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Original poster

To advise friend to ditch baby bottles, pushchair and nappies?

189 replies

feelinghappy · 29/12/2021 22:42

My friend's children who are 4 and 6 drink squash from baby bottles (during the day at home - not at school - and take bottles of squash to bed with them), wear nappies in the car (not at night) and use a Phil and Ted pushchair if we go anywhere. My son was in pullups at night until 8 so I know the battle of accidents when they sleep - it's just seeing them get ready for driving home by lying on the floor to have nappies put on felt strange. Both children have speech problems (6 year old is seeing speech and language specialist) and neither have been to a dentist. I tried to encourage them to walk today but after a few steps they were both too tired and climbed back in the buggy. The nappies and buggy do not affect their health so much as the bottles - I wonder if she'll say to me in the future 'why didn't you say I shouldn't use bottles so long?' Or should I just mind my own business?

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 30/12/2021 00:38

If she asks, answer her simply, kindly, and to the point. If she does not ask, stay out of it. If the children have speech problems, there may well be other developmental issues that are being addressed with professionals, but not discussed with you.

Lovelyricepudding · 30/12/2021 00:46

The bottles would not be an issue so much it they were full of water but squash, especially if they took them to bed, could be causing horrendous damage to their teeth. www.healthline.com/health/tooth-decay-early-childhood#causes

Lovelyricepudding · 30/12/2021 00:54

Yes there are autistic children who really struggle to change drinking vessel or drink due to sensory issues etc but those children will struggle even more when their tooh decay causes pain or when they have many teeth extracted under a general anaesthetic. Yes it may be difficult to address but it needs to be addressed. At minimum their bedtime bottle should only contain water.

Wheredidthequietgo · 30/12/2021 00:59

@feelinghappy

No special needs. It's just hard to see the 4 year old follow the same path when it comes to speech - she's only just started school. Surely speech and language would have asked whether they use bottles or would they assume they no longer do?
You have already described Sen in your op. The need for SALT indicates SEN, as does the lack of ability to walk far/for long. You seem quite ignorant about the varying degrees of SEN and disability which exists.
Floralnomad · 30/12/2021 00:59

You could bring the bottles up in general conversation about teeth and dentists and I would definitely be doing that . I also think next time you are out it can’t hurt to ask why she’s still pushing them about , I can’t see how that can offend it’s just a question .

EveningOverRooftops · 30/12/2021 01:04

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

I don't think she'd blame you for not passing comment in the future. Everyone does something others find odd.

I did think bottles were supposed to go by 18 months and be replaced by cups. is this true though? Sorry to derail slightly, ds is 2.5 and still has a bottle of milk at bedtime and a bottle when he wakes up. Cups all day otherwise, should I be stopping this?

Nope. You’re doing fine as your child is learning slowly how to use cups and other such things. If they never used a cup there would be an issue.

Mine still had a bottle before bed at that age just to stop spillage as DC was always tired but breakfast milk was in a cup or on cereal.

However if you like you could start giving breakfast milk in a cup and see how it goes

ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 30/12/2021 01:05

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

I don't think she'd blame you for not passing comment in the future. Everyone does something others find odd.

I did think bottles were supposed to go by 18 months and be replaced by cups. is this true though? Sorry to derail slightly, ds is 2.5 and still has a bottle of milk at bedtime and a bottle when he wakes up. Cups all day otherwise, should I be stopping this?

NHS says babies should be weaned off bottles at 12 months. Sending your son to bed with milk will rot his teeth as well.

You probably should mind your own business op. I think you mean well but maybe her children have SEN and she just hasn’t fell like sharing it with everyone until they have full diagnoses or understanding etc

TheOriginalEmu · 30/12/2021 01:10

@feelinghappy

No special needs. It's just hard to see the 4 year old follow the same path when it comes to speech - she's only just started school. Surely speech and language would have asked whether they use bottles or would they assume they no longer do?
If the oldest is seeing SALT chances are there are some SEN.
OldieWordly · 30/12/2021 01:17

Like some others on here, I'm astounded at the responses "mind your own business". So many asumptions that the children have SEN or autism.

Is that the get out of jail card? Just make that assumption and you will absolve yourself of any responsibilities. This is how, so many children are dying or are emotioanally or physically damaged over the years due to parental abuse, neglect, ignorance or laziness. Because friends, neighbours etc don't speak up because they will be told "mind your own business".

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/12/2021 01:20

I really hope some of you are not my friends.

To the outside world dd is a perfectly fit and healthy 8 year old. However due to complex health issues and meds she suggested painful muscle fatigue. She cannot play out for hours or walk miles without it causing crippling pain. Therefore if it has been bad or she has done lots of exercise then I still use a pushchair for her. She has recently had covid. It has left her with chronic fatigue. We went to a local attraction on Monday. She sat in the pushchair most of the day.

I frankly couldn't give a toss if you judge me. And I dare anyone to criticise because they will be metaphorically collecting their teeth up off the floor.

