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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves21 · 29/12/2021 20:34

YABVU. You and your whole family have treated this poor woman appallingly. Not only was she, and her children, rejected by her husband, but abandoned by his family. I would never forgive you.

ThymeTravel · 29/12/2021 20:36

Is this a reverse? If so, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

maa32 · 29/12/2021 20:43

We had the exact same scenario, I was the granddaughter (teenager) and watched my DM struggle alone.

We never forgave my DF's side of the family after that

TheGrinchsDog · 29/12/2021 20:43

Just reread your 2nd post @MagnifyingGlasses
I definitely would not have not seen them again.

So if the split became permanent so would your abandonment of the DGC? Shock

Wishihadanalgorithm · 29/12/2021 20:47

Sounds to me, OP, like you don’t have a very good relationship with your DS. He didn’t let you know he was leaving his wife and it is your DIL who organises all the get together. Frankly, he isn’t bothered about you or the rest of your family despite you only showing him support and not your poor DIL.

Personally, I think that when they split up you backed the wrong horse.

By all means apologise to yourDIL but accept she will never trust you or be open with you again. As other PP, have said you are lucky she is even being civil with you at the moment.

CustardySergeant · 29/12/2021 20:49

@TheGrinchsDog

Just reread your 2nd post *@MagnifyingGlasses* I definitely would not have not seen them again.

So if the split became permanent so would your abandonment of the DGC? Shock

The OP used a double negative in that sentence. Read it again, she said "I definitely would not have not seen them again"

Why she didn't just say "I definitely would have seen them again" I have no idea.

Zerrin13 · 29/12/2021 20:50

I'm mid fifties so probably a similar age to OP. If my son decided he was just going to walk out on his wife and children for reasons he wouldn't even bother to disclose i would be showing my support with my foot up his arse and plenty of words that would let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I thought he was a spineless disgrace and that me and his Dad were thoroughly ashamed of him.
He wouldn't be getting any comfy lodgings in my house and his sisters would think he was utterly disgusting. Not you though?
You seem to think your little man is exempt from having to act like a decent husband and Father. You are lucky your daughter in law is even acknowledging that you still exist. She is probably only doing it to try and help save her marriage by not telling you what she really thinks of you.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 29/12/2021 20:51

I'm in a similar situation my husband left me and our children for 4 months,his df rallied around him , set him up with a deposit , car etc. Meanwhile I couldn't afford the rent with his 2 grandchildren and was made homeless , had to claim benefits that took 6 weeks to come through and was dependent on food banks to feed his grandchildren.
We have decided to give things another go..however I no longer see my Dfil as my family and won't be making an effort

Fucking hell, @evrey. How can you give a man that let his children become homeless a second chance? You and your children deserve better than that.

BlueRoseInBloom · 29/12/2021 20:55

Wow.

He had his fill of her and the kids. You didn't need to follow suit but you did.

If I were your DIL, I would very much be of help mind that you could all go fuck yourselves forevermore.

JacquelineCarlyle · 29/12/2021 20:57

@ShowMeTheSugar

Calling bullshit on this: They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often

As you already said in your opening post:
We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together

3 months is an awfully long time not to pick up the phone, send a text or make any effort to reassure your GC. By all means apologise to the woman but you deserve absolutely nothing from her.

Completely agree with this. If you were my MIL, I'd struggle to even be polite to you and I certainly wouldn't be spending any time with you.
mugoftea456 · 29/12/2021 20:58

I would never expect MIl to take my side over her sons. But I would imagine she would reach out to me and she certainly wouldn't suddenly ignore DGC.

You lost her trust. I think you should count yourself lucky she is still polite.

No idea why the responsibility falls on her to arrange days out. Are you/your H and your son incapable of doing so ?

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 21:01

@Zerrin13

I'm mid fifties so probably a similar age to OP. If my son decided he was just going to walk out on his wife and children for reasons he wouldn't even bother to disclose i would be showing my support with my foot up his arse and plenty of words that would let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I thought he was a spineless disgrace and that me and his Dad were thoroughly ashamed of him. He wouldn't be getting any comfy lodgings in my house and his sisters would think he was utterly disgusting. Not you though? You seem to think your little man is exempt from having to act like a decent husband and Father. You are lucky your daughter in law is even acknowledging that you still exist. She is probably only doing it to try and help save her marriage by not telling you what she really thinks of you.
Well into my 50's too and would have a similar reaction to my son's deciding that family life with two young children was too hard.

