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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread the return of my 3 year old Dd…

213 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 29/12/2021 15:31

She’s due back in just over 5 minutes. I can barely stand, I’m so dizzy with flu, my throats on fire, I ache all over and I’m cripplingly tired.

Her dad was poorly and passed it on to her Xmas Eve unknown to me (obviously isn’t his fault and isn’t Covid) but I’ve now caught it from her so at least she’s immune. However! Last night I nearly hit her with a hair brush! I feel so unstable and poorly and I have no help. I obviously love my dd and do not want to hurt her but I feel that poorly I have zero tolerance.

Que her making messes, throwing food refusing to go to bed until after 9 last night.

No idea what to do, not sure how long I will be this poorly for and I have no help. Friends wouldn’t step in as no one would want to catch it.

Is there anything out there for support? A number I can call. I obviously would never hurt her but the level of sickness I feel bed bound poorly. Any advice appreciated it.

OP posts:
Honeygoldcaramel · 29/12/2021 16:34

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wildthingsinthenight · 29/12/2021 16:35

Pumperthepumper
Just. Stop. Posting.

OP you have got great advice on here. I really feel for you it is SO HARD.
Everybody fed and safe is priority. ❤

GrendelsGrandma · 29/12/2021 16:36

Your ex should take time off, unpaid parental leave if necessary. He's her father, if you're not able to care for her and there's no alternative then it's down to him. If his work gets shitty about it then that's his problem.

BedisBliss · 29/12/2021 16:38

Feel for you. Do what you can - if neither of you wash or change your clothes, you won't be the worse for it. Let her trash the house with her toys, stay up late watching mindless kiddy tv, eat junk food, sleep together on the couch. You will survive, she will survive and you're not a bad mum. Single mum here too - completely understand and sending you hugs!

PieMistee · 29/12/2021 16:39

I actually once hit my DD with a hairbrush as she bit me. It was awful and we both cried all the way to school where I told her teacher. Cut her hair in a bob the next week. No more hairbrushing fights. We all have a break point. You did the right thing.

ancientgran · 29/12/2021 16:40

@Pumperthepumper With a hairbrush? I absolutely would if my friend said they were struggling so much they’d nearly hit their child with a hairbrush. That’s a person who needs help, not normalised. Well it would be alot better to offer some help rather than doing a report. Let's face it even if you phone SS they aren't going to rush round today so if someone cries out for help, and a disclosure like that is a cry for help, offer to have the kids for a few hours.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 29/12/2021 16:40

OP, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't hit her with the hairbrush. You don't even seem to have particularly wanted to: you just feared for a horrible moment that you might have if you had not immediately made sure you couldn't by going away. I think you were saintly, personally.

And I hope you get well soon! Don't forget to drink lots of water, or squash if you have any: it does help when you have flu, even if going to the loo all the time is horribly hard work.

Might her dad be able to do some shopping for you and drop it off after he gets out of work? Iced lollies and ice-cream and tinned soups that you like are easy to prepare/eat and may be comforting.

Pumperthepumper my fully trained social worker mother once remarked (in reference to a neighbour who was Too Good To Be True and didn't half rub everyone's noses in it in a holier-than-everyone way) that any mother who claimed never to have wanted to hit her child was either lying to herself, or talking to her social worker. I suspect that if she were still alive this thread might have given her déjà vu.

Legoninjago1 · 29/12/2021 16:41

Pumper just sounds to me like she doesn't have kids. Hang in there OP. Beachams / lemsip and screens will get you through.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 29/12/2021 16:42

Hello everyone. As this thread is becoming derailed, we may take it down if things don't improve. Please keep things on track.

Salome61 · 29/12/2021 16:42

So sorry you are poorly and have to cope alone, I had to as well and it's hard. I had pneumonia when the kids were 4 and 18 months and my husband worked away during the week. Spent a few days lying on the floor in front of the television with 'picnic' snack meals and lots of videos, poor dog just had to go in the garden.

UndertheCedartree · 29/12/2021 16:43

I feel for you. I used to find it so hard when really ill and mine were younger. It often was just get snacks and toys and put telly on in my room and lay there trying to stay awake. And hope they didn't catch it because looking after a sick child while you are so I'll yourself is even worse.

UndertheCedartree · 29/12/2021 16:43

ill not I'll

Abraxan · 29/12/2021 16:46

[quote Pumperthepumper]@thedarkling yet.[/quote]
Everyone has times when their tolerance is rock bottom, especially if they feeling really really poorly and things aren't going right. I admit there were times when dd was growing up I've gritted my teeth and walked away, in a similar manner.

There doesn't have to be a yet. Dd is now 19y and I have never hit her, not even the slightest tap.

I very much doubt there is any parent out there who hasn't reached their tolerance level and had to take time out to breathe and find their equilibrium again,

The op was being honest about her brief passing thought, which happened when she was really poorly. And ignored that the Op did not hit out, didn't take her frustration out in her child and instead walked away to calm for a few moments.

