To be upset with partner over no engagement?

[bluenewyear23]

My partner and I have discussed marriage a lot over the years as something we both want to do - even down to details about the ceremony size etc. We’ve been more ‘seriously’ talking about it for last year and a half and he wants to do it in his own way - but soon. This still hasn’t happened 1.5 years on and I’m quite upset about it.
I’m now 3 months pregnant and we’ve just had our second fight about it. First fight was not long after finding out I’m pregnant - he suddenly said he doesn’t really want to get married and it’s not important to him. He has said ‘he will if I insist’ but in his own time/when he feels ready.

Obviously I’m not sure if I want to marry someone who doesn’t actually want to marry me for the right reasons. We’ve now fallen out I assume - as he’s taken the joint car, disappeared and turned his phone off.

I can’t help but feel a bit strung along, the timing of telling me he doesn’t want to get married once I’ve already gotten pregnant seems odd since we’ve spoken so much before about it.

Am I being unreasonable being so upset? Should I just wait and see if he does at some point in the future? Am I expecting too much?

@FortniteBoysMum

Been there. For heavens sake make it clear now the baby is having your name. Tell him if you get married then you will change it but it's not up for discussion.

The OP shouldn't offer up that as a bargain. What if you get divorced and and you wish take back your name, your child will have a different one!

As everyone else has said, a man who wants to marry you will ask you to marry him. it's a simple as that. He doesn't want to marry you enough - he is keeping his options open. You deserve more than that.

Even if he proposed now, there would be a feeling that it was under duress and the first big row you had, he would throw it in your face. "You pressured me" whine whine whine. That's no way to create a happy future.

Fuck him - he's blown it. He may well meet someone else and get married quickly. He may come crawling once you are less available - wh who knows? Just put yourself and your baby first starting today.

Value yourself and your baby. I agree with past posters it sounds as though he doesn’t want to marry you, but also your relationship is/has been good in other ways, so I can see the temptation to try and make a go of it.

In your position I’d be tempted to turn things round on him and just say that you’ve reflected about what he says, you are sad that you’re in different places with regard to marriage, and that actually now you don’t want to marry him as he’s not the person you believed he was.

That being the case, as marriage is an important thing for you (something you have always made clear to him) you are going to have to split up. It’s sad but this is the consequence of his choice.

Think of yourself and of your baby. He may well find the idea of marriage more appealing if he thinks it’s off the cards; some men do like the idea of the ‘chase’ so he may then change his mind, and a proposal may tempt you to change your mind but regardless I’d move on in your head if I were you and realise he doesn’t deserve your patience.

Wow, what a wanker. I agree with most people on this thread - prepare to go it alone.

Reminds me of my DSis and her DP. DSis doesn’t have a career as such and didn’t go to uni. She met her DP who is really wealthy and has a load of property and moved in with him really soon after they met as she was homeless after her ex had kicked her out. Her DP has shown himself to be pretty spineless at the best of times - she had a MC where he was totally unsupportive and he’s a huge mummy’s boy. He did propose 5 years ago and they have two kids now and no sign of a wedding. All his assets are in his name or his company’s name, DSis does Airbnb rentals in his properties for money but at 36 and no work experience beyond shop work, has little prospect of a real career if they split. They rent atm (despite him owning multiple houses) so no security. For him, there’s zero incentive to get married which is no doubt why he hasn’t married her (and likely because his mum told him not to). It’s a nightmare.

Men like this string women along and get all the benefits of family life without any of the financial risk. And because having kids outside marriage carries no stigma, they can totally get away with it - no shaming them into getting married. In Scandinavia there are legal protection for unmarried couples. There are none here. So it’s not marriage itself - it’s the fact that in this country you become very vulnerable if you aren’t married and give up work to look after DC.

Good luck with it all, OP

So you own the house joint.
You earn more.
Is your pension larger?
Are savings joint or do you have more saved?
You intend to go back full time to work?

If you have more income and assets and intend to continue with your career, then don’t get married!
You are giving baby your surname?

@2pinkginsplease

Doesnt sound like he wants to get married. You now have a baby on the way and a proposal is the last thing on his mind.

