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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
RincewindsHat · 29/12/2021 13:18

Your grandchildren are your family too, but you cut them off without a second thought apparently.

I really struggle with your assertion that "I don't know what else I could have done."

How about prioritising the children in all this? How about deciding that your stance would be to foster good relationships between you, your children and your grandchildren regardless of whether or not their parents were separating so that the children always felt loved and supported? How about making an effort to understand that your DIL was also struggling and you could make everyone's lives easier by not cutting her and your grandchildren off and acting like your son was the only one who mattered in all this?

If you really want to make things right, you're probably going to have to get realistic with yourself about the things you could have done better, and then see if your DIL is open to a frank discussion where you apologise for your behaviour, listen to anything she has to say without making excuses for your poor behaviour, and ask her how both of you together can improve your relationship going forwards. She may want to have a better relationship with you or not, but you will have to do some leg work on this as you were the one who dropped her like a hot stone.

Waterfallgirl · 29/12/2021 13:18

She used to arrange lovely things for you all to do and obviously must have felt an enormous love for her DHs family to do that.

She called you when she was at ( presumably) her lowest ebb.

And what did you do....? ‘I thought the relationship was over so I didn’t contact her and I didn’t speak to my DGC. ‘ ...... you threw her away like a piece of dispensable rubbish and worse...you threw away a relationship with your grandchildren too.

Just awful.

In her shoes I would be keeping my distance too. She must feel truly, terribly let down.

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/12/2021 13:18

I’d rather like you to send her this way so we can all tell her to cut the lot of you out and move on with a man who will treat her with some basic decency actually.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2021 13:18

Wow. You owe dil a HUGE apology. Not checking in, not seeing grandkids. You showed your true colours that her and the kids dont matter.

TruffleShuffles · 29/12/2021 13:18

If I was your DIL I may have been able to forgive you for cutting contact with me in this situation but I would never forgive you for cutting contact with my child. What would you have done if they had not got back together? Carried on pretending you grandchild didn’t exist?

Iwantamarshmallowman · 29/12/2021 13:19

@ShowMeTheSugar

During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC.

This would be unforgivable imo. You ignored the kids for 3 months because their dad walked out? You should be so ashamed of yourself.

This. I'm not even sure why you need to come and ask. I'm assumeing this is some kind of reverse. The DIL in this situation is a better woman than I am. I would have told the MIL to get stuffed.
Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2021 13:19

@Hobnobswantshernameback

Oh ffs - it bloody well is, isn’t it?

FrenchBoule · 29/12/2021 13:19

Your DGC haven’t stopped being your DGC just because your DS and DIL have split up.

I’m not surprised she doesn’t trust you anymore, there was no consideration of her or her children while a simple “how are you” could have been a lifeline for her.

I can only feel sorry for her that not only she was dropped a bomb by her husband that completely wrecked her life for a while but also nobody from her husband’s family seemed to care about her or her DC.

You’re surprised she doesn’t want to organise anything for you? You let her know by your behaviour that she and her kids (your grandchildren) don’t matter at all.

Mean,hurtful, and unforgivable.

Oaktree1952 · 29/12/2021 13:19

You could invite your DIL and grandchildren to a day out that you have organised. If she's now a single parent life is going to be much busier and stressful for her and she won't be thinking about lovely days out for you. She would have only organised them because you were her mil. You are no longer her mil so if you want to see her and your grandchildren maybe you could ask her.

PatchworkElmer · 29/12/2021 13:20

Wtf? You ignored your own grandchildren?! I’m surprised she’s being as civil as she is to be honest.

CanofCant · 29/12/2021 13:20

Also, I would have been pretty appalled at my son's behaviour. Do you know if he ever provided a better reason for decimating his family? Was there another person he was interested in or was it a naval gazing period he was afforded as he had his wife as back up to care for his two children?

aSofaNearYou · 29/12/2021 13:21

I don't think you did anything wrong necessarily, everyone's relationships are different and not everyone feels like their DIL/PIL are family, as some do. I can't imagine having much of a relationship with mine if DP and I were to split.

But I think this has perhaps exposed a bit of a fundamental flaw in the way things were being done previously in terms of the mental load she was carrying. She was the one driving the relationship with you and organising everything, when in reality the fact that you are your DSs family more so than hers is exactly why he should always have been responsible for that. Perhaps this has been a wake up call for her.

I would just continue to be nice to her in the hope of rebuilding a relationship, and you or your DS start planning days out and issuing invites.

Tillymintpolo · 29/12/2021 13:21

If this isn’t a reverse then it’s top drawer shitty behaviour from you

Vapeyvapevape · 29/12/2021 13:21

I think reverse too , but if you are in fact the mother in law , can you really not see how awful you have been? Do you really not have a clue that you need to apologise profusely for dumping your dil and grandchildren?

chinabumps · 29/12/2021 13:21

@SNUG2022

I'm sorry but to rally round your ds and ignore dil and dgc was really mean and unforgivable. I think you're lucky that she is being polite and still comes round. There's no reason why you couldn't have supported both of them. She was left with a child to look after too.

I have very little relationship with my mil due to something similar.

100% this! I think you're lucky she's even respectful and nice when you come around. I'd be the same as her tbh
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/12/2021 13:21

My XMIL did this. We didn't get back together, but if we had, I'm not sure I would have forgiven her tbh. I think you need to apologise to have any chance of putting things wrong. YWBVU.

DowntonCrabby · 29/12/2021 13:22

At least if it is a reverse we can tell OP/DIL to dump the prick and cut his shitty family off for good.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 13:22

Really cuntish behaviour there OP.

In a way I hope it is a reverse even though I think reverse threads should be deleted.

PurplePikachu · 29/12/2021 13:23

If you really are the mil you behaved very very badly. No wonder the DIL has withdrawn from you. If you want things back to how they were, you could try apologising.

pigsDOfly · 29/12/2021 13:23

Frankly, you behaved appallingly towards your DIL.

What on earth made you think this was an acceptable way to treat someone who had been nothing but warm towards you? She must have been incredibly hurt by your lack of contact both for herself and certainly for your children.

I agree with pp who suggested you meet her on neutral ground and offer an apology.

It's unlikely to result in you ever getting back on the former footing but at least you'll have made an attempt to repair the relationship.

pigsDOfly · 29/12/2021 13:24

*certainly for her children

chinabumps · 29/12/2021 13:24

Also what's the reason for not even speaking to your grandkids? Imo that's horrible. I understand you may be looking out for your son but to treat the grandkids as if they did something? Yeah, unacceptable to me tbh

Muthalucka · 29/12/2021 13:24

I’d apologise to her for the way you behaved. See if that make a difference.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 29/12/2021 13:25

Shocking that you didn’t contact her or the grandchild to offer support. I don’t blame her for partially closing down on you. The fact that she’s friendly when you do see her is probably more than reasonable and more than someone in your position deserves. If I were you I’d just be grateful for the contact that you do have.

Also it’s very unusual for a man to leave his family because he’s unhappy and wants to be on his own. It’s much more likely there was another woman involved. If this is the case, this may well happen again. If it does, do the right thing and stay in contact with your DIL and grandchild.

poissonrouge1 · 29/12/2021 13:26

I would treat you with the same contempt.