Rather than focus on things the OP can do to help her get through the next days whilst very poorly and with a young child, you focus on the smallest point.

Excitedforthefuture · 29/12/2021 16:47

I feel for you so badly Op

Single parent here

When I got norovirus, I HAD to drive to collect the children. I projectile vomited on the way home.

And then when home…I had to do their dinner

I still shudder at the memory

ancientgran · 29/12/2021 16:47

@Hobnobswantshernameback

Dear god mine are nearly all adults or are adults and there were days when I would have gladly thrown them out of a window I remember being ill with noro with 3 wee ones and wanting to die I bet if I asked them about that the only thing they'd remember is DS3 vomiting in the happy meal that some friends had dropped at our door to make sure the kids were fed Be kind to yourself op
I'm the same. I remember when Safeways Supermarket local to me had a creche. You could leave children in there for up to 2 hours and I used to put my 2 in the creche and then do my shopping, go and pack it in the car and return to the coffee shop and have a coffee and a cake. It was heavenly. I saved up my points (like nectar points) and bought an annual pass to I could do it even if I was feeling hard up. The only issue was if they were up to maximum number. One day I was at the edge and walked up to the creche and said, "Don't tell me you're full, please don't tell me that." Nice lady took the children and I went and sat in the coffee shop for 2 hours. Returned to the creche and they talked to check I was OK. It was a life saver that day.
Sailor2009 · 29/12/2021 16:48

@Crossfitwidow

Jesus, you know it’s okay to think about doing something but not actually doing it don’t you? I often think of smothering my husband with a pillow….I probably wouldn’t do it.

OP most of us feel this way, please don’t listen!

I like that you're only willing to commit to probably not smothering him Grin
worriedandannoyed · 29/12/2021 16:48

When you go to bed tonight take lots of snacks and water for tomorrow. As well as some colouring books, pencils, anything else that can be done from your bed tomorrow. Charged iPad? Make sure it's all within reach, if you can't get up tomorrow you will have everything you need x x

CaveWoman1 · 29/12/2021 16:48

The thing is @Pumperthepumper the people who do abuse their children don't usually post for help on a support forum for parents. It happens behind closed doors, very secretly. An ill mum who expresses frustration on a site like this is being truthful about her experience of caring for a child whilst sick herself. That's not the behavioural demographic of an abuser. The very fact that she has posted here, and has truthfully outlined her feelings means that by association, she is not likely to be committing the very act she herself described. This is a strung-out mum trying her best, and describing a human reaction to a very stressful situation.

Do you see the difference between the two behavioural demographics?

Somebodylikeyew · 29/12/2021 16:49

Surely even if her Dad really can’t take the day off work he could have her overnight and literally drop her off to you on his way so you could rest tonight? Makes me cross.

Otherwise as has been said, put her favourite CBeebies/ Netflix on, order in junk food and don’t even bother with hair brushing or anything non essential. Make sure you keep drinking little and often too and keep up paracetamol. It really sucks, hang in there x

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/12/2021 16:49

With a hairbrush? I absolutely would if my friend said they were struggling so much they’d nearly hit their child with a hairbrush. That’s a person who needs help, not normalised.

She admitted thinking about it. She didn't do it. She took herself away. That's perfectly within the normal bounds of reaction. Get a grip.

Badabingbadatinselbum · 29/12/2021 16:50

Sympathies OP. Being ill while looking after small children is really hard. Put something on the tv she loves, feed her the easiest things you can (honestly, crisps and biscuits) and remember that the illness will pass. Flowers

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/12/2021 16:50

At times like this, drop all the small battles and just get through it. She's tiny. It won't be too hard to get her back into her routines when you are feeling better. I hope it won't be too long Flowers

Helpstopthepain · 29/12/2021 16:51

Hope you feel better soon op! Nothing worse than being unwell with no support.

Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 16:51

@GatoradeMeBitch

With a hairbrush? I absolutely would if my friend said they were struggling so much they’d nearly hit their child with a hairbrush. That’s a person who needs help, not normalised.

She admitted thinking about it. She didn't do it. She took herself away. That's perfectly within the normal bounds of reaction. Get a grip.

I think also SS are busy enough, without being called upon to deal with a non issue.
ancientgran · 29/12/2021 16:52

@Somebodylikeyew

Surely even if her Dad really can’t take the day off work he could have her overnight and literally drop her off to you on his way so you could rest tonight? Makes me cross.

Otherwise as has been said, put her favourite CBeebies/ Netflix on, order in junk food and don’t even bother with hair brushing or anything non essential. Make sure you keep drinking little and often too and keep up paracetamol. It really sucks, hang in there x

It can be difficult with care, he could be starting work at 6 am so might need to get little one up well before 5 to get her to mum in time for him to get to work depending on travel distances, he could easily be doing a 12 hour shift or 24 hrs if he does sleep ins.