreed to get married & set a date. It’s a practical undertaking, more than anything else. Especially if you’re having a baby...

Royalbloo · 01/01/2022 22:47

Life doesn't always work out like you think it will, but I'd run if he's treated you like this and knows what's important to you and basically abandoned you. It's not good enough and I wouldn't marry him now if he begged - it's not good enough.

Go it alone, you sound like you'll be fine x

lightisnotwhite · 01/01/2022 23:18

@NavigatingAdolescence

If you're married then your DC have the same surname as both parents. If unmarried then you are a single mother so the DC should have your name.

You may have missed —the last 70 years— the memo but not all married couples share a surname. Hmm

But both parties get a say. The advantage of being so hire us your child gets your name so on legal matters there is zero issue ( bank accounts, holidays abroad etc)
lightisnotwhite · 01/01/2022 23:20

“So hire”?
“single” is what I meant.

KarmaStar · 01/01/2022 23:20

Hi op.
Please don't do as pm suggested and propose to him.
He's played you and it appears the pregnancy (congratulations,I hope all goes really well 🌈) has made him panic about being responsible for a new life .
go forward set to be alone,there's no point asking and arguing,gather your self worth and prepare your future for you and your gorgeous baby.
Leave him,you don't need him he is not good enough for you and your baby.
Good luck.💐

pollygartertidywife · 02/01/2022 03:37

Please understand that even if you do not name him on the bc that this will have little effect if he puts in a little effort and pays £232 to the court in an application for Parental responsibility. It's a delaying tactic at best.

If he does make the application, You have to then answer a question about your child's parentage which will then either involve lying to the court or naming him as father. Whereby he will have parental rights. The court will notify the general registry office direct.

MN seems to be under the impression that 'not putting the name on the bc' is some kind of magic answer . It's not and can be quite easily corrected.
It all depends on wether he can be bothered.

The irony is that the court application cost is much more expensive than a marriage licence fees (approx £120 for weekday ceremony) . Which would also give him the pr for the child.

NumberTheory · 02/01/2022 04:00

@pollygartertidywife

Please understand that even if you do not name him on the bc that this will have little effect if he puts in a little effort and pays £232 to the court in an application for Parental responsibility. It's a delaying tactic at best.

If he does make the application, You have to then answer a question about your child's parentage which will then either involve lying to the court or naming him as father. Whereby he will have parental rights. The court will notify the general registry office direct.

MN seems to be under the impression that 'not putting the name on the bc' is some kind of magic answer . It's not and can be quite easily corrected.
It all depends on wether he can be bothered.

The irony is that the court application cost is much more expensive than a marriage licence fees (approx £120 for weekday ceremony) . Which would also give him the pr for the child.

It's not a magic answer. But it weeds out a lot of unsuitable fathers.
ThirdElephant · 02/01/2022 06:00

@pollygartertidywife

Please understand that even if you do not name him on the bc that this will have little effect if he puts in a little effort and pays £232 to the court in an application for Parental responsibility. It's a delaying tactic at best.

If he does make the application, You have to then answer a question about your child's parentage which will then either involve lying to the court or naming him as father. Whereby he will have parental rights. The court will notify the general registry office direct.

MN seems to be under the impression that 'not putting the name on the bc' is some kind of magic answer . It's not and can be quite easily corrected.
It all depends on wether he can be bothered.

The irony is that the court application cost is much more expensive than a marriage licence fees (approx £120 for weekday ceremony) . Which would also give him the pr for the child.

Unless he physically comes with her to register the birth, he can't be put on the certificate anyway, whether OP wants him to be or not.

However, most people have suggested she gives the child her surname, not that the father is left off the birth certificate entirely.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:28

Very worrying that he feels so comfortable acting like a complete arsehole rather than sitting down with you and having an upfront adult conversation about how he feels and what he wants instead of endlessly prevaricating. I agree with others though, I'd not marry him and would also call time on the relationship. If you do, I think he'll start to make a whole bunch of (empty) promises to you to keep the status quo going.

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 06:39

MN seems to be under the impression that 'not putting the name on the bc' is some kind of magic answer . It's not and can be quite easily corrected.
It all depends on wether he can be bothered.

The key bit is the last bit there.. quite often they can't!

RedHelenB · 02/01/2022 07:22

Give the baby your surname. Any excited new father who properly loved the baby's mother would want to get married. You're settling imo.