The lovely DIL rang her MIL because she was worried about her husband.

Ultimately the DIL knows the truth of the shallow relationship she has with his family and is acting accordingly.

If she has an ounce of sense she will dump his ass.

siestasiesta · 29/12/2021 21:08

You are very selfish, I don't think there is any coming back from this. You should have supported your DIL and DGC, I don't understand why you didn't. Don't expect a talk to fix the relationship, you really don't deserve it.

CallMeNutribullet · 29/12/2021 21:10

Well she knows where she stands now doesn't she? Your DS very likely had an affair and you all dropped her and her children immediately. She knows you don't see her as family and is behaving accordingly.

Knackeredmommy · 29/12/2021 21:13

I could forgIve my MIL not contacting me in that situation but ignoring my children wouldn't be something I could get past. Why should she make the effort to include you when you showed her that if she splits from your son, she's no longer family to you? She's also trying to rebuild her relationship. Interesting you talk about her not inviting or including you, what about your son?

Kweenie · 29/12/2021 21:21

You are a disgrace of a person and so is the rest of your family. How dare you totally disregard your DIL and GC. Don't know why she even talks to you.

tillytown · 29/12/2021 21:22

Don't waste her time with a long talk, you can't undo this. Write a short note, and be grateful that she still allows you in her life.

blubberyboo · 29/12/2021 21:34

I don’t understand why you thought just because they were split up that you couldn’t continue to be her mother in law.
Your relationship with her and the kids wouldn’t have ended just because your son checked out. She probably needed you more.

You need to sincerely apologise for your behaviour at that time and as you say she may start to trust you again

Livpool · 29/12/2021 21:39

You ignored your grandchildren who were left solely with their mother cos your son pissed off and left them? Yeah I wouldn't bother with you either

Newmumatlast · 29/12/2021 21:44

@MagnifyingGlasses

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

Apologise and admit you were wrong.

Whether or not the relationship was over in your mind, why you wouldnt contact your grandchildren at least is odd. I would be very hurt if I were DIL about that alone not even about you ignoring me.

StoneofDestiny · 29/12/2021 21:53

All you can do is try and repair the damage following a frank discussion.

TruJay · 29/12/2021 21:54

The only long talk you need to be having a is bloody good apology to your dil, I’m surprised she even speaks to you anymore. Can’t believe you didn’t speak to the children in all that time because their parents were potentially splitting. That must have been such a confusing time for them to go from holidaying with you and meals out to absolutely no contact. Your dil must have felt so alone and so unsupported. I hope she had support from her side. This is all really sad.

Wantingtomove123 · 29/12/2021 22:01

I don’t understand how you are not ashamed of yourself. You refused to help her and your grandchildren when they needed you the most. You seem to have no respect for her. She is the mother of your grandchildren. Actually you don’t seem to care about your grandchildren either. Their dad abandoned them and so did their grandparents and aunt. I have great respect for your dil for even talking to you now.
Something similar happened to me. When my dh walked out (after affair) one of my sil helped him with everything including writing out terms of divorce and contacting a lawyer. I am NC with her. My mil and other sil couldn’t drop me and their gc as I had done nothing wrong and society was watching so while at first pretending to be nice to me they gradually withdrew from me. They are extremely well off people in the country I was living in at the time and I had no close family there. They gradually made my life more difficult without actually telling me they’d rather just forget about their gc and me and we go back to the country where my family is.
Now years later dh and I are back together and we have moved countries. I have gone NC with them for other reasons and dh also doesn’t have a relationship as such with them (long story). But I will never forget that their gc and I meant so little to them. They would never have behaved like that towards their dd and gc but they thought it acceptable to do that to me and gc.

WhatToDo1988 · 29/12/2021 22:05

It's not DIL's job to facilitate your relationship with your son. The fact that your DS doesn't bother with you is your problem.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 29/12/2021 22:05

Oh I feel so sorry for your DIL I think you and your family have been really unkind. Can you imagine the message that behaviour sent to her? She’s always been the one, not your son, that has organised lovely family get together and days out and when your son decides to walk out on her and their children you all rally round him! Why did he walk out? Someone else by any chance? And you all just cut contact with her!

Rather than helping him set himself up you should have all been giving his head a wobble and some stern words about what he was throwing away and you should have shown your support to your DIL by continuing regular contact and making sure she and your grandchildren were ok!