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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To advise friend to ditch baby bottles, pushchair and nappies?

189 replies

feelinghappy · 29/12/2021 22:42

My friend's children who are 4 and 6 drink squash from baby bottles (during the day at home - not at school - and take bottles of squash to bed with them), wear nappies in the car (not at night) and use a Phil and Ted pushchair if we go anywhere. My son was in pullups at night until 8 so I know the battle of accidents when they sleep - it's just seeing them get ready for driving home by lying on the floor to have nappies put on felt strange. Both children have speech problems (6 year old is seeing speech and language specialist) and neither have been to a dentist. I tried to encourage them to walk today but after a few steps they were both too tired and climbed back in the buggy. The nappies and buggy do not affect their health so much as the bottles - I wonder if she'll say to me in the future 'why didn't you say I shouldn't use bottles so long?' Or should I just mind my own business?

OP posts:

Yika · 29/12/2021 23:00

I don't agree you should mind your own business. There might be good reasons but can't friends broach these kinds of issues in a non-aggressive way? Of course don't just start dispensing advice but why not ask or say something? It sounds like an odd and unhealthy set-up.

BogRollBOGOF · 29/12/2021 23:00

I can think of SNs that would be compatible with the SALT intervention, and that's enough development issues that a referral should be taken seriously by HCPs. A parent has to want to see the issue to get anywhere though.

Does it seem likely that it's "lazy" parenting and babyfying for an easy life, or a parent a bit lost in trying to meet their children's needs and trying their best?

CheshireChat · 29/12/2021 23:00

TBF neglect/ poor parenting and additional needs aren't mutually exclusive, but it's impossible to say what's more likely based on no information at all really.

Ohyesiam · 29/12/2021 23:01

Not taking the children to the dentist is neglect. You can flag this via their school, anonymously if you want. School have a duty to follow up.
I used to work in a school and this type of referral is not uncommon.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2021 23:02

Do they wear nappies to school?

Jinglemychristmasbells · 29/12/2021 23:03

There could be a reason why she still has them in a buggy. I still have DS 4 in a buggy for his safety. Not sure about the baby bottle though but I wouldn't say anything to her. Dd uses a sippy cup still but we are working on him using a open cup with occupational therapy.

Kangaruby · 29/12/2021 23:03

Squash in bottles is terrible for their teeth and dental ops are the most common reason for a GA in children, so I think I would mention that, I wouldn't mention the nappies or prams, but if there are no special needs really odd that the children go along with it.

Hospedia · 29/12/2021 23:06

Not taking the children to the dentist is neglect. You can flag this via their school, anonymously if you want. School have a duty to follow up.

No it's not and no school don't. Not going to the dentist wouldn't even warrant a follow-up phone call from SS as dental check-ups are not compulsory and, like all screening checks, there is a right of refusal. The only time lacknof dental care would trigger a safeguardingnintervention is if the child had obvious oral health issues such as pain, injury, or infection and the parent did not seek dental/medical assistance.

massiveblob · 29/12/2021 23:08

The buggy will be having a detrimental effect on their physical strength & fitness. Core strength & mobility is vital for educational success. Children need to be able to sit upright, run, jump, explore, chase, scoot, ride a bike etc - it's how they learn. Really poor physical skills can lead to a life of inactivity and then often obesity. 6 year olds should be able to play out for hours. At 3/4 a lot of kids can ride pedal bikes. Most can scoot everywhere etc
It's wrong to say it won't have an impact. It will.

Changechangychange · 29/12/2021 23:08

It does sound like either they have SEN, or she is a really damaging, neglectful parent who is deliberately keeping them infantilised and preventing them from achieving normal milestones.

She’s your friend, so I would assume you would be able to tell if it was the second option. So most likely the first, even if you aren’t aware of the SEN, or they don’t have a diagnosis. I wouldn’t say anything, but might encourage her to get more support/push for a diagnosis. I agree my 4 year old might like a ride in the buggy as a one-off, but would never agree to it on a regular basis, or allow me to put him in a nappy.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/12/2021 23:10

You say there are no SEN but also say that they have speech and language delays which can often be an indication of additional needs or difficulties. The fact they get tired quickly and easily without the buggy could also indicate some difficulties which haven’t been diagnosed yet.