The older I've got i've noticed that if a man hasnt proposed before you have a baby then they rarely do!

Rubbish. DN has a 7 month old and just got a huge surprise of an engagement ring on Xmas eve. She was never the one pushing for the house/ ring he was and the baby was a happy accident. She's far more interested in her career and child than marriage but is delighted all the same. Other niece has been engaged for a good, few years but hasn't bothered- has a beautiful 4 year old now- and recentky said they might go for civil partnership when she can be bothered. Not ALL men are plotting feckers who avoid marriage.

OP it seems he's duped you, though, since that's what you want and have always told him you want. You've had great advice above- don't give the baby his name and make sure everything you own is in your name/ sew a lawyer to get money ring-fenced (when I bought a flat with exH we weren't married but the deposit was all mine so I ring-fenced it. This held up even during the divorce.).

You should have got married before getting🤰. Now you will be vulnerable financially and you and baby less protected. I would be considering if I wanted to continue with pregnancy.

@SocialConnection

He doesn't want to marry you.

He doesn't want to be your husband.

He doesn't want you to be his wife.

You've established that already.

Give baby your own surname.

Keep working, separate income, bank account, savings etc.

Don't become dependant on him.

This.

@Newnamefor2021

Sure a difficult place to be. I think you need to not be thinking of it as a partnership in the sense you hold your own. Don't stop work, stay full time. Make sure he pays for half the costs of the baby. Don't give baby his last name.

He doesn't want to give you that security then don't give him the benefits. Look out for your own interests.

You can still have a loving relationship, but just be careful to make sure you look out for your interests.

This. You are having a baby together, whether you marry or not. If he isn't prepared to marry, then make sure he absolutely pulls his weight with the baby. You both work, you both organise childcare, take equal responsibility for running the home and raising the child and both pay for childcare costs. Too often the woman's entire salary is sucked away by childcare costs, leaving the man in control of how everything else is spent. Do not let this happen.

Keep your own bank account.

Pressed before finished. I would not want to be a single parent and has to do it all on my own. I would wonder if baby was born unwell what would he do. He sounds as reliable as politicians.

Oh op, I agree with everyone on this thread. Please listen to them. If a man wants to marry you believe me they will. My question is, would you really want to marry him after a ultimatum? In your position, being together for a few years, buying a house together is a reason that he should have married you ages ago let alone having a baby in the picture and despite all of this, if he can piss off with his phone turned off because he can't commit to marriage. I would throw him out into the bins. That man isn't marriage material, he is a spineless coward for stringing you along.

You and baby deserve so much better. Only my opinion not that I'm saying you should do it because everyone is different, but being together with someone like your partner would make me terminate my pregnancy as I wouldn't want to see that man's face ever again and be tied down to co parenting him and leaving yourself and baby in a vulnerable position in regards to finance and childcare. But I understand you as you feel like your age and it was a wanted pregnancy. But there's great advice here. Please don't trust this man

Why is marriage so important? Are you happy otherwise? I’m with my partner 14 years and we’re not married, I ended up proposing to him six years ago but we’re still not married. It’s expensive to have a wedding to get a ring and then plan a wedding, such a faff- use the money for your children or buy a house instead.

Perhaps all the PP’s saying he’s played you are right, but I’ll add one other perspective.

Personally, I’ve known multiple cases where women gave the marriage ultimatum to their partners. Saying this is what they wanted and expected. If the DP didn’t want the same, then fine but they’d have to say goodbye to the relationship. All but one of those cases had the DP realise they didn’t want to split up. Some have now been happily married for decades. So having to make a marriage ultimatum can result in a happy marriage! However, this didn’t work for one friend who did have to walk away because the DP didn’t want to commit. In fact she later found out he’d started a relationship with someone else. In her case, just as well that they never married.

Your situation is complicated by the pregnancy. So it’s not just you potentially walking away but you and the baby. What I’m saying is that having to give an ultimatum to a somewhat immature man does not necessarily mean that the marriage cannot be or won’t be successful. Perhaps he's feeling overwhelmed by the realisation of all the responsibilities coming his way. Many men do really seem to struggle with growing up. Ultimately, if it doesn’t matter to him, but it does to you, then he shouldn’t really have a problem saying ‘I do’. Best of luck to you and the baby. It’d be nice if the pregnancy could more joyful for you with him being less of a selfish dickhead .

