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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 29/12/2021 13:05

Tbh I think you could've picked up the phone and checked on her and the kids once or twice. It must've been really hard for her. Your ds wasn't the only one going through a tough time.

I think it's repairable but only if you maybe apologise for not supporting her too. I don't mean full-on supporting, like you did your ds, but at least something, would've shown that you cared.

SNUG2022 · 29/12/2021 13:07

I'm sorry but to rally round your ds and ignore dil and dgc was really mean and unforgivable. I think you're lucky that she is being polite and still comes round. There's no reason why you couldn't have supported both of them. She was left with a child to look after too.

I have very little relationship with my mil due to something similar.

Haus1234 · 29/12/2021 13:07

She is your grandchild’s mother, she should be your family too. It doesn’t seem like she’d done anything wrong so I don’t see why you felt you had to take sides between them.

PicaK · 29/12/2021 13:07

There was nothing stopping you speaking to her or the dgc. You showed exactly how grateful you all were for all the mental effort she put in to organising family trips etc. And now she dfoesnt do it any more.
I don't blame her one bit. She's saintly for still being welcoming.

Teacaketotty · 29/12/2021 13:08

Agreed with the previous comment, in her shoes I would be really hurt none of you reached out for support - especially for the kids who would have been seriously impacted. I don’t know your DS’s reasons but I know my DH’s family wouldn’t look kindly on him walking out on us and I’m sure they would still be there for me ( I hope!). I think apologies are needed on your end, I wouldn’t put my faith in you or make a huge effort either, you essentially cut her and her kids out of your life.

PotatoOfTheNight · 29/12/2021 13:09

I think if she's being pleasant and polite when you do see her, I'd be happy with that.

You aren't going to ever get back to where you were before.

Wizzbangfizz · 29/12/2021 13:09

In your shoes I would have sent a card or a note at the very least acknowledging the difficult situation but offering to have grandchildren/help out. If you were my MIL I'd be withdrawing as well.

Sounds like a she was a very inclusive DIL and I'd have been very hurt in her shoes.

TheMooch · 29/12/2021 13:09

I'd be hurt too, may be slightly irrationally as you'd obviously take the sidecof your DS. But no contact would hurt. Perhaps take her out alone for a coffee on mutual ground and kindly say sorry for what happened? And let her give her side of the story.

autumnboys · 29/12/2021 13:10

What your DIL has seen is how willing you were/are to cut her and your grandchildren off, just like that. She no longer offers to organise things for you - surely this can’t really surprise you?

Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/12/2021 13:11

I think it’s pretty gracious of her to still be polite and welcoming to your face to be honest.

It’s great that you supported your son but to drop your grandchildren like hot potatoes especially when they were going through a horrible confusing time with their dad leaving was awful.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2021 13:11

She doesn’t trust you and I don’t blame her to be honest.

My MIL and I are very close. If DH left me and I didn’t hear from her for 3 months until we got back together, given we are in touch regularly I’d feel extremely upset.

I can’t believe you didn’t contact her regarding your grandchildren at all.

I expect she feels like her and her children’s places in your life and affection are based on her marriage.

If you want to repair it you need a frank conversation and to promise you won’t do that again regardless of your son’s choices.

If my DH left me my MIL would be over here like a shot.

espressomartiniweeny · 29/12/2021 13:11

You ignored your own grandchildren for 3 months?
She's being nice just by being pleasant when she sees you. I wouldn't give you the time of day.

The best you can try is apologising, but you've already shown your true colours I wouldn't expect her to accept.

DowntonCrabby · 29/12/2021 13:11

You’ve all completely shat all over her to be honest. If things are polite, friendly and you do still see them as a family I’d be very grateful and not expect much more.

ispepsiokay · 29/12/2021 13:11

She'd done nothing to stop you from contacting her, in what must've been an awful time, you abandoned her and closed ranks with your son and his siblings. In her situation I would have minimal contact with you after seeing your true colours.

Scbchl · 29/12/2021 13:12

Thats absolutely ridiculous that you never picked up the phone to check in on your grandkids at least and also her when you'd had such a close relationship and she was left caring for your grandkids. I can't really understand that and I'd defo be keeping you at arms length now as it would make me feel the previous close relationship had been a complete farce when you happily cut them off like that.

Hyppogriff · 29/12/2021 13:12

You acted awfully to her and the grandchildren. If you ever want to try to repair it you need to address it and acknowledge it directly and apologise . If I were her I would never forgive you though

Hobnobswantshernameback · 29/12/2021 13:12

Reverse?

MrMistoffee · 29/12/2021 13:12

You didn't contact your grandchildren during this time???? Bad enough that you didn't contact your DIL but your grandkids? You rallied around your son who wanted to walk away from his family for no good reason but didn't support your DIL or GC either physically or mentally? I'm surprised she even talks to you. You wouldn't even be welcome in my house had you done that to me.

Lbnc2021 · 29/12/2021 13:13

You’re lucky she’s being polite to you after you basically ignored your grandchildren. I’d be a lot less polite, she’s seen where your priorities lie and it’s not with innocent grandchildren.

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/12/2021 13:13

If you were willing to cut your grandchildren off rather than try to focus on your relationship with your adult son then tbh I don’t blame her. I would be very angry at you allowing this to affect your relationship with the children. Why should she continue to make as much effort as before to include you in their lives when you treated them as disposable?

WhiteXmas21 · 29/12/2021 13:13

Another one who says all you can do is apologise, sincerely. It sounds like you were in a bit of shock and blindsided by your son’s decision. So explain this to her . But not sure how far it will go .

EmmasMum12 · 29/12/2021 13:13

You're surprised that she wants as little as possible to do with you? I think you handled the situation appallingly.

JengaNonConfirming · 29/12/2021 13:13

You didn't make one phone call to her, on check on your DGC, not even once? That was disgusting if you all. You've shown her that she is dispensible and that you'd cut her off in an instant. If I were her I'd have nothing at all to do with you.

ElleGettingBetter · 29/12/2021 13:13

Your poor DIL.

You’re lucky she is still polite and welcomes you into her home. To not check on your grandchildren for three months is disgusting.

piney07 · 29/12/2021 13:13

I don’t blame her one bit, it was truly awful for you to all cut her out like that, you made her feel like she wasn’t your family.

There was absolutely NO need to take sides like you did.

And to add insult to injury it seems like your whole family really rallied around making it as easy as possible for your son to leave his wife and young child for no reason?

The only possible solution is a very heartfelt and direct apology from you all to state that you regret how you reacted and would go back and do it differently if you could.