Speech and language problems aren’t going to have been caused solely by using bottles in the evening and it’s hard to say whether they have no stamina due to using the buggy or whether the prolonged use of the buggy is due to them getting tired because of other issues, honestly I think you sound quite judgey and it is absolutely not your place to raise these things with your friend.

Changechangychange · 29/12/2021 23:12

@massiveblob you are assuming the weakness is a result of too much buggy use, and not that the buggy use is due to pre-existing weakness.

If they have a speech delay, they may also have motor delays or problems with muscle tone leading to easy fatiguability. Again, OP may not be aware of it (if her friend has never sought assessment for them, her friend might not be aware of it).

massiveblob · 29/12/2021 23:14

@Changechangychange yep agree. What I'm saying is that what she's observing isn't normal for children with no SEN / SN. If she's sure no SN, then it's a cause for alarm

RoyalFamilyFan · 29/12/2021 23:19

It might be SEN, it might be the parenting. I have worked with kids in care who had been abused, but also behaved like these DCs because the parents couldn't be bothered to do anything different.

PrincessNutella · 29/12/2021 23:19

I certainly think that those children are being infantilized in a very strange way. But I also think having a child in pullups at age 8 is quite bizarre.

RoyalFamilyFan · 29/12/2021 23:21

But on MN everything is down to SEN and neglect/poor parenting can never be a reason.

Blueeilidh · 29/12/2021 23:24

This is not normal so not going to be a simple " hey friend you need to ditch the bottles, nappies and pushchair" " of course, you are right, why didn't I think of that, I'll do it straight away".
How close are you to this friend? Do you really know enough about what is going on to say no additional needs? Your description of these children is highly suggestive of additional needs. My daughter doesn't still use a bottle but can still be seen in a buggy and we would use a nappy for long journeys. In her case the reason is cerebral palsy but this isn't the only condition where nappies and buggy use is prolonged. If she is a good friend try offering support first and find out what is really going on rather than leading with criticisms of her parenting.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 29/12/2021 23:24

I hate seeing children drinking squash from
baby bottles - their poor teeth!

It's not really your business though, just offer your support if/when she needs it.

OnaBegonia · 29/12/2021 23:25

@RoyalFamilyFan
I agree, often read a thread and think I bet SN are mentioned and lo and behold 3 comments in!
One of my DD is a social worker and if no SEN, this would be considered failure to thrive, the mother isn't enabling the natural
progression of the children.

Hercisback · 29/12/2021 23:26

The bottle thing she may genuinely not know. So it could be worth mentioning it but in a roundabout way, not directly linked to her kids.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 29/12/2021 23:29

Could you call the local health visitor? I think this is a form of neglect /abuse. Those poor children are not being allowed to thrive

WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 23:33

As they are in school I would feel less worried.

However it’s not ok and she may need help.

For now I wouldn’t say anything about the nappies but I would try and encourage her to let them out of the prams in a roundabout way - like shall we take them to the park to let them run around so they sleep better?

I think the walking is the biggest issue.

The teeth are an issue but can be fixed with braces when adult teeth come in but I think if the bones and muscles don’t develop properly in the legs then they’ll have trouble when they’re older.

Fortunately at school they won’t have a bottle or pushchairs.

mycatistrans · 29/12/2021 23:39

I think this is very serious neglect. An 8 year old in nappies who's never seen a dentist? I think that's extremely concerning.

JustWonderingIfYou · 29/12/2021 23:39

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

I don't think she'd blame you for not passing comment in the future. Everyone does something others find odd.

I did think bottles were supposed to go by 18 months and be replaced by cups. is this true though? Sorry to derail slightly, ds is 2.5 and still has a bottle of milk at bedtime and a bottle when he wakes up. Cups all day otherwise, should I be stopping this?

No bottles from 1 year old is the current advice I believe.

Bad for teeth but the evidence is debated. I think its harder to take them away the longer you leave it- I know a 5 year old who won't give the bedtime bottle up!

Original poster

feelinghappy · 29/12/2021 23:40

They are thriving in lots of ways - they are fantastic with imaginative play and great fun to be with. Very loving and kind. I think most people seem to agree I shouldn't say anything- I certainly wouldn't have welcomed advice which felt like criticism of my parenting.

OP posts:

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