Find out if it's the marriage bit or the wedding. Many men aren't really keen on the big celebration aspect, partly the cost of it but also because it makes a big show of things, but would be fine with registry office, two witnesses and a pub lunch

I’m baffled as to why you would want to get married anyway if you’re the higher earner?

Surely you’re far better off unmarried.

The fact that he’s dicked you around is insulting though and bodes very poorly for his suitability as a father and life partner, whether married or otherwise.

I’d cut your losses and get the hell out of Dodge.

We planned to get married, had kids and then partner said he didn't want to/wasn't important to him/etc. We are still together and happy- 19 years later. I was pissed off the kids had his surname but other than that, I don't resent his opinion on the whole thing. It doesn't really change anything. If it's important to you then explain this. Otherwise just forget it.

So it's not all bad. You really wanted a baby and you now know early enough that marriage is not on the cards that you can give the baby your name. You are higher earner so feather your own nest. Marriage isn't necessarily the best thing for you.

I understand its disappointing as it's clear this isn't your forever relationship. He doesn't love you enough to marry you. Remind yourself not to let yourself be lulled into a false sense of security. You cannot rely on this man.

Let him support you throughout mat leave and work out how you can transition to an amicable coparenting relationship in the longer term. DONT plan any more DC.

My friend recently ditched her guy after 10 years and they are doing 50-50 really well. So it can be done. It was a blessing they didn't get married really.

Sit him down and try to get him to understand that childish storming off is not acceptable.

You will find out that having a baby your life will change more than his: physically, emotionally and financially as well as taking a disproportionate amount of the childcare / domestic burden. This happens most during mat leave when you are expected to deal with most of the baby stuff. Aim for equal distribution of work from the outset. It's easier to get him to do his fair share from the off rather than letting him have 6 months of you doing everything.

I'm really sorry he conned you like this but hopefully your relationship still has compensations and you can avoid getting bitter and resentful.

@Horst

Sounds like he doesn’t want marriage. Don’t give the baby his last name, don’t give up work. Make sure he pays his fair share of all child related costs.

Yeah this absolutely.

Be prepared for him to be married to someone else with a baby on the way within a year.

It’s like a script with these men.

@VodselForDinner

Be prepared for him to be married to someone else with a baby on the way within a year.

It’s like a script with these men.

This

Marry or not whatever people choose but the idea that there’s no difference legally between married and unmarried couples is not true

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

3 Children, 36 years later, not married. Just ensure you get the legal side sorted out with a solicitor and it won’t matter if you are married or not. The children all have their dad’s surname, it was me that never wanted to get married. DP asked a few times but he
doesn’t have an issue with me saying ‘No’. Everyone assumes we are married, which shows it doesn’t matter one way or the other.

As pp have said if you’re the higher earner you’d be better unmarried.

Re his concerns about all the ‘questions about where when’ etc, does he really not think that he will get those once you announce your pregnancy? Many people expect couples to marry.

If you really want to marry him the two of you make arrangements and nobody’s invited. Only the witnesses, who will be sworn to secrecy. Just announce ‘we’re married’ afterwards. That way no ‘questions’. If you really want to marry him.

How long have you been together op?

@bluenewyear23

We own and it's in both names, will have to figure out if I can manage mortgage alone if we split.

Pregnancy was actually planned - I'm in the last few years I can have a child, so wanted one even if it came before the marriage I thought we had planned. Feel a bit silly about that now, clearly couldn't really trust him. I wish a marriage wasn't important to me, but it is - unsure how to feel otherwise.

The mortgage is his commitment to the bank.

Getting you pregnant is his commitment to the BABY

There is NO commitment to you at all - he doesn't want to marry you, which would have been his commitment to YOU.

I've seen your situation many times. He doesn't want to get married to you. I have also seen these relationships split up and the men go on to marry someone else.

I personally couldn't just carry on under the same roof with a man like that. No way.