Ozanj · 30/12/2021 01:24

Report her anonymously to social services. It seems like your friend needs support she isn’t getting - there clearly must be something wrong for both of them to behave like this. She must be so desperate. But until the GP is willing to support a diagnosis she may not get the help she needs. In some situations SS can help to fast track things.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2021 01:26

But if you have a close friend @Terminallysleepdeprived wouldn’t you talk about this to them, even if it was just a chat about how you were concerned how hard COVID hit her.

I’m not saying you would go into her full medical history, and also not talk about it to every acquaintance of yours, but surely some of it would come up in chatting to a close friend.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/12/2021 01:29

@toomuchlaundry

But if you have a close friend *@Terminallysleepdeprived* wouldn’t you talk about this to them, even if it was just a chat about how you were concerned how hard COVID hit her.

I’m not saying you would go into her full medical history, and also not talk about it to every acquaintance of yours, but surely some of it would come up in chatting to a close friend.

No. Why should I? It is no one's business.

However there is a big difference between having a casual conversation and a friend deciding rhey have the right to tell me I am doing something wrong and judging a situation the know nothing about

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 30/12/2021 01:31

Could you contact the nurse designated to the school. She may be able to discuss the children's development and suggest things that may improve.

Jobseeker19 · 30/12/2021 01:38

But the children don't wear nappies in school or use a bottle. So how is this the same as a child with additional needs?

ASandwichNamedKevin · 30/12/2021 01:42

I disagree with the mind your own business remarks, but would firstly offer support if the person is actually a friend, and report concerns if not and leave it to the professionals to offer support, as they'll be privy to more information.

If children are being neglected they need someone to speak up for them. Never having been to the dentist is neglectful.
The rest you don't know the full story but I'd not just do nothing.

greenteafiend · 30/12/2021 01:53

MNers do seem to be a bit addicted to "minding their own business" even with what are supposed to be close friends.

Generally speaking, I ignore parenting styles that are different from mine, but some of what the OP describes is actually really bad, especially letting the kids drink squash out of bottles all day.

If these are friends, the OP would surely be aware if there were special needs?

I would broach the subject tactfully, giving room for the friend to explain if there is a special reason why these things are done. A friend should surely be OK with explaining to another friend if there are SNs.

By the way, I used to take a buggy with us until our daughter was about 4.5, but that is because we do not have a car and our days out require insane amounts of walking. She still did plenty of walking. It does not sound like this is the OP's friend's situation.

Londonr · 30/12/2021 01:58

@Jobseeker19

But the children don't wear nappies in school or use a bottle. So how is this the same as a child with additional needs?
It could be because it's a different setting. My son is scared of the toilet at school. But he's started to use it now. Just when there's not many other children. He used to hold his wee all day. He will only wee in the toilet at home but you can see He's scared . He has a potty for older children for when he needs to poo as he won't sit on the proper toilet . It could be possible the child is not drinking at school.
OutIsay · 30/12/2021 02:43

I would just encourage her to sign them up to a dentist. They will then advise against the juice in bottles.
Phrase it as getting them in with an NHS dentist when they are young and then they are on the list (it can be really hard to get one as an adult). Mention that child dental treatment is free.

Rangoon · 30/12/2021 02:54

Mine had bottles for far longer than a year. They are both at university now - ones a postgraduate - so I don't think it was particularly crucial. They never had a bottle in the cot with them and they always had water in the bottle before bed to rinse out any residual milk. If they had fruit juice in a bottle, that too was followed up with water to get rid of the acid on their teeth. They never ever had squash though. Do you think she ever cleans their teeth? Mind you, you should probably not clean immediately after squash as the tooth will not have mineralised back at that point.

Tableto · 30/12/2021 02:54

@RoyalFamilyFan

But on MN everything is down to SEN and neglect/poor parenting can never be a reason.
Yep, and mind your business, but then on other threads why did no one say something Hmm
HappyMeal564 · 30/12/2021 05:20

Not shaming you but you have said your 8 year old was in pull ups, some would find this a bit old but that's where you and your child were, this is where she is with her kids right now. She's getting external help and they will be able to identify anythingthat the children need extra help with, I don't think it's your responsibility to say what she should do with her kids or to try make them walk, and if she blames you for not telling her she's a bit of a cop out.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/12/2021 05:31

Are they in nappies at school? Do they drink out of cups at school?

I would be tempted if wanted to intervene by a disney or other style cup with a straw.

We don't know enough to know Sn or bad parenting.

Blueeilidh · 30/12/2021 08:39

If the children are only out in nappies to go in the car, this would suggest they have been taught to use the toilet but the car is an issue. This could potentially just be laziness in not wanting to stop but it could also point to a medical issue. My daughter frequently wets in the car. She has problems with muscle control and delayed speech means she doesn't tell us if she needs the toilet or is wet in the car and possibly the vibrations and movement of the car stimulate peeing.

Emerald5hamrock · 30/12/2021 08:48

You know your friend and have a better idea of the set-up.
Is the house chaos? Is she drinking or on drugs? Are the DC receiving regular a regular meal in a warm home? Are they hygienically looked after.
If you feel there's more than SN then talk to her about their milestones gentle.